I'm v low contact with my mother, but should I send this message for Repeal the 8th?

[Precariousforever]

My mother and I have a difficult relationship. We are Irish and she had me as a teenager in the eighties, not a great time for unmarried mothers in general. Her own mother brought me up, with whom I had a great relationship with.

We have not spoken for six months bar a few text messages. There was bad feeling but no argument or row, but I feel very hurt and I guess she does too. Neither of us have phoned the other. I just don't feel like it would be welcomed from me. I have felt rejected by her quite a few times along the way, and at other times we've had so much warmth and closeness. It's difficult because of how family dynamics played out. I'm not sure she thinks much of me as a person. Sometimes I feel she's deeply angry she got a dud daughter after all that sacrifice.

Tomorrow is a very important day in Ireland, we're voting to Repeal the 8th. I hope it gets through. It's making me strangely more emotional about the shit with my own mother, and I want to text ad say, look I know we aren't really in contact but I do love you and thank you for not making that journey to England when you were pregnant with me as I know it was very difficult for you, and I love you.

Do I sound mental?

Or more realistically, do I sound like I'm begging for love? I don't want to do that, I just want to let her know I am aware of how hard it was for her, and I do love her, even if I've not picked up the phone as I'm not sure she wants to hear from me. But, I think a text is less intrusive, as we've sent a couple of those.

Any thoughts?

Hi mum, thank you for not aborting me? What a bizarre thing to text.
No, I don’t think you should send that. If you are thinking of your mother at this time, there are many other things you could say apart from that.

can you not just send her a message saying you miss her and live herv(you clearly do ) you can talk about her not going to England perhaps when you are closer?

love her *

That’s uncalled for, Nottheduchessofcambridge. Have you even RTFT?

OP, it seems to me that your care for yourself should be at the heart of your actions and that, in that spirit, you should be very careful of making yourself vulnerable to further hurt by your mother. However difficult her situation, some of her actions have hurt you and I do fear you are longing and hoping for a connection she may not want or be able to give.

"Hi mum, thank you for not aborting me? What a bizarre thing to text."

Except that wasn't quite what I proposed, was it Nottheduchessofcambridge ? You are paraphrasing and completely ignoring the context. Which is a vulnerable teenage girl making the incredibly difficult choice to have a baby in a devoutly Catholic Irish town many years ago.

We don't have a fluffy, cuddly, maternal mother-daughter relationship.

We don't have a stiff upper lip manner of relating where things are not talked about.

What we do have, one of the strengths of the relationship, is an ability to talk frankly about a lot of things. Of course some things are off the table, not to be discussed - but her actual pregnancy and circumstances around that were not one of them. For example, when I was a young teen myself, I was worried in case she had been raped, and I was able to ask her about that (she wasn't, she was simply naive like a lot of others and assumed no pregnancy would happen the first time having sex) and we had a frank discussion.

I'm aware I've caused her great turmoil and pain. I keep saying this, I feel I have to, somewhere. I have to hold my hands up and acknowledge the pain and disruption I've caused, here is a safe place to do so.

I don't think anyone can achieve a relationship that has real emotional closeness unless you make yourself vulnerable to the other person, I think you should send her the text and be prepared to deal with whatever her reaction will be, no one really knows how a thing like this will pan out but if you don't have hope then your lost altogether. Good luck OP I hope it works out for you and her.

Nottheduchessofcambridge has a point, although it could have been expressed better

What you wrote in the original post could be interpreted that way.

^Which is a vulnerable teenage girl making the incredibly difficult choice to have a baby in a devoutly Catholic Irish town many years ago. ^

This is a far better way of phrasing it, there is no misinterpretation there, you’re thankful, you should send this.

Ok well I am sorry if it seemed sarcastic or insincere in my original posting.

One of the things my mother has said she does value about me is my honesty and integrity, so I suppose I was not worried that she would take it as sarcasm or as a peculiar passive aggressive jibe.

Oh lovely lady, you can acknowledge that your mother has had a difficult life and that you feel sad because of it but please, please, please do not shoulder the guilt. That emotion does not bring healing. Recognise the feelings that you have, face them, name them and let them go and fill the space they leave with love. You cannot force your mother to do the same but by telling her you love her, you might be able to help her on her way but it will, without doubt, help you.

wrong thread...

You sound really lovely but the only thing I would say is look after yourself too. What's the cost to you if she reacts badly or ignores it? Do you want to re-open the wounds? Is it worth the risk of upset for you? Are you hoping for a reaction that is a bit of a fairy-tale? Is she really capable of reacting as you would like her to?

Sorry - lots of questions. I just wanted to get you thinking about the impact on you. I've recently had to go through this with my Mum who I'm now not in contact with...I've learnt that she doesn't have the capacity to think or feel as I've always hoped she would. And I've always ended up hurt. It's easy to get emotional at times and romanticise the an idyllic response that shows a deeper level of understanding and/or acceptance. Just remember that your feelings are as valid as hers and hers to not supersede your own...it's hard to remember that sometimes after a lifetime of conditioning.