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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes I am. And pathetic. But I need telling!

38 replies

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2018 09:44

Dd is an adult. I am perfectly used to her living away from home. She is currently in Canada for two weeks staying with a friend. She will have a wonderful time.

And I absolutely hate her being so far away. I hate the time difference even more-we’re not even looking at the same clock face. I briefly looked at a flight checking site yesterday and the picture of the little green aeroplane with her on it made me cry!

In my (minimal) defense, she has had a hideous year and has needed a lot of support. I have been her safety net. I think I am still psychologically geared up for the role, and need to use this time to redefine myself a bit. Tell me to get a grip, please.

OP posts:

Lweji · 29/05/2018 09:47

You do need to let go, though. It's good that she feels she doesn't need your support so much.

TheWoollybacksWife · 29/05/2018 09:50

How wonderful that YOU have given her so much support during her rough year that she feels confident enough to do this.

Two weeks will fly by and she will be back with you - full of stories about her trip.

TheGherkin · 29/05/2018 09:51

If it’s any help I miss DD terribly. She’s 22 and travelled the world alone, 3 years at university, strong, independent, happy.

And I still get that slightly unnerved feeling that it is just wrong that she’s not here. And that tug when she goes away after being at home. It hurts.

But you (and I) have made them and that is what mothers do. Even if it feels so bloody wrong.

MatildaTheCat · 29/05/2018 09:52

Ok, get a grip but while you do, congratulate yourself on having done such a great job of supporting her that she’s now got the confidence and desire to travel across the world.

Celebrate her confidence and try to imagine all the fab experiences she’s having. ( or stalk her on social media and see for yourself )

NataliaOsipova · 29/05/2018 09:54

It's the psychology of distance that's got you, I think! You're used to your DD not being at home. You may or may not see her every week. But the fact she's in Canada means that you can't just pop and see her if you wanted to. You wouldn't feel like this if she'd gone, say, to the next town for the weekend.

Many years ago, my mum's friend phoned her in a flap. Her student daughter had gone to Amsterdam for the weekend and hadn't told her - she'd gleaned this information from her other DD. My mum rightly pointed out to friend that she wouldn't normally know what her student DD was doing of a weekend anyway, as friend lived in Manchester and her DD was at university in Birmingham. But it was the "abroad" thing that had got to her....

You sound like a lovely mum. As long as you realise and respect that she's an adult - which I'm sure you do - it's much better this way than not being concerned about her!

Emma198 · 29/05/2018 09:54

You don't sound unreasonable or pathetic. Just like a lovely Mum, the sort everyone should have. She'll be back before you know it.

VogueVVague · 29/05/2018 09:55

It is a bit pathetic really tbh!

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2018 10:02

I think the time difference is a big deal, actually. She lives 400 miles away when she’s at home, but I’ve got used to knowing what times she was likely to be in trouble, and to be ready for either a call, or if everything was reasonably OK, a text telling me that. I’ve produced a lot of adrenalin over the past 18 months!

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2018 10:06

We bring them up so that they can fly the bed, which you've done successfully. And it's only 2 weeks so relax for a few days. Pat yourself on the back.

AllMYSmellySocks · 29/05/2018 10:09

I actually think that's lovely. You're not actually holding your DD back from going on her trip but you miss her and are there to support her. I actually remember being a bit sad even when I was 18 when I took flights with friends and they'd have parents wanting them to ring the minute they touched down where as my parents didn't seem that bothered to check I'd arrived safely etc. Obviously it's hard for you though .

Trooperslane2 · 29/05/2018 10:16

Ok, get a grip but while you do, congratulate yourself on having done such a great job of supporting her that she’s now got the confidence and desire to travel across the world.

THIS

And you just treat yourself to some today to give yourself a high five or six - you've raised an independent, brave, excited adult.

PhilODox · 29/05/2018 10:17

She's been through a lot recently, and that is what is sparking this, Bertrand. I'm pretty sure three years ago, you'd have been the last poster to ever start a thread like this.

It's a good sign she's been able to make this journey, and part of the recovery process. Onward and upward!

IamaBluebird · 29/05/2018 10:17

I think you've supported your daughter through a difficult year and it's great that she's now able to go to Canada.
Though you'll miss her maybe it's a chance to start doing the things you enjoy and probably haven't had much time for

pigmcpigface · 29/05/2018 10:19

"I think I am still psychologically geared up for the role, and need to use this time to redefine myself a bit. Tell me to get a grip, please."

I think it's natural to feel like this when you've been helping someone out. We are so invested in the positive story of someone triumphing through adversity that we sometimes forget the role of the carer, for whom the triumph means a very real adjustment of role. I think it's quite natural and normal to feel a bit lost in the circumstances. Try not to think of it as a loss, though - but as a gain of some time to invest in your own dreams and aspirations and to avoid a precious relationship becoming a bit worryingly codependent.

nursy1 · 29/05/2018 10:19

bertrand. Feel for you. My dd stayed in her university city which is 3 - 4 hours drive away. Now youngest daughter, who visits often and loves it, is talking about getting a transfer and moving down there too. I celebrate that they are all getting on with their lives but I’m dreading not having them around.

LoveInTokyo · 29/05/2018 10:25

The time difference thing can be psychologically very difficult.

Can you WhatsApp her, OP? Then you can just send each other messages when you're awake and she can send you pictures of what she's up to.

SeriousSass · 29/05/2018 10:38

I think it’s ok to feel like you do as long as you realise it’s a bit daft and you don’t tell anyone, especially your daughter.

My kids (adults) still come to me if they have a problem or feel down. I think it’s a privilege really. From their point of view I’m very calm and practical but on the inside I’m having a right old panicky fuss 😂😂. I just want them to be happy.

Allergictoironing · 29/05/2018 10:47

This sounds silly, but would it help if you bought a cheap clock and set it to Canada time (whichever part she's in)?

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2018 10:52

“This sounds silly, but would it help if you bought a cheap clock and set it to Canada time (whichever part she's in)?”

I’ve put Vancouver in the weather app in my phone - so I can see her time and weather!

OP posts:

nursy1 · 29/05/2018 10:54

I think the old “keeping busy” will help. Your focus will change then

Elendon · 29/05/2018 10:56

I'm pathetic with my 22 year old as well. She's currently living in London and has a glittering career ahead of her. I was overjoyed with happiness when she secured the post but desperately weeping silently. I miss her terribly. She was, as a toddler, an apron strings child, but I have always enjoyed her company even though we have had our arguments. My heart is happy and sad at the same time.

She's off to Canada for a holiday in the summer. I'm in worried mum mode already. Why? I've no idea.

MardAsSnails · 29/05/2018 11:00

My mum always says she became ok with me living away (3,500 miles) once she’d visited, knew where I was and that everything was ok here, and that I was settled.

She still worries when I go away.

It’s been 10 years of living overseas and she still expects a text when I land and then when I get to the hotel, wherever in the world I am.

It’s natural Bertrand, and I’m sure she knows and appreciates it even if she never lets on that she does.

PlumsGalore · 29/05/2018 11:13

Mine is currently on a university placement on her own in E Africa, travelled on her own to get there, I was a wreck as she was texting me from the runway telling me how scared she was doing this on her own.

Two flights, getting through immigration and a stranger collecting her from the airport and she finally arrived safely. I lost half a stone in anxiety during that journey but she's there now, is safe and happy and I can eat again! She has got a local sim card and I can see her moving on Find My Friends.

100% normal.

derxa · 29/05/2018 11:22

Bert Do any of us ever stop worrying about our children?

CharltonLido73 · 29/05/2018 11:24

Try to keep yourself busy this next two weeks, and look forward to all her tales and photos when she comes back. As has been said on here, the fact you are still in support mode would explain your feelings; don't beat yourself up! It is to both your credit that she feels able to make the trip. And what a boost that trip will give her!

My two daughters came back home after university, but are both finally moving out for good this summer (aged 24 and 26). I am dreading it. I keep telling myself we have been lucky to have had them with us for so long, and they are fortunate enough now to be able to move on into the next stage in their lives - but it is going to be so hard!

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