Oppressively broody

[2quidfalafels]

Me and my boyfriend have lived together for 3 years, we're very happy together. We both agree that we want to get married and have children one day, but we don't know when.

I've been broody for months and months but always thought there were certain things I should do before having kids - e.g. get married, own a house with enough bedrooms, etc.

I've always said I'd like to be quite a young mum - perhaps not THIS young, but young nonetheless. I'm nearly 21 and have been working full time since I was 18, which I enjoy.

My boyfriend earns a lot of money and I earn quite a lot for my age, especially with freelancing on the side, so if we had a baby it would absolutely be looked after.

We had a bit of a pregnancy scare in January and he was absolutely lovely about it, saying that he would be ok with whatever decision I made about it if I was pregnant. I turned out to not be, but I couldn't help feeling sad about it, even if the overall reaction was relief.

I came off the pill last year as I was fed up of having weird periods. I told my boyfriend about this obviously and we initially started doing the rhythm method using Natural Cycles. I've since stopped taking my temperatures or tracking anything, just going vaguely on discharge vs. time since last period. We've also not been as careful as we used to be in the bedroom. We had unprotected sex on the day we suspected I was ovulating, and the days afterwards, but he didn't finish in me so there was little risk.

What should I do? Part of me wants to talk to my boyfriend about trying for a baby to see what he says, but part of me wonders if I should just shut up and be patient and wait until all the pieces miraculously fall into place...

I had my first DC at 24, DH was 22. It wasn’t exactly planned, more a happy accident.
But we now have 3 DC, and are massively envious of lots of our child-free friends who can still skip off for a weekend away, or a quick week in Ibiza this summer, or boozy evenings in the pub, at a festival etc. Our time will come again, maybe when we are in our mid forties - but for now, as much as we love our family, we feel we were too young and did miss out on the fun of our twenties.

Hi, I exist because my mum used the rhythm method 😉 You will almost certainly get pregnant if you carry on the way you are.

You're still very young and you haven't been with your bf that long, in the grand scheme of things. You'll still be broody in a few years. If earning enough for three bedrooms seems far off, unless you're in a big city you're possibly not earning that much - good for your age perhaps, but not enough to comfortably raise a family.

I also waited until I could afford three bedrooms and had a management role I could go back to before trying... it's not for everyone and I am quite old to be trying because of it, but I know we are financially secure. I'm our 20s we had lots of lovely holidays!

Definitely talk to your boyfriend! I don't think there is any right time to have a baby -as you have said, there will always be something that you could be waiting for, be it marriage / promotion or whatever - but having your partner onboard will make it a hell of a lot easier. There are many pros and cons to having a baby young so it's up to you to decide with your partner if the time is right. I can identify with the broodiness though - we are waiting until next year to try for our second and it feels like forever away!

I will probably be flamed for this, but why then did you have two more TitZillas?

The trouble is, my main aspiration in life is to be a mum and have a family. I'm not much interested in travel and I'm a massive homebody now. Neither of us go out for many wild nights out. Everyone says all that to me and I do appreciate it, but it's not much of a deterrent unfortunately.

Boyfriend earns around £65k and I'm on £25k plus freelance, which I think is good for my age. We live in London so money isn't going to go as far as it might elsewhere. I guess you're right about needing to be able to single handedly provide before I should really consider it, that's a good point.

I know it's not sensible to want a baby so much but I can't help it. I wish I didn't, nobody else I know is like this.

I was like that. From around 21/22 I was incredibly broody. If it makes you feel better you earn a lot more than we did when we had our first and more than we do now and I'm pregnant with my 2nd. I don't really enjoy going out etc so I don't feel like I've missed out. People will defend their decisions to wait longer etc because it's human nature to think that your way is the right way but realistically on you and your bf can make these decisions after a serious talk and think.

Living in London there's a million things to do at your fingertips and whilst that is a decent joint income, it's heavily weighted towards him, is he the same age as you? Also and I know I'll get flamed for this but 90k joint income in London is not huge, to pay for a child, very expensive nursery fees, save for a mortgage deposit and a wedding, if you're a homebody OP why not focus on achieving and then doing up your own home first

Do you have a after child plan? Because from your finances it’s likely you won’t be able to go back to work, so then that’s your career over for a long period- at such a young age

I get you OP. If people had asked me 'isn't there anything you want to do first?' I could have hand on heart said no. I had my DD at 23. Had been off the mini pill for a month (sick of crap cycles) and was planning on just using condoms but we were so used to not having to that we forgot ONCE. I could have got the MAP but we agreed to leave it to chance. But the difference is we had agreed on that 'risk' together. If you are going to be risky let him have a say. I have no regrets about having DD when I did and her (planned) sibling is due this autumn 2 years later so as for age I'd say its totally up to you.

Travel travel travel!

I was like you OP, a real homebody who always wanted a family but I stumbled into a job where I had to do some long distance travel and it showed me there was so much I hadn't seen. I started travelling with my then BF which helped me realise what a twat he was, we split up and I met my now DH and had some amazing experiences. The memories of where we've been really keep us going now we have DC and life is much less exciting more predictable.

Do a road trip across the US, travel to India and experience a completely different culture... It will still be amazing when you have DC but you'll have had your own life first.

I have messaged you.

I got married at 23 & was pretty broody but wanted to wait until I reached a certain level at work. Eventually had my first at 27 after a year of trying.
Now my son’s Dad is my ex & I can’t fathom what I was thinking marrying so young.
I know everything seems perfect now but enjoy your early twenties together, you’ll never get it back & kids are HARD WORK!!!

In my twenties my imaginary babies were WONDERFUL and I was fulfilled and happy to coo at them all day long. This is the reality of parenting though.

Being a mum is very very lonely and having a baby will test your relationship, often to the very brink. Especially if one partner earns more than the other.

Babies get sick. Toddlers get sick. You get sick looking after them. Your partner gets sick. Nobody sleeps.

You might have awful pregnancies, with lots of complications. You might be sick every day for nine months. You might develop diabetes. You might suffer with antenatal or postnatal depression. Of course you might not too...

The children you've imagined yourself parenting in your head might be born with complex medical needs, additional needs, ASD. You may have to give up everything to care for them. They may hit you and refuse to hug you. Are you ready for that?

Childcare in London is a) hard to secure b) prohibitively expensive.

That's quite an imbalance in your incomes. Whose house do you live in, and who pays for it? Do you have wills in each others' names, and are you named on each others' pensions, life insurance etc?

Do you have family around to provide childcare? Because it's astronomically expensive in London, and if not the reality is that with your much lower salary you'll go very part time or be a SAHM. I would advise you to either get married first, or take a very close look at your finances.

And please... travel!

I'm not usually a big fan of marriage but with the huge difference in income I'd get married first!
I'd also research childcare costs and see how you could work it between you and how flexible he is prepared to be. Do not give up your job. I don't want to be doom and gloom but you may split up one day, stay independent, I'm so glad I did.

Hypocrite that I am, given that I'm not married (but then I don't have any children, nor do I plan to), if I was in your shoes, I would, first and foremost, get married.

You are very young; your partner is the higher earner, by a considerable margin; and you are currently living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

If you were to get pregnant and have a child right now and then, god forbid, discover your partner had other ideas, what would you do? Do you have savings, or family or friends nearby? What sort of maternity cover does your job offer?

Being broody is a thing that happens (to other people in my case, but I concede that it happens!), but if you're broody now, you probably will be in five years, when you may well be higher up the career ladder and possibly more mature. It won't go away, I shouldn't think.

I am considerably older than you, and, as I say, not married, but I am both a) Scottish (things are a wee bit different here), and b) the OH and I have everything nailed down, in terms of wills, life insurance, pensions, inheritance, kinship rights etc.

In the short term, until you've got things sorted (and by this, I mean either getting married or taking the legal route mentioned above, which, in fairness, is a bit more complicated and expensive than getting married, FFS), you might want to look into slightly more effective contraception.

OP - I was had my first after few years together, age almost 21. so similar to you. so here's my input - Im glad i had my kids young, i finished having kids in my 20s, compare to most of my friends and siblings who are starting their families aged 30+. They travelled, studied. i didnt miss much of that, but did miss having 100% freedom.
However, im now 30 and a tad tired. I cannot image doing infant school run daily and taking them to weekly clubs etc in my 40s, im tired doing it all now let alone at a decade older. When im 40 the first will be university age, and the youngest in secondary school. I'll be free to catch up on travel in my mid-40s, might throw in the odd night out too but reckon my clubbing days are done lol.
there's compromises to had with both routes - so pick ur poison ;) ;)

however, u really need to know ur current methods dont count as contraceptive steps! Not ejaculating internally but having sex is still possible to cause a pregnancy, you had sex on ovulating days and you're not tracking your temp so cant count that as a contraceptive method as your not fully following it. I think you should discuss how you're both engaging in activities that will likely lead to pregnancy, just ask if you're both ok with that, if you are continue, if not it's time to stop chancing it. Best of luck

I should point out, I'm not married either 😁 But we've always earned very similar amounts and everything big is owned jointly and equally, and we got our wills etc sorted before we bought a house.

I was the same OP. My whole life was about having kids. I sacrificed travelling and pursuing my passions to save money so I could have a baby. Then I had the baby and realised that I'd wasted my baby-free years anticipating what I believe would be my calling in life and had rested all my happiness on the experience of having children. Which is remarkably stupid because babies are H A R D. I love the very bones of my daughter and she brings me endless joy but I massively regret not LIVING before I had her, because that would have brought me joy too.

Get out there and live. Even if you don't think you want to. You have tons of time to have babies.

Hey I thought i wanted a baby when i was young, 20/21 but was studying and thought no i need to do more.. get a job, house ect.

Well i fell pregnant accidently at 22 and when he was here i couldnt be happier. I felt like it completed me.
You can still do things with a baby and children, if thats what you really want.
Your wages sound great and more than enough to raise a child with.

I understand why people are saying wait but tbh my son has made me happier than any job/holiday

There’s a huge imbalance in your incomes and you have to think about how you would cope if your relationship ended. The fact you have been together for three years is neither here nor there when you are so young. I may sound incredibly cynical and pessimistic saying it but not many relationships that started when people were so young last the test of time. Pregnancy and having a baby puts the biggest strain on any relationship, even the strongest. Your DP earns significantly more than you and you are in London so I would be hugely concerned about how you would cope raising a child alone should you split. You would be naive to insist that could never happen, it could and does.

You also have to consider whether you can afford the drop in income right now when you were on maternity leave, could you afford to pay all of your bills? Further to that, can you afford childcare costs when you return to work? Nursery fees are ASTONISHING in London.

Lastly, I agree with PP’s that are asking whether you are sure you have travelled enough and done everything you want to do before you TTC. Oh and you are also essentially TTC right now, the rhythm method is no method at all.

YABU.

You’re so young.

Use contraception, talk to your boyfriend about your future, go on some lovely child-free holidays and get married before you sprog up.

As is perfectly illustrated on this thread, the main risk with plunging in to parenthood is that you just don’t know what it’s going to be like for you.

There are people here saying having a baby changed their lives for the better, they’re happy and fulfilled. Others that they love their children but wish they’d lived first.

I desperately wanted children. I thought I was made to be a mum. I thought I’d be amazing at it. I thought I’d stare in to my baby’s eyes and instantly feel that deep, burning love.

Instead, we ended up moving when I was pregnant and when my DH went back to work when DC was two weeks old, I was left at home on my own from 6am until 7.15pm with a screaming, unhappy, colicky baby who would not. stop. crying. They cried, I cried, and even now four years later I still look back at that time with something approaching horror. That was my reality and it was a million miles from my imagined parenting life, despite the fact I was married and DC was planned.

No one here can really advise you. We can share our vast mix of experiences but we don’t know. You don’t know. No one ever knows.