Boyfriend's night shifts doing my head in

[Totem543]

DP is on night shifts. Has been for weeks. He gets in at 2/3am, plays PlayStation for hours then sleeps downstairs. Seems to think that because he's on nights that housework is not his duty. On weekends he makes no effort to sleep a bit earlier and get up earlier. He has a daughter and I end up looking after her until 11/12 when he finally materialises. I'm 17 weeks pregnant, tired, want a clean house and expect help doing normal everyday things. He was going to come to bed at 1 last night as he sleeps in our bed on a weekend but sat on his computer game from 11pm-5am. Told him to sleep downstairs if he's going to bed past 1/2 but ignored me and woke me up at 5am on a Saturday morning. Can't get back to sleep as it's getting light and he's snoring away sweetly, probably not to be seen until 2pm. IMO this is normal behaviour for a student or teenager. Not a parent who's about to have another baby. Wtf do I do? I've told him about it, that he doesn't help, but he listens for a week and falls back in to his normal routine. When he's on days he's not like this. AIBU to feel totally lost, to think this isn't normal and to want him to try a bit harder? I'm exhausted by it.

Finishing at 2/3 isn’t a night shift, that’s a late shift. He’s taking the Mickey big time and I would get some new rules in place before baby arrives. He sounds like a selfish kid.

He sounds like he's addicted to gaming. You need to have a serious chat. It's affecting him living a normal family life.

Wake him up in an hour, let him see how it feels

It's referred to as a night shift at his work place, it's this or a day shift.

I just don't understand why being on nights (lates) makes him think it's ok for him to be a total slob. I mean what a life. Wake up, play PlayStation all day, go to gym, go to work, come home, play PlayStation all morning, Bed, repeat. It's shit. It's his choice to be on nights it's not like he has to. I'm starting to think it's not worth the extra money.

Worried he's going to be like this on days and when baby is born. I don't want to be trapped with someone who's no good.

@BdR2018 ?

Mintychoc1

“Wake him up in an hour, let him see how it feels“

I would be having a serious talk. He shapes up or leaves, and not just for a week. Suggest he gets rid of the games console to help him maintain it. Adults that spend hours gaming baffle me.

I get that it's hard and there are many things he could be doing better however I will say that if he doesn't get in till 1/2am. He might find it hard to go to bed straight away. My dh used to work shifts and he always needed an hour or so to decompress and relax before he was able to sleep.
Obviously he should be doing housework and looking after his kid but late shifts can be hard. I always looked at it that if I got back from work at 10pm I wouldn't be able to go straight to sleep even if I was tired so i wouldnt expect him to do it at 2am.

If he can't self regulate his gaming, it needs to go. Grown adults gaming at the expense of their relationships and general other adulting is pathetic.

There’s no way I can go to sleep immediately after a night shift.

Does his daughter live with you? If she doesn't then stop enabling him to have his daughter for a visit but for him to sleep while you take care of her!!!!

Access visits are for her to spend with her father

It's not nights and he goes to bed, not Playstation.

Of course he can't sleep if he keeps himself awake gaming. Yes he may need to relax and decompress a bit but gaming is just going to prevent sleep and keep him even more awake.

I think you are totally right to be pissed off.
He is using the ‘night shift’ excuse to not have to do anyth8ng other than the stuff he wants to do (gaming) and avoid the stuff he doesn’t want to do (looking after his dd, hw etc...)

He really needs to shape up because I think you are right, he still won’t lift a funger once the baby is here. And why would he? His excuse of doing a night shift has worked until then!

Not necessarily. My dh would play on fifa for 45 mins/ an hour then come to bed. Gaming really does relax some people. Like I said he should be doing more especially with his daughter and obviously in general he needs to game less but telling him he has to go to sleep straight away is unfair. I would also say that if he was going to bed at 2am what time do you expect him up? If it's when you get up then that is unfair. It's hard living with someone working shifts cause your body clocks end up working out of sync.

I regularly work night shifts and I crawl into bed about 2 hours after I get home. Some people I work with treat it as though they were on days ie have about 4/5 hours and then bed. It makes sense. You wouldn't get in at 6pm on days and go to bed at 7! He is doing the same, but I understand it's annoying.

Most people need a little bit of time to relax after work to get to sleep but not hours playing the PlayStation. It’s not fair that he then does the same at the weekend when we should be looking after his daughter. Something will need to change otherwise you are going to really really resent him when you are looking after a baby single handed 24/7 because nothing you have wrote about him suggests you will be getting any help from him.

If he worked normal shifts he'd be staying up for 4/5 hours after getting in so why is it any different when finishes at 2am? I'd find it impossible to get to sleep as soon as I got in from work and I doubt most posters here who finish at 5/6pm would be in bed an hour later!

But he should be doing housework. I manage to get a load of laundry and the dishes done before leaving for work in the morning, for example. It would hardly takes hours of his time!

@BdR2018 you think me telling DP to sleep downstairs on the spare bed if he's going to be up too late so he doesn't wake me up is domestic abuse?

The issue here is not him coming to bed late. I wouldn't care if he was doing something a little productive. He played PlayStation for 6 hours before going to bed last night. He plays at least 6/7 hours a day and does nothing else around the house. He only has his daughter on weekends every two weeks and makes no effort to get to earlier on the days he has her so I look after her until he gets out of bed.

@BdR2018 I'm not suggesting he vacuums - wipes a surface maybe, cleans up after himself, the normal stuff you'd do on days. He doesn't do this before he gets up for work either, he is up at 12/1 and plays another 4 hours of PlayStation,

We have a room that needs painting, a shit ton of washing, ironing, cleaning, tasks that need to be done and he doesn't do anything. His night shifts seem to be his excuse.

I work nights and it really does mess your clock up. But my nights are 7pm to 8am. I would then sleep all day. But if he is doing the same at weekends I'd be pissed.

If he gets in at 2am he will need a few hours to relax. Sleeping till around 12 would be normal.

If he is doing it all week, it may be that at weekends he body is still on night mode.

Can I clarify that him staying up at night isn't the issue! I couldn't care less! The issue is that he spends 6-7 hours a day on PlayStation, leaves the house in a mess and thinks being on nights is a good excuse!

He’s a lazy, selfish prick and this is your future, when the baby comes along, OP. Sorry. Many people work a ‘proper’ night shift and still come home to walk the dog, help get the kids ready, throw on a wash, then go to bed. Then they do it all again, the next night/day. It’s called being in a mutually beneficial relationship. What benefit is he bringing to the relationship, OP?

For a start, STOP looking after his child. Take the child into his room, pop her on the bed and tell him you’re going out for a walk. Stop washing his clothes, cooking his meals and being his ‘mummy’, rather than his wife. You’re going to end up doing it all, plus looking after two children and this selfish manchild for the next 18yrs. If you don’t woman up and deal with this situation NOW, you’re going to be on your hands and knees, in a few years, while he gets to act as if he’s moved in with his mum.