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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be worried about an Autism-Friendly performance

52 replies

DoAsSayNotAsDo · 29/05/2018 23:29

DH has taken half term off with the kids (DD 7 & DS 4) while I work (am a healthcare professional).

He's booked for them to go to the theatre tomorrow (a v large theatre) to see a show & has tonight realised it's actually an autism friendly performance.

He's now v stressed that the show could be ruined by noise & even if it isn't it will be a pared down performance so won't be as good as normal.

I've tried to reassure him that the differences probably won't be hugely noticeable and that I'm sure they'll have a lovely time but being told I'm self righteous and "why can't I stop being a healthcare professional and be a parent about this".

Has anyone previously taken neuro-typical kids to these sorts of performances & enjoyed them.

I understand DH's worries/frustration he's spent lots on tickets but don't think I'm BU to find his reaction way over the top & be so frustrated that he can't see my opinion as a person instead "blaming" it on my profession 😕

OP posts:

Ohthatiswhy · 30/05/2018 00:29

I agree it is a variety of measures, some of which are very subtle. The proffering of a soft blanket to cover the textured seat at one autistic friendly venue was the difference between a successful family event and the alternative of having to leave.

NotMyFirstRodeo · 30/05/2018 00:33

Also, NT children are a lot more resilient and can be a lot more empathetic than adults when faced with upset children so it really isn't your kids I'd be worried about - they will probably enjoy it regardless, it's your DH. If you going a situation looking for something to criticise, inevitably you'll find it.
What I would dearly love is for you to report back tomorrow night with the news that everybody in the theatre had a whale of a time. What are they going to see?

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2018 00:37

Well, he can sort out his mistake without your input then, can't he.

What does he want from you?

What does he propose to do about it? He should do that.

Ohthatiswhy · 30/05/2018 00:39

notmyfirstrodeo so true, it is a knife’s edge.

NotMyFirstRodeo · 30/05/2018 00:39

Above comment based on random children who have actually helped me on occasion more than the bum mouth parents now who's being judgy?!
The texture of the seat is a brilliant example of an unforeseen trigger - yes, it is something I could in hindsight have predicted but invariably you do forget things of at least I do when trying to get out the door - so the soft blankets as an accommodation is just bloody lovely. Same as the wonderful staff who find me a random pair of scissors when I have forgotten to cut a label off.

IamXXHearMeRoar · 30/05/2018 00:45

OP your DH is a chump (as is EdiShowers ), careful he doesn't infect your dc.

Ohthatiswhy · 30/05/2018 00:45

Yes please do report back. I hope everyone has a great time.

NotMyFirstRodeo · 30/05/2018 00:46

Yes! Knife -edge. That's exactly what I meant. I'm tired, can you tell?!
As for your DH accusing you of having your work head rather than your parent head on, OP, I would just ignore crap like that personally. I used to teach and sometimes if I put my work head on, I evaluate situations better anyway than if I am just being tigress mum
I hope your family have a nice afternoon x

CleanHonestGoals · 30/05/2018 00:50

Not the same thing at all but sometimes others do judge without knowing. My DS is on the autism pathway at the moment and whilst is described as high functioning loud sudden noises etc do really unsettle him and make him anxious.
We went out for dinner last week to F&B and mid way through the meal a family walked in with an older child in a wheelchair who was very vocal. The staff seated them next to us, and I immediately knew my DS would be unsettled. He was, and kept looking over and talking to me about the noise. I acknowledged the issue with him but tried to keep him chatting etc. The other family had noticed and were throwing me the evils. I really wanted to ask to move tables but knew it would provoke a shit reaction as like I said my son is high functioning and isn't obvious he also has problems. We ended up finishing and leaving sharpish, whilst the other family still gave us dirty looks.
Kicked myself afterwards for not having a quiet word with staff and moving but still expect others would of thought the worst

Original poster

DoAsSayNotAsDo · 30/05/2018 06:25

@notmyfirst - their off to see Peter Pan in an open air theatre (so DH also getting stressed about the weather 🤦🏻‍♀️).
Am sure they'll have a fab time & know he wouldn't be judgey about any child/adult displaying autistic tendencies, it's my whole reaction (?lack of concern) that's really pissed him off = lack of sleep for me & now the joy of a busy day at work 🤯

OP posts:

Sirzy · 30/05/2018 06:39

We went to an autism friendly performance of chitty chitty bang bang and it was great. Meant ds could actually access it. We are going to see war horse next month at a relaxed showing.

They aren’t about segreation, infact it’s the opposite it is giving people who are autistic (or have any other barriers to accessing the theatre) chances to attend where otherwise it would be impossible

missadasmith · 30/05/2018 06:53

He's now v stressed that the show could be ruined by noise

gosh, yeah, really awful that he could be in a cinema screening full of autistic little kids who could make a noise. totally understandable that he is 'v stressed'. disaster.

Are his views if disability generally that awful?

StepBackNow · 30/05/2018 07:01

I wouldn't choose to go to such a performance without my DN who has autism. I don't enjoy them, I worry about DN becoming distressed and I find the noise a bit too much for me. I have a choice not to go.

These performances are wonderful for DC with autism and parents/family should be able to take them without worrying about being judged.

spader1987 · 30/05/2018 07:19

His mistake, he needs to suck it up. I do hope he isn't passing on his views to your children!

cansu · 30/05/2018 07:46

It is his error. He has two options change it or go. I am not sure what he expects you to do. Is he expecting you to sort it for him or are you meant to be sympathetic??

SalsaLala · 30/05/2018 08:11

He is BVU. I can see why he wouldn’t have booked the tickets for that particular showing had he known, but it’s certainly not a disaster and I’m sure the show will be good. I think I’d be a bit irked at myself for not noticing, then would focus on ensuring I explained it really well to the children so they didn’t make any comments or anything like that when there. I think the autism friendly showings are a fantastic thing, am impressed that our local cinema has started doing them too.

chocnvino · 30/05/2018 08:13

I think he shouldn't go. it's for children with ASD and their families - it gives them an opportunity to watch a movie away from judgemental fuckers like your DH! I have a child with ASD and find the comments he made very upsetting.

yorkshireyummymummy · 30/05/2018 09:57

What shines through on this thread is that everybody seems to be in agreement that the OPs children, aged 4 & 7 will not really notice any difference or have their enjoyment of the show spoilt. At 4 & 7 they will probably wriggle, speak, munch on sweetys, need the loo at an innapropriate moment etc as all kids do these things.
So consequently the OPs DHs stress is all about himself. He’s v stressed that his enjoyment of the show will be spoilt, that the money will be wasted etc. Can’t see that it’s an opportunity to say to his kids how autistic people need understanding and rules etc and that they are a valuable part of society ........no, it’s all about him and the 💵 money. What a shame , quite disgraceful selfish behaviour.

OP use this opportunity and give your kids the heads up. They won’t be bothered . Children are not born —ist they are made so by their parents and society.
And yes, get your healthcare head on and give your husband a strong talking to about his awful nasty selfish comments. Tell him he’s really really fucking lucky just to be stresssed about going to a performance with autistic people in attendance and that he’s coming home with two NT children. His disgusting attitude stinks - but I you are fully aware of that. Teach him, educate him quickly before he passes on such outdated nasty ness onto his kids. Oh and tell him to be careful when he goes to the theatre because if he tutted or gave a look to my husband or child I would bloody well deck him.

I hope your kids have a wonderful time - I’m sure they will love it.

Floottoot · 30/05/2018 10:07

Going against the general consensus here, but DH unknowingly took DS to an autism- friendly cinema showing a few years ago and DS got really upset/ frightened by the vocality of some of the other viewers ( he was under 10 at the time). DH ended up taking him out of the film. Had he known beforehand, he could have had a chat with DS and reassured him it was fine, but there wasn't an easy way of doing that once the film had started.

oldbirdy · 30/05/2018 10:17

My DS is also autistic and he would be incredibly distressed by a screening in which people around were noisy.
Maybe they should rename these screenings as "sen friendly" or "relaxed screenings". It irritates me when autistic people are treated as a homogenous group. On the other hand many yp with learning difficulties for example or ADHD would benefit from this sort of screening.

I have some sympathy for your dh, op, though his phrasing isn't very empathic. I would be irritated to accidentally book on to a performance which would be likely to be disrupted by audience noise, when I hadn't intended to. Of course if I had a child who might disrupt a performance I would be delighted to be offered the chance to take him or her to the theatre without fear. Can't he change the tickets?

Igorina · 30/05/2018 10:28

Ugh, does he get 'stressed' about lots of things OP? Sounds like an excuse to talk to you however he likes.

He reacted like that because know's he's being a prat about it and your sensible reaction made him feel bad about himself.

Igorina · 30/05/2018 10:31

He* knows

EsmesBees · 30/05/2018 10:40

I think it will be fine, kids theatre doesn't tend to be silent like an adults show anyway. Especially as it's the Open Air theatre which is pretty open and spacious. I have sat through a number of performances there in the rain and would recommend taking plastic sheeting to put over your legs, as well as ponchos and wellies

Sleepyblueocean · 30/05/2018 10:59

The most disruptive people in autism friendly screenings are young NT children who are allowed to run around, shout and climb on furniture because their parents confuse relaxed with being in a playground.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2018 11:09

So your DH wanted you to share his stress - and if you didn't he wanted to give you some stress of your own and disrupt your sleep? Is that right?

That's really nothing to do with the particular issue he was faced with, the suitability of the performance. Or about seeking help in making a decision. It's about how he thinks of you and behaves towards you. Not very kindly or nicely!

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