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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance and getting more quality time with my daughter

73 replies

ChrisN2 · 27/05/2018 17:59

Dear All,

I am a male and wanted to get the opinion of this forum rather than a 'forum for dads'. Here are the 2 situations I seek your advice on:

1st situation:

I had an unplanned pregnancy with a woman that I had been dating - we never lived together or had any shared assets. Our daughter is now 4 years old and has been with the woman all that time. We have a reasonably good relationship- it's cordial at best. I am named on the birth certificate and see the little one every weekend for usually the whole day (Saturday or Sunday) and treat my ex and daughter to lunch/dinner. I spend approx upwards of 160 per month on weekly travel to where they live and restaurants, museums, the zoo etc. I have also paid for some large items- cots, TV, scooters, items of clothing etc etc.

We haven't come to an agreement re-maintenance money however I've been paying £500 per month into a savings account for the little since she was born. I was asked for £800 per month initially by my ex however that's beyond my budget. I have a meeting with her in a few weeks to finalise the maintenance amount but I just know she's not going to agree to an amount I suggest and she will ask me to forward her the money in the savings account to hers. I want to do things properly and fairly. What do you think I should do?

2nd: I really want to change this situation and spend more quality time with my daughter but I don't know where to begin. Last week I mentioned taking my daughter to see her grandmother (my mum) but the child's mother said that she needs to accompany us in case my daughter needs to go to the toilet! I found that a slightly bizarre excuse and it revealed how much she is looking to control the situation. As I write this, I sometimes find it hard to believe that I've let things get to this situation!

Thanks for your time reading and getting back to me- it's very much appreciated.

Chris

OP posts:

Glumglowworm · 27/05/2018 20:10

YABVU for never paying maintenance. A savings account is nice but it doesn’t put clothes on your daughters back or food in her mouth.

It’s impossible to comment on a reasonable amount without knowing your income. PP posted a link to the CMS calculator which is the minimum you should be paying.

YANBU to want time alone with your DD, you’ll likely need to get a court order for this if ex is refusing to allow it. DD isn’t a baby and every other weekend is reasonable for contact with NRP.

Stop being a Disney Dad, start paying maintenance, get legal advice on contact.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 20:13

@ChrisN2

Seriously? It does not matter if she agreed to accept it. Just get her bank details or PayPal details and send her the payment. What's she going to do? Call CMS and say she wants not? They will just tell her no.

And lawyers and courts are very very clear that maintenance and contact are completely separate. If she stopped contact because you wouldn't pay way over the required amount, a judge would go through her for it.

Pay what you want as long as it's the same or more than the CMS say, and that's the end of it. Then sort out contact.

PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 21:00

The more you write the worse you sound, You should have paid her regardless, What a pathetic excuse!
You havent paid towards your daughters upbringing for FOUR YEARS, What ever way you like to spin it it doesnt make you look good.
I feel sorry for your ex and your daughter and I can see why she doesnt trust you with your daughter as you dont even do the bare minimum in providing for her.
Ask her for her bank details and start providing towards your daughters upbringing.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 27/05/2018 21:08

You need to pay at least the legal minimum for 4 years' maintenance to your DD's mum as a (barely adequate) acknowledgement of the cost of raising her till now - half her clothes, food, bills, childcare, extras e.g. swimming, dance, plus rent will come to a heck of a lot more than £500 per month.

If you refuse, your ex could take you to court for back pay of the minimum maintenance and get an attachment of earnings against your name (which will affect your credit rating).

Do the right thing and pay up.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:13

@AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered

The OP sent me a PM to ask more about how to pay the child maintenance. It seems he's offering way more than the CMS calculator suggests (the £500) but the mother is demanding more and refusing to accept any payment from him until he agrees to pay more. I imagine this is because she thinks if she accepts a payment then she's obligated to accept that amount from now on. She doesn't seem to realise that the amounts are set by the CMS to allow the NRP to still have enough leftover to live on as they also need to fund a home and bills.

She's refusing the money, so he's put it into a savings account for his daughter. Which really seems like the best thing he could have done in the situation. I don't think he knew he could just pay what the CMS calculator said whether or not she agrees to it. But he will still pay more.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2018 21:25

It's an odd situation if the mother has been turning away financial help as it wasn't as much as she wanted.

bastardkitty · 27/05/2018 21:32

This sounds like a crock to me. You've been in limbo so you paid nothing? Don't you have a conscience?

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:32

I think she didn't want him to ever be able to say "well, you've accepted X amount until now".

He's willing to pay more than the law says, so she should maybe rethink and come to an agreement instead of demanding even more. There could be other things underlying this situation or more back story, but with the info given, I don't understand why people are shouting at the OP.

bastardkitty · 27/05/2018 21:34

He's willing to pay more than the law says

He's paying absolutely nothing.

PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 21:36

"I don't understand why people are shouting at the OP."
Because a mother wouldnt say no to child maintenance being paid for FOUR YEARS.
Total rubbish.
Especially the money being offered being more than the cms calculator, utter rubbish 😂

bastardkitty · 27/05/2018 21:39

It's a load of old cock!

titchy · 27/05/2018 21:40

she will ask me to forward her the money in the savings account to hers.

Then do it OP? Why not?

Kaykay06 · 27/05/2018 21:40

I get nothing for 2 of my Boys and & £100 for the other 2, per month pretty rubbish but better than nothing. Could you not put the amount you are willing to pay into mums account anyway? If you give her any in cash there’s no proof you’ve paid so not sure what you’re meant to do, you can’t force her to give you bank details if she wants more, she’s cutting her own nose off wanting more. It’s sad if she stops your current contact because of this you sound reasonable I hope mediation etc works out and you can reach an agreement that suits both of you and your daughter will have a nice fund to help with a house or whatever one day too hopefully.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:42

Um... I said no to child maintenance. I earn a huge sum, my ex was very low wage. The kids live with me. I didn't need the money, he did. So I said no.

If OP is making it up, then the whole thing is nonsense and there's no point in commenting to tell him to pay up.

So if you're going to comment, use the info you've been given. The CMS have calculated something, he's offered a round £500. Ex wants more, so doesn't want to accept less as she seems to think accepting it with leave her unable to ask for more. Even though she won't get more anyway.

He's saved the money. Rather than spend it, he's saved it for his child. The ex also won't even let him see the child alone. She sounds very controlling, wanting everything her way or no way at all.

If you don't believe the OP, then why comment with nonsense like "pay up". Just move on from the thread. If you do believe OP, then don't criticise him for saving for hi kid while the mum causes issues.

ReanimatedMuse · 27/05/2018 21:44

To repeat, the CMS calculator sets out the bare minimum of what is appropriate, it's not a target.

Anyone who pays the bare minimum but can afford more is scummy.

PrettyLovely · 27/05/2018 21:46

Rocinante,His situation isnt the same as yours he has the money.

I will comment on whatever I want who made you the thread police 😂

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:47

@ReanimatedMuse

And how is that related to this thread? He's offering more. She's asking for even more than that, but he's offering more and it leaves him enough to live on. So... What's your point?

lunar1 · 27/05/2018 21:48

You are going to be paying arrears on four years unpaid maintenance. The savings are irrelevant.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:49

@PrettyLovely

You said that no mother refuses it - I was pointing out that they do. She could very well be earning and no in need of it, so is holding out for a better deal. A deal she is not legally entitled too, and he's already offering more.

Sometimes the harpies just come out to attack male posters no matter what they so. He seems very reasonable - she seems controlling and granny.

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 27/05/2018 21:49

You need to fix the maintenance issue, 4 years is way too long to not. Then work with her to show you aren't just a Disney dad and want to be a serious parent. But realise the child comes first, if she is not comfortable with something don't push it.

Rocinante1 · 27/05/2018 21:50

@lunar1

He won't be. The CMS can only go after arrears for the time period that their case has been open. If she called them today, they would only be able to take money from today onwards

C0untDucku1a · 27/05/2018 21:50

This is really weird. Four years and youve never paid maintenance? Have i read it right that youve also never had the child overnight?

Send the money to the mother and set up a dd to cover whatever cms says you need to. Then speak to the mother, or a solicitor, about having your child overnight.

bastardkitty · 27/05/2018 21:50

Sometimes the harpies just come out to attack male posters no matter what they so. He seems very reasonable - she seems controlling and granny.

Hahahaha. Bollocks.

bastardkitty · 27/05/2018 21:51

Big hairy ones at that.

cadburyegg · 27/05/2018 21:53

How nice of you to contribute to a cot and taking your child to the zoo once in awhile. Would you like a medal? What about the cost of things like nursery fees, new shoes, a haircut, or, you know, food for your daughter?

Use the CMS calculator to work out how much you should legally be paying. If you can afford more, pay more. If you can’t afford it, reduce the amount that you’re paying into her savings account so you can afford it.

Get legal advice on contact. How convenient that you want more contact with your daughter now she is out of toddlerhood. Presumably these days she sleeps through the night and is toilet trained..

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