To be so upset by this?

[kiggenpaws]

I’ve posted before about my DH having OCD. Not sure if it’s relevant in this situation but it may be.

The other day we were out as a family. We were out in the street and, grossly, as I walked under a tree chatting something fell out the tree and fell straight down my throat. Mid sentence I started to choke, cough, and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I I was grabbing my throat, and couldn’t stop coughing, bringing up horrible mucous stuff, whilst being unable to get a word out. It was very clear that something was happening. I grabbed the bag we had with all my DD’s stuff in it and basically with very shaky hands as I was starting to feel quite faint and desperately ripped the lid off her drink.

I realised at this point that DH hadn’t said a word to me throughout. Not even asked if I was okay. In fact he’d walked a few steps away from me and was basically just watching me. When my DD started asking why I was drinking her drink and getting annoyed about it (she’s 3, so her priorities are very much her stuff) he didn’t even answer her. I had to reassure her (in very snatched breaths) that it was fine and I’d get her a new drink. At this point I’m kneeling in the street, covered in flem, still coughing badly, trying to undo a zip to get wet wipes out but couldn’t due to feeling so light headed. I literally had to say - can you help me? to him.

Afterwards he said that he didn’t understand what was going on, and thought that I was just being randomly sick in the street and that as I have ‘form’ for this type of thing that I was ok. I’ve never done anything like that before so I’ve no idea what he’s talking about there. Even if I had you’d think at least he’d ask if I was okay though? I’ve got to admit that when he said that I was a bit sharp with him and said next time I feel like I’m choking in the street I’ll ensure to explain it all fully to him before I lose consciousness.

It’s left me really upset that when I needed him I couldn’t rely on him to help me at all. Yesterday, when i mentioned in a calm way that it had upset me and hurt my feelings he asked me if I was still ‘banging on’ about it and laughed at me a bit. He did subsequently apologise for hurting my feelings but I don’t think he really thinks he did anything wrong. So now I’m thinking I’m over reacting. Am I? Sorry this is so long.

And no I’m not particularly dramatic and would rather not have had an embarrassing incident in public. Which is why I ultimately dealt with it myself.Plus I’m not quite sure how I was supposed to get stuff out of a bag which had dropped on the floor without kneeling down?

Have you ever choked newyear ?
It is dramatic when you can't breathe.

It's a misconception to give a choking person a drink. The liquid just blocks the little space left and can actually make it much worse. Imagine a big gulp of water lying on top of the blockage and having nowhere to drain. It may make it all slide down but in my experience it doesn't always. Please don't automatically offer a drink. I'm prone to choking and remember vividly doing this once and the gurgling and stuff going on. Thank goodness someone there realised what was going on and was hitting me forcefully on the back. I suspect they saved my life.

XH once watched me have a full on breakdown. He just stood and watched me for a bit then disappeared into another room. He did ring someone to come and help me at least. But in the weeks afterwards he never once asked me how I was and how I was coping. It was all about him.

OCD is an incredibly selfish condition that doesn't give a fuck about the people around the sufferer.

As a wife, I would hope his love would over-ride OCD.

^For people that have severe OCD this simply is not possible.

I agree it's not his reaction at the time that is upsetting, but his subsequent reaction to trying to talk about it again. Laughing at you and asking you why you're "banging on" about it shows a major lack of empathy IMO. Personally, that is what I would focus on as that is the most controlled part of this whole thing.

Hope you're ok OP, it sounds very scary!

Thanks, it was pretty scary and was quite painful at the time, but much better now.

Sounds horrible. I would be annoyed too.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

"I was so ill with mine i couldn't visit my mum in the hospice or be with her when she died, and it kills me with guilt and hurt every day."

I don't think you should feel guilty about something you cannot help. I think you should put it behind you now.

However, the op's husband has behaved badly. Of the OCD is the reason he could not help his wife he should at least explain and not be rude about it to her later!

If I could not swim and had to stand helplessly by as a drowning person was rescued by another or dragged themself from the water, you can bet I would at least explain why I couldn't have helped immediately (especially if it was the person I was out with) and then I'd have done whatever I could.

I doubt the OP has hurt her husband by talking about an incident that primarily affected her!

And if her husband is hurt by the reality of his situation then he needs to seek help for his OCD.

I've suffered with OCD, still do to some extent, and I can't believe it is an excuse to belittle one's partner.

Neeyear what a shit post!

OP "Bodily fluids don’t seem to form part of the OCD" and "The strange thing is that on other occasions where there have been incidents with strangers he’s been all over it & really effective."

"I asked him about the having form thing & he couldn’t give me an answer."
it sounds like it is not connected to his OCD and as said "He has control over how he reacted after though; he definitely should have apologised for not helping you and ignoring you."

I think he behaved very badly and I hope you are ok.

Ocd or not he showed not a jot of concern for you op.
You are not being unreasonable to be upset about this.I'd be having a serious look at my relationship if this happened to me.
He is an adult and fully able to offer assistance,show love and concern.

New year,that was uncalled for!

OP does your DH think you're overly dramatic?

The more I read, the more it sounds as though that's his opinion of you.

Does he often pack empathy?

It sounds a bit psychopathic. Natural inclination for most people is to try and help.