Friend is other woman

[MrsChuckBass]

I found out by chance that my friend is seeing a man who is in a long term relationship and the girlfriend (gf) has no idea.
Background: friend is 20, MM is 20 gf is 19. Friend thinks this makes it excusable, MM and gf been together over 2 years and gf is under the impression they have a solid future together
I don't know MM and gf personally just from what friend has told me.
Friend tells me she doesn't care at all about what happens if gf finds out and doesn't feel bad for what she is doing as she think she is doing nothing wrong
AIBU to be absolutely disgusted and to tell her so? Or shall I keep my own counsel?
(I am not 20 I'm older and married with DCs so maybe have a different view post from friend)

Oh, dear god! 'MM', he's a kid who has a girlfriend who's still a teenager. He's not married! I'd tell your friend she's being stupid, but hey, most people are at that age.

Yep.

One of the best friends I ever had did this. Her boyfriend left her and she started shagging her best friends husband.The best friend and her husband had 4 or 5 kids together.
Anyway my friend got pregnant to him and the wife made him take her for an abortion!
We fell out later but I never felt the same about her after that. If she would do that to someone she spent all her free time with shes not a great person really.

Max that's why I posted in aibu because I have different view of things than her because I'm older and married with children whereas she obviously isn't.
You're all correct the man/boy isn't married maybe I should have used LTRM?

Isn't it just called 'two timing' at that age? It's not right, obviously, but my god they are so young! They are still trying to work out the whole 'how to have a relationship that endures' thing.

He's a shit, she's a cow, but they might as well learn that these things are generally bad at this age, than at forty with kids in the mix.

I used to work in a call centre when I was in my forties with a lot of people in their twenties. We used to debate gossip about things like this all the time. The youngsters would be outraged at what your friend and her man are doing but I thought and think it is fine. They are only 19/20. They are not engaged or married or even living together and you don't mention any children so IMO they are all free agents and entitled to do what they want. Youth is the time for cutting loose, sewing wild oats etc.

When they eventually make a formal commitment to someone then I would advocate for total fidelity but at their age and in the situation you describe I wouldn't judge.

Exactly what expat said. They're bloody kids at the end of the day, finding their feet relationship wise. At 19 or 20 who has a clue what they want in a relationship, it really isn't the same as MM/OW situation at all.

Just use man, boyfriend, girlfriend. He's far from married.

I'd tell her she's being an idiot and really needs to see a GUM clinic.

I think I'd have to say something trying to choose between "why do you think so little of yourself that you would do this" and "how shit is he if he cheats on someones heart" and "I've seen this play out and rarely does this end well for any party, very likely someone is going to get hurt" "some people stay together at 20 and if they break up she might find it difficult to trust again" and "I've always said you should be able to expect back what you are prepared to give in a relationship, and you currently are prepared to accept cheating, lying, no commitment or loyalty"
I'm married and older but hated when I was friends with someone in a similar situation, and friend ended up being hurt more than the couple (which she probably would now accept to be a "just" outcome) and she never made mistake again. At the time I was much more "this is shit for you, I can see you hate this situation, I don't think you can ever be with him as he is a turd, don't close yourself off to meeting someone nice etc" but she was more hopeful at the time that eventually he would pick her over his DP.

Oh, dear god! 'MM', he's a kid who has a girlfriend who's still a teenager. He's not married! I'd tell your friend she's being stupid, but hey, most people are at that age.

This.

I was in your friend’s position more times than I care to remember at that age. It’s very different to the relationships we’re all having now with children and commitment involved.

At 20 she is still learning about herself, about boys men and will make some stupid decisions - those decisions will probably come back to bite her on the bum. It will make her cynical because she will always know how deceitful men can be, which is both a blessing and a curse. And yes, a relationship which started at 17/18 is unlikely to end in marriage and children so she’s probably not breaking up the love affair of the century.

However, I do feel sorry for the GF and don’t condone the actions of the other two. I just feel like at that age people don’t know themselves and it doesn’t say anything about their character as such. In my marriage I would never have cheated and neither would I in my LTR now in my 40s.

Wise words RideOn

Whilst she does not own anything to the gf (technically it is the bf who is in the wrong), to knowingly be the other woman is disgusting.

To be the OW your friend has no self-respect and is intentionally seeking to cause harm to another person (the innocent gf).

YADNBU.

I actually disagree with most posters here.

There are loads of people who've been married, had jobs, started businesses, had kids by the age of 19 or 20.

At this age they are NOT kids anymore, they're young adults, and they should know better.

They know it's not a nice or good thing to do but they're doing it anyway and it's shitty. If you did it when you were young, that was shitty of you too.

Cheating doesn't magically become unacceptable at a certain age.

I'm at all the pp saying he's a kid.

He is not a kid ffs! He's 20, a legal adult.

At 20, I was in a ltr, had 2DC, rented a house and held down a job. I was an adult with adult responsibilities, not a fucking child.

I don't believe his relationship will last OP. But that's down to him being a cheating bastard, nothing to do with age.

If they end up together, there will be a vacancy for an OW. He's already proved himself to be a cheater. She should have more self respect.

Yy Einstein.

I get that we all mature throughout our lives (and that some people have SNs which perhaps hold them back) but it's ridiculous to pretend that childhood now lasts until early 20s.

Yes Einstein! They're not children at all!! This is what she uses as her excuse, they are all young and because of this the relationship will not last!

Get better friends.

I would stay friends. I have quite a few friends who did exactly this type of thing in their 20's and whilst it's not desirable, I don't see myself as their moral arbiter, nor am I interested in policing other people's relationships who I don't know. Overlapping relationships, or having one boyfriend at uni and having a fling at home was quite normal although I never did it myself. I just don't care what other people get up to although I would point out how shitty the guy is and how he's not prioritising her.

I don't see myself as their moral arbiter

Well, They can do what they like but I could not be friends with someone who thought cheating was OK.

I guess I did similar in my early 20s. Why did I have so little self respect? I guess I had issues. I blindly loved him and believed him. I’m very sorted and responsible now. Thankfully my friends were there for me throughout and picked up the pieces after. If they had called me disgusting and turned their back I would have been in an even darker place.
So, depends if it’s a true friend or not. Good time to find out.

Well she's right it won't last OP. But again, it won't last because he's a cheat.

Yes many young relationships do fizzle out, but so do many other relationships, regardless of age. Equally, some relationships do last.

Myself and DH got together as teens and are now 17yrs in and still counting. But perhaps that's because DHs dick missed the consensus that it's excusable to shag around while young.

They are just kids as pp says. Shut her down if she mentions it. Tell her she’s daft and immature and it will fizzle out anyway.

Your friend is wrong and being and being very unreasonable. Also to other posters sometimes young people do stay in a relationship.
My daughter met her husband when she was 18. They are now both 30 and have been married for 9 years

I don’t think it’s particularly pleasant but I couldn’t get worked up about it.

If the relationships was one that started at 17/18 then it’s probably just run its course and your friend and the BF don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with it like adults and end the relationship.

If and when the gf finds out she will probably be hurt but will get over it with no long term damage.

They’ll probably all enjoy the drama of it then forget all about it.

At that age with no children/long term commitment/joint finances etc, etc it’s really not a big deal and almost to be expected.

I wouldn't be impressed, and would say so - but wouldn't lose a friend over it. I actually wouldn't describe it as an affair either. If the couple involved have no children, aren't married, aren't living together then they haven't really made any serious commitment to each other.

Yes, he's a cheat and your friend is an idiot, but I know plenty of people who had overlapping relationships at that age. They didn't all turn out to be serial cheats - most got burnt, learned their lesson and haven't done it again.