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Original poster

That after a year I haven't met my DP's family

72 replies

justwishiwasnormal · 25/05/2018 23:09

So I've been with my DP for a year. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that he still hasn't told his family about me? I've met his kids once during an 'impromptu' visit but they don't know I'm his girlfriend. He hasn't met my family either but mine know about him. It's his 40th coming up and I imagine this will be the 2nd birthday (aswell as 2 Valentine's Days and one Christmas) where my cards and 'stuffed' in a draw away from sight. Before anyone says it he's definitley not in another relationship.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 26/05/2018 00:16

OP, I'm sorry but I tend to agree with PPs. It sounds to me like he's got one foot out of the relationship. I can only judge things based on my experiences, of course, but this all sounds very familiar to me - reminds me of an ex who wasn't really into me. It's not always easy to spot when you're in it.

As an aside, please don't commit yourself further without meeting his parents and establishing that they are warm, loving, respectful people. (Read some of the in-law threads on here.)

FizzyGreenWater · 26/05/2018 00:18

Stuffed in a drawer?

Fuck that for being used.

Seeing parents once a month is pretty close, really.

Dump him.

bellsbuss · 26/05/2018 00:26

My BIL is like that , he was with his last girlfriend for over 2 years before any of us met her. I found it strange but he's a very private person and totally different to his brother who introduced me to his whole family within a few weeks of us being together

Solo · 26/05/2018 00:33

My ex was like this too. It took 10 months before I met his mum and even then she didn't know we were 'together' Hmm He wouldn't introduce me to his eldest Dd and we finally met after 15 months; it wasn't as if she was a child either, she was nearly 30. I met her socially once more but, I wasn't allowed to mention to anyone that I was 12 weeks pg...Turned out he was in another relationship alongside 'ours' and I found out after more than 4 years.

Your boyfriend is hiding something. Absolutely!

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 00:33

He is a very private person and I think he struggles with people knowing about his personal life at all (as do I). This is the first relationship he has had since his ex wife 5 years ago. I do genuinely think that this isn't about him not being bothered or hiding something.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 26/05/2018 00:42

I do genuinely think that this isn't about him not being bothered or hiding something.

Really? I don’t mean to be a cynic but what else could it be? You’re concerned enough to post about it. And you admitted that it upsets you.

There’s a difference between being a private person and denying your so called partners existance, which is what he was essentially doing when he stuffed your cards away so his family wouldn’t see them.

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 00:51

Yes it does upset me. The hiding the cards was from the kids as to be fair it wasn't the right time for them to know about me then for various reasons. I don't know that it does deny my existence but I don't think he does volunteer information about me. We do tag each other in things on social media so he is happy for people to see my existence on there and his sisters are friends with him on Facebook.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 26/05/2018 00:51

Stop making excuses for him and wasting your time. This relationship isn’t going anywhere.

19lottie82 · 26/05/2018 00:55

It would seem, from my point of view, that he’s perfectly happy just to “date” you, with no real future intentions, despite any promises he may have made you. Actions speak louder than words, and all of that.

I’d try and push things towards meeting his family ect, verbally telling him that it’s important to you, if need be. If he drags his feet, then you know where you stand.

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 01:12

Yes I agree that it does look like he just wants to date which just confuses me because hats why we split up before because I wasn't happy with a casual relationship. He pursued me 4 months later stating he does want commitment and has time to think about it and reflect on things. Admittedly there have been events (due to kids not us) which have made progressing things more difficult than expected. When I have raised it he has said he does want commitment and everything attached.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 26/05/2018 01:26

Tell him that you are ending things. Explain why and see what happens.

If he's really into you, he will amend things. Otherwise he won't and then you;ll know.

He's possibly not in an actual relationship with his ex but might still be seeing her and happy with that....not wanting to rock the boat,

Do you ever hear about the Mother of his kids?

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 01:33

Yes the mother of his kids is on a new relationship. There's no way there's anything between them. He usually just drops the kids at door (they are older) and just communicates with their Mum through text so barely sees her.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 26/05/2018 01:35

Right! That's interesting...

I would still tell him that it's over OP. He's either thinking you're not good enough or he's just keeping his options open.

Get rid of him! Don't waste precious years on someone who doesn't love you.

greenlynx · 26/05/2018 01:48

A relative of mine was in similar situation with her partner. It took him quite a while to tell his family and kids about her and introduce them. Now we know him better as they've been together for about 10 years so we can see that it was because he's very private person and was worried about kids' opinion and generally felt scared about new relationship. Divorce makes some people sort of more careful and slow.

CressyBessy · 26/05/2018 01:53

Is that you Harry?

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 02:13

I definitley think that's part f it greenlynx. It's just really hard to make sense of when in the receiving end and there's a fine balance between being too complacent/ passive and pushy.

OP posts:
LionAllMessy · 26/05/2018 02:13

If you've been together a year surely you're close enough to just ask him "why haven't you told your family about me?"

Original poster
justwishiwasnormal · 26/05/2018 02:17

Lionallmessy we last spoke about it about 5/6 weeks ago and he said that he would be doing but hasn't to my knowledge as of yet. I'd not pushed it as I thought we need to resolve the situation with the kids first and that's somewhat progressing albeit very slow.

OP posts:
POPholditdown · 26/05/2018 02:21

I didn’t introduce my OH to my family for nearly two years I think (together 6 years now).

It wasn’t due to him but my family were atrocious and judgemental. It was due to them, I was just embarrassed. My family are all very over involved, no boundaries, there used to be constant arguments and would have put us under a microscope straight away. Many more reasons I could give tbh.

No kids involved though.

They then knew about him for a while before I introduced them. It was selfish and weak but it was for my own sanity.

My OH was aware of the reasons though.

When a relative of mine passed away (first person who was close to me to do so) I became a bit stronger and found it easier to handle/ignore all of the bullshit and now things are easier. I cut out the most toxic person and we all get a long now, for the most part.

Everyone’s situation is different and he may well just be what PPs are saying but just wanted to offer a different perspective.

ladycarlotta · 26/05/2018 02:23

I don't think I met my OH's parents for at least a year. Probably longer. I dunno, there are reasons to take things slowly and be cautious, especially when there are kids involved, especially when there's been a biggish breakup in the middle. I really don't read his behaviour as all that suspect.

As you say, OP, it goes both ways. I think you said you haven't invited him to meet your folks bc he hasn't invited you to meet his; maybe you have to bite the bullet and go first. You can't keep waiting for him to direct the relationship; that's on you as much as it's on him.

Bring it up with him and see what he says. If he isn't keen to meet your family even in some low-key way, and is unable to give you a time frame for when he thinks he could be, then you have your answer. But OTOH he might be up for it.

So far you have both conducted the rship as something quite separate from the rest of your lives: transitioning it into your daily life is definitely a big step, but if that's the sort of rship you want then you have to do it. Slowly and incrementally is fine.

halfwitpicker · 26/05/2018 02:43

Have you asked him why he hid your cards?

That action there would have been curtains for me, tbh

Sametimetomorrow · 26/05/2018 02:55

Have you met any of his friends?

MsHopey · 26/05/2018 06:33

Obviously you don't know his motives because you haven't full out asked him what's going on.
But what i find suspicious is you broke up with him because he didn't want commitment, then he begged you to take him back saying he'd changed, but as of yet you haven't seen any proof of that change. I'd say he still wants to be casual and is lying because you dumped him last time he didn't seem committed.

NewYearNewMe18 · 26/05/2018 06:49

It might not be you, it might be that his family are very intrusive and he wants to take his relationship with you at his own pace without the family Spanish inquisition.

Don't forget this forum will always give a biased response (as you've noticed)

Thebluedog · 26/05/2018 06:52

I think he’s either just not that into you, or he’s hiding something.....

The only time it’s understandable is if he’s gone NC with his family for good reason, but as he’s seeing his kids, it’s a concious decision on his part not to include you in his family

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