to be annoyed at DP paying for things out of our account without asking?

[LatoyaJones]

DP and I have separate accounts and one together that we use simply for bills and household stuff. We aren't married and have only been together 2 years so not quite ready for totally joint finances yet. The other day we went go-carting with my family and friends. We went to pay and he said 'I've paid already' - I thought it was a really lovely gesture and we all thanked him for spending the best part of £100 on us all. Thing is, he hadn't paid for it. He took it out of our joint account so essentially I paid £50 for my friends and family without being consulted as half the money in there is put in by me. Now don't get me wrong I am quite generous with money and would probably not have minded if we could afford it and I had agreed, but we can't, and I didn't. We have debts which we are trying to pay off, bills, mortgage, car repairs due, etc etc. We don't have much money and live on a fairly humble wage.

AIBU to be angry that he spent £100 of our money without consulting me first? He doesn't think it's an issue and keeps telling me I'm being silly and it was a nice gesture. Who's wrong here? (Can I just state that I ask him if I'm even going to buy something out of our joint account even if it's £20 as we don't have much money and it's common courtesy IMO)

Also slightly annoyed he took all the credit for it and everyone was talking about how sweet he was (myself included) and he never once thought to tell me it came out of our account. I discovered it upon looking on my mobile banking two days later!

Was the trip planned with everyone agreeing to pay for themselves, or was it planned on the agreement that you'd be treating?

So its a lovely gesture if he's paying … but if you're paying it's a cheek? Oh the irony.

Do you and your friends have a we'll pay this time/you pay next time arrangement?

Has it left you unable to cover your bills this month?

Not at all unreasonable. Do you live with him? Who’s names are the bills in?

Also telling you that you are silly when you raise a valid financial concern is a red flag for me.

No YANBU. Tell him to put £50 from his account back into the joint account and you do the same this once and tell him that you’ll stop having a joint account with him if he ever pulls such a stunt again. DH and I have totally joint accounts but would always agree in advance if we were going to treat others.

Ah I know the type - Billy Big Balls - great at paying using other people’s money, happy to appear to be super generous and accept all the thanks and praise.

Yep I’d be pissed off too.

Don’t ever totally merge finances with him.

@Rocinante1 everyone was going to pay for themselves. We had our cards out. I was going to pay for me and DP out of our joint account. It was £12 each.

@NewYearNewMe18 we have an agreement that we pay the same amount in to our joint account (we are on exactly the same wage to the penny) and whatever is left we can spend on what we want. If he had enough in his joint account and wanted to spend his money for the month on us going go carting then yes it's a nice gesture? At the end of the day we have bills coming out and with £100 coming out of our joint account we would only just scrape by as we don't have much in there... we all always pay for ourselves.

YANBU. DH and I have similar re accounts and there's no way in hell either if us would pull this stunt. We might take the money out if the joint account, but only AFTER discussing it first.

He owes you £50, an apology and a serious discussion about how joint finances are used IMO.

@Notevilstepmother we live together and both of our names are on the bills apart from a couple that had to be set up as individuals (all balances out though)

Yanbu
I have the same joint account situation as you and I'd be annoyed. Especially at him getting all the credit and only half the cost of it.
I think you need a chat about what you do and don't expect him to use the jc for.

We're married and have a similar set up, sometimes we have a treat from the joint account if it looks healthy for the month, eg we had dinner out Sunday on the joint account because we were at PILs for three days and at a BBQ at my parents' yesterday and have a week stocked freezer so groceries for this week cost about £25, but we discuss it first. If I buy a meal out or he pays for the cinema etc it comes out of our individual accounts. YANBU.

IMHO he should put the whole lot back in apart from ours, as I didn't agree to pay for my friends and brothers in the first place! Upset that he's basically told my friends/family not to pay and decided by himself that I'm paying £50 I really don't have.

He owes your joint account the total paid minus the £12 you would've paid for yourself, which I'm sure you're happy to transfer to the joint account.

I would tell him I wasn't using it anymore. Take my share of the bills and set them up from my own account if he can't be trusted.

Job done.

People bang on about joint accounts and think it strange that finances are seperate. I don't see the attraction personally.

@gamerchick I don't think we will ever have solely joint accounts. As long as all the bills and essentially are covered then I don't see the point. But that's just me and I entirely respect that other people have different set ups that work for them.

*essentials

The poster who called him Billy Big Balls was spot on! He got the accolade for being generous ... by using half your money without your agreement.
My husband did something like this once, he didn't get it either ... until i made it very clear!

@honeylulu sorry your DH did this too, however it does make me feel slightly less alone re this annoyance!!

Ha! He was very generous with your money!!

I could maybe get over it if he'd told you afterwards or immediately said it was you too. Billy big balls indeed.

I agree that he needs to put back £88 and you put in the £12 you would have paid at the time.

He did generously pay the entire bill, after all!

Don't you go putting your own money in to cover his largesse!

He's put half in from his account and told me I should pay the other half as it is 'nice to treat our friends' - I'm so mad. He's basically deciding for me what I spend my money on. Not happy, at all.

I just wouldn't. I'd tell him he decided he would treat the friends so he can do so.

I'd reconsider the joint account after an incident like this one.

If he gets away with it this time, it won't stop.

He needs to put the other half in. Tell him straight out no - he decided to pay for everyone, so HE can pay for everyone. Be very clear that he cannot decide how you spend your money, especially when you both have debts. He has to pay it this time, so he learns that he cannot spend your bill money on whatever he wants.

If you were going to be using the joint account for both of your costs anyway he owes the account £76. You say he’s put in half, is that £38 or £50? Just make sure he’s on board about never doing it again and put in £38 or £26 less than him next month.