To be so upset by this?

[kiggenpaws]

I’ve posted before about my DH having OCD. Not sure if it’s relevant in this situation but it may be.

The other day we were out as a family. We were out in the street and, grossly, as I walked under a tree chatting something fell out the tree and fell straight down my throat. Mid sentence I started to choke, cough, and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I I was grabbing my throat, and couldn’t stop coughing, bringing up horrible mucous stuff, whilst being unable to get a word out. It was very clear that something was happening. I grabbed the bag we had with all my DD’s stuff in it and basically with very shaky hands as I was starting to feel quite faint and desperately ripped the lid off her drink.

I realised at this point that DH hadn’t said a word to me throughout. Not even asked if I was okay. In fact he’d walked a few steps away from me and was basically just watching me. When my DD started asking why I was drinking her drink and getting annoyed about it (she’s 3, so her priorities are very much her stuff) he didn’t even answer her. I had to reassure her (in very snatched breaths) that it was fine and I’d get her a new drink. At this point I’m kneeling in the street, covered in flem, still coughing badly, trying to undo a zip to get wet wipes out but couldn’t due to feeling so light headed. I literally had to say - can you help me? to him.

Afterwards he said that he didn’t understand what was going on, and thought that I was just being randomly sick in the street and that as I have ‘form’ for this type of thing that I was ok. I’ve never done anything like that before so I’ve no idea what he’s talking about there. Even if I had you’d think at least he’d ask if I was okay though? I’ve got to admit that when he said that I was a bit sharp with him and said next time I feel like I’m choking in the street I’ll ensure to explain it all fully to him before I lose consciousness.

It’s left me really upset that when I needed him I couldn’t rely on him to help me at all. Yesterday, when i mentioned in a calm way that it had upset me and hurt my feelings he asked me if I was still ‘banging on’ about it and laughed at me a bit. He did subsequently apologise for hurting my feelings but I don’t think he really thinks he did anything wrong. So now I’m thinking I’m over reacting. Am I? Sorry this is so long.

He sounds like he was in shock

It would upset me too, not least because I wouldn’t be able to trust he would help child in her moment of need either.
He could do a first aid course?

He wounds like an idiot & I would be very upset, too. Talk about insensitive.

He’s done one as part of his job and is required to keep it up to date, so he has the knowledge there. I think knowing that too upset me more, that he should know what to do and just didn’t engage.

Are you sure he didnt see it and think it was bird shit? i have severe OCD, i would have struggled to come near you and been freaked out massively at the thought you had shit in your mouth, in case you coughed/spluttered/spat it out and it got on me. Even you breathing afterwards in my direction in case you were breathing bird crap germs at me.

You haven't actually made it very clear what it was that fell out the tree, like, a piece of the tree, etc

That sounds really scary! He sounds annoyingly stupid and incompetent. He should have been dealing with your DD and realised something wasn't right after a few long seconds at least, shock or not. I'd be fuming

I’ve no idea what it was, I didn’t see it. There were lots of trees with seed things flying about so it could’ve been one of those. Or it could’ve been an insect or bit of stick? But I’ve no idea really.

Oh, i wouldn't have been so dismissive of it as he was, i'd have been worried to the point of crying but not able to come near you, and i'd have apologised to you about a million times by now.
So even if his OCD was the reason, hes still being a dick about it.

It isn't so much his reaction at the time, but since. He laughs at you an dismisses your feelings? That's not on.

Is he still in therapy? Whilst obviously that is what he needs, it can also make a person very self centered and selfish. I'd be keeping an eye on that and wanting to have "you have form for that" comment out with him.

You exist and matter, as well as him and his issues, don't lose sight of that.

Surely he could have asked if you needed help, even from a distance so it seems as though his OCD made him freeze. He needs to let his employer know that he is going to be useless at work if there is ever a medical emergency.

As a wife, I would hope his love would over-ride OCD. Guess I, too, have unreasonable expectations. Hope he shows suitable embarrassment sometime soon.

That sounds very scary for you.

I had OCD as a teen and am still affected by it now, but, of course, it does affect everyone differently.

If this was to do with the OCD, I think your husband needs to seek some help.

I think he did mess up and by making a joke about it he has not realised how much he has upset you.

My dh let me down once, a long time ago, it really upset me but I did get over it and I talked to him about his inaction made me feel.

Good luck.

Probably a bit of dried blossom, my house was full of it yesterday and it was quite breezey.

He sounds very odd, isn't it instinctive to tap someone on the back when they choke and ask if they are ok and if they need anything?

Crabby, OCD isn't rational, if you could just ignore/override it, people wouldn't suffer from it.

I was so ill with mine i couldn't visit my mum in the hospice or be with her when she died, and it kills me with guilt and hurt every day.

I love my mum more than anything, i wanted nothing more than to be there with her, but OCD doesn't go away because of an emergency, even when it is literally life and death. It's like you're not in control of your own body, you WANT to do A, but you're like a puppet being controlled by someone else who makes you do B.

The only thing i can imagine why your husband is reacting the way he is now, is because he is deeply ashamed, embarrassed and guilty. You shaming him about how he acted will make him feel useless, worthless, and a whole host of other negative things about himself. Don't be surprised if you've really hurt him, IF his OCD was the reason he acted like he did, youre basically blaming him for a reaction he had no control over because it wasn't choice, it was illness. If someone couldn't swim, would you expect them to jump in a river after you? Would you expect someone in a wheelchair to jump up to catch a kid from running in to a road etc.

I'm not saying this IS what happened, but if his OCD was his reason for his reaction, he is probably hurt at how you've judged and blamed him, hence the "you still banging on about it" comments as he just wants it dropped as he feels shit.

That's a really insightful post AlmostAJillSandwich, and I am so so sorry you weren't able to be there with your mum.

OP, what kind of OCD does he have, how does it manifest?

Different people find different things difficult to deal with, I know when I was younger and my own mum was dying I found it extremely difficult not to walk out of the room if she was being sick, to my immense shame I once did just leave and go home while she was vomiting (I was 21, not that that's an excuse, and have felt terrible about it since but I hope I showed her in myriad other ways how much I cared and what I'd do for her, I know that). It's difficult to say how you're gonna react until you're in the moment.

YANBU to be upset but I don't think he did anything wrong per se, he handled it how he did in the moment, and if he has OCD perhaps there's a link there. I know a lady with such severe OCD around contamination she'd have been the same as her anxiety over getting something would have overridden any typical caring response.

The 'you've got form' comment is unusual. I think you need to ask him what he means by that, when you're feeling calm. He might be misunderstanding a prior situation or seeing something you're not (to me that's the sort of thing someone would say to a person who's a bit of a drama queen) but you need to know if you can't just let it go.

And maybe talk about what exactly you'd want him to do if he's able to if something similar ever happens again, what would you have wanted him to do for you? You managed it okay, he stayed within distance observing how you were instead of literally running away, can you tell him if it happens again and he is paralysed like that you want him to shout for help? Go and get a drink? Is there a sign you can give him to ring for an ambulance or something (in a more severe situation obviously), talk calmly to you from a distance?

He has apologised and you seem mad he doesn't think he did anything wrong but if he doesn't, he doesn't. He and you can't change that. Sounds like you need to be more explicit re how to deal with it if it ever happens again.

How do you not know what fell from the tree if you managed to get it out btw? I'm amazed that without standing with your mouth wide open looking up at the sky something managed to fall down and go so far into your mouth! I think most people would be confused by that, or think you've just swallowed air the wrong way or something.

That sounds very upsetting. He behaved very badly. I'd be annoyed too.

I'd have been freaked out by you kneeling in the street covered in phlegm to be honest.

I have OCD and have been known to turn away when my DC have hurt themselves if it's something I can't cope with.

I don't CHOOSE the way I act and I suspect, neither does your husband.

I agree it's not so much how he acted while it was happening (although that wasn't great) but the laughing and dismissing afterwards. Does he often minimise your feelings/experience? Has he apologised only for hurting feeling or also for his actual behaviour & ignoring his DC? How would he react if you'd laughed at his OCD and accused him of banging on about it?

Oh God, I had a scary incident like thst but i was on my own. In my case it was just a bit of water but it somehow triggered my thoat into closing shut and I completely stopped bring able to breathe. No way could I have asked for help, it was impossible. After a bit (and me being complete terrified!) my throat opened just enough for the tiniest amount of air to squeeze past and slowly over the next few minutes it gradually opened up completely. But my fear stayed with me and if DH had been there and not done anything I don't think I could have ever forgiven him tbh.

Op, I had something sort of similar happen while out for dinner with my dh (who does not have ocd). I was eating a salad and choked on some rocket. I wasn’t properly choking as I could cough etc, just spluttering a lot and couldn’t get words out to say I was choking. He just kept talking. For AGES, as if nothing was happening. It was the weirdest fucking thing and yes, it did massively piss me off.

Anyway, I don’t know much about ocd, but agree with pps that maybe it is to do with that. Telling you you have ‘form’ though and saying “are you still banging on about that?” though is not on and very insensitive. Surely he could have just said “sorry, I thought it was something horrible and I found it really upsetting so couldn’t help” instead of blaming you.

I couldn't be with someone like that.

How do you trust him to keep your DD safe OP?

Dd16 has undiagnosed ASD and OCD, I have brittle asthma amongst other things and that's exactly the way she treats me, she won't help at all to the point she's stepped over me on the floor having an asthma attack, and wouldn't put the bin out when I could barely breathe, so I did it and ended up with 5 broken bones in my back.
I don't know know what to think, I try to understand it's just her, her brain is wired differently but the older she gets, the more angry/frustrated I get that she won't admit it or ask for help.

It does all sound a bit overly dramatic TBH, all the throat clutching and on the knees thing.

Are you overly dramatic about other stuff, the sort of person who plays to an audience?

Bodily fluids don’t seem to form part of the OCD - DD threw up all over the floor a few days ago and he was straight there cleaning it up. It normally centres round the house- he wants to do a job perfectly so it’ll take him a while to get stuff done (e.g a bowl of washing up can take half a day) or he panics we’ve got too much ‘stuff’ and needs to declutter (even when it’s not clutter).

The strange thing is that on other occasions where there have been incidents with strangers he’s been all over it & really effective. For example An elderly guy fell over in front of our house and he was straight there, helping out. That was a while ago though so maybe things have changed.

I asked him about the having form thing & he couldn’t give me an answer.

He has control over how he reacted after though; he definitely should have apologised for not helping you and ignoring you.

My dh also doesn’t have OCD but is really shit at coping with things that happen unexpectedly.
Over the years I’ve chocked on things in front of him and struggled to get a drink, he doesn’t help, and it really pisses me off. It just doesn’t occur to him to interfere. Once he gave me into trouble for upsetting the baby while I was on my knees gasping for breath.
He always apologises after but it’s awful at the time.
Although, tbf to him, I e never not managed to sort the problem myself.

We are more resilient that we give ourselves credit for. Take some pride OP, you managed by yourself.