Boyfriend's night shifts doing my head in

[Totem543]

DP is on night shifts. Has been for weeks. He gets in at 2/3am, plays PlayStation for hours then sleeps downstairs. Seems to think that because he's on nights that housework is not his duty. On weekends he makes no effort to sleep a bit earlier and get up earlier. He has a daughter and I end up looking after her until 11/12 when he finally materialises. I'm 17 weeks pregnant, tired, want a clean house and expect help doing normal everyday things. He was going to come to bed at 1 last night as he sleeps in our bed on a weekend but sat on his computer game from 11pm-5am. Told him to sleep downstairs if he's going to bed past 1/2 but ignored me and woke me up at 5am on a Saturday morning. Can't get back to sleep as it's getting light and he's snoring away sweetly, probably not to be seen until 2pm. IMO this is normal behaviour for a student or teenager. Not a parent who's about to have another baby. Wtf do I do? I've told him about it, that he doesn't help, but he listens for a week and falls back in to his normal routine. When he's on days he's not like this. AIBU to feel totally lost, to think this isn't normal and to want him to try a bit harder? I'm exhausted by it.

Yes but if he went to bed as soon as he got home, he'd be up at 10 am ish and could do a bit of housework.

It's the Playstation filling all the hours that turns it into a night shift, not it actually being a night shift.

Gaming isn't relaxing - it's stimulating and stopping him from sleeping. Plus he needs to stay on for 'just til I've finished this, oh no this, and this' and so on.

My DM worked nights (proper nights) when I was a child - still got up at 3pm to do the school run and look after me. And did cooking, washing, ironing etc. I don't know how she did it - I've done nights myself, she just said you have to when you have kids.

I wouldn’t have got pregnant by him

@boatass why do people like you think it's ok to make comments like that to pregnant women? Unnecessary.

I wouldn’t have got pregnant by him

What an incredibly helpful answer. If you could just be a dear, OP, and pop into this time machine, so you’re not pregnant, there’s a dear. 🙄

Do you think he’s happy to work the night shift, so he’s got a good excuse not to behave like a grownup and pull his weight at home, OP? It certainly seems to suit his nomadic, teenage boy, lifestyle, doesn’t it?

Have you actually sat down and seriously thought about how you see your future panning out with this manchild? I’m not saying LTB just make sure you get a good builder in to lay that patio but do you think this relationship is going to make you happy long term? What age is he?

@PositivelyPERF he's in his 30s. He's not the cleanest but he's better and at least tries when he's on days. I think he does the night shifts so he can play PlayStation. I asked him about it and he said 'it's a hobby I enjoy with my mates so I don't see a problem with it' - I don't have a problem either. I have a problem with him playing it for 7 hours a day. He just doesn't get it.

That’s so depressing. You do realise he’s just told you that your happiness and his contact with his child, is less important than a game station, don’t you? I think you really really need to work out if you are going to be happy long term. Please don’t stay in a relationship where you and your child are just living in the house, rather than being part of a loving family with TWO involved parents. That sounds soul destroying.

@PositivelyPERF just don't know what to do. We just bought a house. He was great when we first moved in. He's slowly turning in to a game/mobile phone addict... I'm just so tired of it.

Sorry for asking so many questions, but how long are you together? I’m just trying to work out if he’s been putting a good face on until he’s ‘got’ you. Now he doesn’t have to. Have you told him that you can see you both breaking up, if this goes on?

sounds like he wants to be single.
I strongly suggest helping him with that desire and telling him and his playstation to fuck off and don't come back.

Doing late shift isn't the problem. Its the selfishness and the gaming. Don't talk about it do something. Action is what he will understand. If you can go to your parents house every time is dd is coming around and let him look after her. In fact go to your dps today and stay there until he grows up. No way can you live like this. You would be far better to be on your own as you wouldn't be getting stressed and upset every day. He sounds horrible so no loss if he decides to live alone with his X box.
I really hope you have a supportive family to go to.

@PositivelyPERF we've been together four years. No need to apologise.

@KlutzyDraconequus not always that easy to just pack up and leave. I'm not sure most people would realistically just up and end everything after four years because of a few weeks of nights. I'd rather try and fix this first just not sure how.

@junebirthdaygirl I don't have parents' houses to go to unfortunately.

I'd rather try and fix this first just not sure how.

that will go one of two ways.
ypullnasknhin to change, hell change for a while and then go back to how he is. you'll then moan, he'll change for a while and then go back to how he is. So on and So on and so on etc. which will only be compounded when. baby comes along. let's face it, he's avoiding an older child that takes little work. I doubt he'll turn into super dad with a baby.
so you'll be left being a single parent to a baby, an older child and a man child. so the wheel will roll of nagging, rowing, arguing, resenting, nagging, resenting, arguing, rowing, etc. leading to a poisonous atmosphere, walking in egg shells and little snippets of possible happiness when might man decides to be a decent partner for a day or a week..

or.. you'll ask him to change.
he changes, pulls his head out of his ass and starts being a decent partner.

how many times does the former happen to people compared to the latter? how many times has the former already happened to you?

@KlutzyDraconequus it's happened once, when I asked him a couple of weeks ago. I've never had to in the past.

I'd be concerned that:

I’m just trying to work out if he’s been putting a good face on until he’s ‘got’ you

is accurate.

fine relationship of 4 years suddenly changes now the woman is pregnant and tied to a mortgage.

@KlutzyDraconequus hoping and praying this is just linked to his nights and not what you're suggesting.

This is a game addiction issue not a shift pattern issue, but you’ve figured that out.

This needs to be an adult conversation between the two of you where you express your unhappiness at the current situation and he acknowledges how you’re feeling. If he’s unwilling to do that then you really are in serious trouble. Tackling this in the moment when tensions are high is unlikely to be productive, but calmly express your unhappiness and the need to talk and keep doing this until he listens. If he doesn’t - there’s your answer.

In the mean time, if he’s not pulling his weight with household management, then stop doing any domestic tasks for him - go on strike. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t make his meals or shop for him. Definitely don’t provide free childcare for him. Find your own thing that you spend an entire weekend doing - doesn’t matter what - and leave him to care for his own daughter by himself. Get busy with your own hobby.

You can’t change him or his behaviour - you can only express how you feel, and change your own behaviour/response to him. Stop enabling his choices, allow him to face the actual consequences of his behaviour (having to care for his daughter on little sleep, running out of clean clothes). If his response isn’t to sober up and realise he needs to pull his weight and stop treating you like staff - you have the choice to not remain in the relationship.

Look after yourself and your baby, and have a serious think about your options if this is how he continues to behave. Get a handle on your legal situation - if you’re unmarried, have bought property together, and a baby on the way possibly impacting your income, things might be quite complicated.

well have a conversation and tell him it's not working in this set up.
you need his help and support and for him to be a father. he's not a child anymore.

spell it out as tho hes a child, tho you really shouldn't need to be doing this.
Gaming is a Hobby.. hobbys are done in free time.. free time is time afterwork, chores, spending time with children. also spell it out that if he insists on making you live like a single parent, that you may as well be a single parent.
if he gets it and changes for the long term, fab, move on and have a great life.
if he doesn't get it and nothing changes, don't fall into the cycle like above in the hopes he'll change. begin preparation to separate.

Ugh, man child. My ex was like this. Was horrible when the kids were little. You won'tt win this one - sorry to be a pessimist.

To be fair though, who can possibly go straight to bed after a work shift whichever time. I think wind down till 5ish then sleep till lunch time is reasonable. No housework is not though you need to have a chat about that!!

Yes but if he went to bed as soon as he got home, he'd be up at 10 am ish and could do a bit of housework.

Would you go to bed at 6pm when you got home, just so you could get up at 3am to do housework? No, so why do you expect someone who works lates/nights to do the same? This crops up all the time on these threads and I don't get it.

Of course he should be doing housework but you are limited by noise etc. in the middle of the night. Of course he could wash up and tidy up after himself but it's not like he can put the laundry on or run the vacuum around at 3am.

What's his excuse for not doing basic tidying? And he could get up a couple of hours before work and get some housework done - if he cared, that is.

@Looneytune253 not suggesting at all that he should go straight to bed. The only time on nights that I would go straight to bed is after a 12 hour shift from 7-7. Will definitely be trying to sort out the lack of housework though...

if he gets in at 2am, couple hours relaxing, bed at 5am up at 12.
from 12till leaving for work he should be doing usual house chores, spending time with daughter and pregnant partner.

this is what people usually do after work and before bed, family, chores, etc.
not putting games on and ignoring everything else.

few day shift people get up 4 hours before work to play games and then play games after their shift.

I'd be going out on Saturdays so ge has to get up for his daughter. I assume her mother drops her off?

Wonder why they split...