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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP never wants to go anywhere

32 replies

VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 12:49

He started his own small business a year ago and works there 6 days a week.

I love him and we get along great but im getting a bit fed up now.
No weekends away, no holidays. Hes paranoid about losing business and i get it but im just finding it a bit boring. He encourages me to go away with friends and family but it isnt the same is it? I want to go and explore and relax with him.

We were supposed to go away for 3 says in June but anytime i bring it up he gets all kind of evasive about it.

I dont want to push him but at the same time its starting to make me feel resentful.

I moved to his village and i generally have gotten on and made a life for myself here, but i kinda feel like ive had to compromise on where i live, so knowing how important it is to ke to be able to get out, maybe je would make a bit more effort that way?

What do you reckon? Would this be a bit of a dealbreaker for you? Or am i being a bit demanding? I just find it a bit depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 12:52

January is a slow business month for him so i told him i had the money saved: lets take a month off (im also self employed) and just disappear somewhere for a month.

But he rejected that idea saying he was worried he would lose custom.
So i said get someone to manage the business whilst you're away. He said he couldnt trust them to do it properly.

I guess it just winds me up a bit because i feel like screaming: I get it you're a homebody, thats why we live round tje corner frpm your mum in the arse end of nowhere - but lets just go and DO something!!!

OP posts:
BuntyII · 26/05/2018 12:53

No it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. It's not like you can't go away because he's playing golf or watching the formula 1. It would be nice for the two of you to have a break though so he should try to compromise somehow. I'm How is the business doing - do you think it can afford for him to take time off? Can he get someone to cover? And what happens on the seventh day - do you ever go for a day out together?

BuntyII · 26/05/2018 12:54

Sorry cross post, I see you've answered some of my questions

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:05

Thank you @BuntyII on the seventh day (lol) he normally catches up on sleep and catches up with stuff he hasnt had time to do during the week.

I actually find where we live quite uninspiring so it just feels a bit like hanging around whilst he lives his life and i just exist, waiting for my next chance to go away (without him). Confused

OP posts:
BuntyII · 26/05/2018 13:21

Ah well that's not good. DH and I don't go away much and he works 6 days but he makes time for us on his day off and we go out for the day to the beach or for a nice lunch or dinner. It breaks up the monotony!

What does he say when you talk to him about it? Have you explained that you're starting to feel resentful and bored?

SneakyGremlins · 26/05/2018 13:22

Go without him! Maybe that's a way to spring him into action?

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:23

@BuntyII
Like i say we do have a laugh together and usually on his day off we will go out for a nice lunch or dinner or drinks or have people over or go to other peoples houses, its more like i just need to get away, you know?

I havent spoken to him about it and loads of people im close to say i have a real problem with just speaking to him openly but i just dont know how. I dont know how to have this conversation and convey to him that this is a serious sticking point for me, without making him feel bad.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/05/2018 13:24

Well. You're not married. You moved to his village. He's passionate about his work.

You are kind of just following him around, aren't you?

Why did you move to his village??! Sod that!

You're bored, resentful and feel your life is passing you by - because it is! He's busy following his dreams and you're bored senseless.

Can you move back to your own town/friends/life?

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:25

@SneakyGremlins
It doesnt! I do!

He just thinks "oh thats nice, VV is off having fun and i can potter around my village".

It makes me scared we're incompatible on this basic level.

OP posts:
Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:27

@WhatsGoingOnEh
Thats basically how i feel.

It just really saddens me because i love him and he as a person makes me feel really happy and content. Its just this travel vs home thing thats making thigs difficult.

Because i am scared im going to wake up and be like - im 35 and i was just sat around waiting on a guy who carried on living his village life.

I dont know how to have the conversation because im scared theres no solution.

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 26/05/2018 13:30

If you set up your own business you shouldn't expect to have a holiday for the first two years. It takes commitment and sacrifice.
Hopefully in another year he will feel secure enough to take a break.

GreasyFryUp · 26/05/2018 13:44

It's not just about a holiday though is it Queen. He's happy with his limited life and the OP isn't. It's not as if he's apologised and said ok, let's plan something for next year when I'll feel more secure about the business. Or try and compromise and do something that would make the OP happy every now and again. He just doesn't see the importance full stop.

BlueJava · 26/05/2018 13:44

OP have you told him how your feel? Some of the holidays you suggest - 4 weeks in Jan, 3 weeks in June, seem quite long for someone to leave their business if they are confident it would not hit custom badly. Could you arrange a week somewhere, or take a long weekend for 4 days somewhere instead to see how it goes? It may be better to settle for some long weekends and the odd week rather than going for a long period if he's concerned.

BlueJava · 26/05/2018 13:45

Sorry - quite long for someone to leave their business if they are not confident it would not hit business badly.

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:47

@BlueJava
It was 3 days in June Blue, not 3 weeks!

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/05/2018 13:47

Did he ask you to move to his village?

viques · 26/05/2018 13:48

Blue java, it was three days in June not three weeks!

CurlsandCurves · 26/05/2018 13:49

I agree with @Queen. The first few years of setting up a business are incredibly hard. When DH set up almost 15 years ago it was relentless, he didn’t dare turn anything down, worked constantly, we didn’t have a holiday for 4 years.

But in time he felt secure enough to take time off, turn work away if he had lots on already, etc.

Give it time. But don’t sit around waiting, your life doesn’t need to be put on hold.

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:50

@GreasyFryUp
You've really hit the nail on the head thats exactly it. Its about different life priorities and whether I should be kicking off/trying to force change or asking for compromise, or whether i should just accept it as a fundamental unchangeable difference and consider leaving - which i really dont want to do as as i say he makes me happy. But it does feel like life is on hold.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 26/05/2018 13:52

TBH I would dump and run. This man is a boring, narrow-minded yokel who doesn't want to engage with the wider world. And FFS don't have DC with him, or you will be stuck at home all the time, because his business is far too important for him to take on any childcare.

(What is the business, BTW? Is it likely to make decent money, or is it something that will only work if he stays in his six-fingerered backwater doing local things for local people?)

AnneProtheroe · 26/05/2018 13:52

To be fair I can see his POV. When I started my business I didn't ever want to be away from it. Five years down the line and in a lot more relaxed about it and will happily take time out. I can see your POV too, as you want to spend time with him, not just living under the same roof but doing things together.

Everyone needs a break once in a while just to recharge their batteries as it were. It could be that in a little time he will feel more secure in taking time off.

In the meantime, you look after yourself, carve out a social life for you so you're not reliant on him for company. Hope you can come to some satisfactory resolution. Flowers

Thespringsthething · 26/05/2018 13:54

With this business he now has the perfect excuse not to go anywhere which is kind of what he wanted all along. I think it's fine to have a conversation that says- yes I get now you need to be here, but what about in 2,5, 10 years time?

Op you need to think if you can live in that village round the corner from his mum for 10 years or more, he's certainly thinking that. It could work for you, especially if you have children and need a hand, but you also need to decide what extra you need to live this life- a great career, time away with friends, a months holiday a year with him, whatever it is, you would have to start asserting this otherwise you are basically going to be living there.

I am a stay at home type of a person so I understand, but even I get some compromises have to be made and moved to somewhere we could both be reasonably happy with.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 26/05/2018 13:55

Queen. That’s utter nonsense.

VV you really do need to deal with this head on. Sticking your head in the sand really will just waste your life 😕. I know it’s incredibly hard to do when you love someone, but you have to do it.

It’s not that he can’t go, it’s that he doesn’t want to go. He’s happy with his life is his village and doesn’t need anything more. He’s happy for you to go and return to him, but he’s not interested in sharing those experiences with you. It’s no way to live your life. It’s boring & it’s lonely for you, he won’t change because it’s who he is. It’s a HARD thing to accept, I know (been there, broke my heart over it, but ultimately life was better once I accepted that, left him & moved on).

Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 13:55

@ReanimatedSGB
Im sorry, your six fingered comment did make me snort. It's the latter :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
VogueVVague · 26/05/2018 14:00

@AnnieAnoniMouser
Thats it. From his point of view, life is good. Life hasnt changed, its just now im also in it. Meanwhile im unstimulated.
I think i need to figure out what conditions i need to feel happy about living here as @Thespringsthething says. Tell him to find someone to run his business for 3 months a year for example so we can go off (i can afford this). Then maybe put that to him as an ultimatum. Like i can make the village my base, as long as X is happening. If you dont agree with that, we can either move somewhere else or we will have to break up.

Do you think thats fair?

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