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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said something to DP?

45 replies

lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:17

I've woken up to a rather tense atmosphere and I'm wondering whether I was justified or whether I should have kept my mouth shut.
Yesterday, my partner's family came to our house and then we went to the pub in the afternoon. Partner's family are generally nice people, but they readily take money from DP and haven't returned money they have borrowed from us in the past. DP is extremely generous, but I feel he is silly to continue to offer them money when they don't need it. I am considerably younger than DP and I am a full-time student with a hell of a lot of debt, and although I don't regard money as particularly important, I'm not exactly extravagant with my spending because I don't have much to start with.
To summarise the AIBU bit, we were out yesterday afternoon and we hadn't eaten lunch yet. It was only early, but DP's dad mentioned that he was getting a bit hungry. DP said that they did some nice food there, and I said that we should get some to share. Everyone agreed. About twenty minutes later, I asked if everyone was ready for some food, and they said yes and I went up to the bar to order and pay. I was a bit surprised that no one offered me any money (it was quite expensive), but I figured we'd split it later. DP must have also been aware of this because he mouthed to me that he would give me some money in a bit. The food arrived and everyone started eating, and everything carried on as normal.
My round was next, so after eating I asked if everyone wanted another drink, and they replied yes. At this point, DP's dad thanked him for getting them some pizzas. DP said Oh lxzlxz got them, at which point his family thanked me for the food. I went up to the bar to order more drinks, a bit shocked that it was presumed that I was paying, and nobody had even offered me any money for it. Like I've said, I'm not precious about money, and had I been offered some, I would have turned it down, but the fact that I wasn't just seemed rude to me. DP could tell that I was a bit quieter and followed me to the bar, asking if something was wrong. Rather than doing the whole 'oh everything is fine' thing, I just said I thought that it was a bit rude that no one offered me any money for the food - I wouldn't have taken it, but I was just surprised is all. DP looked a bit shocked that I had actually come out and said that, and immediately got defensive (let's face it, not many people like hearing others criticise their family). He said that was tight of me, and that his family have always cooked us food when we have visited their house, and of course you should cater for your guests. I replied that if I ask friends to the pub, I don't expect to be footing the bill for any food or drinks we jointly decide to order.
It was sort of laid to rest about twenty minutes later, but DP woke up in a mood, his family are still here, and I feel like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. WIBU to expect them to at least offer some money? WIBU to say something to DP?

OP posts:
KyloRenaissance · 27/05/2018 11:22

Was thinking YANBU until you said you wouldn't have taken their money anyway.

What did you want?

Thehop · 27/05/2018 11:22

He asked you so you told him!! He’d be moaning if you quietly seethed and did t speak up! Sounds like he’s fully aware that they’re users a d is defensive because he’s embarrassed and you’v hit a nerve

Moominfan · 27/05/2018 11:25

I don't think your being unreasonable. Maybe thats the norm in his family whereas mine similar to yours we would appreciate the gesture of offering. I'd feel put upon if its just expected of me. He asked and you told him. Is he always so brooding? Its been said now so no need to drag it on

Onlyoldontheoutside · 27/05/2018 11:29

My question would be why are you paying for your DPs family?Why isn't he?

DianaT1969 · 27/05/2018 11:29

If they do cook for you and treat you when you visit them, then buying drinks or food in a pub for them seems the normal thing to do. However, I think DP should have offered them food in the pub and paid for it. Not you. Unless he is financing you in other ways? Not clear what's happening here with your relationship and finances.

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:31

Kylo I wanted at least an offer as I believe that that is just polite. If they had insisted, I probably would have accepted a contribution, but all I mean is that it wasn't about the money, it was the rudeness.
Thehop I think you're right - he looked a bit shocked himself initially, so I think he was surprised at them.
Moominfan Yeah, I think that's it. My family have a very different attitude to money, and the difference has caused tensions before. He doesn't normally hold on to stuff - I expect early morning grumpiness has a role to play.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2018 11:33

You made the mistake of taking the lead. You should have just sat back and left it to someone else. Certainly after the food ordering, you'd done your bit! In our family, if it's my side then I pay. If it's his side, he pays.

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:34

DP would never expect me to pay for his family and immediately said he would put money into my bank. We live together and split things fairly - we don't have joint money.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/05/2018 11:36

My question would be why are you paying for your DPs family?Why isn't he?

This. They're his family so he should pay for them if he thinks they shouldn't have to pay themselves.

Storminateapot · 27/05/2018 11:37

I would at least expect a 'how much do we owe you for the pizzas', giving you the opportunity to either say it's your treat or say 'just call it £10' or whatever. That would be good manners.

They might have initially assumed the tab would be picked up along with drinks and split at the end as a lot of pubs will keep a food & bar tab running for the duration of your visit, particularly the nicer ones. However, sitting back and assuming that the person who goes up to place the order intends to pay for you is rude. Also, saying 'thanks for getting us the pizzas' isn't polite it's a pa way of saying 'you're paying for this' which then makes it very difficult for you to ask for a contribution.

Lizzie48 · 27/05/2018 11:37

Okay cross post. In that case I don't what the issue is. Confused

Snowysky20009 · 27/05/2018 11:39

So if he's giving you money for it- what's the problem?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/05/2018 11:41

I think you've been a bit unreasonable.

He was going to pay you back for what they ate anyway; so you haven't footed the bill. It was somewhat rude of them not to even offer to split, but I don't think that warrants still being quiet and put out next time you went to get a round - if your DP followed you to the bar to see if you were okay; that suggests it was making an atmosphere, and I'm not totally sure that was warranted for food you're not even paying for.

If DP is very generous with his family; and doesn't ask to be paid back when he pays for things; it may well be that they expect him to foot the bill now - it works like that in some families. Whoever did the inviting pays.

He's loosing any high ground bringing the sulk into today, though...

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:42

Storm We didn't have a tab - we were each going up and paying for a round at a time, so they definitely knew that going up to order meant paying. I agree with the 'thanks' being rude as you say.

It's something that has come up a couple of times and I've not said anything, but yesterday I decided to since he directly asked and I was wondering if I was unreasonable in A. thinking it was rude and B. saying something.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 27/05/2018 11:45

You got the food so shouldn’t have then bought drinks on top. Are they all working? As a student, your DP should never have let you pay for all the food. That was d7mb of him. He’s probably feeling bad about that.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2018 11:45

I'm struggling to see your issue also. You weren't paying for them, your partner was, he told you immediately he would repay you. It's his family and his choice if he pays for them. So why do you want them to offer you money?

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:45

Yeah, I can see that possibly it was a bit unreasonable of me to be thinking about it when he was going to pay me back anyway. That's definitely a fair point. I think it's affected by their behaviour in the past, but it's not going to change. For the record, I wasn't creating an atmosphere and I was still chatting and laughing with his family. It was more that I wasn't eating that much and DP thought that that was strange haha!

OP posts:
KyloRenaissance · 27/05/2018 11:46

So:

You are out with your DP & his family.

DP says place do nice food.

You order & pay for everyone.

DP mouths to you he will give you some money.

He pays you.

YABU to be insistent the money came from his family. He wanted to treat them and has done, and you are not out of pocket.

MistAmougstElephants · 27/05/2018 11:46

He's going to transfer the cash so you won't be out of pocket. Some of us are old fashioned and like to take care of our family when they visit. If anything you were rude for visibly sulking for little reason.

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:47

Bluntness I see what you're saying. I think it's more what Storm said - it wasn't his choice to pay for them, because they just thanked him and assumed he was buying it for them, something they do a lot. If it had been, there would be no issue, but it wasn't DP's decision.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 11:48

I am considerably younger than DP and I am a full-time student with a hell of a lot of debt, and although I don't regard money as particularly important, I'm not exactly extravagant with my spending

if you don't regard money as particularly important.. why are you worrying about your DP's generosity ...

Candlelight123 · 27/05/2018 11:50

It's certainly not the dynamic I'm used to, but you aren't out of pocket though are you?
Are you annoyed generally that your partner pick up the bill?

parsleyisntfood · 27/05/2018 11:50

I’m not sure about the dynamics here at all but this drives me mad with my mum. She’ll leap up to the bar to order and pay, usually when there’s no urgency. Then sulk the rest of the day because when she paid people assumed she was paying. It gets difficult with familie too because once adult children are earning, they sometimes out earn their parents and then it’s a minefield.
I can’t stand a sulker though.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/05/2018 11:53

If it had been, there would be no issue, but it wasn't DP's decision.

It was; for two reasons. The first is that it sounds like he's set a precedent with paying; and secondly because he didn't say anything. He could have. "Shall we treat the food as our next rounds?" etc is very easy to your own parents.

He may have been momentarily shocked; but he did agree to pay, albeit perhaps not verbally.

Original poster
lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:57

I honestly wasn't sulking - DP was obviously equally surprised and came up to clarify that he would give me the money. Nobody could have guessed that I was in any way thinking about the whole thing.

It's more that on a regular basis they expect DP to give them money, whether it's for petrol when they've come to visit, taxi money if they're going out for the night (without him), or as spends if they're going away. I'm really not that bothered about money, but it's not exactly an every now and then thing, and if we were to join finances as we plan to do next year, it's an outgoing I don't really agree with.

Anyway, thanks for all of your input, I can see that it wasn't much of an issue to bring up, but to some people it would have been considered rude. Thank you!

OP posts: