Friend is other woman

[MrsChuckBass]

I found out by chance that my friend is seeing a man who is in a long term relationship and the girlfriend (gf) has no idea.
Background: friend is 20, MM is 20 gf is 19. Friend thinks this makes it excusable, MM and gf been together over 2 years and gf is under the impression they have a solid future together
I don't know MM and gf personally just from what friend has told me.
Friend tells me she doesn't care at all about what happens if gf finds out and doesn't feel bad for what she is doing as she think she is doing nothing wrong
AIBU to be absolutely disgusted and to tell her so? Or shall I keep my own counsel?
(I am not 20 I'm older and married with DCs so maybe have a different view post from friend)

They are just kids

No they aren’t.

They may be young but that doesn't excuse them having no morals. I have friends who were married at 18, 19, 20, A couple had children.

I may have done silly things when young but I was brought up well enough to know cheating is wrong. I could not stay friends with someone that thought it ok

There are those that are married, have children etc at 20 and younger and living that life happily and successfully and others that are travelling, away at uni, trying out different jobs and lifestyles, very much unsettled down. He isn’t a married man or live in partner, he’s behaving disrespectfully to an established girlfriend but it’s clear he isn’t on the same long term page as her, nor should he be necessarily be at that age.

He should have the decency to finish properly with one before starting with another but,as others have said, overlapping of relationships is not unusual at that age and stage in life. I have been the gf in that situation at that age and it hurt but it’s part of growing up, not a life changing event like a family being rent apart and I was the unwitting OW who told the boy to come back when he had sorted out an existing but fading relationship - we went on to have a LTR .

I would not finish being friends with someone in this situation but would councel caution and if they ignored it then be there to pick up the pieces, if any .

They may be young but that doesn't excuse them having no morals.

Well, yes, it does IMO. People learn from mistakes they make when they are young and relationships at that age are part of a learning process. Yes, a tiny minority of people at that age will form life long relationships but they are the exception rather than the rule. People who expect 17/18 year olds to enter into relationships and behave with the emotional maturity of adults are naive at best and intolerant and vindictive at worst.

It happened a lot in my friendship group at that age because teenagers are emotionally immature and they don’t realise having the conversation and ending the relationship will be less hurtful than two timing them in the hope the original girlfriend will get fed up and disappear or hoping that the situation will miraculously solve itself without any feelings being hurt or any hard conversations being had. It’s immaturity at that age rather than any genuine failing of moral character.

Almost every teen I know who did that at that age is now in grown up happy, functional relationship.

Actually the friends who used to get very worked up about this sort of thing and sit in judgement are the ones in less happy relationships or none at all because they’ve always had unrealistic expectations of partners and have never been prepared to accept that a partner is somebody you develop with rather than expecting perfection from day 1.

Just kids my ass. They know full well cheating is wrong at 20. I feel like 'he's just a kid' is a bit like the boys will be boys shite that's bandied around.
He knows it's wrong and so does she ..they're 20 not 12. You don't get a free pass to behave like an asshole, stupidity yes, but cheating is conscious choice to do something you know is wrong.

She is out of order. They are not kids.kids are 16 yr olds. I feel sorry for the gf here.
Your friend may get her karma one day and realise why what she did was so bad. Anyway i would remind her that if he sis leave his gf for her "u lose your man how u got him " ....im a big believer in it. I've seen it happen more than once in rl!

because they are young and apparently won't stay together! I've been with dh since I was 19. I'm now 52. Go figure.

Dancingtothebeat, sorry but being young is no excuse for no morals.

I am not naïve or vindictive. I know how I was at a young age and how my friends and family were too. When I was 18 I was going out with someone and met someone else. Finishing with the first boyfriend I found difficult and upsetting (he didn't want to end it) but I did it before I started going out with the other boy.

I may get upset about such things and judge but I can assure you it is not because I am in an unhappy relationship. I have been very happily married for almost 40 years. I just think cheating is totally wrong.

I think cheating is wrong and I don't do it myself, but I don't drop my friends when they do 'wrong' things (or I'd have had few friends over the past 35 years). I tell them they are stuffing up, he's likely a loser etc. But I wouldn't break a friendship over this, I'd just talk to my friend.

Boyfriend, girlfriend, two-timing - they're not married or committed in any way to each other. Sounds like they're just "going out" with each other. Boyfriend sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. Why would your friend, or his girlfriend for that matter, want to be with someone like that? That's the stance to take with her but at the end of the day it's her decision.

I can’t get worked up about it mydog. I’ve only ever been in this situation as a 19 yo who was the one who was cheated on. It wasn’t very nice but obviously he wasn’t the one for me and I got over it quickly and moved on with no hard feelings.

I think if people can’t see the difference between an immature young adult doing something stupid and someone who has sworn promises and had children and joined finances on the basis of those doing the same thing - well that’s their problem.

It’s really not a big deal and certainly not as big a deal as in the 70s when stigma around women’s reproductive behaviour made it essential.

You should tell her definitely! My ex dp had an affair with a woman who knew fully about me and our two kids, even discussed that she wanted to meet our kids.. didn’t care if I found out cause she was so bothered about her having him full time. I STILL to this day haven’t found out her name but I swore If I ever do I’d lay it down what a disrespectful disgusting low life she is for thinking that’s acceptable.. (and probably a lot worse) just as bad as him obviously.

But other side of it was my friend doing that I would tell her straight

Not all youngster are immature. Also one of my nieces met her now husband when they were both 18. They are now in their 30's. Another met her now husband when they were both 19. I also have a couple of friends who met their partners when they were young (one was only 15).

She's being an idiot - he's obviously no prize is he? I wouldn't interfere as she and this (very young) man seem to deserve each other, but then I wouldn't be friends with someone like her. GF will have a lucky escape when she finds out, and hopefully realise that 19 is a bit young to think he's 'the one'.