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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh gave his number to his hairdresser

72 replies

Stephthegreat · 29/05/2018 07:35

Been thinking about this all night & don’t know if IBU.

Dh has a very attractive female hairdresser (he goes every few months) who he always tells me is beautiful and a great girl,the apparently get on really well. In the past I’ve always brushed it aside and not really said much. On Saturday he’d had his hair cut and again was talking about how wonderful this girl was,she’s having a difficult time at the moment and he casually mentioned that he’d given her his number.

I was a bit surprised but haven’t said anything. We’ve been together six years and he has often commented on how good looking other girls are, he’s put me down quite a lot too sometimes so I’ve felt a bit insecure about things. I don’t know if I’m right in feeling upset about him exchanging numbers with this girl?

He works a lot of late nights and we don’t see each other much these days.When he’s at home he spends most of his time on his computer in a room on his own,he comes to bed about 2am I’m normally asleep because I’m tired from looking after dc.Is he bored of me? I’ve asked him Andrew he says he’s not but feel that he is.

OP posts:

Delphiniumum · 30/05/2018 00:05

Why would he tell you she'd given him her number if he was up to something?

Precisely because it makes it look like he's not up to something

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2018 00:05

Edi so if her number shows up on his phone he can tell OP that he’s ‘just helping her through a rough patch’. It’s called ‘covering your bases’ and is one of the oldest in the book

OP it’s time to get your ducks in a row and lose this loser.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 00:09

No no no no no no, you need to get rid of this one. No man should ever come home to his wife and talk about how pretty he thinks other woman are. That alone would be enough for me to kick my DPs arse out!

LovelyStrides · 30/05/2018 00:16

Dump and run. He sounds like a prick.

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 30/05/2018 00:26

i have a small amount in savings and if I sold a few things maybe more.i might be able to get a cheap rented place I don’t care as long as it’s safe and I can be with ds.

the more I hear the more I think he is bad news.ive stayed hoping for him to change,I thought after ds was born he would get better but he’s got worse.

it’s hard because I have a friend who I’ve always trusted and she thinks I’m being melodramatic.i told her once I caught him slapping me in the face when he thought I was asleep, it wasn’t done hard but enough to wake me up.she made me feel stupid for even brining it into conversation.it does sound petty but for ages i had broken sleep and never knew why but it would make sense if that’s what he was doing.

I know there are a handful of people who will support me but some friends just won’t understand how this is all wearing me down.its like I have to have a black eye for people to see it’s that bad.

OP posts:

Yogeybear89 · 30/05/2018 00:44

Go to your local DV charity they will help with everything hun.
My DCs dad was EXACTLY the same, still is too!
No doubt if you do go and ever bump into his ex, I bet you anything she will tell you he done exact same to her!
Leopards never change their spots!
Your local DV charity will help you with custody, housing ,solicitors and counciling. Cause your going to need it hun to help build your self back up, as he has sucked every last bit of who you were before.
Good luck hun.
Do what is best for you and DS in all fairness you are technically a single mum as he does fuck all!
But you can be a happy, calm and confident single mummy, Instead on a tired, drained miserable single mum!
Again good luck.
P.s Don't speak a word about how your etc cause he either couldn't give a shit!....Or thrive of the hurt you are feeling...it all about control hun...Nothing but a nasty little Prick!

RomeoBunny · 30/05/2018 01:09

He wants a threesome op. Open your fecking eyes.

BettyBaggins · 30/05/2018 01:14

He slaps your face in your sleep. Fuck him, fuck what any doubting friends think and get you and DS out of there. Enough.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2018 01:22

This thread makes me really sad.

OP - he’s treating you so so badly. Please leave him.

AntiHop · 30/05/2018 01:22

He slapped you when he thought you were asleep? that's awful behaviour.

Op I'm glad you're coming to some realisations about him. You deserve a better life than this.

EdiShowers · 30/05/2018 01:23

Are you sure the slapping wasn't part of a dream or an involuntary movement during sleep?

SickofPeterRabbit · 30/05/2018 01:45

What are you planning to do then OP? X

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2018 02:30

If you're seriously thinking of ending the marriage (and I hope you are), right now remain silent. No threats of leaving, no change in your behaviour. You need to be as stealthy as a hunting cat.

Do you have ONE friend or family member you can confide it? They don't need to live close, they just need to be able to give you emotional support. If so, please call them and tell them you want out of your marriage. If you aren't close to friends/family ask yourself if it's possible that he has alienated them from you or you from them. If that's so, please call them. They're probably praying for that call.

Then, make your plans. Gather vital documents and copy all important financial documents. Hide them, preferably out of the house. See a solicitor quietly and ask about your housing situation (can he be made to leave) and what you might be able to expect financially (if anything). Remember knowledge is power so you want to be acting from a position of knowledge.

Oh, and your friend is a prize arse. Her attitude makes me wonder if she's also in an abusive relationship (and in denial) or if she's just stupid.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 07:59

Stephthegreat
It doesn't matter what friends think, if they were real friends they would support you no matter what your reason was for leaving.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/05/2018 08:17

I know there are a handful of people who will support me but some friends just won’t understand how this is all wearing me down.its like I have to have a black eye for people to see it’s that bad.

You're right. Our misogynist culture teaches lots of people that women should put up and shut up, that you don't cause a fuss when your partner behaves badly, that unless you've got bruising you can't be on the receiving end of damage or abuse. My MIL stays with a horror of a man because she's so afraid to be alone.

But lots of other (better, kinder) people understand that abuse can be any kind at any age in any place and simply because you've got a child with someone doesn't mean you tolerate anything less than wonderful. You are the Mother of his child; if he doesn't treat you properly he's not only being a shit Partner but a godawful parent, too, because the example he sets now can shape how his child grows and loves.

You know it's not ok. You know he's a pig. You also know you need to leave. Don't stay with him simply because a couple of bellend friends want you to. Leave and find new, lovely friends who want only the best for you.

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 30/05/2018 08:37

i have decided I going to go while he’s on a stag do this weekend I can’t do this any more.my Auntie will put us up for a while she’s been really understanding and I said I will try and get a place of my own sorted soon

I’m terrified part of me still loves him but I have to put ds first now it’s getting harder to hide how unhappy I am.dh has moods when I ask for something or do something he will sometimes not speak for days including speaking to ds.its like his moods mean he can’t be a parent any more (not that he does much anyway).ive been getting so run down and tired.

OP posts:

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 08:41

Stephthegreat
I feel so relieved for you OP. This is definitely the right decision. You do it need someone controlling you like this xxx

Original poster

Stephthegreat · 30/05/2018 08:43

I’m not saying anything to my friend any more she doesn’t understand and it’s hard enough dealing with this and having her doubting me.he has joked about slapping ds and friend said oh maybe he’s got autism (dh) and doesn’t have the right words.ive not left ds alone with dh and she thinks I’m paranoid she even said that was I dropped on my head as a baby that’s what wrong with me

Auntie has been really good to us though I’m lucky to have her.

OP posts:

Yogeybear89 · 30/05/2018 09:10

Please also eliminate that so called “friend” she is an IDIOT she was the one dropped on her had as baby probz about 100 times! She was born with out common sense!
OP you have everyone on here supporting you and giving you the encouragement to do the right thing.
Also make a list of positives and negatives about DH so that when you are feeling weak and he is promising you the world etc, you can take a look and realise what you will be going back too.
Like I said in last post contact DV charity, arrange some counciling hun. Your auntie sounds like she is great understanding supportive person, it was my auntie who helped me out in same situation.
Don’t tell DH where you are when he realises you have gone, also don’t speak on phone to him just in texts or emails, as he will most likely become abusive when he realises you have gone, then he will start to manipulate you this is evidence he is a nasty vile piece of work.
Well done OP for taking this step!
Again if feeling weak come on here we will help you through this OP

BettyBaggins · 30/05/2018 21:35

Good luck this weekend op, freedom ahead!

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2018 13:41

The best of luck to you, my dear.

Try to make your leaving as methodical as you can. As I mentioned above, take important papers and sentimental items. And if you have access to savings, consider taking some of that as a nest egg, but no more than half.

Would you have time to see a solicitor without his knowledge before the stag do?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2018 13:43

Oh, brain fart! Didn't see that the stag was this weekend. But do get to a solicitor ASAP once you're at Auntie's.

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