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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said something to DP?

45 replies

lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:17

I've woken up to a rather tense atmosphere and I'm wondering whether I was justified or whether I should have kept my mouth shut.
Yesterday, my partner's family came to our house and then we went to the pub in the afternoon. Partner's family are generally nice people, but they readily take money from DP and haven't returned money they have borrowed from us in the past. DP is extremely generous, but I feel he is silly to continue to offer them money when they don't need it. I am considerably younger than DP and I am a full-time student with a hell of a lot of debt, and although I don't regard money as particularly important, I'm not exactly extravagant with my spending because I don't have much to start with.
To summarise the AIBU bit, we were out yesterday afternoon and we hadn't eaten lunch yet. It was only early, but DP's dad mentioned that he was getting a bit hungry. DP said that they did some nice food there, and I said that we should get some to share. Everyone agreed. About twenty minutes later, I asked if everyone was ready for some food, and they said yes and I went up to the bar to order and pay. I was a bit surprised that no one offered me any money (it was quite expensive), but I figured we'd split it later. DP must have also been aware of this because he mouthed to me that he would give me some money in a bit. The food arrived and everyone started eating, and everything carried on as normal.
My round was next, so after eating I asked if everyone wanted another drink, and they replied yes. At this point, DP's dad thanked him for getting them some pizzas. DP said Oh lxzlxz got them, at which point his family thanked me for the food. I went up to the bar to order more drinks, a bit shocked that it was presumed that I was paying, and nobody had even offered me any money for it. Like I've said, I'm not precious about money, and had I been offered some, I would have turned it down, but the fact that I wasn't just seemed rude to me. DP could tell that I was a bit quieter and followed me to the bar, asking if something was wrong. Rather than doing the whole 'oh everything is fine' thing, I just said I thought that it was a bit rude that no one offered me any money for the food - I wouldn't have taken it, but I was just surprised is all. DP looked a bit shocked that I had actually come out and said that, and immediately got defensive (let's face it, not many people like hearing others criticise their family). He said that was tight of me, and that his family have always cooked us food when we have visited their house, and of course you should cater for your guests. I replied that if I ask friends to the pub, I don't expect to be footing the bill for any food or drinks we jointly decide to order.
It was sort of laid to rest about twenty minutes later, but DP woke up in a mood, his family are still here, and I feel like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. WIBU to expect them to at least offer some money? WIBU to say something to DP?

OP posts:

Original poster

lxzlxz · 27/05/2018 11:59

Anchor Yes that's a fair point. I would have expected that myself I guess, so you're probably right. Thanks

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 12:02

YANBU

I think it was rude of them not to offer to reimburse you, or better yet, pay for themselves.

Presumably they didn't know DP was going to repay you, so it comes across as them being happy to accept you paying for them. Considering you're a student, that's really not on.

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 12:06

It's more that on a regular basis they expect DP to give them money, whether it's for petrol when they've come to visit, taxi money if they're going out for the night (without him), or as spends if they're going away

but they readily take money from DP and haven't returned money they have borrowed from us in the past

They sound like greedy users. Do they ever offer to pay for you and/or DP?

I'd be embarrassed to take money off my DC like that. DP needs to cut off the gravy train. Today.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 12:11

''Was thinking YANBU until you said you wouldn't have taken their money anyway.

What did you want?''

You are clearly missing the point, sometimes it has nothing to do with the money but the mere principle of it. If this was a once off fine but the op said they usually took advantage so I see her point. A similar thing happened to me, well different circumstances-me and 4 mates went on holiday. The place was dirt cheap so drink cost nothing really but 1 mate and his uncle [who happened to live there and met with us] would never get their round in.
It was extremely rude i thought as they would happily take rounds and never return them. The op is in a very tricky situation since this is her dps family, i think in them circumstances I'd probably have said nothing. If it was his mates i'd be more vocal to him though.

Shiftymake · 27/05/2018 12:15

Sorry but in my family you would be considered BU. When my family or DHs family comes over we foot the bill and when we visit they foot the bill. I would bring a gift but not offer money if invited but if it was agreed that the bill was to be split then that is what would happen. I have often footed the bill and never crossed my mind to consider people paying me back or expecting it, and it goes vice versa.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2018 12:25

Next time, let DP lead. His family, he pays.
He'll get over his little strop.

MistAmougstElephants · 27/05/2018 12:28

I would maybe keep finances separate with your OH OP. You might not know the back story as to why your partner is so generous to his family, did they support him through uni/college? Rescued him from debt? Put themselves out in a big way at some point? He only got to where is because of them? There's unspoken things in families that new partners will never quite get a handle on. The plus side is your partner sounds like a generous bloke and life it's much easier with someone who has a generosity of spirit that a mean old scrounge.

OrangeAztec · 27/05/2018 12:31

YANBU his family sound grabby and I've been there believe me. If you were at a pub near them would they be going to the bad and buying you drinks and food? The fact they didn't even offer is incredibly telling and your partner is probably embarrassed and ashamed and taking it out on you because he can't accept his family's behaviour. Don't do it in future.

Jaxhog · 27/05/2018 12:46

I suspect they are a bit more casual with money than you are. Learn from this, and don't go up to the bar unless you expect to pay.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2018 12:49

In my dhs family he loved to pay for his parents as felt they had served him well with college etc. He often gave his parents money. They never asked but readily accepted.

In my family my dps would hardly accept a bar of chocolate without sharing the cost. They were very good with money but proud and independent.
We accepted both sides. Your dp has his own relationship with his parents that you need to accept. He is kind so thats good.
My dhs parents left him a sizeable inheritance ( property) . My dps barely had enough to cover their funeral which was fine. Each to their own.

llangennith · 27/05/2018 12:50

Stop being a people pleaser. Why were you the one that went to order the food? Why were you the one who went to the bar for the drinks?
If you can’t afford to treat people don’t offer.

GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 12:55

When my family or DHs family comes over we foot the bill and when we visit they foot the bill.

This ain't the same

Ohyesiam · 27/05/2018 12:59

I think you are just generally cross with them, and the money thing is just a hook to hang it on, because you start your post talking about how generous your dp is, and how they never pay back the money. You then tell a story about buying them pizza, then you say you wouldn’t accept the money , it’s not about money, it’s about rudeness.
Which is it?

Motoko · 27/05/2018 14:41

Sorry but in my family you would be considered BU. When my family or DHs family comes over we foot the bill and when we visit they foot the bill.

But it doesn't sound like they take OP and her partner out, and pay in return. Her partner said that they've paid for food that they cook, when OP and DP visit, but that's not the same, and a damned sight cheaper than taking them out for a meal.

OP has also said that they often take money from her partner, for various things, and she's right to be concerned about this if they're planning on joining finances soon.

TroubledLichen · 27/05/2018 14:49

Your DP is paying you back. So really you didn’t pay he did. And it’s up to him if he wants to pay for his family. I agree they’re tight and rude though, I probably wouldn’t go to the pub or out to eat with them again but it’s not as big of an issue as this will be if you go ahead and pool finances. I know you’re planning on doing this next year but I absolutely would not whilst your DP is still handing over money every time they ask for it.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 15:00

''OP has also said that they often take money from her partner, for various things, and she's right to be concerned about this if they're planning on joining finances soon.''

Yep i laugh here at how ppl only seem to read half of the post and leave out the important information like this and go on attack mode to the op.
If you are living with a partner in a serious relationship then whether you share your money or not you are still a partnership and ofcourse you are going to get annoyed if you see him/her being clearly taken advantage of or fluttering money away. I have seen many posts like this on mn so it is stupid when ppl say ''but it is his money.'' If they are living together and splitting the cost of stuff then they are in many ways joining their money anyway so yes she has the right to be annoyed.

Original poster

lxzlxz · 28/05/2018 08:33

Thanks all for the replies. Yes, it is more of an issue given that their attitude isn't a one-off. Also, it is definitely not something returned - we also end up paying when we go out near them.
Since yesterday morning, I chatted to DP and he said he was annoyed because he thought I was implying that they were generally intentionally rude people, but this was followed by him admitting that he was embarrassed by them as they were definitely rude and should have been more vocal in offering.
We had a chat about money in general after. Both of our parents have helped us out financially in different ways in the past, as we have done for each other (3.5 year relationship). He still feels in debt to them about this and said this is his way of paying them back, but we have agreed to come up with a more solid solution to this than just giving them handouts on a regular basis.
Thanks for the advice - I'll definitely let him take the lead in the future

OP posts:

Motoko · 28/05/2018 09:17

Good to hear you've had a talk.

It's interesting that he feels he "owes" them, for help in the past. As a mum with adult children, when I've helped them out, I haven't expected them to pay it back in any way, unless it's specifically been a loan.

Occasionally taking them out and paying for a meal is fine, and nice to do, but always paying, and paying for other random things, is unnecessary and leads to an expectation, as you've both found. He has no obligation and should start cutting back on paying for everything.

Original poster

lxzlxz · 28/05/2018 11:07

That's exactly what I said Motoko. As a parent, you look after your children for years, and that's what you should do! Obviously, helping adult children out is different, but I said to him that I'm sure his parents would be sad to know that he feels indebted to them. He agreed, and we talked about how his parents would probably prefer him to make the most of the help they have given him and have a good life rather than throwing cash back at them on a regular basis. It seems like it has been a very productive conversation anyway, and we're on the same page now which is nice.

OP posts:

Motoko · 28/05/2018 22:51

Glad you're on the same page now!

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