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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 year old was given alcohol by a 16 year old

36 replies

Gingerninj · 25/05/2018 22:41

Trying to be as vage as possible for this but honestly I'm a bit unsure of what to do and some advice could be helpful. A few days ago DD came home very upset, she'd gotten drunk, been sick and was terrified of what might happen from coming home late and drunk. I spoke to her the next day she told she was at the park with her friend, as i already knew (she's 12 and they're both in year 8) year 11 boy they knew from school was there, he had alcohol with him. Offered some to them and here we are in this mess. There's a couple reasons I'm posting this is on AIBU
1- AIBU to feel year 11 student to more to blaim than DD and her friend. Of course im not happy with DD, she knows better than that but the boy should have known better too. I am wondering why he was drinking in a park in the middle of the week and his GCSE's...
2- AIBU to have told the school? I'm aware they can't do much since this was outside of school and the year 11 leaves soon anyway. But I told a senior staff member and i guess the most they can do is tell the boy's parents.

OP posts:

MrsCD67 · 25/05/2018 22:43

I'd be absolutely furious.
Completely inappropriate for the 16 year old and who knows what his intentions were!!
I'd be angry at DD but more angry at the boy who should have known better than to give alcohol to younger kids.
You are being entirely reasonable as your DD is so young

UpstartCrow · 25/05/2018 22:47

I dont see how you could have handled this any differently.
As for your DD, she caved to peer pressure from an older child instead of walking home. Thats understandable, but will she do it again next time, or walk away? If she can't say 'no', then is she mature enough to be hanging around the park?

senioritabonita · 25/05/2018 22:48

I'd be absolutely furious. My DD is the same age. I'd not be allowing her out on her own for a month and would insist on a meeting with head of year and the boys parents. So sorry you are all going thru this, she's young and they learn from these stupid mistakes.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/05/2018 22:49

You were right to tell the school. The boy was stupid and hopefully his parents will be informed but i doubt it's uncommon for teenagers to be drinking in the park unfortunately and he is unlikely to have thought through his actions in any calculated way. I would be keeping her away from the park in the evenings now you know this sort of thing goes on.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2018 22:49

He offered. He shouldn't have.
She should have said no.
I wouldn't have involved the school.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/05/2018 22:50

would insist on a meeting with head of year and the boys parents

no school is going to organise such a meeting.

Amanduh · 25/05/2018 22:51

The school won’t do anything. You can’t meet the head of year and the boys parents for that!
Your daughter is as much to blame, doesn’t sound like he forced it on her! I’d be annoyed with the boy and he shouldn’t have offered her it but she shouldn’t have said yes.

tillytrotter1 · 25/05/2018 22:53

Why are you suggesting dragging the school into this, it happened out of school hours, off school premises? Schools don't exist to referee parental disputes about their children's poor judgement. Why not social services, the police if you can't deal with your children yourself.

Fruitcorner123 · 25/05/2018 22:56

Why are you suggesting dragging the school into this

Schools would want to know about incidents between their own students in case there are repercussions within school. They won't mediate between parents or meet to discuss it but they will log it and let form tutors know and probably let the parents of the boy know.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2018 23:01

This boy is likely on study leave. I doubt the school will care.
OP your daughter will face all kinds of pressure in life. To drink. To have sex. To conform to what others expect. Give her the strength to walk away and own her own choices. Don't blame others for her decisions.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 23:04

Amanduh

I’d want to know if my 16yo had given a young child alcohol!

Italiangreyhound · 25/05/2018 23:04

Schools do have some responsibility for what happens with their pupils outside school hours or off school premises. You were totally right to tell the school.

My dd is about that age and I would be really angry if an older pupil gave her alcohol.

You handled it well.

Amanduh · 25/05/2018 23:05

That’s nothing to do with the school though!

NualaCassia · 25/05/2018 23:05

The boy was wrong to offer the alcohol but your DD accepted and drunk enough that she was sick.

Your Dd is equally to blame and I wouldn't have involved the school.

I would work on teaching your DD to stand up for herself and not bow down to peer pressure because unfortunately she will face a lot of it in her life.

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2018 23:06

Anyone can offer alcohol.
OP's child can say no.

Ohyesiam · 25/05/2018 23:07

My oh is head of pastoral care at a comp and he spends a lot of time dealing with out of school incidents. You did right to take it to the school.

From what I remember of being a teen hanging out in parks is dull, and pretty much all you can do is get into trouble. Could you stop the whole park thing?

MaisyPops · 25/05/2018 23:09

You are totally right to be annoyed.

If you have called the school by way of 'this has happened and it concerns one of your pupils, just for your own information' then fair enough.
If you called the school expecting them to deal with out of school activities then that would be unreasonable.

Schools do have some responsibility for what happens with their pupils outside school hours or off school premises
Students opting to get drunk is not school's responsibility.

Lorrainethebitch · 01/06/2018 23:39

Hahahaha let her drink while it’s free, in a couple of years she’ll have to pay for her tequila sunrises like the rest of us buggers! Love my alcohol like I like my brexit #foreignersmakegooddrinks

TheOriginalEmu · 02/06/2018 04:40

She drank it, she is to blame. He is not ‘more’ to blame, no.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 02/06/2018 05:05

Humm i absolutely understand your anger. When i read the title i thought it was a family memeber and i was going to say don't make drink something to be secretive about because that leads to situations, actually like this. But no thos isn't ok, however i think talking to your daughter about the dangers of drinking in the park, drinking to excess and it being ok to say no, and meaning no, maybe partly the way to handle it at least with your daughter.

As for the 16 year old this is tough, if you don't know the parents then the school is posiably the best way, although i don't think they can do anything about this particalar incident. However, they may well do a generalised assembly about drink, the law,peer pressure. As the boy in question is on study leave and it happened out of school hours and off school grounds. they wont ve able to disapline him, but they they might be able to help something like this happening again for that reason i don't thibk you were that unreasonable for letting the school know. However if you want an outcone such as senior is suggesting then you are Unreasonable that wont happen.

As for what he was doing drinking in the park, is it not half term?
Also i suspect his parents would have a similar reaction to you, rhats why hes drinking secretly. Kids do drink in the park.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 02/06/2018 05:07

lorainethebitch were you drinking when you wrote yoyr reply if not are yoy feeling ok?

You think a 13 year old drinking to excess is ok? Weird

mathanxiety · 02/06/2018 05:21

The girls are both minors, one 12 and one 13. The boy is 16 or over. I would have called the school safeguarding officer.

Did anything else happen? What does your DD remember of the incident?

Amen to the poster who said that nothing good ever happens when teens hang out in parks and suggested you put the kibosh on that. Not as punishment for DD but as protection. You should find her something else to do with her time.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 06:42

School should definitely be aware of this. In the worst case scenario the boy is offering alcohol to young girls because he wants sexual activity with them - this could affect other girls.

But if your DD is incapable of refusing offers of alcohol, she is too young for park on a Friday night. That's exactly what is going to happen in the park.

sashh · 02/06/2018 06:52

The only thing I would say you may want to handle differently is 'not being happy' with dd.

Obviously I don't know what you mean by that, it could be sympathy or it could be not talking to her and grounding her for a year, and all points in between.

Teenagers do not think like adults, teenagers with a drink in them do not think like adults even more. Your dd needs to know that if she is ever drunk again, or if a friend is, or if a drink has been spiked etc etc that she can come home and it will be a safe place.

Teen logic is often, "shit I'm drunk, mum won't like it I better stay out until I'm sober, that park bench looks a nice place to sleep"

amy85 · 02/06/2018 06:58

How is he more to blame?!? He didn't force her to drink! Focus on teaching your daughter to say no than blaming this boy

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