I fucking hate the black dog

[Di11y]

So DH's depression has reared its ugly head again and wrecked today's plans. My birthday.

I know I should suck it up, I've lived with it for a decade but it's the way it hides in the shadows and you think everything is going to be alright - not great but ok, and suddenly he gets this look in his eye, his shoulders sag and you just know you shouldn't have bothered planning where to go for lunch, and the lie in isn't going to happen because he doesn't have the power to get up and dressed and do today.

Then he sees my disappointment and he sags more. And now I've made him worse. And I'm tired. And I was looking forward to something nice. And I can rearrange but I didn't want to stamps puny foot

I know I'm being unreasonable. He tries god help him. But it still sucks.

I don't have direct experience of severe depression (although have suffered from mild MH issues in the past so have a slight inkling of how it can feel) but you have my sympathy 😕.

Is your DH being treated for his depression?

I don't know if you have seen this (similar to what you're referring to 'bad dog')
www.buzzfeed.com/kayeblegvad/dog-years?utm_term=.vhLemeozv8#.eemawaWPzg

It's very much relatable for me. As the person in the place of your DP, I can assure you he knows how much this hurts, and how much he would do ANYTHING to be 'normal' and do all the things you want to do as a couple. For me, that's worse than the actual depression, the impact, the upset, the stress, the sadness, the disappointment that you're causing your loved ones. It kills me every fucking day.

Please don't feel do hard on yourself, I can only imagine how difficult it can be. (I pray every day my DP doesn't fuck off) but do things that make you happy. If you can go out alone. Take yourself for a drink, a meal, to a gallery, cinema even just a coffee. Breathe, relax, unwind. Take a moment to forget it all. Take some time for you, it's so important.

Please don't feel TOO hard on yourself that should read!!!

Thanks, I feel stupid for thinking today could be different, special. He's medicated, upped after Easter which had been helping. Last week was 2 years since a car crash that he somehow walked away from but helped to screw his mental health, back on meds after being off them for 3 months, the first time in over 10 years.

I'm finding it hard to hide my disappointment even though objectively by the end of the day he'd achieved quite a lot - we even made it to pizza express. DD1 had been really looking forward to it. But my lovely guy may have been sat opposite me but he wasn't 'there'. And I felt guilty for dragging him along.

It's just the unpredictability. It really gets to me sometimes.

I'm used to having low expectations, my family are used to me turning up alone with the kids as he bails again. He tries. But the black fucking dog is stronger.

You aren’t being unreasonable. Treat yourself to somenthing, your feelings are just as valid as his.

I’m your husband in this living with a depressed person is bloody hard work and we know it, and it just makes us feel ever worse. You are absolutely allowed to vent, just like any other chronic illness it affects everyone around the sufferer as well. It’s very positive that he’s taking his meds and engaging with treatment ‘down days’ will happen but hopefully they will become few and far between. What’s his energy like on ‘good’ days?

It is really shit. There is no other word for it. I can't offer any words of advise as I'm on the other side really.

I can only imagine the frustration and disappointment of canceling plans but the line that got me was But my lovely guy may have been sat opposite me but he wasn't 'there' I can only imagine how that feels.

Is he getting any counselling? I imagine going through such a trauma like he did would bring up some massive issues. thoughts etc. It's not for everyone but CBT REALLY helped me. There are some online guides as to how it works if he thought it could help. Medication did nothing for me sadly.

Sorry, ignore me. DD2 has had me awake most mornings from 5.30 and DH can't help with night waking s much or it affects him some other time.

Just need some sleep. Night.

It’s a fucking lonely place.
People often say it’s a very lonely place, for all involved and that’s very true.
And it’s a very selfish illness, through not fault of the person suffering from it. But it is.
My heart goes out to you. No one really understands how hard and lonely it is for the person who is a partner to someone who is suffering.
Sending you
There is no easy answer to any of it.

OP, we are here for you if you need it.
Sleep well and try and get rest when you can xx

He's had CBT in the past and normal counselling as well as specialist for the car crash. Open to more but doesn't think there's anything that needs exploring.

I think it's just been a shit week at work for him, shit week with anniversary, dd2 waking at stupid o clock (dropped night feed and replaced with early morning winge, can't ignore or wakes DD1).

Yeah limited energy, no actual willing get up and go. I plan everything, carry the mental load for everything and he does what he can. He doesn't mean to be lazy, the intention is there.

Some days I get a glimmer of the man I married. I hate it's not more.

Appreciate the messages but pretty sure DH pretending to sleep and wondering where I am. Really truly heading to bed now. Feeling s bit brighter and I'm sure I'll pull myself together tomorrow. Thanks all.

I spent years wanting the old person back. I feel your pain.
I have heard that a lot of people have been successful with EDMR for PTSD? Is that an option for him?
I would say, at least he is trying and not burying his head in the sand. That’s a major positive x

You have my utmost sympathy Di. My DH suffers only very mildly but man alive it's hard work. Nothing to add but and a listening ear if it helps.

I suffered with clinical depression for a long time and now in remission. Drugs helped and psychiatric help helped in the end.

@BdR2018

I just wanted to send you birthday flowers

Hugs @Di11y and happy birthday ❤️

My heart goes out to you. My DH has depression and I know how difficult it is for him and for me. He is getting treatment, but there’s little help for partners. I find it difficult at times to separate the illness from the profound personality changes it brings and can frequently feel resentful at how his mood dictates what we do, say and plan. I do know he feels anguish at the distress it brings us both. Like you, I have had “special” occasions completely derailed by his moods. You must take care of yourself and spend time with friends who can bring some joy and light to your situation. I know I have grown closer to my wonderful girl friends lately, and gain strength from them. That is what is giving me the resolve to support DH and keep the show on the road for the whole family.

I have clinical depression. My family and I have lived with this for three years. I can't help how I am feeling but my husband knows not to take it personally . Enjoy if you can. When he emerges he will shameful( asI do 😊)

Happy Birthday 🍹💐

I’m sorry, it must be so incredibly difficult and lonely at times. No one could blame you for struggling & wishing to have your old DH back.

OP. Lots of people don't realise how hard depression is on a partner.

I understand where you are.
My exH became depressed after his father died.He was suicidal but got to the doctor in time.
DD was a toddler at the timeand I had to take time off work to help him through.He initially did well but decided to stop medication about 6months in.
I stayed for another 12 years supporting him,trying to protect our DD and working full time to financially support us.Mostly I stayed because he threatened to harm himself whenever a problem arose.Eventally my DDS mental health suffered and I got us out.
I'm sorry you are going through this,as others have said it is a lonely place to be.The one person you would have shared with is the one person you can't.And it is a selfish illness because you can't have a down/fed up day because you have the children to protect from the fallout.It is exhausting.
Hope you find a way through OP.