I fucking hate the black dog

[Di11y]

So DH's depression has reared its ugly head again and wrecked today's plans. My birthday.

I know I should suck it up, I've lived with it for a decade but it's the way it hides in the shadows and you think everything is going to be alright - not great but ok, and suddenly he gets this look in his eye, his shoulders sag and you just know you shouldn't have bothered planning where to go for lunch, and the lie in isn't going to happen because he doesn't have the power to get up and dressed and do today.

Then he sees my disappointment and he sags more. And now I've made him worse. And I'm tired. And I was looking forward to something nice. And I can rearrange but I didn't want to stamps puny foot

I know I'm being unreasonable. He tries god help him. But it still sucks.

Has he been seen by a psychiatrist, or just the GP? And how many different antidepressants has he tried so far?
If he’s not responded to medication, then a course of ECT might be helpful. It has a success rate of over 80% for first time use. He might still relapse months or years later, but in the meantime you get your normal happy partner back. Repeat courses can be given if necessary.
I’ve seen many patients improve dramatically with it over the past 36 years (I’m a retired anaesthetist, used to do a regular session anaesthetising for ECT every week at our local psych unit).
Don’t despair, OP, until all possible treatment options have been properly tried.

Is he on and off meds?
I'm on them forever. Definitely a good choice for me at any rate, on and off was a real roller coaster and then I had to keep dealing with side effects....blah. Just easier to stay on and adjust dose sometimes.

Sorry I've not read all the comments but have you looked up depression fallout ? My husband suffers and there's nothing worse than knowing you've made them feel worse, we have both learnt a lot from looking in to the fallout syndrome,when my husband was first depressed I actually thought he was having an affair he's the most faithful guy but had totally changed his personality & shut me out, I made everything much worse but it did help him seeing in black & white how his behaviour made me feel,lots of love to you & hope you can find some middle ground xxx

Thanks for all your comments everyone, even BdR2018 which got me immediately defensive and showed me how little some understand the unpredictable nature of depression. It's precisely because he had a day off work that this happened. He pushes through to his detriment at work because he's already triggered their sickness policy with time off (not just mh).

To answer some questions, he had slowly been weaning off the meds until 3 months before the crash, and that's his GP plan in the long term.

He was seen by a psych after the crash but think just for analysis not treatment.

Yesterday was hopefully a blip, I'll look into treatment options. Am I right in not expecting him to be 'normal' on a normal day even on meds? I.e tired and lethargic, up and down etc?

Thanks for all the birthday wishes.

I understand where bdr2018 is coming from it does sound a bit manipulative

I'm depressed been on meds a long time my partner is supportive but if I feel I'm dragging him down I would rather he moved on and get the life he deserves instead of being involved in my car crash of an existence

I have a friend who suffers, I see him daily. Five weeks up, 4 weeks down. When he's down its horrible for him & his friends he's a completely different person & there's nothing any of us can do. It's so frustrating
Being round him for a few hours is pretty tough so I can't imagine living with someone full time with it.
You have my sympathies

Happy birthday OP!
Hope things look up for you guys

One of the hardest things I had to deal with is that life had changed fundamentally forever. Because even if someone gets over it, it’s always there in the back of your mind. And the process it has put you through has changed you.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing, the only thing we can be certain of in life is that everything changes.
I found getting a therapist just for myself was very helpful. Because it’s lonely dealing with it on your own, and you can’t offload onto your partner.
I would suggest that you do that, just to have someone reliable to talk to every week about your feeling and your frustrations.
X

I understand both of your viewpoints. I know it's your birthday and you're disappointed but it's not his fault. I suffer from this and the sheer and utter guilt and the churning depression in the pit of your stomach, especially when you know you've let someone down and they're telling you to pull yourself together but you just can't. It's soul crushing.

I post this all the time on here but it's fitting for the thread:

@Di11y Ah lovely.

Happy birthday for yesterday. I live with someone with MH issues and that black dog is a fucker!
In my case, it's my daughter but I know instantly when that bastard dog has reared its ugly head and it's soul crushing for her and me. I can't sleep, eat or function properly when I know she's suffering. A day/s can be ruined by that dog.
We put in place some coping mechanisms but I doubt they'd be of use to you and DH; they're more child centric. Maybe you and DH can come up with some new strategies to see if they help. I'm being vague as I don't know what you've both put in place already.
My daughter and I have a bank of codewords and some of those words have a set of actions to follow. If she says black dog or code red to me, I have to drop everything and sit on the "naughty" step with her. Our doctor used the term naughty step as a joke but it made my dd and I laugh so we went with it! While on the naughty step, I am completely hers. She can cuddle, cry, talk, not talk, get me to talk to her.... whatever goes.
We have other things in place. Not great a example for you, but maybe get that conversation going.

You have my complete sympathy and a 100% "you are not being unreasonable" from me!

This is a truly heartbreaking post. 😔

For those who think it's deliberate have a long look at who you are and judge yourself as harshly as I am.

Huge sympathies OP. I have depression, and unfortunately you can guarantee it affects big things like birthdays and going out for dinner, because the anxiety at having to deal with otherwise perfectly normal, pleasurable things can be overwhelming, as is the fear of letting people down and wishing you were different.

As for treatment, maybe look for some support for yourself as well - it's exhausting living with someone like me, and you deserve the option to have a day or an hour of feeling sorry for yourself too!

Has he has CBT since the crash? Sounds like he may benefit from a new course of "something". Can he self refer for talking therapy in your area? Could you afford for him to go private to see a psychologist for a few sessions? Just one session was life changing for me.

And happy birthday!!

BdR2018 Your post disgusts me.

Silver I have taken a good hard look at myself I still think it's not 100% coincidence he has had all this help and he is still like this?

I'm in the same boat, although things are a little better her at the moment, we have had 7 very bad years, with 10 not particularly good ones before that....I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but it is because of him (or the depression really) that there are so many things we haven't done, parties and nights out we've bailed on, that we don't get invited to much any more.

You need someone to talk to yourself, whether it's venting on here, a friend/family member or a professional - it's said that depression is 'contagious' in that living with a depressed person can make you depressed too.

OMG I have found some people who know about this.

NC obv.

My DP is a nightmare at the moment. We are just back from a break in Italy in a lovely hotel and all that jazz.

He would not go anywhere with me, so I shrugged and off I went on my own. He was quite cruel verbally and did nothing at all to ease his temper. I was quite concerned. He is on meds Escitalopram 20. Everything was on a timetable otherwise and if I wasn't ready to go where HE wanted to go, off he went by himself in a strop.

However, he is deluded when going away, thinks the change of air and the sun mean he doesn't need the meds, and Bingo! Down comes the Black Dog.

Sorry for you OP, I know what it is like. It is a fkn nightmare. I really do not know how to deal with this anymore. So bad is the effect it is having on my own mental health that I am considering separating now.

Very sad to do that, but I have to look after myself now. This has been going on for ten + years, and I feel despite all my support it is never enough and he will go into himself and rail against me and everything around him no matter what.

Sorry, good to get that off my chest. As we speak he is in bed watching the Champions League. But I peeped in earlier and he was fast asleep. He will now be awake at two or three in the morning and will be in bits tomorrow.

I don't know what to do anymore, and am in tears here right now.

Best of luck to all of you dealing with this.