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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oppressively broody

48 replies

2quidfalafels · 30/05/2018 12:45

Me and my boyfriend have lived together for 3 years, we're very happy together. We both agree that we want to get married and have children one day, but we don't know when.

I've been broody for months and months but always thought there were certain things I should do before having kids - e.g. get married, own a house with enough bedrooms, etc.

I've always said I'd like to be quite a young mum - perhaps not THIS young, but young nonetheless. I'm nearly 21 and have been working full time since I was 18, which I enjoy.

My boyfriend earns a lot of money and I earn quite a lot for my age, especially with freelancing on the side, so if we had a baby it would absolutely be looked after.

We had a bit of a pregnancy scare in January and he was absolutely lovely about it, saying that he would be ok with whatever decision I made about it if I was pregnant. I turned out to not be, but I couldn't help feeling sad about it, even if the overall reaction was relief.

I came off the pill last year as I was fed up of having weird periods. I told my boyfriend about this obviously and we initially started doing the rhythm method using Natural Cycles. I've since stopped taking my temperatures or tracking anything, just going vaguely on discharge vs. time since last period. We've also not been as careful as we used to be in the bedroom. We had unprotected sex on the day we suspected I was ovulating, and the days afterwards, but he didn't finish in me so there was little risk.

What should I do? Part of me wants to talk to my boyfriend about trying for a baby to see what he says, but part of me wonders if I should just shut up and be patient and wait until all the pieces miraculously fall into place...

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 30/05/2018 12:51

You should talk to him about it. Its a big life changing thing having a baby and for the babies sake aswell, make sure your B/f really wants it as much as you do

KirstenRaymonde · 30/05/2018 12:53

I think you need to talk to him properly, and really why not get married first if that’s what you’d both like to do? I am crazy broody myself so I understand but you really don’t need to rush at this age. Get married, buy a house, get properly settled and then go for it.

VogueVVague · 30/05/2018 12:54

Is there anything else youd like to do first? I mean apart from kids, is there anything else that speaks to you? A dream, a vision?

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 30/05/2018 13:02

Keep going the way you're going with no contraception and, assuming no major fertility issues you don't know about, you WILL be pregnant probably fairly soon. You are young and it's a huge decision and life change.

Talk to your boyfriend properly. Get some contraception sorted in the meantime, there are lots of alternatives to the pill. Think about what you both want and in what order. Being "broody" is very different from the reality of parenthood so make sure you are both committed and ready before nature takes the decision out of your hands.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 13:06

I felt a bit broody in my twenties but so glad we waited, DH and I have had plenty of time as a couple, we've travelled a lot, enjoyed ourselves, both progressed very well in our careers, own a nice family size home in a nice area, married and baby is on the way. We were able to be a bit selfish for a while, spend money on nights out, holidays, experiences, have the home we want and paid for the wedding we wanted with no debt. From here on in baby becomes priority and we've not had to compromise on other things we wanted to do. The rhythm method is really not reliable, all it takes is an early or late ovulation, so you're essentially risking pregnancy already.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 13:09

Also what do you consider a lot of money? What's your household annual income? Babies are expensive, especially if you do want a wedding, house etc that you'll have to pay for whilst supporting a child (or 2 because after one you won't want huge age gaps etc)

StormcloakNord · 30/05/2018 13:11

All I can say is at 19 I was horrendously broody, got pregnant at 20 and gave birth 3 weeks before my 21st. I love my DD massively and would never change her but fuck me what was I thinking? She's 4 and I've only just started to get my freedom/money back and can do things I've always wanted to do.

Go on holiday a few times and get some fun shit out the way first before you flip your life upside down and realise it's too late to do something random/fun/spontaneous.

SexyManatee · 30/05/2018 13:12

I'm going to ask the same question as a pp. How much do you both earn?

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 30/05/2018 13:23

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having kids young, but if it was me I would wait a few years. You have your whole life ahead of you, and children change everything. They take away so much of your freedom. I love my daughter so much (I had her at 27) but some days are hell and she has always been a truly dreadful sleeper, every day is survival and I'm bloody exhausted. Big difference between wanting a cute cuddly baby and the harsh reality of parenthood. I'm sure you'll be great parents when the time comes but I'd urge you not to rush it, it is a decision you can never take back.

Confusedbeetle · 30/05/2018 13:27

By playing Russian Roulette you are making a very basic error. Either make a decision to have a child, now, or later. Don't think it is very grown up going without proper contraception and then thinking "Oh look what happened, never mind eh?" This is a massive decision. Make it properly

Tutuye · 30/05/2018 13:28

You say you earn a lot, but can you continue to the same/a viable level with a child?

peachgreen · 30/05/2018 13:29

Good grief. Don't do it. You're not the same person you'll be in 5 years time and neither is your boyfriend. Hopefully you'll grow together rather than apart but right now there's no way of telling and having a baby with him ties you together for life. If I'd had a baby with the guy I was dating at 21 I shudder to think what my life would be now. Also having a baby is a million times harder than anyone can ever express. Enjoy the freedom of your twenties first. Then think about babies.

Furano · 30/05/2018 13:31

You aren’t using any contraception. You are essentially TTC no matter what semantics you’ve convinced yourselves of.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 30/05/2018 13:32

Yabu to not be careful with contraception if you haven't decided to ttc.
Talk to him-either try or be careful.

jamoncrumpets · 30/05/2018 13:34

I would've had kids in my early twenties. But I also probably wouldn't have earned two post grad degrees, seen the sunset over Manhattan, eaten sushi in Tokyo...

As it is I have done all that and now, in my thirties, I have two DCs (one due imminently). So I'm glad I waited.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/05/2018 13:36

"Go on holiday a few times and get some fun shit out the way first before you flip your life upside down and realise it's too late to do something random/fun/spontaneous."

This ^^

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 14:12

OP seems to have disappeared?

Original poster
2quidfalafels · 30/05/2018 14:25

Sorry, I've not disappeared, was at lunch Grin

I'm sure you're all "right" but I'm struggling to see it that way. It's an odd one.

How will I know when is a good time? I'm worried that there'll never be a "right time".

OP posts:
SexyManatee · 30/05/2018 15:50

How will I know when is a good time?

For me it was when I could afford 3 bedrooms and had reached senior manager level in my career.

SexyManatee · 30/05/2018 15:52

^Oh and when I knew that I was earning enough alone to support a child. Because, no matter how solid your relationship is, there is no guarantee a partner will stay a partner and I didn't want to have to rely on somebody else's financial contribution. Keeping my financial independence was/is incredibly important to me.

Original poster
2quidfalafels · 30/05/2018 16:48

But I may never be able to afford 3 bedrooms and be a senior manager...

I understand what you're saying, the thought of waiting so long just makes me sad.

OP posts:
Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 16:53

Exactly as above for me it was 3 bedrooms and a senior role. I wanted to earn enough to cover nursery (£1200 a month comfortably and it’s expensive)

Personally I would’ve been a rubbish parent at 21. Maybe you’re a lot more mature than I was though

peachgreen · 30/05/2018 16:56

Don't be sad. Honestly. Having children is absolutely amazing and I wish you every happiness when you do but there is a whole lot of life to live outside that particular experience and a whole lot of joy to be found in other things. It isn't a magic key that will make you happy and fulfilled. In fact I'd suggest you make yourself as happy and fulfilled as possible before you have children so you have no regrets.

I guess for me that's when you'll be ready - when you're happy with your life, happy with what you've achieved in your career and experienced in your personal life, completely content and secure in your relationship and ready for the biggest challenge you'll ever face.

You have so much time. Get out there and live. Have as many experiences as possible. Grow as a person so you can share all that with your children.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 16:57

OP aren't there things you want to do first? Places you want to see, have you travelled much? Do you and your partner go out, gigs, theatre, fancy restaurants? Do you drive and own a car? You haven't answered the question about household income either, what may seem a lot of money really isn't when you've got a baby to consider, and you say you want marriage and a home of your own, they are lovely things to want but you may well have to give those up, compromise a lot or wait a very very long time of you have a baby now. Children are bloody hard work and literally change everything, it's utterly relentless and you will not come first again for a good twenty plus years, you deserve to live your life as adult you before you commit to that kind of responsibility. Also whilst three years seems a long relationship at twenty one, there are few relationships that start at eighteen and last forever, so you're taking a higher risk of lone parenting too which is even harder. You don't seem very clear about why you want to be a parent either, other than being broody.

Dobbythesockelf · 30/05/2018 16:57

The right time is different for everyone so I don't think it will be helpful other people telling you what was right for them. Different people have different aspirations and needs. I had my dd at 25, I was married and we owned our own home. I wasn't earning anywhere near what some people on this thread were/are but it was the right time for us. Talk to your boyfriend. Seriously think about it. Do you want to travel? Get married? Etc these things need to be discussed.