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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm v low contact with my mother, but should I send this message for Repeal the 8th?

63 replies

Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 17:10

My mother and I have a difficult relationship. We are Irish and she had me as a teenager in the eighties, not a great time for unmarried mothers in general. Her own mother brought me up, with whom I had a great relationship with.

We have not spoken for six months bar a few text messages. There was bad feeling but no argument or row, but I feel very hurt and I guess she does too. Neither of us have phoned the other. I just don't feel like it would be welcomed from me. I have felt rejected by her quite a few times along the way, and at other times we've had so much warmth and closeness. It's difficult because of how family dynamics played out. I'm not sure she thinks much of me as a person. Sometimes I feel she's deeply angry she got a dud daughter after all that sacrifice.

Tomorrow is a very important day in Ireland, we're voting to Repeal the 8th. I hope it gets through. It's making me strangely more emotional about the shit with my own mother, and I want to text ad say, look I know we aren't really in contact but I do love you and thank you for not making that journey to England when you were pregnant with me as I know it was very difficult for you, and I love you.

Do I sound mental?

Or more realistically, do I sound like I'm begging for love? I don't want to do that, I just want to let her know I am aware of how hard it was for her, and I do love her, even if I've not picked up the phone as I'm not sure she wants to hear from me. But, I think a text is less intrusive, as we've sent a couple of those.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 24/05/2018 18:38

@SleepingStandingUp

If you can bear to read these traumatic stories... www.facebook.com/RepealTheEighth/

This vote is about giving women the rights to make choices about their own bodies in a country where women's rights particularly around reproduction have been grossly abused.

Not for the faint hearted. www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11403155/Irish-symphysiotomy-scandal-Doctor-used-a-hacksaw-during-labour.html

@MiggeldyHiggins Your assumption does rather jump to conclusions, somewhat unfairly on the OP, IMO. I think many many Irish women have been hugely affected by this debate and it has raised a lot of deeply and not so deeply buried pain. We should all act with compassion, currently missing from our legislation.

Original poster
Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 21:01

I said in my OP I hope the vote gets through. There is no doubt in my mind I want it to get through. All the women in my family are in favour of women's rights, to choice, to autonomy over our own bodies. The older generation religious men of the family were a different story but that's in the past so they have no influence now. I know my mother and she knows me - we're both for Yes.

I am lucky enough to never have had an abortion myself, but I am 100% hoping Yes wins tomorrow.

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 24/05/2018 21:05

Send it minus the journey to England part. If my children ever said that to me I’d be very hurt.

I hope the referendum brings you the right outcome tomorrow.

Original poster
Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 21:09

I am very appreciative of my own life, but can still recognise that it was very tough only mother, and that we need abortion in Ireland as each woman needs the right to choose what is right for her.

I've been reflecting on my way home. I don't think she would take anything sarcastically, and she's not the type to say fuck off to me either. However, I just feel very unsure that something from me might upset her and that's absolutely not my intention at all. Part of me thinks she would appreciate it though. When we've been close we've been very frank and honest with each other in our relationship, especially about things like this. But we have never had such a long time not speaking, and I wonder if she prefers this and is much happier without me, and would resent me contacting her now, and feel upset or annoyed.

OP posts:
BuntyII · 24/05/2018 21:10

I'd leave it a week and see how you feel.

siwel123 · 24/05/2018 21:12

Don't mention the abortion. Rest of message ok.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/05/2018 21:15

I think your message is beautiful and that you should send it as is. 💐

Original poster
Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 21:16

To the couple of you pointing out that she may have actually wanted an abortion and had no access - do you not think in over thirty years I've not wondered that myself?

She says she didn't. Of course she might have been trying not to hurt me, who knows. But of course I did wonder.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 24/05/2018 21:16

There really is no need to relate this to the abortion debate. I think it's a little crass to be honest.

howfaralong · 24/05/2018 21:18

That huge and important vote is about her and all other women.

What a shitty comment.

It's a very emotional time for many many women in Ireland and I think OP you should send your message if you want. It's from the heart.

I'm sorry you have a poor relationship with your mum x

Original poster
Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 21:22

Crass how?

It's very present in my mind that I changed the course of her life, due to her being a teen in a very conservative Ireland. Like I keep saying, I'm very grateful for my life, but I recognise the best thing for my teenage mother would have probably been to have an abortion and counselling. Not to have motherhood forced upon her. If the social climate in Ireland had been different, she would have been free to make an informed choice for herself.

Anyway you might well find my life and history crass but happily this is an anonymous forum where I'm teasing out some hard thoughts and feelings.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 24/05/2018 21:29

You sound thoughtful and well meaning OP. If you feel like saying it, say it. She's your mother, you should be able to.

rideacockhorse · 24/05/2018 21:36

Just text her now

Love you x

ForgivenessIsDivine · 24/05/2018 22:15

Send the text, tell her that you love her. She will be hurting through this time anyway, I think it is a really painful time for lots of people. If the text hurts now, I think it will bring her comfort at some point. Sending love can only do good in the long term.

NotLinkedIn · 24/05/2018 22:18

I would try and open up a dialogue based on real feelings but I would LEAVE it a while and don't connect it to the referendum

Original poster
Precariousforever · 24/05/2018 22:22

I've decided - I think - I do want to say something, but something sensitive and that can leave no doubt that it's loving. It feels too important. 75% of me believes she will appreciate it.

There's a quarter of me that is afraid, but I have to think on all the good parts of our relationship, on all that I know of who she is. I think that the person she is would appreciate something. Almost as if I'm saying, look I know our relationship is difficult but the daughter you had loves you, you are loved.

I do love her. I don't know how she feels about me. If it was any other relationship at all...I would not be contacting the person, I'd be a saddo stalker if I did because it would be clear it was a painful personality clash. But she's my mother, and I love her.

She has not had an easy life. She's had a lot of pain and disappointment.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 24/05/2018 22:27

Your mother is lucky to have a daughter like you. Best wishes.

AuntyElle · 24/05/2018 22:30

OP, I think it’s lovely that you are acknowledging how difficult things were for her, and that you love her.

inisfree · 24/05/2018 22:38

I'm Irish and voting tomorrow and I am your Mum's age, so I understand some of the dynamics. I think that is a beautiful heartfelt message and I think given the important vote we have tomorrow it is a very opportune time to send it.

Littleredboat · 24/05/2018 22:45

I think you’re emotional and not thinking rationally and you’re conflating two very separate issues.

First you need to sit and think rationally about your current relationship with your mother, what you’d like it to be and how you might address that.

The abortion vote is an entirely separate issue to that and I think there’s a danger you’ll mess up the first thing by lumping it in with the second.

NotLinkedIn · 24/05/2018 22:49

I agree you're feeling emotional.

I think you should WAIT.

Separate the issues.

I am a single parent to two children and I've experience poverty and social isolation and lack of opportunity, however, what I rail against is society and its injustices. I had my children but when I think about how my life should have been easier, my focus is geared towards the changes that need to be made to society so that the costs of parenthood are borne equally by men and women. Perhaps your mother feels like this too.

Original poster
Precariousforever · 25/05/2018 00:43

I know I'm feeling emotional, and nervous - nervous of sending a text to my mother AND nervous in case Yes doesn't win tomorrow. I feel powerless really but all we can do is hope.

I'm not sure I have the right words to convey what my heart feels. I love her, and thinking of the closeness we have had, I want her to know she is loved. Especially if she is feeling emotional with tomorrow, as well.

But I don't want to send a text to make myself feel better, if it makes her feel shit somehow. I still have that quarter of me believing she doesn't want to hear from me.

Having a cry. I wish things were not like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Precariousforever · 25/05/2018 00:49

NotLinkedIn, I'm not sure what you mean sorry? How she feels about what? I know my mother would agree strongly that changes need to be made to society as you say. But I also know she agrees with a woman's right to choose abortion if she wants. And I also know she said she never wanted an abortion with me, but it was very tough. It was hard for the whole family. Negative things happened because I was born Sad which I feel devastated about sometimes.

However - good things also happened because I was born! So it's not for me to regret or hold on to guilt about.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/05/2018 06:51

It is not for you to regret or hold on to guilt about!!!! ABSOLUTELY.

LOVE HEALS. SEND LOVE.

InfiniteSheldon · 25/05/2018 07:00

I think you should send it follow your instincts