What made you fall out of love with him?

[Keyonce]

Just that really. For me it was years of doing everything on my own, him not caring about when I'm ill, or heavily pregnant. Him not having any goals or ambitions in life, not being able to hold down a job. Would literally work for a few months, then he would get sacked or quit.

Then there's the same arguments over and over again, it just worn me out. And there's the abuse, controlling/bullying behaviour.

I just stopped loving him, didn't want to kiss or have sex with him. I didn't find him attractive anymore, it took me awhile to realise I didn't love him anymore.

When he shat the loo and didn't flush. That was the day I realised he came out without a wallet so I would have to pay for everything whenever we left the house. Every time. Including refusing to buy me a cup of coffee on my birthday.

His poor wife. He married after I dumped him. She was so pretty; now she looks awful, working night shifts to support him.

I am so sorry for all of you who had such miserable experiences of marriage. Hugs to all.
I never stopped loving my DH, who was a total sweetheart, but he died 26 years ago and I still miss him terribly. I hope that you are all able to move on and find someone genuinely loving. And at least you presumably won't miss your ghastly exes!

@constantraving

Please get your child and you out of that situation right now. Call a family member, close friend. Just do it.

Glovesick you could be talking about my STBXH there! Took me 10 years to see it too, and still there are some people who blame me and can't see through him.

Babdoc what a lovely post! Strangely after all the disgusting careless to the point of evil things my dp did I stilllllll hurt when I see him move on with someone else, crazy

If I listed everything, I would be here all night. Big one, 3 weeks after my wonderful mum died. "I'm glad your mum died, she was a fucking cunt." I slapped him. He called the police and told them I'd assaulted him.

"I also read somewhere a while back, that many people who think they have fallen out of love, haven't actually fallen out of love at all....... They were never in love to begin with."

That's a strangely Disney-fied belief about what life and love is like. It makes it sound like true love happens once and once only in someone's life and lasts for ever... which is a bit of a myth, really.

Nothing as terrible as some of these stories, in my case. After years of struggling with long distance relationships (while he played committment-phobe and jerked me around), in retrospect, I see the nail in the coffin was actually him getting yet another job in a distant town which would have committed me to yet more travel (which was knackering my health) or chucking in my career for bugger all in the way of committment from him in return. The way he chose to tell me was to send the following e-mail: "I've decided to take the job in [town name]. I hope we can find travel arrangements that work."

Even then, it wasn't that I fell out of love instantly - but it was the start of a long, slow death, and messy, painful split. Even then when we split I still loved him - it took several years to "wean myself" off the drug of feeling that way.

One of the biggest myths we are sold as women is that "love conquers all", or that "if you love him enough love should conquer all." Sometimes we fall in love with people who are not healthy for us - not good for our self-esteem, emotional or physical well-being, not good for us financially or in terms of other bits of our life. It is right and proper to try to cure oneself of being in love with such a person, but it's not an indication that the love was in some sense "false" or "pretend" or "limerance" or whatever crappy term you've picked up from pop psychology. The love was real - we just gave it (because these guys are very good fakers) to a person who was unworthy of it.

silverstarling totally with you on nobody being able to believe he was such an utter piece of shit because he came across as auch a great guy.

So sad to read about the shit that women put up with. ☹️

I’ve had this realisation in more than one relationship. First serious boyfriend. Remember him watching me put on make up and as I applied mascara he pushed my hand so I stuck the brush in my eye. I screamed at him and he left. Took him back (fool) and finally dumped him when my father asked me where he was (working away) and when he was due back (didn’t know didn’t care). DF looked at me and said “so that’s it then?” Me “yes”and it was. Thank fuck. Total loser.

I’ve been in a relationship for over 7 years and after reading these posts I’m wondering if I am one of those who have never actually been in love, but just thought i was

Last year I found out my partner had spent just under £2000 in private chat rooms with women, watching them strip and the rest.. i wanted to save my family but now I think why did I bother? It’s something I’m never going to recover from so why should I try?

Ladies is this something that would be a deal breaker for you?

@Glovesick that is EXACTLY what happened to me with ex fiance (same sex relationship). She kept all our mutual friends, they all still think she is wonderful..

Annon even you asking that question shows deep down you know what you do. You know what he's doing is not right, and you deserve better. Please look after yourself and leave this bastard. Make your plans to leave NOW

There was a steady build-up of resentment on my part at various things which degraded the quality of our life: excess alcohol, refusal to participate in family life or do anything at weekends other than go to the pub and sleep, verbal abuse, gaslighting.

The final straw was when he threatened to burn the house down after I refused to give him five grand to "start his own business". This was two months after he had walked out of a reasonable job when I had explicitly asked him not to as we needed the money and I knew he wasn't up to managing a business. That was the point at which I realised he would slowly eat away both at my sanity and mine and my daughter's financial security.

We're getting divorced now, I'm paying out to him and it will be worth every penny not to be yoked to him for the rest of my life and to keep bailing him out in every way every time he fucks something up.

I think I'm falling out of love. Hasn't worked since last July, hasn't even tried to. He was "too stressed" after his last job, then he had a hernia op and was ill with blood clots, serious stuff, but made it worse by going to 2 football games when he had been told to rest up. Then despite me trying to organise everything so I could manage all my separate commitments (freelancer in several fields and have recently taken on so much I'm working ridiculous hours, but mostly from home so he doesn't seem to view it as real work) he just has been so grumpy and negative and I'm realising it's not just being unwell, he's always like this. The way he phrases all conversations so as to put the onus on me "what is going on today" (look at the fucking weekly plan) "what's your plan for tea" (why can't you organise and cook it), "where's x" on it goes. He lost his set of keys 2 weeks ago, have been desperate for him to find them as we're sharing mine, have asked him many times to check his clothes, in the middle of yet a another argument I got him to do it and he found them within 2 minutes. In his jacket.

I am realising that I'm only staying for the kids. That maybe although it will be hard it will be better for them ultimately to not be exposed to the rows and nastiness on both sides. I feel utterly broken.

Prioritising his ex over me constantly. She would meddle and send abuse to me and he never stopped it. Even when I was ill and needed to go to hospital. He did stick up for me with the hospital stuff but said "she's not that bad".

I have been asking myself for a year now do I actually love him.

Anon

This would be a deal breaker as it’s the same as cheating, and the fact of the money is worse, I know it’s easy to say when your not in the situation and I have been with prostitutes but your never gunna be able to fully get over that and it’s a horrible thing. I hope you leave him and tell him you can never get over what he’s done. The fact you forgave him and tried to move on doesn’t mean you have to, you tried and you can’t get past it so it’s your right