Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Buying an 'engagement' ring myself

71 replies

ringbinder99 · 29/05/2018 16:35

Been with DP a few years, but no signs of marriage - yet!

He did buy me a ring a couple of years back, not an engagement ring, but a pretty little thing. I was in town today, just ambling about when I spotted a very nice ring, and it was about £250, half price. I really like it.

Would it be unreasonable to buy it for myself?
I know that if we did get 'engaged' I wouldn't get one off him, as he regards the one I have as an engagement ring, even though it isn't and he hasn't actually proposed if that makes sense!

What is the etiquette of buying yourself jewellery?

OP posts:

VickieCherry · 30/05/2018 17:38

Buy yourself the pretty ring. Tell him you want to get married now, so if he doesn't want to marry you you'll be off.

It doesn't sound like he's going to suddenly be 'ready' any time soon, so if you're this keen to get married, why wait for him? Getting engaged is a joint decision about your futures, not a decision a man makes for a woman at a time of his choosing.

Sciurus83 · 30/05/2018 17:41

Just bought myself and emerald and diamond ring in an antiques auction. My pregnancy present to myself and I'm chuffed! You can absolutely buy yourself a ring!

MalcomPowder · 30/05/2018 17:42

“Not a believer” is bullshit for “commitment phobe and doesn’t want to grow up.”

It’s such a boring excuse.

Does he also say “it’s just a piece of paper?”

My DH used to pull all these ones and he was shocked when I eventually threw my hands in the air and moved on.
Funnily enough he won me back and proposed.
I was fine with him not wanting to marry me, but I had no intention of hanging around and was more than happy to move on.
He wasn’t so happy with the situation when it came down to it though.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 30/05/2018 17:49

If you want to get married OP, I'd usually suggest asking him yourself, but in all honesty, it doesn't sound as though he wants to. Do you have DC?

If he knows it means a lot to you, but not shifting while you're hanging around waiting for a proposal, you need to have a big cards-on-the-table talk, don't you?

SoyDora · 30/05/2018 17:50

It doesn’t matter what section of the shop it’s in, a ring only becomes an engagement ring if it signifies an intention to get married. So by all means buy it if you want it!
The reluctance to get married is a different issue. You need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

LoveInTokyo · 30/05/2018 17:51

How old are you both, OP, and how long have you been together?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/05/2018 17:53

'Not a believer' can also mean 'hedging my bets in case someone better comes along'.
Amazing the number of men who don't believe in marriage, until they suddenly do. Only not with you, but to the woman who follows you!

I'm not a fan of forcing him into a marriage he doesn't want, but I think if this is important to you, he owes you honesty and you owe it to yourself to face the truth and make your life choices accordingly.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/05/2018 17:55

Your relationship is confusing. I don't think he is going to propose, but he's throwing out occasional crumbs to you suggesting that he might one day to placate you. He should show that he either wants to commit to you or he doesn't.

Murane · 30/05/2018 17:57

I bought myself a diamond solitaire because I wanted a diamond and didn't want to wait for someone to propose to me! It never occurred to me that I couldn't treat myself to a certain style of ring because it's commonly worn as an engagement ring?

SomeoneAteMyStrudel · 30/05/2018 17:57

I was going to say why does he think you're engaged if he hasn't asked you? But then I thought, actually:

He doesn't think anything of the sort. He knows you're not engaged. He's never asked you nor has he made any advances that it might happen.

He tells you that you are engaged when it looks like you might leave him or get 'too' upset about it, because it gaslights you a little bit into wondering if you are in fact engaged.

You're not and he knows it.

I'd lay it on the line, either he gets on with it and does it or it's over, because you don't see anything further happening without marriage and if he doesn't know by NOW that he wants to marry you there is nothing new he needs to know that will make him change his mind after all these years.

And buy yourself the bloody ring, it's not like it says 'engagement' on it, aside from in the shop!

PolkaHots · 30/05/2018 20:55

he says he isn't ready yet

To be fair, he's being loud and clear here. The question is: do you really want to marry him?

PaintedHorizons · 30/05/2018 21:29

I have been wearing my grandmother's engagement ring on my "engagement" finger for thirty years. Never been engaged.

It is my finger, why should I not be allowed to wear rings on it because of a custom that I, and many others, don't follow!!??

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2018 21:42

How much do you want to get married? How much do you want to marry him?

You’re not engaged until you’ve both agreed to get married. Sod all to do with anyone asking. We decided to get married and set a date. No one asked anyone anything.

If it’s a deal breaker, and it should be if it’s something that matters to you, then have a serious conversation about whether or not it’s going to happen. Also don’t be fobbed off by an engagement without setting a date. Being engaged doesn’t mean anything in itself. The contract, the commitment, is the marriage, not the promise of it.

He’s really dicking you around by occasionally suggesting you’re engaged when you’re not. That’s bullshit, immature and quite cruel if he’s effectively giving it and taking it away from you when the fancy takes him.

I really wanted to get married and it meant a lot to me so I do understand how you feel. It’s something that you want him to want as much as you do. That may or may not happen but you owe it to yourself to be honest about how you feel. It’s something significant in your relationship, not a gift he’ll give you wheh you earn it!

And buy the ring as a lovely gift to yourself! Life is short. Buy the beautiful things.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2018 21:46

He's not a believer of marriage? I always find this an odd thing to say. Marriage isn't like a UFO or like a ghost.

He doesnt want to get married and you're hangingaround hoping he'll change his mind.

Why would you want to call his bluff and book the wedding?

You're wasting your time. It's on you , as he's made his position clear.

He doesn't want to get married or he doesnt want to get married to you.

Either way...you know this.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 30/05/2018 23:08

That sort of twatting around is intolerable. He's at worst stupidly indecisive about something very important and at worst actively trying to deceive. If he doesn't want to get married that's perfectly fine, but he should be clear about that, so you can make an informed decision. And Tbf you need to do some cards on tabling like an adult too.

AlfredDaButtler · 31/05/2018 08:57

Ah he’s not a believer which is code for “I’ll string you along until you give me an ultimatum and there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll marry you, or immediately marry your successor after you’ve spent a large proportion of your fertile years with me for nowt.”

Motherbear26 · 31/05/2018 09:04

My dm always used to say that men who don’t want to marry aren’t afraid of commitment, they just don’t want to commit to you. Time and time again, men string hapless women along for years, only to marry the next woman after ten minutes. Honestly the best advice she ever gave me. Don’t waste your life waiting for any man to give you what you want, you are better than that. And if he won’t even buy you a proper ring...

LoveInTokyo · 31/05/2018 09:07

It’s not a hard and fast rule. A couple of my friends were together for nearly ten years before he proposed. (They’d been together since their teens.) But she did later tell me that if he hasn’t done it soon she’d have walked.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 31/05/2018 09:27

My DP 'proposed' using a ring he'd bought me previously, as it was a spur of the moment thing in the middle of the night by the side of the bed! I had always said that if we got engaged I would like to wear my mum's antique engagement ring, and that it wasn't about him spending thousands on a new one, it was about him showing the commitment by asking the question.

As it happens we split up for a while and in the end I decided fuck it, I don't need a man to validate me so that I can wear my mum's beautiful ring! So I had it resized myself (to fit my ring finger) and I wear it anyway No fucks are given if anyone thinks its an engagement ring, it's just very pretty.

If we get engaged properly, I will still want to use that ring, it will just take on a new significance. No point in wearing something else while this beautiful antique sits in the drawer.

I say buy yourself the ring, wear it on whichever damn hand you please and have the conversation with your DP about where your relationship is headed if he's "not a believer".

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 31/05/2018 09:33

no we are not engaged, although every now and then he says we are I guess you're about as engaged as anyone else who has talked about marrying at some point in the future but not set a date! The number of threads on here where someone says they're waiting for their DP to propose and posters will say "If you've talked about getting married, you're already engaged!"

The fact that he says he's not ready is an issue if there are no other factors stopping you - for me as a second time around situation there are DCs from previous relationships to consider so it's not a simple choice. If neither of us had DCs I would be keen to move things along, especially if you don't have DCs/want them. Keeping you hanging on for some mythical date in the future when he feels ready sounds like an excuse for "I'm waiting in case i get a better offer!" Sorry.

Bluelady · 31/05/2018 09:47

If you've been together several years and he's "not ready" for marriage, he's never going to be. Time to call it a day and find someone who actively wants to make a lifelong commitment and give his partner the legal protection of marriage. The ring's an irrelevance.

Flip

1 2 3