To ask for hand hold re sleep?

[Helpgratefullyreceived]

I’m not sure what I’m looking to achieve with this post...maybe hoping for some inspiration that will help us

Little one nine weeks and the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I love being a mum and enjoy pretty much every moment but the lack of sleep is giving me a chronic headache and sickness and this morning feels unbearable.

Baby wakes every 45 mins to 1hr 30 all night, occasionally going 2 hrs once if I’m really lucky. Normally she’s awake for the day at 5 or 6.

I’m struggling to sleep in between settling as I know she’ll be waking up again just after I fall asleep and am listening out for it. I’m working on getting her to nap more in day but these tend to be half hour bursts so sleep not possible for me really. Some nights I think I’m only getting a couple of hours, some nights a bit more.

I worry her sleep isn’t enough for her development but all I can do is help her get to sleep as often as possible.

I’m not sure why she wakes up on each sleep cycle, checked not too hot, cold, fed as much as poss (breastfeeding). She might have wind as pulls her legs up when I pop her in basket, or could have reflux, but she is happy and settled generally.

I know I can do this and I don’t even mind the wake ups and settling etc except that it’s starting to physically hurt and making it difficult to function. Mummy friends have babies waking up through the night but a lot of them seem to sleep for three hour plus stretches which sounds like a dream! I know I’m not the only one though

I don’t know what I want from replies here... maybe similar experiences so I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel? I’ve been avoiding caffeine and painkillers as breastfeeding but might just need a coffee and paracetamol to get through this morning!

Mine were like this, it got better. I had 2 years of poor sleep (they weren't 90 mins naps for all of those 2 years but it wasn't great) but now they generally sleep fine. Its shit, and i never really found anything that helped so i got sleep by putting DH "in charge" for blocks of time when i slept and he dealt with the baby. It was hellish but i made it through. Good luck , remember its not for ever and sleep whenever you can.

as someone who remembers this from many years ago (my DD is at uni now):
' this too shall pass'.

It's a phase that seems interminable when you're going through it, but it will get better. For now, put the needs of you and your baby first - if there's anyone who can help you with shopping etc don't hesitate to ask them. Nap as much as you can, or at least doze.

And personally I'd definitely have a coffee in the morning. If you're not having as many hot drinks as usual, do make sure you're having enough liquid, dehydration could contribute to headaches.

You don't have to love this. It will pass but when you are going through it it's bloody awful, particularly in the heat.

Obviously not if you are bf ! Comical slip of the finger.

Mine only slept well when cosleeping. In my family, babies are bottlefed and have a dummy and they slept on their own but I found both my breastfed babies wanted to sleep with me.

Have you considered co sleeping?

It was the only way I could get any rest at all.

Thank you all!

When it comes to co-sleeping, she’s in same room in basket by bed but too nervous to have her actually in the bed with me. I’m terrified of rolling onto her or something happening, in fact whenever I wake up I have a rush of adrenaline and look around for the baby, even though I know I always put her back in her basket with Angelcare monitor before sleeping

Am thinking of getting her cot in my room sooner rather than later and getting her used to that as basket doesn’t seem that comfy. I’d get a better mattress for the cot (is it naive to think she’ll notice? 😂) and also hopefully she’ll be used to it before we move it to her own room at maybe 8 months or a year old

DH is a bit useless really but I could be more assertive in asking for help. In desperation earlier I wondered if I could could pay a babysitter once a week to look after her for a morning or afternoon and just bring her up for feeds!

Hi @Helpgratefullyreceived
... holds out hand ...

You are not alone, there are plenty other new mum MNs going through this at same time and I hope some join in here. Mine are older now 10, 13,15 and could represent UK for sleeping-in for last few years! I've it doesn't last.

But my DS1 PFB didn't sleep more than 45 mins til he was 14 weeks. I fed him (bf) constantly and topped up with formula just before bed so it sat heavier in his tummy. He was just a busy active baby though, who got plenty of fresh air and didn't
want to miss out so he babypowernapped! Once he started on baby rice at 14 weeks (we did it earlier back in those days) he started to sleep 90 mins to 2 hours and then gradually more over the next year+ as he wore himself out constantly crawling/walking around during the day and eating solid food. Idk if any of that will work for your gorgeous baby girl's. But it will pass eventually. And it doesn't mean your next babies will do that.

Getting my DS1 to sleep longer periods was gradual and hard won. I used to look at my mum friends whose babies 'slept through' from 6-8 weeks with incredulity and big green eyes. However in life over the years each child (including those 'easy babies'!) presents their own challenge in different ways. You'll see what I mean as they grow up. I look at it that my DS1 is a real athlete, a quick thinker, multi tasks with the best of them, always on the go, so IME he was like that as a baby for a reason.

The important thing is to get your DH/DP to help - designate some nights "his nights" and hand over baby once he's home so you can get a batch of sleep.
You will survive this...

Damn, I cross posted OP.

You do know that DP shouldn't get the choice to "be a bit useless" . He's baby's parent too. Encourage him (to give him confidence) (or tell him!) to step up.

Give him 3 nights a week that are his baby nights, so you get disturbed v little. He does all night feeds and night settles from 9-7am. You can express if bf or he can bring baby to you in bed and take baby back after bf. And he walks around with her when she's grizzling in the night or sits by her bed to settle her for night.

A cot in another room would help in time, 9 weeks is still quite a new baby. Try to avoid accepting DP default out of being an equal parent. As that's a road you don't want to go down...

You are right. He does most of the cooking and all of the DIY (we’re renovating) and gardening, but he does get downtime too whereas I’m on call 24/7 which I need to articulate better to him. He sleeps in spare room but if we swapped rooms at weekends he could bring her in to feed - or work shifts. She does tend to snack a lot though which is part of the reason I’d not suggested it before - settling can involve repetitive offering of breast although she doesn’t really feed to sleep.

An interim measure might be if he takes her 6am-8am most days as he often gets up at 8 and could manage earlier (though some mornings he is up much earlier for work). I’d like him to get plenty of rest too but maybe I need to get my sleep prioritised more as it’s barely existent and not that much has changed for him!

Would put cot in our (my) room at first before moving into baby’s own room at about 8 months to 12.

Get a cot and take one side off and attach it to your bed. It's much easier than a basket but it means you all have your own space.

My DH was amazing and once it got to 5/6am I'd feed and then he'd sit awake on his phone and hold baby for 2 horus while I could have a really good sleep as I knew the baby was being cuddled and watched and I could let go of the responsibility for that section of sleep. He'd also do that 8-10pm for me some nights too. Made all the difference as it's the "having to listen" that really effected my sleep as much as anything.

One of mine would only sleep well cosleeping. We got a baby bay to put on the side of our bed. As he got older he would just help himself to milk in the night and I'd barely wake up.

Introduce a bottle, either formula or expressed. Then give her her last feed at 8pm, handover to your DH and he’s in charge until midnight, giving her the bottle at 10/11pm as necessary. You get a decent 3/4 hour stretch of sleep, then take over and he still gets 6/7 hours until the morning.

i feel your pain. 16 week old still wakes every hour and will only nap of a day if he's moving in pram. The only way ive survived is my husband has him 5am-730am every morning so I know that is guaranteed sleep. Maybe you could try something similar? You are doing so well to be enjoying motherhood on such little sleep! I have really struggled with pnd as a result and dont think ive enjoyed much of the last 16 weeks which is sad. Im told by 6 months things will be much better (crosses fingers)

@Helpgratefullyreceived
Bless. I'm sure he is helpful in other ways, but as you've noticed he gets downtime and you don't. And you'll make a rod for your own back if you excuse him off nights now. He doesn't work 7 days a week so he can easily do at least 2 full nights with no work in morning and one work night, or early mornings & late nights on work days, (like other PP have suggested!)

It's just that baby will want to feed when you try to settle her as she can smell your milk if you are bf. He doesn't! (Then you can work out how much she does need to feed! And how much of it is cuddles & company ...)

If you let DP "off nights" now, he gets fab sleep but you never will, and what about when you do go back to work..? You are doing long days too on zero sleep! Why should one parent get a night time pass and not the other? You both made her and both love her...

Hey OP

It's awful isn't it? So soul destroying. And I find it as bad mentally as physically - the dreading of the nights, the waiting for the next wake up

Its all normal though and loads of people are in the same boat (despite most people you meet saying theirs sleeps 7 til 7)

Things I found helped -

Expressing (I used one of the silicone vacuum pumps a tenner from amazon - you put on one side while you feed from the other and for me was so much less faff than an electric pump) and getting my husband to do one feed at night - 3 hour break is much easier to get into a decent sleep than 1.5 hour. Do this now before baby has breast / bottle preferences (both mine decided they didn't like bottles from 3 months)

Double check for tongue tie from a qualified tongue tie practitioner. My baby was checked by 2 midwives and told didn't have one but turned out she did - after I'd gone to a breastfeeding person as feeding every 1 - 2 hours in the night. Suddenly she could go a lot longer between feeds

Google little ones sleep. It costs about 30 pounds for a program to follow. It has sorted my baby's day time sleep right out - often get a long nap now so I can catch up on sleep in day. Sounds expensive but a few hundred page detailed guide and much much cheaper than a sleep consultant (I tried both and actually found the guide worked better than the advice from the consultant)

Google love to dream swaddle. My baby used to wake up when put down in cot due to the startle reflex and this sorted it out completely - it's a cross between a sleeping bag and a swaddle and much less faff than a traditional swaddle and easier to change nappies etc

Best of luck!!

Thank you all, I am going to take all suggestions on board. We use Grosnug to swaddle. DH is up early tomorrow but will look at getting help next day.

Tonight has been so tough, she woke up the first time before I’d even got to sleep at all and been carrying on with 45 minute cycles since and now won’t settle which is rare but probably because I’m upset. I feel like I’m letting her down! She can’t be getting enough sleep either.

Even waking every two hours I would be happy with but this 45 mins each time is hard!

Hi OP. I'm up and trapped under a BFing baby too. One thing that helps me is to think that this is not forever. You don't hear about nine year olds waking every hour! I don't have much practical advice as my DS sleeps differently every night (sometimes up several, sometimes a five hour chunk) but wanted to offer a hand hold and hats off. It is tricky to 'hand over' when BFing. I reckon my husband would just pass DS back claiming 'he's hungry' when he didn't know what to do . What time are you putting her down for the night? Can you snatch a nap in the day?

You are NOT letting her down.

You are doing amazingly and being so patient.

I’ve been there. Things that helped me were to take baby in bed and have someone take baby for walks in the morning while I slept in.

My BF baby is 13 weeks and has never slept for long periods. I co-sleep with her and it’s so much easier, I don’t think I’d manage any other way as she also won’t sleep without being in physical contact with me. Before I had a baby I said I would never let my baby sleep in my bed, not safe etc but once she was here and feeding very frequently + not sleeping my HV suggested it. If you follow the guidelines and are BF it’s apparently very safe and to be honest I love it now. I think we both get so much more sleep than we would otherwise and it feels really lovely and close and special.

Well what's happening when she wakes?
Is she crying and screaming? Or just making a bit of noise and shifting around?
If its the latter you would benefit from putting her in her own room...i know it's not the advice now but worth it to save your sanity.

How does she sleep/feed in the day?

Co sleeping.

Saved my sanity.

Do some research OP.
If you are breastfeeding and follow safety guidelines it is very safe- in fact safer than a cot.

Yes and it was my HV who suggested co sleeping too.