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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be OK with the status quo?

40 replies

ThatSortOfThing · 29/05/2018 16:23

Divorced when DD was little. Married DH when DD was 17.

DD and DH got to know each other pretty well as they lived together for a few years, never really bonded but were always nice to each other. When DD got pregnant she moved out (single mum - no dad involved) and she and DH never talked again.

DD's baby is now two years old. DH has never met her as DD never invited him and he never asked.

I babysit DGD every weekend at DD's house. DD prefers this as she doesn't like the idea of me taking DGD home.

DH is a bit miffed because he sees very little of me at weekends, but he doesn't like the idea of me bringing DGD home either because DD obviously isn't keen on it and he likes his peace and quiet.

I feel this situation isn't ideal. I used to love staying with my grandparents and I'd love us to be proper grandparents together and give DGD the experience of staying with us. But AIBU to stick with the status quo for the sake of DD and DH who obviously don't want to know?

OP posts:
TheShapeOfEwe · 29/05/2018 16:25

Why don't DD and DH speak? Was there a big falling out, and if so is reconciliation possible? It seems weird for them to have nothing to do with each other now.

Xenia · 29/05/2018 16:26

He's not the grandfather is he so you could never in that pure sense be grandparents together but it certainly seems a bit of shame it's come to this.

You are doing any awful lot babysitting every weekend presumably every day or just the evenings?

I would probably just leave things as they are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But what about the occasionally very short family do eg for the toddler's birthday its step grandfather could turn up for an hour or two or it come over on his birthday just for a little bit of time. I am sure he would like the same if he has children and they in due course have children.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/05/2018 16:31

DH doesn't want to be a "proper grandparent". So this is not going to happen.

I think staying round your daughter's every weekend is a lot of time to be away though.

I think I'd be compromising that you babysit less frequently, but that sometimes it is at your own house.

Original poster
ThatSortOfThing · 29/05/2018 16:31

Ewe no falling out, they just never really warmed to each other and DD never felt DH was 'family', if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 29/05/2018 16:34

What a horrible situation. Why on earth do you put up with it? Do you enjoy being the only person who connects the four of you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2018 16:35

I would fine it utterly bizarre that the two people on the list of 'most moved in my life' didn't speak at all. However, over the years I've worked out that some families can compartmentalise their relationships.

I think it's deeply unhealthy but if it works for you...

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2018 16:35

loved not moved!

VogueVVague · 29/05/2018 16:37

So your daughter gets free childcare, monopolises your weekend which is the only real time you get to spend with your dp and you're pk with that?

She sounds like a bit of a madam tbh.

I feel sorry for your dp.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2018 16:38

I think it's odd too.

Why is your DD not keen on you taking DGD to your home?

Original poster
ThatSortOfThing · 29/05/2018 16:39

MrsTerry what would you suggest? (I'm genuinely asking for perspective here)

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 29/05/2018 16:41

Even my vaguest acquaintances show an interest in my children. Why on earth doesn't your DH want to see your grandchild?

HRTpatch · 29/05/2018 16:41

Are you talking 2 days of babysitting?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2018 16:43

what would you suggest?

Have you talked to them both and told them how awkward this makes you feel?

Original poster
ThatSortOfThing · 29/05/2018 17:06

BitOutOfPractice I haven't really because I seem to be the only one who isn't perfectly happy with the situation.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 29/05/2018 17:07

Why is your DD not happy for you to take your DGD to your house?

Spaghettijumper · 29/05/2018 17:08

'I haven't really because I seem to be the only one who isn't perfectly happy with the situation.'

I don't see why this is a reason not to talk about it? You're a person too you know, what you think matters.

BackforGood · 29/05/2018 17:10

Can you tell us.... by 'babysit every weekend' do you mean you live at her house from Friday teatime until Sunday night, or do you mean you sit for 5 hours on one evening then come home ?

Are you at home the rest of the time, or is this babysitting taking you away from him the only other time you'd spend together ?

What do you do at birthdays, and other times when a family might normally get together ? I find it hard to believe he's never seen the baby in 2 years, if, as you say they've not had any reason to be completely no contact. Just 'not warming to each other' suggests to me they wouldn't do things on their own without you, but to have avoided ever meeting one another in 2 years, seems odd ?

BrieAndChilli · 29/05/2018 17:17

Does your DD never come to your house? That seems odd. Never a Sunday lunch or a cup of tea or to bring you a card on mother’s day??

It also seems odd that she’s so insistent that her DD never comes to your house. To be indifferent to someone is one thing, it you would still end up seeing them at various things etc, say hi in passing but to actively stay away and keep your child away implies to me that there is something f else going on and some reason why she is insisting on no contact

AllMYSmellySocks · 29/05/2018 17:22

I agree that the first natural step would be for DD coming to your house with her DD. It seems so odd that this hasn't happened. If DD and DH lived together amicably for years it just seems bizarre for them to never speak unless there was a falling out, even if they weren't bonded. My in laws are divorced and both remarried we see their new partners all the time.

lhastingsmua · 29/05/2018 17:32

Well at 17, I don’t think she’d ever really see him as ‘dad’ but more like ‘mum’s partner’, as you say they never really bonded like that. So neither of them will really see him as the baby’s grandfather.

This could all change in the future though.

Why isn’t she comfortable with the baby going over to yours? Does it have anything to do with your husband or not?

Does he want to be a step grandparent?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2018 17:32

I would talk to the people I love about my feelings.

Thadeus · 29/05/2018 17:35

Do you know the father, isn’t he involved?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2018 17:44

Well there's your answer. They probably think you're "perfectly happy" with it too. you need to talk.

You haven't answered why your DD is unhappy about you taking DGD to your house...

Original poster
ThatSortOfThing · 29/05/2018 18:42

DD likes her independence and thinks it's less upheaval for DGD if I come to hers. She's doesn't really consider our current home 'home' because it's DH's and she never properly settled there.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/05/2018 18:50

.....but she doesn't have to consider it 'home' to drop by to see you occasionally. Confused

Can you answer the other questions ?

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