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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about sister's wedding?

32 replies

foreverclockwatching · 29/05/2018 20:24

For context: I got married 3 years ago, saved up for a couple of years to be able to afford it, tried to keep it simple and made all decorations, wedding favours etc. Was a lovely day and all had a good time. Overall cost was approx 5k including what I estimate my parents spent on drink (they offered to contribute this).
My aibu: Dsis is getting married in January to someone from another culture. In his culture the groom's family pay for an event and the brides family do. Basically my parents are funding her entire wedding in this country so that she isn't embarrassed in front of her in laws who are funding an event in their country of origin. She is not very focussed on cost (although my parents aren't letting her take the piss either) and isn't going to put the effort in to make stuff herself to keep costs down despite being very arty and creative. In addition to this we have inherited money in the last year from death of a relative so she could easily afford to pay for it herself! Am I just being a jealous cow? Think I also feel that she thinks my nice simple wedding not good enough which is making me a bit sad!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 29/05/2018 20:26

You are different people
Your parents could say no!

Neverender · 29/05/2018 20:28

Sorry but her wedding casts no judgment on yours.

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/05/2018 20:31

You chose to have your wedding how you did.

You can't expect your sister ti have the same wedding or she is dissing yours!!

It was your parents who have decided to pay for hers. Have they too recently inherited ans can afford to?

You sound a bit jealous of her wedding..

fuzzywuzzy · 29/05/2018 20:33

Well if your parents are happy to finance her wedding then there’s nothing wrong with what she wants.

I think everyone has their own dream wedding, your sisters wedding is no reflection on your wedding which I imagine was perfect for you.

My ideal wedding is nipping down to the registry office at lunch time pulling in witnesses off the street and then going back to work.

DP wants something more lavish so we agree to something in between. I cannot bear the thought of a really expensive wedding although I’m pretty sure IL’s would very happily help finance it if DP wanted.

Other people’s weddings are no reflection on yours. So long as you’re happy with your wedding that’s what matters.

Let your sister enjoy her wedding celebrations and be happy for her. She’s not encroaching on you don’t let this come between you and cause jealousy.

Hisnamesblaine · 29/05/2018 20:50

I would feel the same OP! Does your sister not have any savings to put towards it?

Nb65988 · 31/05/2018 06:58

If ure parents are going along with it then u don't have a say but it's different cultures she will want it to look expensive to his family but 2 weddings I mean they aren't paying a thing to them myt be his culture that the parents pay but it's not hers

ScreamingValenta · 31/05/2018 07:09

I would be annoyed in your situation, OP, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. The most important thing is that you enjoyed your own wedding.

Personally, I would rather attend a modest wedding with unique, handmade decorations than a huge but impersonal event - yours sounds like a lovely occasion, and nothing can change that.

Try to shelve your resentment, and focus on making sure your sister has as lovely a day as you did - big weddings can be very stressful, so she may need your support when the day comes.

AJPTaylor · 31/05/2018 07:10

Yabu and yanbu! Fence sitting here.
My parents bought me a hat for my wedding outfit in lieu of a birthday present.
A few years later they spent 1000 on my sisters wedding dress.
It annoys me 20 years on!

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2018 07:14

It does seem a bit unfair that they spend £££££ on your sister and not on you. Have you spoken to them about it?

Bezm · 31/05/2018 07:30

I would probably be very annoyed too if I was you. However, as a parent to 2 adult girls, one of whom got married 3 years ago, I know that financial circumstances change a great deal.
We could not afford to pay a great deal towards her wedding, but if DD2 were to marry now we could pay a lot more. (Not that we would)
My advice, speak to your parents and explain how you feel. Expressing your feelings may take away some of the resentment you understandably feel. It won't change anything about your wedding, which I assume you thought was wonderful. And it won't change your sisters wedding plans. But at least it would clear the air.
You do sound jealous, but then so would most people in your circumstances. It's only human after all!

RavenWings · 31/05/2018 07:32

Well, maybe she thinks your wedding was shit, who knows. Or maybe it just isnt what she wants, not everyone has to do it your way. Don't try to project your feelings on her.

MoistCantaloupe · 31/05/2018 07:37

i wouldn’t be bothered by this, only because my parents make sure everything is ‘squared’ later somehow. Which really is very kind of them. Has their own financial situation changed? I can see how it would be frustrating if you put in a lot of effort in, and she gets something handed to her. So yes, I think I would be a bit annoyed too.

ThePencil · 31/05/2018 07:37

My sister and I had very different weddings, and hers cost more (mine about £2000, hers more like £10000). Parents paid for both.

Since then, our parents have helped me out a few times (eg when we got a new kitchen they bought the appliances) "in lieu of" the difference. We didn't expect it, and were very grateful. Could your parents be planning to do the same maybe?

trojanpony · 31/05/2018 07:41

It’s AIBU so you’ll get harsh replies.

FWIW I get what everyone else is saying which is the world doesn’t owe you anything buuuuuuuut I’ll be completely honest - my mother would never in a million years do this to me or my siblings. And if she did it would create bad feeling (probably from siblings more than myself if I’m honest but I wouldn’t be thrilled either)

I’m guessing you would have liked a fancier wedding so you have my sympathies there but it is what it is, so I’d try not to focus on it - ultimately being married is the real “joy” rather the day itself.

greendale17 · 31/05/2018 07:51

YABU with your sister. It is your parents you should be annoyed with.

Think I also feel that she thinks my nice simple wedding not good enough which is making me a bit sad!

^Sorry but not everyone wants a simple wedding. Stop trying to put words in her mouth. You are just projecting your own feelings onto your sister.

Ickyockycocky · 31/05/2018 07:53

I really think this is very unfair. Speak to your parents and let them know, as tactfully as possible, that you feel that you and your sister should be treated equally.

I think parents have a moral responsibility to treat offspring equally, otherwise it can cause resentment and rifts in families.

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/05/2018 07:53

The circumstances of the two weddings are very different, OP, and, from what you say, the extra expenditure on your sister's wedding seems to be something your parents may feel they have little choice over if not paying results in your sister's in-laws feeling "shamed" in the eyes of their friends and family. I don't think this is a completely free choice on your parents' part. If your sister's circumstances were the same as yours, they would probably have contributed in a similar way to yours. They probably see paying for her wedding as a necessary expense for her to start her married life happily and "properly" in terms of her new relations.

I think the best way to look at this is to remember that the wedding is just the start of married life and it is the quality of your life and relationship afterwards that counts. Concentrate on making yours as good as possible.

SparklyLeprechaun · 31/05/2018 08:02

I think I'd be really annoyed if it happened the other way around, and my parents payed £££ for my sister's wedding first, then offered pennies to me later on. As it is, they gave you whatever was necessary to make the wedding you wanted happen, and now they are doing the same for your sister. But your sister is taking the piss a bit by not contributing any money to her own wedding.

Littlelambpeep · 31/05/2018 08:13

I would be annoyed but try to leave it go and wish her well. It sounds like you had s wonderful wedding and recently inherited money so your life is good. Your parents may give you something to reduce the difference in contribution + they might give you money

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2018 08:13

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you saying something along the lines of. “I think it’s lovely you’re giving dsis the wedding she wants. I now wish I’d asked for more from you and at the time I didn’t want to put more financial strain on you. I feel it’s unfair you’re giving dsis more than you gave me especially now she has received her inheritance.”

Tit4TatandAllThat · 31/05/2018 08:17

Sorry but not everyone wants a simple wedding

Yes but then surely they pay for it themselves Hmm

I'd be pissed off too OP

user1493413286 · 31/05/2018 08:19

I think your parents should have offered the same amount of money that they gave to yours or now give you the difference in money. I feel quite strongly about parents treating children the same with money.
Try not to compare your weddings though; as long as you were happy that’s the main thing.

CoffeeOrSleep · 31/05/2018 08:26

Do you think the extra would have been made available to you if you'd said you really wanted a big wedding ? It could well be your parents felt you and your DH arranged the wedding you two wanted, they paid for part - but if you presented this as what you wanted and you could afford it yourself, it might have rather different if you had said you'd rather have a large wedding.

montenotte · 31/05/2018 08:31

depends what you wanted/asked for at the time...
it sounds like your sister doesn't have much choice in the wedding she is having - and/or your parents want to "match" the groom's family, something that wasn't an issue with you.

but i don't blame you for feeling how you do.

Mrsmadevans · 31/05/2018 08:32

OP YANBU it is simply not fair . I think you should discuss this openly with your parents , they must be feeling it too and prob feeling guilty.

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