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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child Maintenance and getting more quality time with my daughter

73 replies

ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 17:59

Dear All,

I am a male and wanted to get the opinion of this forum rather than a 'forum for dads'. Here are the 2 situations I seek your advice on:

1st situation:

I had an unplanned pregnancy with a woman that I had been dating - we never lived together or had any shared assets. Our daughter is now 4 years old and has been with the woman all that time. We have a reasonably good relationship- it's cordial at best. I am named on the birth certificate and see the little one every weekend for usually the whole day (Saturday or Sunday) and treat my ex and daughter to lunch/dinner. I spend approx upwards of 160 per month on weekly travel to where they live and restaurants, museums, the zoo etc. I have also paid for some large items- cots, TV, scooters, items of clothing etc etc.

We haven't come to an agreement re-maintenance money however I've been paying £500 per month into a savings account for the little since she was born. I was asked for £800 per month initially by my ex however that's beyond my budget. I have a meeting with her in a few weeks to finalise the maintenance amount but I just know she's not going to agree to an amount I suggest and she will ask me to forward her the money in the savings account to hers. I want to do things properly and fairly. What do you think I should do?

2nd: I really want to change this situation and spend more quality time with my daughter but I don't know where to begin. Last week I mentioned taking my daughter to see her grandmother (my mum) but the child's mother said that she needs to accompany us in case my daughter needs to go to the toilet! I found that a slightly bizarre excuse and it revealed how much she is looking to control the situation. As I write this, I sometimes find it hard to believe that I've let things get to this situation!

Thanks for your time reading and getting back to me- it's very much appreciated.

Chris

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:54

This is the situation on the information given.

He's offered £500 a month, which is more than CMS calculated.

She has refused it, and instead demanded £800 - a figure she picked out of thin air.

He cannot afford £800 so said no, but still wants to pay the £500.

She refused and won't co-operate with accepting the money.

He's put it into an account in his daughters name.

Where did he go wrong? What do you want him to do?

PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 21:57

Rocinante and some women are really gullible and massage the egos of useless fathers by believing their bullshit.
Theres a reason why there are so many men out there that dont pay child support and its because its become socially acceptable for them to leave the woman to do all the work in raising the kid.
If she is as money hungry as op likes to make her out to be she wouldnt wait four years to get her money.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 22:00

If this was a non resident mother posting, would you assume it was bullshit?

If people post for help, then I'll help with the info they give. I won't decide they are lieing and start attacking them for failures I've made. I certainly won't do that simply because of their gender.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 22:00

*failures I've made up

titchy · 27/05/2018 22:01

What do you want him to do?

What he says she has asked him to do - transfer the savings to her.

Right there in his OP - solution staring at you in the face.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 22:03

@titchy

She wants that as part of the overall deal of getting that plus £800 a month. He want her to agree to £500 first.

OP, this is not a safe place for men to ask for advice. There are far too many posters on here who will attack you and ignore your explanations because you're a man, you must be cheating her out of something.

Ignore them. Get legal advice for the contact and just pay her what you can, not what she's demanding. Open a CMS case yourself if you have too.

Namethatchange · 27/05/2018 22:07

Keep the money you have already saved in your daughters savings account. Presumably its a legitimate one set up in her name that she can access when shes 18/21. Don't give it to the ex.
Contact CMO yourself and ask them to do an assessment and contact your ex, you can then pay her what she is due and pay any excess into the savings account.
Apply for mediation, if she refuses to attend and you take her to court for access she will have to explain to the judge why she would not go.

PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 22:14

"If this was a non resident mother posting, would you assume it was bullshit?"
ABSOLUTELY

Because a resident parent ASKING for more money, would not except no money, and would not leave it four years. Its quite obvious its rubbish.
She was ASKING not saying dont worry and he hasnt contributed towards his daughters upbringing at all, so no I am not going to say there, there poor you op.

Cms dont back date unfortunately, they only backdate from the time the non resident parent receives the letter and they are unsuccessful in getting maintenance in many cases, there is a reason why there is 2.5 billion owed to resident parents from nrps. Because the system is useless unfortunately.

Original poster
ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 22:14

Hi, thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.

Chris

OP posts:
itsbritneybiatch · 27/05/2018 22:15

How much do you earn OP?

Is £800 in relation to your earnings? Or has your ex just pulled this from thin air?

Original poster
ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 22:17

Pulled the figure from thin air.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 22:17

I’m an average earner.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 22:19

"OP, this is not a safe place for men to ask for advice. There are far too many posters on here who will attack you and ignore your explanations because you're a man, you must be cheating her out of something."
Err like leaving his ex to pay for his kid, even though she has ASKED for money he IS cheating her out of something. He isnt contributing towards his daughter!
You have totally proved my point! So Gullible 🙈

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 22:22

She has asked for £800 and refused to accept less. You cant magically get someone's bank details if they refuse to provide them. So as an alternative, he's paid into a savings account.

People very often do cut off their nose to spite their face; if she has enough money to get by then she could be the type who does that. You don't know. So instead if attacking someone because of a scenario you've made up in your own head, act on the information given when handing out advice.

titchy · 27/05/2018 22:23

Get legal advice for the contact and just pay her what you can, not what she's demanding

Lol - thought you said he couldn't pay her as she was refusing to allow it! How can he pay her what he can then?

Make your mind up Rocinante!

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 22:25

@titchy

As I said in my PM to the OP, and also upthread, he can open his own case with the maintenance service and get the details that way, then pay it. Not sure if he realised he could essentially open a case against himself.

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/05/2018 22:26

In wondering if she’s expecting 800 a month due to the fact op has failed to pay for the past 4 years.

itsbritneybiatch · 27/05/2018 22:26

Depends what he earns. What he declares etc etc. £800 may be marginal to the OP

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/05/2018 22:31

go to mediation by all means...........but it would be wise to get access rubber stamped by the court.
i'd also look into getting a prohibited steps order so she can't move your dc miles away/abroad without your consent.

your contact time with your dc should be exactly that....why do you allow her mum to tag along?

hardlysurprised · 27/05/2018 22:37

Start here Chris
www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Small amount of money to apply to your local family court to ask for a date to attend court where you make a request for contact. Every other weekend and a set number of school holiday weeks. What can you commit to - start there.

Phone your local family court.

Use CMS calculator to work out money.

You sound like a good dad to me.

Original poster
ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 22:37

I’m seeing my ex next week to discuss the maintenance issue. If she doesn’t agree with my maintenance offer ( it will be the same offer I made a few years ago) I’m just going to open a case with the CMS. I should have done this from the start but she didn’t want me to saying that ‘it would make things not amicable’. This sounds odd don’t your think? I appreciate all your comments and will get this sorted ASAP.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 22:48

Personally.... I'd recommend contacting the CMS and getting a Family Court Lawyer...

mumtobe417 · 27/05/2018 22:51

You can open a cms case and just have them give you an assessment then close the case, or leave it open but 'paused' so they don't contact you unless you call them.

I think you should pay a fair amount of maintenance and you should also have access if that's what you want. It's a shame she has got to 4 and you don't seem to have had access alone with her to be a proper dad. Good luck.

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