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AIBU?

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Original poster

Buying an 'engagement' ring myself

71 replies

ringbinder99 · 29/05/2018 16:35

Been with DP a few years, but no signs of marriage - yet!

He did buy me a ring a couple of years back, not an engagement ring, but a pretty little thing. I was in town today, just ambling about when I spotted a very nice ring, and it was about £250, half price. I really like it.

Would it be unreasonable to buy it for myself?
I know that if we did get 'engaged' I wouldn't get one off him, as he regards the one I have as an engagement ring, even though it isn't and he hasn't actually proposed if that makes sense!

What is the etiquette of buying yourself jewellery?

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 29/05/2018 17:07

If you like the ring buy it. Do talk about your future with him though.

Littlechocola · 29/05/2018 17:08

Have you even discussed marriage?

Buy the ring as a present for yourself.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 17:10

By all means buy yourself a ring if you want a ring. It’s not an engagement ring if you’re not engaged though is it?

AlfredDaButtler · 29/05/2018 17:11

Meh, if you're not planning a wedding how can you be engaged?

FinallyHere · 29/05/2018 17:13

If he hasnt ask you to marry him, you arent engaged.

This gives him all the power in this relationship, so i would think of it as 'until you have agreed to get married, you are not engaged' to emphasise that it is the agreement between the two of you that is key.

Time to have a serious chat with him, to explore how you each feel about the relationship and how you see your future unfolding. Not in any confrontational way, to threaten but to see whether you do agree and to decide what to do from there.

Best not to have any children until you decide whether you are seeing the future together. By all means buy yourself a ring if you love it, just be clear that, if you do that, it isn't a symbol of your engagement to get married.

TheOneWith · 29/05/2018 17:13

Buy the ring, wear the ring, enjoy the ring.

But if there’s been no conversation about marriage, and no date has been set then it’s not an engagement ring.

If you’re wearing what looks like an engagement ring on that finger, people are possibly going to notice and congratulate you, ask when’s the big day, etc. Could be slight cringey having to explain.

NC4Now · 29/05/2018 17:14

How would he react if you told him the pair of you were off to look at wedding venues?

Because it’s on a par with that, really.

By all means treat yourself to a lovely ring, but you can’t get engaged on your own.

FlirtyRomanticToast · 29/05/2018 17:18

Can you show us the ring?

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 17:22

So to clarify... he bought you a ring, which isn't an engagement ring... as he hasn't proposed ....but if he did propose, he wouldn't buy you an engagement ring .. because he's previously bought a ring for you.

You can buy the ring as a piece of jewellery and nothing more.

Your post just sounds very desperate, with a man who isn't on the same page as you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/05/2018 17:22

Buy yourself the ring.

Buy your DP a ring (if he doesn't generally like jewellery) maybe a very inexpensive one or an inexpensive chain.

Ask your DP if he would like to get married.

If he says yes, give him the ring/chain you bought him, show him your ring and tell him you bought 'engagement jewellery' for you both.

It doesn't have to be a man's world. Grin

TatianaLarina · 29/05/2018 17:23

If you want to get married tell him so and discuss it.

If you buy yourself a ring and it turns out he doesn’t want to, you’ll feel a bit of a lemon.

ellav · 29/05/2018 17:27

Go for it! Buy it for yourself, and text him a nice photo of it on your engagement finger. He will be over the moon.

Then ask him what time he's coming home so you can get the pot ready for his bunnies.

Angelil · 29/05/2018 17:29

Discuss it as a couple, like normal functioning adults do when in a mature relationship.

My husband and I split the cost of my engagement ring. There was no 'down on one knee' stuff either. We made a mutual decision to get married.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 29/05/2018 17:33

If you want to buy yourself a ring that you can afford, do so, and wear it on whichever finger it fits and looks best on. Don't call it an engagement ring, because it's not an engagement anything, because you're not engaged. Then if you're interested in marriage, talk to your partner about it like an adult. There's no connection between the two things, you seeing a piece of jewellery you like and your relationship status.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 17:37

This gives him all the power in this relationship, so i would think of it as 'until you have agreed to get married, you are not engaged' to emphasise that it is the agreement between the two of you that is key.

This. OP, you're not a character in Pride and freakin' Prejudice.

Some men rely on the fact that their girlfriends are "traditional" and want a proper proposal to avoid the issue of getting married indefinitely.

But it's 2018, you should be able to take charge of your own life and talk to your partner about this. It's important to know whether you both want the same things out of life and are mutually heading in the same direction.

It's fine for the man to propose and the woman to say yes. It's also fine the other way round. And it's also fine if you just have a conversation where you both agree that you'd like to get married and it's time to start planning a wedding.

The important thing is that you both want the same thing and you're both willing and enthusiastic participants. And if marriage is important to you, don't settle for less. It's not "just a piece of paper", whatever some people would have you believe.

Feb2018mumma · 29/05/2018 17:37

I bought my own wedding ring but don't know about buying before he has proposed? If he is going to and you know he will, don't see why not!

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 18:12

he regards the one I have as an engagement ring, even though it isn't and he hasn't actually proposed if that makes sense

It doesn't make sense to me.

If he regards it as an engagement ring...then what's happening with the plans to actually get married?

You're either engaged or your not.

The discussion of marriage needs to take place. If he doesn't want to get married and you do, then stop wasting your time with him and move on.

bluebeck · 29/05/2018 18:52

I know that if we did get 'engaged' I wouldn't get one off him, as he regards the one I have as an engagement ring, even though it isn't and he hasn't actually proposed if that makes sense!

No - it doesn't make sense.

If neither of you has proposed marriage and the other agreed, you are not engaged.

If you want to buy yourself a ring, go ahead. But it certainly would not be an engagement ring - how can you think it would be? Confused

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 29/05/2018 22:15

I know that if we did get 'engaged' I wouldn't get one off him, as he regards the one I have as an engagement ring

Do you really want to marry a tight arsed lazy unromantic git?

Original poster
ringbinder99 · 30/05/2018 17:25

Thanks for the replies :)

I liked the ring and was thinking of buying it for myself, to just wear as a ring, nothing more. but it is in the 'engagement rings' section of the shop, so wasn't sure it was 'right' to buy it just as an everyday type ring.

Regarding OH - yes he is stalling. We have discussed marriage, but he is 'not a believer'. The ring he gave me was a Christmas present, doen'st look like an engagement ring (its like a little bow), and so no we are not engaged, although every now and then he says we are! I counter that by saying that as we haven't set a date then we can't be, so lets do that....and then he says he isn't ready yet, to wait a bit and see how things go.

TBH, getting a bit cheesed off with it. He knows it means a lot to me, so I am thinking of calling his bluff and just saying I have already booked the registry office, and we have to go Friday to take our paperwork in and see what reaction I get! LOL

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/05/2018 17:28

He doesn't sound that interested in getting married. Buy yourself a present if you want to but it's not an engagement ring and neither is the ring he bought you.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 30/05/2018 17:31

I bought my own ring. We had the conversation about how we'd like to marry and I knew he wasn't the jewellery buying, down on one knee type. I bought a ring from a jewellery auction. If you love the ring, buy it. You can always use it later when you've dumped this useless, stalling baggage and found someone who isn't a commitment phobe. The worst that can happen is you have a lovely ring for a good price.

Viola82 · 30/05/2018 17:33

Suggest to him that you've seen a gorgeous ring that would be perfect as an engagement one.. start a discussion if you want to get marry, he needs to propose..

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2018 17:33

Buy the ring and then find a different man who shares the same life goals as you do. Stop wasting your time.

CharliesSister · 30/05/2018 17:33

so I am thinking of calling his bluff and just saying I have already booked the registry office, and we have to go Friday to take our paperwork in and see what reaction I get! LOL

Sounds like a good way of ending a relationship.