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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What made you fall out of love with him?

41 replies

Keyonce · 26/05/2018 21:27

Just that really. For me it was years of doing everything on my own, him not caring about when I'm ill, or heavily pregnant. Him not having any goals or ambitions in life, not being able to hold down a job. Would literally work for a few months, then he would get sacked or quit.

Then there's the same arguments over and over again, it just worn me out. And there's the abuse, controlling/bullying behaviour.

I just stopped loving him, didn't want to kiss or have sex with him. I didn't find him attractive anymore, it took me awhile to realise I didn't love him anymore.

OP posts:

whatareyoueatingNOW · 26/05/2018 22:03

He laughed when I fell

The sound, the echo of his delight at my pain and embarrassment, the realisation that his humour was planted firmly in enjoyment of others hurt, the fact that I expected the laughter, and regardless of my broken ankle, I still had energy spare to roll my eyes hard enough to hurt more than the shattered bone .

As I fell to the floor, so did the scales. He was weighed and found wanting.

Rainboho · 26/05/2018 22:07

He laughed when I fell

That happened to me too. It was a slow realisation for me. Along with telling me to stop being stupid when I had a panic attack and shouting at me when someone rear ended the car whilst I was driving.

Juststopit · 26/05/2018 22:07

The lies. Hidden debt. General couldn’t care less attitude towards me and the kids. I hate him which is sad but so much happier without him.

TwiceAsNice22 · 26/05/2018 22:15

When he asked if I really needed the second bag of IV fluids. I had a high risk twin pregnancy and had HG. I felt like hell every second of every day, I couldn’t keep anything down and was terrified of the affect it was having on my unborn babies.

He was bored having to wait for me and my initial reaction was to actually feel guilty.

ConstantRaving · 26/05/2018 22:15

Today he grabbed my 5yo son's wrist and twisted it. I remember him doing the same thing to me a decade ago in front of all of our friends and I minimised it. It happens infrequently but there's no excuse.

UserV · 26/05/2018 22:17

If these men are so awful, it makes me wonder why women 'fall in love with them' in the first place. Makes me wonder if they WERE ever in love, or if it was lust, or co-dependency, or thinking this is the best they can get?

Not trying to be mean, but some women do just 'settle' for any man that is just 'OK' ... rather than be alone.

I also read somewhere a while back, that many people who think they have fallen out of love, haven't actually fallen out of love at all....... They were never in love to begin with.

whatareyoueatingNOW · 26/05/2018 22:21

User - love isn't actually a definable concept, no one can describe it, there's no check list, no right or wrong. Making it women's responsibility for "never really being in love" or being co dependent or settling for men who abuse and or mistreat them is awful.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/05/2018 22:23

The beatings, psychological abuse, coercive control, financial abuse,sexual abuse,addiction, both alcohol and pornography, financial abuse, the list is long. It’s left me with serious mental illness but I’m in a good relationship now with a great man who supports me every step of the way.

AnneProtheroe · 26/05/2018 22:23

He prioritised online gaming over being a parent and husband. Every spare second he was online playing Command & Conquer. If I asked him to not play once he would be "in the middle of a battle and my crew need me"

I swear that DD thought she only had one parent - me - right up to when she went to school. He even refused to hear her spellings as he was mid-battle. "Later, DD, daddy is busy"

God he was a selfish wanker.

Original poster

Keyonce · 26/05/2018 22:27

Oh my god Constant, what are you gonna do? That's horrible!!

User they're all nice in the beginning, they don't start out being abusive. That only comes when they feel comfortable in the relationship, and they feel like they've got you now. I also remember how eager he was to get me pregnant, fell pregnant within months of meeting him. I know realise that was his way of "locking " me down.

OP posts:

didsomeonesaybunny · 26/05/2018 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rainboho · 26/05/2018 22:29

I also read somewhere a while back, that many people who think they have fallen out of love, haven't actually fallen out of love at all....... They were never in love to begin with.

I do actually agree with this. I think for me, I was young to marry (22) and I had very low self esteem. Its very tempting to call it hindsight, but I just settled for what I thought I deserved.

Original poster

Keyonce · 26/05/2018 22:29

Omg Anne were we married to the same man?? He was also addicted to games, and constantly playing on his phone. Whenever I asked him to help me with something, or do something for the kids I had to wait til he finished his game .

OP posts:

UserV · 26/05/2018 22:34

@whatareyoueatingnow

Making it women's responsibility for "never really being in love" or being co dependent or settling for men who abuse and or mistreat them is awful.

Stop making shit up that I NEVER SAID.

Jesus Christ, some people will do ANYthing to try to start a fucking argument!

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/05/2018 22:35

Keyonce, my second husband was addicted to gaming as well as porn etc and nothing could be done unless he had reached the next level or achievement so effectively taking a couple of hour so you end up doing everything yourself

hungryhippo90 · 26/05/2018 22:35

He put us in debt many times, he promised it would all be different. He was forcibly made bankrupt. Everyone blamed me. It was all my fault they said, unaware that our household was topped up with benefits and them benefits were all that ever reached our households needs like the bills, food, clothes and everything else. I was left in a state when he went bankrupt I was left paying for his car running costs which were every penny I had.
He didn’t pay anything toward his debts. That stung. 18 months later, he’s in a similar position again.
He pisses money up the wall. He pretends to be supportive but he isn’t. He doesn’t pay toward anything he’s supposed to. He has borrowed circa £5k off me in the past year which I will never see a penny of, he has literally had me work for him for £0 most of the time we have been together.

He didn’t propose and didn’t pay toward our wedding. He intentionally discounts anything I ever want.

He has belittled me and taken any confidence I had.

I realised about a week ago I don’t even like him enough to sleep with any more.

I am trying to get a job of my own so I can support me and DD, then I will be leaving.

It’s not even worth the argument anymore.

SadEnoughAlready · 26/05/2018 22:36

As soon as my back was turned he cheated on me... I had to leave our home (not because of him or us, to care for a relative miles away) only meant to be temporary. As far as I was aware we were very happy
that same day I left, he was on POF and other websites. I found out a few days later, confronted him and he lied then I produced the screenshots I have reasonable proof he'd slept with at least 1 woman.
As soon as he knew I knew he fed me a load of bullshit. He didn't know who he was, wanted to go find himself (surprising for a man in his 30's) then the kicker, he didn't know if he wanted me, loved me or wanted to be a dad to our planned unborn child.
I was devastated for about 18 minutes.
Then I realised that if he can throw away years together so easily when my side of the bed wasn't even cold, he's not worth my time. So when he told me again that he doesn't know what he wants; I said "I do. I want to be single. Have fun".

I think he regrets it now.

I don't.

UserV · 26/05/2018 22:37

@userv

I also read somewhere a while back, that many people who think they have fallen out of love, haven't actually fallen out of love at all....... They were never in love to begin with.

@Rainboho

I do actually agree with this. I think for me, I was young to marry (22) and I had very low self esteem. Its very tempting to call it hindsight, but I just settled for what I thought I deserved.

Yeah exactly this rainboho. ^

I do think some women just 'settle' and are never really in love to begin with. So they don't 'fall out of love' they were actually never IN love to start with. Then after a few years, they realise what a bell-end he is, and that actually, he was a bell-end all along.

Singlenotsingle · 26/05/2018 22:39

They start off on their best behaviour to sucker you in, then as time goes on they relax and show you their true colours

Glovesick · 26/05/2018 22:40

Porn addiction, Facebook adddiction,alcohol dependency, financial irresponsibility, controlling behaviour, lack of empathy, laziness, entitlement, lack of care, lies, faithfulness, selfishness. Complete psychopath who most people find charming and personable.

Took me 10 years to realise his MO: flatter, groom, abuse, dump. During the abuse phase, he starts the cycle with other women. Once a successful taker is found, the dump stage on the first victim starts.

Potplant · 26/05/2018 22:44

I caught him 'sexting' another woman. He was suitably penitent for about a month. Then he sent me a similar text and made a joke about it. I realised he didn't really care how devasted I was. mt biggest regret was that I didn't chuck him out there and then. Instead it dragged on for too long, till I had no self esteem and the DCs were old enough to know what was going on.

Oh and I was in love with him.

AnneProtheroe · 26/05/2018 22:44

@Keyonce it's dispiriting, isn't it. To see DD's little face crumple because she knew her spellings and wanted to show her daddy that she knew them.

I could howl with tears now about that and that was 17 years ago! Bloody online games. Well, he now works then goes home to play online games, then back to work in the morning. Sad, when you think how much stuff there is to do in life!

Original poster

Keyonce · 26/05/2018 22:44

Fantas one time DS fell asleep in his high chair and ex was in our bedroom playing on his phone, I asked him to get out so I could put DS in his cot. He refused and told me to wait for him to finish his game, so I sat there like an idiot with DS in my arms for 30 min waiting for him to finish playing. It makes me angry just thinking about it.

OP posts:

ToadOfSadness · 26/05/2018 22:48

Drinking, lies, wasting money for a start. Steaming ahead with things that I didn't want until I broke down from trying to say no before it sunk in.

silverstarling1 · 26/05/2018 23:04

Prostitutes, temper, affair, list is endless. But surprisingly the thing I hated the most was how 99% of people out of the relationship thought he was such a great person, and if I ever told anyone about any of this- can guarantee they would point blank call me a liar cause he puts up such a good persona

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