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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me or is this odd?

63 replies

Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 13:21

Hello.
I'm new to this but something has been bugging me and I thought I'd sound it out on here.

A couple of years ago two friends came to stay with us, bringing two more friends (theirs) with them.

Initially we all had a lovely time, but on the last night the male half of our friends had a bit too much to drink. It wasn't a problem and we all went to bed.
However, the next morning the female half appeared and said he'd been sick in the night. He had. He'd been sick all over the bed, the duvet, the mattress, the floor, the bedside table. And was refusing to get out so we could clean it.
After much effort we got him up and cleaned what we could. We took the mattress down the garden, washed stuff, etc. He then returned to the bed and lay on the slats. Where he stayed ALL day. She went off with their friends for a lovely day out. We surrendered our mattress that evening and slept on the floor. He watched us carry it from one room to the other and didn't move a muscle.
They left the next day. He never said a word. Not a word. She apologised, offered to pay for the mattress (we refused) and off they all went.
Later that day I got a text asking me to give him someone's details so they could provide him with a reference. I didn't.
We never heard another word. We half expected a card, a bunch of flowers, a cheque, but nothing.
We then discovered that he had deleted us from all his social media, eradicated any trace of us and removed all the photos he'd posted on various sites. He's very into 'looking exciting'.

His wife contacted us the other day as though nothing had happened. She gave us a quick update on their lives.

I was completely taken aback, but then started wondering: was it okay for me to feel aggrieved and want nothing to do with them? Or should we have forgiven and forgotten?

PS Their friends have stayed in close contact with us...

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 24/05/2018 14:30

Wait a minute, he threw up all over the bedroom including the mattress and yet you leant him your own? You’re a mug for doing that. You then refused money to replace said mattress? Again that was stupid. You can’t then expect money lol Why didn’t you speak to him at all? I’m baffled. Him having too much to drink and maybe not being fit to clean I can kind of get, I would have left it for him to do though. I’m not good with vomit so I don’t know what I would have done. If she is ok I don’t see why you should ignore her just because of her twat of a husband, him removing you off social media is odd but why couldn’t you give him a reference?

Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 14:37

It was the penultimate night. My apologies.
We tried to engage with him all day. He turned his back to us.
We didn't want to leave him alone in our house. Plus we were cleaning the mattress.
We surrendered our mattress for his wife's sake. She had spent the previous night on the floor.

Thanks though. I feel more secure on my moral high ground!

OP posts:
Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 14:40

I wasn't the one to give a reference. He wanted someone else's personal details because they hadn't responded to him in their professional capacity. I wouldn't have given them any way... not for meanness but because I never give out other people's details.

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 24/05/2018 14:42

BestestBrownies has a valid point. You don't need to have contact with him, she did try to make amends and hasn't actually done anything wrong. Even if she sent flowers, it would be from her and not him who is the one that should have sent them with an apology.

eddielizzard · 24/05/2018 14:43

i'd either ignore her message or meet up with her in the hope she's dumped the twerp. wow. as for asking for personal details for someone when they've ignored the request in a professional capacity tells you all you need to know.

bonnyshide · 24/05/2018 14:43

Appalling behaviour. Definitely don't reconcile with them, block them both on everything.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 24/05/2018 14:46

Yorkskaty Oh I see. I wouldn’t have given him the deatils either.

I’d probably still talk to his wife but not him. Turning his back on you after what he done was so rude. I still wouldn’t have given the mattress up though. She could have slept on a sofa or something I’m sure. I would have left him on the slats for being so rude.

RhuBarbarella · 24/05/2018 14:48

There's no way you have to let these people back into your life. I understand you want to be nice to the wife but he is a total dickhead. I would have chucked them out, sorry to the wife but no way I could bear to have the guy in my house. But I am not as nice as you obviously are. You have been a saint compared to them. Don't let them take so much advantage of you again, it is just not okay what they did.

GunpowderAndLead · 24/05/2018 14:50

They are both CFs - tell her that

dany174 · 24/05/2018 14:50

So... if I understand it right.

-He got so drunk he was ill in the night, and so ill he was willing to sleep in his own vomit. Then still felt so bad he slept on the bed slates all day.

-Did they realise you would be sleeping on the floor if you gave them your mattress? Or did you just give it to them and only later did they realise how much it was putting you out. It sound strange that they would let you sleep on the floor.

-She apologised, she offered money for the bed, you said no, but your upset they did not send flowers.

  • They did not want a reference from you buy the contact details from someone else whom was willing to give him a reference. And you refused to give them the details.

Did he behave badly? Yes. Should he have helped and apologise? Yes.

But it does sound like he was feeling really really ill. And 24 hours later your refusing to give details to someone who might give him a reference. A reference for what? A job? A house? Its not up to you to decide if that person should give him a reference. That person can decide for themselves if he wants to be his reference. Thats a really big slap in the face. Where there any consequences for them for not getting this reference? I mean you did not even give him time to recover before getting your revenge. You should have let them pay for the mattress if it upset you so much.

The guy had one really bad day at your house and did not deal with it well. If this is really the only reason why you decided he did not deserve the details for someone that could give him a reference then I think that was very petty on your part. If on the other hand he had a history of bad behaviour then fair enough.

dany174 · 24/05/2018 14:53

Sorry just read you update about the reference, which seems fair on your part. Did you explain this was the reason?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2018 14:53

These are friends of friends, not the couple you invited. In that case, I’d ignore her in your situation. She was never your friend to begin with.

DarlingNikita · 24/05/2018 14:55

These are friends of friends, not the couple you invited. ARE they? That's what I can't ascertain.

mrsm43s · 24/05/2018 14:59

He behaved really badly but...

If his wife offered to replace the mattress and you refused(why???) then you can't expect another offer or payment. His wife apologised, presumably on his behalf too.

He presumably didn't help clear up or get up because he was really, really ill and just not able to. If he had drunk so much that he was sick, he was probably really, really poorly, and just unable to function. Consequence of his own stupid behaviour, but rest assured he probably felt sick as a dog.

He probably deleted you off Social Media because he was hideously embarrassed.

None of this is his wife's fault who did offer to pay/ did apologise /didn't behave badly. Don't punish the wife who did nothing wrong for the behaviour of her husband.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 24/05/2018 14:59

These are friends of friends, not the couple you invited.

I thought they were the friends.

bettytaghetti · 24/05/2018 15:15

Quack you're right; the friends' friends have stayed in close contact.

OP, how did the other friends view this guy's behaviour at the time? Have they stayed friends with the other couple? If not, says it all...

Antigonads · 24/05/2018 15:30

This happened to us with a friend of DDs.

They had been to a party and her friend came home with DD - they were both in my DD's bed. Friend started throwing up and I could hear DD trying to drag her out of her room and into the bathroom, puking all the way. My DD tried ringing the girl's mother to no avail so I contacted her via FB and she came to collect her. I received a voicemail the next day with a half hearted apology and basically absolving her daughter of any responsibility as she 'never drinks' and in not so many words blaming my DD or anyone else at the party for spiking her drinks. I was incensed at her implications. She phoned me several more times and I let each go to voicemail until she eventually conceded that her daughter had been drinking, willingly, and it clearly wasn't the first time as she did not have much of a hangover.

But I never received a propery apology for all the sick, and the washing and cleaning we had to do as a result of her daughter, and she was normally the type to be quite effusive with gifts for even the smallest favour.

I presume it was guilt and shame, as I imagine is the case with your 'friends' OP. In fact, I think she dropped off my face book list and I asked her if I'd done something to offend her!

Jux · 24/05/2018 15:44

Did you like her? If youd did, and you think you still like her and can be friends without involving her dh, then why not?

I wouldn't much want to spend any time, effort or energy on her dh though.

I wonder if she's got in touch because they want to stay with you again. Wouldn't surprise me. You can find out by replying to her, and seeing what happens next. It would be quite fun for us to watch updates here, but that's about the only other reason to bother with her.

The80sweregreat · 24/05/2018 15:46

I would ignore them both. appalling way to carry on.

Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 15:58

Yes the other four are in close contact. They alternate holidays in the US and the UK

OP posts:
Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 16:02

Ŷhey knew about the mattress. I think I said he watched us carry it through for them.
We didn't expect payment - but a card might have been nice.

It isn't up to me to défaite who gives references, but it is when it comes to giving out personal info. I don't do it.
It wasn't revenge. If I'd wanted revenge I would have made a much more public fuss when it happened. And i would have told the person he was after... i didn't. I've kept my mouth shut till now.

OP posts:
Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 16:06

Jeux. I suspect you're right. All this happened in our 'holiday home'. (Forgive the pretension). I hadn't joined up the dots but their friends are due over here this summer...

And that makes complete sense!

OP posts:
Yorkskaty · 24/05/2018 16:13

Phew! Thank you all. I feel a bit as though I've been on trial, but it was absolutely worth it.
It's good to know I wasn't unreasonable,.
So, time to draw a line under it all and ignore them completely I think.

Cheers.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 24/05/2018 17:03

God yes! They want your holiday home again!

Do update us OP!

eddielizzard · 24/05/2018 17:08

oh no, for our edification, please respond and see if she asks to stay again Grin

then you can send back a cuttingly crafty reply.