He's taking credit for what I've done

[Feelingthisway]

I have three DCs, youngest 2 eldest 6, and I’m separating from my DH, anyways. We’ve been married 8 years, in those 8 years he’s never lifted a finger, never changed a nappy, never bought bathed or bought the kids clothes. He doesn’t even know their shoe size, yes I know hes useless. So now that we’ve separating, I worry how he will cope with the children when they’re at his house since he’s never taken care of them. The other day I asked him to change DS2 nappy, because I just wanted to see if he could do it. He refuses and says anyone can change a nappy, and if he really had to do it he would do it but I’m here now. And when I opened DS nappy and tried to change him, he looked at it and made this “Ewww” look, AIBU to think this is not the reaction of a grown man in his 30s with three kids? I mean as a parent, you’re used to pee, vomit and poo? It was so childish, I mean I could change a nappy in my sleep, and I’ve changed other kids nappies before.

Another thing he does is he likes to show off. We were at the GP the other day, sitting in the waiting room. He made eye contact with another woman and started playing with DS, he kept looking at the woman and the woman gave him a “Awwww” look, like awww you’re such a good dad, and he just kept doing it more and more, playing with DS. Had he never made eye contact with the woman, he would never have played with DS.

Sometimes when we’re near the house, he would try and race with the older two kids, one time as he was about to run he looked over his shoulder at the flats behind him, just to see if the neighbours were looking at him, he did this twice.

I just feel like he wants everyone to think he’s this great dad, when the reality is he does NOTHING for these kids. He plays 10 mins with them and that’s it. His idea of looking after the kids is shove them in their bedroom and let them to their own devices.

And I also hate how he’s standing there with the neighbours showing the kids off, when he can’t even change his own sons nappy.

I feel like he’s taking credit for what I’ve done, I’ve raised three beautiful kids. No thanks to him.

so AIBU to feel this way or am I being childish ?

Why on earth did you put u p with it for so long and have not one but 3 kids with him?

My stbxh did absolutely sweet fa for my girls. Now we're separated he is all over Facebook taking them here there and everywhere which gets him "aww you're a fantastic dad" comments almost daily...

I makes me sick but at the end of the day anyone who knows me knows the truth, and the girls are having fun with him so I bite my tongue. Hopefully he'll keep it up, if not I'll be there for them as I always have been

I know butterfly I'm an idiot, he kept saying he would change etc. Thankfully I'm getting out now while my kids are young.

He's a dick and you know it. Just use it to your advantage.
Everytime he acts like it, you can say to yourself "yep, he's a dick,glad I'm rid of him."

So he’ll need to change the nappies eventually right? Presumably you could just wait until there’s an audience and tell him to crack on with it. I’m a little surprised with three children that one has never needed changing when you’re out with other people.

My ex does/did that, every time someone else is around it's all 'look at me, I'm such a great daddy, aren't I great? Playing/changing a nappy/giving a bottle, aren't I just the most doting daddy ever'... makes me want to vomit
As soon as people have/had gone, he reverted back to his true self, slumped on the sofa or playing on his phone, refusing to lift a finger.
Good riddance I say!

You know the truth. That really is all you need. Believe yourself, which is easier said than done.

In other words, fuck him and his crap.

Goodgirls he's never been out with the youngest alone, so he never had to change a nappy. He takes the older two out sometimes on his own, but never the youngest.

My ex is like that and worse. I have learned to realise that he is messing his children around. Not me.

Mine only did the washing up when people were round. And when we divorced and he had all the five kids in the holidays, he'd rally his family/friends to 'help' him - and they all would! Because it's so hard to look after five kids on your own, they just all had to pile in and take one or two, or cook, or generally babysit.

No bugger ever helped me. Five kids on your own isn't hard if you're their mum, apparently. Feel your pain, OP.

A lady I work with has a high needs 8 year old, constant appointments, the works. Her ex sees her daughter every 2 weeks for a weekend and is the Disney Dad. We call him “fun Dad”. A couple of years ago her daughter said I wish I could live with Dad (obviously because he is so fun) but now she’s older she knows he’s crap and asks why he never takes her to appointments etc, your kids will notice when they get older. But for now, leave him to his own divises, I know it’s hard but they will realise you gave them everything.

Yep, totally know that feeling. What’s worse is he’s now Disney dad eow and my 15 yr old is lapping it up. Makes me so sad that she’s believed his rewriting of history; he didn’t behave like a selfish, abusive, alcoholic prick before he left just because he manages to throw money at them and let them eat crap for 4 days a month now. I’m hoping she wakes up and sees it. I don’t hide things from her anymore as I believe she deserves the truth, she knows I went to the police over his behaviour late last year and she knows when she asks for things that I can’t afford it because he’s late paying the maintenance again. It’s his new girlfriend that cooks for them, makes sure they have a shower, even buys them clothes for when they stay at he house. I pity her because she’s with him and at the same time I’m truly grateful for her as I believe he’s performing for her so the kids do benefit.

Firstly, well done for deciding to split. Hard decision to make, so give yourself a day off worrying about the future as a reward for reaching that conclusion.

If he is still living in the same house, go out for two hours tomorrow - give him as little notice as possible and just go. Ideal time is just as you are giving them all lunch. If he fusses, you can say something along the lines of 'Look, everyone knows you're a great dad. You'll be fine'. There's not chance he'll admit he can't cope for a couple of hours.

Find somewhere to sit down with a paper and pen and work out a contact schedule that works for you. Go to a friend, for coffee at McD's, sit on a bench. You don't have to announce it to him straight away, just get something down as a starting point.

Check, but don't respond to calls and texts unless a genuine emergency.

Arrive home without warning. They will probably all be fine or he'll have panicked and rung a female relative for help. But at least you'll know how he will or won't cope and you can begin to plan more effectively.

Beware of learned helplessness or sulking to punish you for 'abandoning' them for all of two hours. If this happens, let it bolster your decision to seperate instead of getting drawn in.

Well its about time he took all 3 kids out then. Don't let him create a divide in your kids.

It's what disney dads do.

Don't take it personally, just get on with being a good parent.

If he won't take instruction from you, would his mother or an aunt be able to show him basic but essential care for all of the children and reinforce that things must be done otherwise the child will be neglected.

The thought of leaving a littlie with someone who has no parenting skills would frankly terrify me.

Yeah pp who said 'its what Disney Dads do'.

Your children will survive and when you get sleep you will be an even better mummy.

My friend has an ex like this.
He falls over himself to keep up his facade of "wonderful father" in public but in reality if he ever looks after the children, he'll take them to his mum's or sister's and they'll do all the work.

No doubt he'll be expecting a new girlfriend to pick up all the slack soon.

I think most people can see through this level of fakeness and work out for themselves that he's a pathetic excuse for a man.

He's performance parenting, an attention seeking show off.
Enjoy your new life OP, don't look back !

Glad you're splitting with him but sorry you've had to put up with his shit!
It seems unlikely that he's going to be able to cope with them by himself for any length of time unless he has a radical growing up session!

I don't know how it will work when you do finally split - but you might be able to suggest daytime contact only to start with?

Meh. My ex has a very different story about his parenting than the reality. Frankly, I'm just more concerned with getting my son through his crappy parenting as unscathed as possible.

I know it's annoying but I'd say your energy is best placed on building your new life away from your STB ex and the kids.

If some random people think he's a wonderful father so be it. Everyone who matters knows the truth.

Ultimately, when your children are adults (likely with their own children), they will look back and realise that it was YOU who kept your family together, took care of all the crappy jobs and put them before yourself without feeling the need to shout it from the rooftops. We do not get to decide whether or not we’re a good parent, our children will let us know. You sound like a wonderful mother - I hope this new start gives you some happiness. Keep doing what you’re doing for your family, you now have one less man child to care for

Next time he is 'loud parenting' in front of someone, I would smile and -within earshot of the audience - say 'You are such a hands on daddy. Why don't you take the youngest overnight on Saturday?"

Honestly, everyone who spends more than 10mins with him will see through it. More importantly...your children know how much you have been there for them. Focus on that.

My ex used to do that, acting interested in the children in front of others, even using a different voice, then acting miserable and ignoring them when no one was around. It was so obviously false I used to look at him in disbelief.

Anyway he couldn’t keep it up for long and doesn’t see them at all now.