To give my child a name I know FIL will hate?

[Babysharkdododo]

NC for this as potentially quite outing.

DH has a very small family. Him, his mum and dad and his uncle (mum's brother). No grandparents, siblings, cousins. There are some great aunts and second cousins he doesn't know, that's it.

FIL doesn't like the uncle. At all. As he has no other close relatives, the uncle stays with MIL and FIL for family type occasions (at MIL's invitation), like Christmas and Easter. FIL doesn't really speak to the uncle and complains about him behind his back the whole time. There's no obvious reason for FIL's dislike other than that he's a bit of a curmudgeonly old goat at times, and he perhaps feels that the uncle is taking the piss by visiting all the time and not really giving anything back in terms of hospitality (the uncle has all their food and drink and doesn't contribute or buy them a meal ever). But we don't know the uncle's financial situation and I suspect he doesn't have much spare cash.

MIL and DH both like the uncle, I've got nothing against him, he seems harmless and good-natured.

So... are DH and I bring unreasonable to name our baby DS after the uncle? It would be a middle name, not first name. The middle name works perfectly with our chosen first name and surname, and we have a family tradition of giving a middle name from someone in an older generation. FIL will totally hate it though!

FIL will have to get over himself, then. You're going to use it as a middle name, it's not as though it'll be used on a daily basis anyway.

Your child , your choice. We gave our DD a quite unusual name, my DM said she didn't like it and that we should reconsider. I replied that I had had no say it what she called her dd(me), so why should I consult her in what I named mine!

Middle names don’t count for anything! My eldest has a middle name I don’t particularly like, to honour her paternal grandmother.
She’ll only hear it on her wedding day, - if she chooses to marry.

Don’t make a thing of it being uncle’s name, it’s just a name you like with the other names.

It seems a bit odd to name your child after someone you call 'harmless' and about whom you say 'I've got nothing against him' if it's actually going to upset your DH's father. Why do you want to do it?

Do what you want and ignore FIL. It’s none of his businsss and he’ll have to get over it.

However, if the best you can say about the uncle is that you have nothing against him and that he seems harmless it doesn’t sound like you’re especially close. So I think it’s a bit weird to be naming the baby after him just for the sake of a family tradition. If you love the name though and you’d be using it regardless of the uncle then ignore all of that. And regardless, FIL doesn’t get a say.

Are you actually naming the baby after the Uncle (you say there is a tradition so it sounds that way), rather than happening to give the baby the same name? Either way I think m it’s a bit off to potentially upse to FIL by paying homage to the Uncle, who you do t have any strong feelings about

Unless uncle is the only person ever to have this name, it's not specifically 'naming the child after the uncle' - is it?

I actually think it would be hurtful thing to do to fil and so unnecessary to cause upset over a middle name.

I think it means a lot to have a child named after you. I’d be a bit upset if my DC chose to name GDC after a relative that they didn’t really think highly of. It seems odd to choose a name that you know will upset FIL, particularly if you don’t have a close relationship to the uncle.

It’s a different matter if you loved the name on its own merits and could explain that to FIL - but to choose an older family member name to follow tradition and intentionally not have FILs name does seem mean.

You're OP makes it sound a bit like you're using the name partly to piss off FIL. If you like the name use it. It's nothing to do with anyone else.

To the OP who said middle names don't count for anything, that's not true. One of my DDs goes by her middle name and no one she knows would have any idea what her first name is.

Plenty of people use their middle names.

I suppose it depends how much your heart is set on the name and /or you want to honour the Uncle. Are either enough to outweigh the hurt and annoyance that you think you are going to cause. Your FiL may be being unreasonable but is worth spoiling the first few days of being a parent? Can you husband check it with him first?

I really do like the name on its own merits. And yes, I don't have a close relationship at all with the uncle, but DH and MIL (who I respect a lot) both have a lot of love and affection for him and would love it if our DS was named after him.

We have the same tradition and middle names are usually grandparents or god parents. My DC middle names are my FIL and DF names. My DD has the GM in hers. Why cant you use the FIL name? It sounds like you are choosing the name as it goes with the first name and not due to any 'tradition'

If it's a family tradition to choose a name from someone in the family then you are naming your son after the uncle rather than just coincidentally picking the name.

I think it would be hurtful to your husband's dad. The uncle doesn't sound that "good natured" if he takes the piss, turning up and staying for days and not contributing anything. Even if you're poor you can buy some biscuits or a token gesture.

I vote No choose a similar sounding name? Can you tell us the name?

It's none of his business.

It seems a pretty divisive choice-why would you use a name you k ew was going to cause ill feeling, however well hidden?
We stopped using a particular shortening of our ds's name because we discovered it really upset fil for reasons we hadn't considered in advance. A bit of a shame because we loved the shortening. But not worth upsetting somebody over.

In that case definitely use it.

And presuming it’s something fairly classic like Christopher then for an easy life you could just not tell FIL it’s anything to do with the uncle. If he questions it then just say we love the name and it suits DS. And then change the subject.

Is it to wind FIL up? Surely there's another name out there, if you're not choosing it because of the uncle.

Why not find out the reason behind your fil not speaking to the uncle? There must be a reason. That must be a tense atmosphere when he visits what with the silent treatment.

It is your choice, but could this decision have undesireable consequences on the relationship between grandfather and grandchild?

but DH and MIL (who I respect a lot) both have a lot of love and affection for him and would love it if our DS was named after him

are you really sure? I wouldn't choose a name for my child that I knew would hurt my dad and I wouldn't be happy if my DC chose a name that would hurt DH.

Is this your first DS? If you already have a DS with FIL’s name as a middle name, then fine.
I’m guessing you don’t like your FIL.
Be prepared to cop some shit from him, but ultimately it’s your child, your choice

Yes of course it's your choice. The choice is whether to be kind or not.

I wouldn’t do that however much I liked the name. Having a child named after you is an honour. Even if FIL and the uncle did get on it would still be a slap in the face for FIL, in these circumstances it’s even more so. Can’t you give the baby your DH’s name, FIL’s name or maybe a name from your side instead? Try to think about how you would feel if your DS did this to you when he grows up.

We do already have a DS with FIL's name as a middle name, yes