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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how much longer I can put up with this?

50 replies

curlywurlygurly83 · 26/05/2018 15:19

My long-term partner is suffering with depression and anxiety and has been on ADs for four years now. Work was a trigger, so I took promotion and he cut his hours.

Now, he works from home for max. 5 hours a week. The money he brings in only just covers his weekly tobacco and wine. I'm out of the house from 6.45am til approx. 6pm on weekdays, then often have to work from home for a little bit each evening and Sundays.

I pay the mortgage and bills. I cook and do all cleaning other than loading the dishwasher. Over time, he has become more and more nocturnal, so now he comes to bed when I get up at 6am and he's often still in bed when I get home from work.

Whenever I tell him that I miss spending time with him, or suggest things to do together, I'm accused of being a nag and that he's happy as he is. I'm lonely and more and more resentful.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

limon · 09/06/2018 18:34

You can't and neither should you have to.

Stop killing yourself for someone else's comfort. I can't see anything in this relationship for you.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 09/06/2018 18:36

I think you have to make a decision or you will be stuck and unable to get a mortgage yourself.You can only give so much and is this to be the rest of your life because he has no interest in changing because he is comfortable.Make thing less comfortable.

ohfortuna · 09/06/2018 18:48

He's talked recently about wanting us to go to San Francisco for my next big birthday (five years from now
I think this is just an illusory carrot
a possible light at the end of a 5 year tunnel

Iflyaway · 09/06/2018 18:55

he's happy as he is.

Well of course he is!

He is happy for you to carry the whole load.

How does that make you feel?

Time to check out I would say.

That is the best you can do for him and you too. Cos then he will have to get his shite together.

My biggest worry is what would happen to him if we weren't together

That is not your problem. You have to take care of Nr. 1 (= you).

What is it in you that is holding onto this also? Solo counselling might help you untangle it all.

DaphneduWarrior · 09/06/2018 19:01

I’ve been dealing with my own severe chronic depression for more than 20 years. From my perspective, things that help:

working, whether paid or not. Having a purpose every day. Feeling like I’ve achieved something when I go to bed at night, even if that’s ‘ate some veg and put a wash on’

having a routine

exposure to sunlight and fresh air. When I’m ill, the thought of leaving my flat is like climbing Everest, but it helps so so much.

spending time with other people. Not all the time and not even every day but enough that I can’t dwell on my own thoughts.

I’m saying all this because I think doing so little, having so little contact with other people and being nocturnal really can’t be helping his mental health. Could you make an appt with his GP to raise all of this and request a medication review? They shouldn’t be renewing his prescription anyway without regular reviews.

Good luck

Iflyaway · 09/06/2018 19:04

The mention of wine and fags is a concern here too

I do wine, fags and weed. Nothing wrong with it. If you keep your daily to-do list together.

Didn't stop me from being a working Single Parent bringing up my son who is an adult now and doing fine, thanks. Also did elderly parents care too.

SilverHairedCat · 09/06/2018 19:06

But if wine and fags are a crutch / excuse in his life, it's linking to his poor health, and it may be a problem for him. Not a reflection on everyone who smokes and drinks.

Pardalis · 09/06/2018 19:11

OP, I'm in a similar position to you except my OH does not work at all. DC at school so he drops off, picks up and feeds him. Bare minimum of housework so I have to catch up at the weekend and do it whilst he sits there playing on the Xbox.

I'm beginning to feel resentful. He is on strong medication for his depression, has got a referral for counselling - again. I am stuck and don't know what to do. I haven't got the balls to issue an ultimatum.

Iflyaway · 09/06/2018 19:16

Get a dog? Make him take it for walks.

Please DO NOT do this! Poor dog. And poor you, it will only give you one more thing to be responsible for.

Sorry, my first LTB. Because you have - sorry - facilitated his complete withdrawal from life. Doing everything to try to fix "his" problem.
That is not to make you feel bad but make you wake up to the situation which is unsustainable. You deserve better than this!

Please take care of yourself. Burn out is a real thing.

How would he react if you came home and said "Sorry, I am moving out, this doesn't work for me anymore?"

Original poster

curlywurlygurly83 · 09/06/2018 19:21

Pardalis, I'm with you on that front- that's why I posted here because it's difficult sometimes to know if I'm just overreacting.

There are a few reasons as to why I have stayed. I do genuinely love the man and we have such a similar sense of humour. 13 years have gone into this relationship and it's taken sacrifice and hard work on my part even to get to the point of us living together.

I'm at my lowest right now and part of me thinks this is the best I can hope for. I have some medical issues of my own that I think will be off-putting to other men seeking relationships, so maybe it's better the devil I know.

OP posts:

Summersnake · 09/06/2018 19:27

If you haven't got married ,or had kids yet,I'd be ending it and getting him to move out..I think he's using you ,under the cover of depression .hes not a teenager able to be up all night ,he's also not making an effort

Tara12 · 09/06/2018 19:28

I suffer from depression and know how hard it can be. I hardly think drinking and smoking will help, I certainly would not do that.
I feel you are in a non-marriage really. Basically, depression isolates both the sufferer and the families of those around the depressed person.
I would suggest counselling but he may well be resistant as you say.
I would also consult a solicitor with regard to your assets.All the other advice about contacting MIND is good also.

Pebbles16 · 09/06/2018 19:29

There is an amazing article in July issues of Red magazine (I don't work for them) about living with a husband with poor mental health. Please read it and assess whether you can continue your relationship.
To the posters who say "go on strike", "get him to step up", I hope you never have to deal with mental Ill health. It doesn't actually work like that.
Yes, it can be seen as selfish that he's sort of working and contributing. And he's drinking and smoking too much. At least he is doing something.
DH and I have both suffered mental ill health. His was acute, mine is chronic. Getting yourself out of bed in the morning is an achievement when it's got a grip. No shock tactics will work. Even good meds and therapy aren't a quick fix.

OP I feel for you. Depression is a real illness. Sometimes I wish my limbs would turn green and fall off when I am deep in it because I might get more sympathy rather than being seen as lazy and weak

Rainbunny · 09/06/2018 19:34

Sorry OP! As someone who has dealt with serious depression I can say honestly that there is no one more selfish than a depressed person and if you continue on in this way nothing will change. You have to look after yourself as well and this situation seems to be at a point where your peace of mind and emotional health are vulnerable. Your DP is hiding from the world and if he's determined to do that he will find a way but you shouldn't sacrifice your own wellbeing to this. You have been very understanding but it's fair to care about your own needs as well. Sorry but I don't think he will magically change his ways overnight, he no doubt feels he can't but can you temporarily separate? Can you stay somewhere else for a while to have a break?

whiteonred · 09/06/2018 19:36

Look, I am 45 and I have ruined my life by spending it with a man I made excuses for, felt sorry for. I wasted all those many many, frustrated, miserable years feeling sorry for him for his inadequacies and his inability to change.

Epiphany moment. Why the hell wasn't I feeling sorry for myself for all the misery it was causing ME being with someone who made me so unhappy?
It is only in the past few months I have realised that I MATTER TOO. Yes, I do. Yes, YOU do. YOU MATTER TOO. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be happy. Your relationship is a bad one for you. Get out.

Missingstreetlife · 09/06/2018 19:36

Tara is right. No alcohol or wacky baccy. Something outside to do at least a few times a week. Go to relate. He needs a shake up, and wake him up when you go out, again when you get in. This has gone beyond depression, it's lifestyle. Kick up the arse time (yes I have been depressed btw before anybody has a go). Good luck. And there would be someone who wants you if it comes to that

Pardalis · 09/06/2018 19:46

Do you feel guilty because you know he won't be able to support himself on his own? I certainly do. Sad to say it's got to the point where I wish he would leave me so I don't feel the guilt

elephantscanring · 09/06/2018 19:47

He’s doing all the wrong things to recover from depression/anxiety.

Smoking and alcohol make depression worse.

Not going out, exercising and getting fresh air? Ditto.

staying up all fucking night? Why does he do that? Ditto.

Not lifting a finger to clean his own house? Not achieving anything each day? All designed to make depression worse.

depression is no excuse for being an unkind git. It really usn’t.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to try anything to make things better.

Do you really want this to be your life forever?

You are not responsible for him. He has to make the effort to help himself.

Claireshh · 09/06/2018 19:51

There is being supportive and then there is facilitating his decision to opt out of life. Four years living like this? No. I couldn’t go on indefinitely like you are. Serious talk time. He has to share the burden of family life or you will separate.

WelcomeToGilead · 09/06/2018 19:52

I spent eight years with someone like this.

I wake every day and thank my lucky stars that I left

I'm v lucky I to be happily married with kids because if I'd stated I would have had nothing at all.

Put yourself first and leave.

Strongmummy · 09/06/2018 19:54

No, absolutely not. His depression is all encompassing and he NEEDS to sort it. The fags and booze are not helping at all. Give him an ultimatum, he needs a wake up call. I speak as someone who has anxiety and depression btw

Oddcat · 09/06/2018 19:57

I'd end the relationship if I were you , although it's not a relationship at all is it ? You cannot take responsibility for his mental health , if he's happy as he is then that's fine but he'll have to get on with things alone. This is no life for you at all , don't waste it trying to mend him , you can't.

gillybeanz · 09/06/2018 20:03

I'm sorry OP, but people live with depression all their lives sometimes.
There is no reason to behave like this.
It doesn't sound like he takes any responsibility to make his life better.
I know it's difficult and not always possible, but if you love somebody you'll do anything to make them happy.

StaplesCorner · 09/06/2018 20:09

curly I was where you are 20 years ago when my husband had a complete breakdown, although he was only off work for 6 months and that was full pay.

We'd sunk all our money jointly into this house which I love. I was 35 he was 40, we'd been together 10 years. I was scared to start again, I wanted children - you say part of me thinks this is the best I can hope for. I have some medical issues of my own that I think will be off-putting to other men seeking relationships, so maybe it's better the devil I know - yeah me too.

I was so wrong, I messed up big time. I stayed, held it all together, had kids with him and its been pretty crap ever since. In fact he told me a while back he had wanted us to split up at that time but he thought I was very keen to carry on with the marriage ...!!! In fact I was just too scared to tell him to go.

Of course I would never wish our kids away, but he's also gone on to damage them too with his appalling behaviour - he came out of the breakdown an entitled bully and this only paused whilst our first DD was born; after that, he's never held back.

Please start arrangements to leave. If he wants to get his life together and start again then he can come to you and tell you what his plan to recover is, but I agree that after 4 years, he thinks you are there to cook clean and provide money. I am so sorry, you deserve more than that.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2018 20:11

YOU cannot change him at all. HE has to want to do that. All that you can do is change you. Determine what you need out of life and do not feel guilty for it! It is not your responsibility to completely compromise your life and sacrifice it because this adult is incapable. You have to look after you and if that means selling the house and splitting, that's what it means.

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