to wonder how much longer I can put up with this?

[curlywurlygurly83]

My long-term partner is suffering with depression and anxiety and has been on ADs for four years now. Work was a trigger, so I took promotion and he cut his hours.

Now, he works from home for max. 5 hours a week. The money he brings in only just covers his weekly tobacco and wine. I'm out of the house from 6.45am til approx. 6pm on weekdays, then often have to work from home for a little bit each evening and Sundays.

I pay the mortgage and bills. I cook and do all cleaning other than loading the dishwasher. Over time, he has become more and more nocturnal, so now he comes to bed when I get up at 6am and he's often still in bed when I get home from work.

Whenever I tell him that I miss spending time with him, or suggest things to do together, I'm accused of being a nag and that he's happy as he is. I'm lonely and more and more resentful.

Am I being selfish?

No, but I think his depression might have a lot to do with how things are. He isn't being fair to you, but he may genuinely feel he's doing his best, so I'd say discuss it but do so sensitively. (I'm speaking as someone who battles anxiety and depression on a daily basis.)

Depressed and skint is fine but his contribution to your table is to send his money on himself?
Ltb and get a paying lodger is my advice.

That sounds really tough for you - sending you and a hug.

You must be exhausted and frustrated - does this come across when you speak with your partner and might be why he says you are nagging? Or is he unwilling to engage?

Do you think he is really happy with how things are?

Would you be able to speak to him calmly and explain how you feel? Would he consider counselling?

I was in a relationship with someone with depression and put a great deal of pressure on myself to be perfect and do everything because that would mean he could get better. Ultimately you can only support and must ensure that you stay well and don’t take on too much.

Do you want to continue this relationship? How do you feel asking that question of yourself?

This would be very tiresome. Maybe threatening him with a split might wake him up (literally) and get him to finally realise he needs to get motivated.

I'd also be inclined to grab myself a meal on the way home from work and tell him he needs to sort his own dinner as you've already eaten.
Or if you have children tell him it's his turn to cook and actually stick to it.

I'd feel for him but in all honesty, I'd feel resentful as well and ask him why he thinks his depression is a barrier to being able to use a duster or a vacuum cleaner or a washing-machine.

Could you leave him a rota of chores to be done in 10 minute bursts throughout the day, anything to break his schedule up and help you.

Gardening's allegedly good for depression, even if the only real benefit is a bit of fresh air and some days some sunshine and Vit D as well, it has to be better for him than being indoors all day.

I’ve suffered terribly from anxiety in the past and I have no doubt that I was horrible to live with sometimes, so to a certain extent, you both have my sympathy.

However, it doesn’t sound like he is doing very much at all to help himself. You say he’s on ADs but are they working? Is he speaking to his doctor on a regular basis about his dose? Engaging in any sort of therapy? It sounds like he has completely withdrawn from life, which can be an incredibly powerful instinct when you’re anxious, but it is ultimately just going to trap you in the same negative behaviour patterns. The mention of wine and fags is a concern here too.

I think, if it were me, I’d be approaching ultimatum time. Either he demonstrates to you that he wants to get better and takes steps (however small) to work towards this or you walk away. As painful and as difficult as that might be and as cruel as it may seem you have to think about yourself as well as him.

Sounds like his AD's sren't the right fit anymore. He needs to get to the GP ASAP to get his medication tweaked.changed and also request counselling. You need to tell him how you are feeling and that he needs to work on helping himself.

Talk about the household tasks - leave him a list of small jobs and build up from there. There may be things he can easily cope with doing and will give him a purpose - let him have responsibility for those. Be very kind and easy on yourself - and no, you are not being selfish but depressed people often are totally self obsessed and really cannot see the others POV due to their illness. Emotionally detach and live a parallel life almost whilst he recovers and think about your boundaries - what would he need to do in order for you to be more content?

If you decide to leave don't feel guilty and watch out for your own mental health.

Yanbu.
AD's alone aren't enough on their own, we're also supposed to do CBT and make an attempt to get back into a normal routine.
If he's drinking a lot of wine, i'd question if he taking his AD's.They dont mix well.

get him to check his bloods for Vit D deficiency and then treat it

Stop doing the cleaning and cooking - say you are too sad and depressed to do it now, or pretend you have hurt your hand/have frozen shoulder.

Get a dog? Make him take it for walks.

What therapies is he engaging in? His happiness atm is dependent on you doing everything, so that is not something he is self sufficient in, so he cannot justify telling you not to interfere.

I've been depressed. My partner is v helpful. But in the end, it is only doing things that make you actually cheer up, after you treat any obvious deficiencies/chemical issues/physical problems.

Thank you for all the responses and sorry it's taken a while to reply.

He already takes a vit D supplement. I'm worried about how much he's drinking and yes, it does feel like he's completely withdrawn from life.

I hurt my back a few weeks ago and haven't been able to do much housework. Mopping and hoovering is beyond me at the moment, so the floors haven't been done for a fortnight. I've asked him several times to at least mop the kitchen floor, but he hasn't.

Today, he didn't go to bed until 8.30am and is still asleep now. We've had many discussions and I've made it clear that I wish he would sleep at a normal time and that we could do things together at the weekends, but he just shrugs. I don't nag or get angry, I just make requests and then bite my tongue when I get back from a tough day at work to find him still asleep and nothing done. Just existing seems to take so much out of him and I don't really want to be his mother as well as his partner.

I don't know what else to do.

Over time, he has become more and more nocturnal, so now he comes to bed when I get up at 6am and he's often still in bed when I get home from work
I think he see's you as someone who's purpose is to provide domestic services and a roof over his head but he doesnt actually want to spend any time with you.
It suits him to live in the same physical premises as you(because it's free and he doesnt have to contribute anything) but his 'workaround' is to live in the opposite time zone to you.

I know it's tough but I would be looking to end this relationship, he's not going to improve and in the meantime he is sucking the life out of you, forcing you to live a resentful and miserable half life.

I say save yourself....while you still can!

Hi OP. I definitely feel for you. I suffer from depression / anxiety and went through a similar phase as your DP a few years ago. Exactly the same, nocturnal, sleeping through the day, drinking (which is a depressant so will absolutely not be helping!) etc. Honestly he's not doing anything to help himself, but when you're deep in a hole it's hard to get out. I can't offer words of wisdom as everyone is different, but YOU need to focus on your mental health too. You can only help someone if they want help.
If you're not happy you don't need to stay, as you'll end up in a really bad place

I think he see's you as someone who's purpose is to provide domestic services and a roof over his head but he doesnt actually want to spend any time with you.
It suits him to live in the same physical premises as you(because it's free and he doesnt have to contribute anything) but his 'workaround' is to live in the opposite time zone to you.

Just as a counter point to this, when I went through almost year of this it wasn't because I didn't want to see my DP or expected him to pick up after me, it was because I didn't want to be awake. It was easier to be asleep and tune out the world. Being awake at night was easier, as it meant I didn't have to leave the house, talk to people.. be normal. It was an escape. Obviously everyone is different but throwing a different perspective and trying not to judge her DP who is clearly struggling.

This sounds really awful. It's terrible he's so depressed so I feel for him but I really feel for you also.

Has he been the same throughout the 4 years of being ill? Were there times in the past he was any better?

It does sound like, as you say, just existing seems to be as much as he can do. But does he ever talk about the future - both stuff he'd like to do once he's well enough? Or your future plans as a couple? Or anything?

If he can see a future where he's not depressed, I think it would be easier to sit down together and try to come up with plans and actions to change things, broke into small bite size steps to not be overwhelming. But if he's so depressed and lost that a future with a fulfilling life is an alien concept to him, I think it's much harder.

Please protect your own mental health.

I'm accused of being a nag and that he's happy as he is.

Being depressed doesn't cause people to call other people names. He's told you he doesn't want to look at changing things and brings nothing to your life at all.

If you've had 20 years of him being the most amazing and supportive man in the world, I get it. But I couldn't indefinitely carry someone's health concern. Four years is a long time.

What is he doing to recover and recuperate? Sitting at home all week and becoming nocturnal is not good self care, and I say that as someone on ADs and not great at self care.

Is he taking any responsibility for his health? I can understand the work issue, but after cutting the hours and taking the pills, what else has he done?

Ideally he needs to see his GP, maybe a counsellor or therapist. If work was the trigger, was it stress or the work itself? Can he change work type? Can he retrain? If he's only working 5hrs per week is he eligible for any benefits?

Don't forget you need support too - it's exhausting being the partner of a depressed person, and even more so when you're their only support.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

Broken not broke

No you're not, living with depression is hard for both of you. If he isn't able to or willing to change, then I guess it depends how much you are willing to take.

He may be happy but whàt about you? How long can you carry on like this? When will he get back to normal? This year, next year, sometime...?

He's talked recently about wanting us to go to San Francisco for my next big birthday (five years from now), so there's a glimmer of hope for the future, I suppose.

Apart from taking the medication, he isn't doing much else. He rarely goes anywhere apart from walking to the shop and we realised that a recent trip out to a comedy show in a nearby city was the first time since Christmas that he's been out of the house for more than an hour. That was the day I hurt my back, but I wasn't going to cancel the first plans he'd agreed to in months, so forced myself to go. He won't go to counselling or therapy because 'it didn't help last time' when he was depressed, before we met.

My biggest worry is what would happen to him if we weren't together. His 'assets' are tied up in our house as he put down a sizeable deposit. I can't afford to buy him out, but he can't afford to live here alone. We'd have to sell, but he won't get a subsequent mortgage as he has such a small income. I feel irrationally guilty, which I suppose is a factor in me staying.

So, what about a medication review? They don't seem to be working. Was he offered CBT?

I have been on both sides of this. When DH wouldn't do therapy, wouldn't make any effort to improve I did issue an ultimatum- take x steps or it was over.

I was broken hearted and had become very unwell due to his behaviour towards me for a few years.

For us it worked, not perfect but he is so much better as an I

I am in a similar place to your dp, very despondent and have stopped doing most things esp housework (not nocturnal or drinking tho). I hope I am not like this for years though. I wonder if he needs different meds? It does sound as though he is very stuck in a rut.

I think you need to say to him you can’t live like this anymore, give him a list of jobs he needs to do each day, he has to change his sleeping pattern. I’m not saying it’s going to happen overnight but if he hoovered 3 x a week would be a start. You will have to give him an automatum and a time limit when he has to change. The thing is the more he thinks only of himself he will never get better.

This must be awful for you, OP. You're working yourself into the ground while he isn't do a thing to help. Depression is a horrible thing so any discussion needs to be sensitive, but I think it needs to be an ultimatum. Give him a chance to change his ways, maybe set a timescale and talk about the things he must do in the home, that he must see his GP for an in depth discussion and possible change of meds, or that he must look for a job. If he doesn't sort himself out, would you consider separating? You can't allow any misplaced guilt to keep you in this non-relationship. He seems to be treating you as his provider and housekeeper. Something has to change or you could end up suffering mental health issues yourself.