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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

splitting for a miniture or AIBU

45 replies

Goodfood1 · 24/05/2018 07:56

living with DP for nearly a year now and we've been great most of the time, however he likes his spirit, he controlled the drinking in the week by buying just a miniature to have in his coffee but once a week he goes out and gets pissed, mostly comes home and goes to bed, but sometimes (about 4-5times in this period)has arrived with paranoia and woken me up questioning etc. he usually doesn't remember much next morning and this is caused by the spirit.
this is not acceptable and I know we have argued, and nearly split.
last time he only came back pissed and not paranoiac but I said enough, when he knew that was it for me he worked until I gave in again and let him decide what he could do for me to give him the one more chance. he said no spirit and only out once a week. I said ok lets do this for 3 months and see.
about a week and half later(3 days ago) he came home with a miniature, he probably forgot to hide it from me but he says he forgot about the ban and didn't feel he needed to as he'd been good so far and it's only a miniature.
As soon as I got angry DP asked if I'd been drinking, me: NO, then he said I was just looking for an argument, me:NO and then that I was clearly changing as I used to be so tolerant and now am showing my true colors me: GGrrrrr. at this point I walked away from the conversation, as it was getting very heated and because this is to me was worse than the drink as he was just turning the tables.
I didn't speak to him again till last night.
subject brought up again and went in same direction 3 days later still no acceptance he shouldn't have bought the miniature.
As a rule he is amazing, a lovely person and we get on fantastic. I don't want to LTB over this but we seem so far apart on this I don't see how to resolve it.
AIBU and Should I be so adamant about the one miniature? or about the turning the tables to make me be the baddy? he just doesn't seem to hear me.
Any advice on how to move forward or not?
sorry if this is long

OP posts:
Storm4star · 24/05/2018 08:06

I can see both sides to this. Him coming home and paranoid, waking you up etc is unacceptable. But, him wanting a miniature in his coffee isn’t unreasonable to me. I like a glass of wine most nights and wouldn’t take kindly to a new partner telling me I can’t. Surely you knew his drinking habits before you moved in with him? So this should have been discussed/agreed on a compromise, before that even happened. You have a right to be upset when he comes home drunk like that. But equally, it looks like you’re trying to change him and if he’s a good partner otherwise, then enjoying a few drinks once a week isn’t the biggest problem in the world.

His reaction in terms of turning things on you was wrong, but you getting angry over one miniature was also wrong I feel. I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion on this, and reach a fair compromise. “Banning” does not work, as you’ve seen for yourself. It leads to him feeling he has to be sneaky and then you both get angry.

trojanpony · 24/05/2018 08:15

Fuck me. YANBU to be adamant about one minutiae but YABU to not want to leave.

To contextualise this for you because it’s probably your normal mow... I genuinely made Shock face reading this.
While I’ll confess I’m fond of alcohol and drink a bit more than the RDA you need to hear that putting a miniature in a coffee on a regular basis is not normal.

You do realise that the reason he is doing this is because he’s an alcoholic / on the road to alcoholism and can’t stop.

I have dated some arseholes in my time, but only one used to come in paranoid and ranting (guess what? He was lovely apart from the drink...i dumped him within a month, that was years ago and last I heard was in a drying out clinic)

You may not want to leave him but you 100% should. You can’t have kids with man and won’t be able to rely on him long term.

You say yourself you gave him one last chance it was his last chance he blew it and yet you are still there...being mugged off. Sorry to be harsh but this is only going one way.

BrownTurkey · 24/05/2018 08:16

He forgot about the ban after a week and a half and is blaming you. Don’t get dragged down by his alcoholism. I think at least a separation to think about it is an important stand to take, however I do think you should consider leaving. Keep your head clear and don’t take on the blame. This was your red line and he crossed it,

BrownTurkey · 24/05/2018 08:17

Oh, and if he forgot to hide it it probably wasn’t the first.

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 24/05/2018 08:17

Morning coffee??

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 08:19

Well getting drunk and waking you up is not ok, but banning him from all alcohol even one miniature, is a step too far for me and yes, its unreasonable.

You should both comprimise. And that includes you. He's a grown up and telling him he isn't allowed any booze is too controlling and mum like for my taste, I'd tell you to fuck right off.

Clearly he needs to control the getting pissed thing and you shouldn't be getting your arse in your hands over a miniature. Neither of you are covering yourself in glory here.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 08:21

He's. It a alcoholic because he has at most one miniature a day. And gets pissed occasional. Fuck me the sobriety brigade are out in force this morning.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 08:21

He's not an alooholic that should read.

Nicknacky · 24/05/2018 08:23

I get the waking you up drunk is really really annoying and that’s great that stopped but why isn’t he allowed one drink?

HellenaHandbasket · 24/05/2018 08:23

If he needs it every day then he is an alcoholic. Regardless of quantity.

ScrubTheDecks · 24/05/2018 08:26

He can’t go 3 days without a shot of spirits in his coffee? Even though his relationship was on the line?

I think he has a drink problem and is turning it on you to deflect.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 08:27

She didn't say he "needs" it. He can just want it and that's fine. No medical professional would qualify someone who has one miniature a day as an alkie ffs.

ScrubTheDecks · 24/05/2018 08:29

In the end, if you and he have different priorities around this and can’t sort it out without it getting very heated, then whether or not he has a problem, or you are an over-zealous anti-alcohol type is immaterial: it’s a difference in values and inability to communicate. So...

guinnessguzzler · 24/05/2018 08:36

I'm not sure I fully understand the context here. Is it one miniature a day, in his coffee throughout the day? At work? In the evening? To be honest it doesn't really matter if he is an alcoholic or not, it sounds like you just have completely different attitudes to this and neither of you want to compromise. Absolutely fair enough; you know what is unacceptable to you, you've explained that to him and given him the chance to re evaluate his behaviour and change if he wants to. He has made it clear he doesn't want to.

Life is way too short to waste it trying to control your partner's behaviour while they make promises they have no intention of keeping. Find someone who doesn't have to work this hard to 'control' their drinking, you will be much better suited and much happier.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/05/2018 08:36

Oh they would if he had to have it regardless of the consequences.

They would if his history included regular binge drinking

They would if his binge drinking made him act in a paranoid manner

They would if he had, or clamed to have, no memory of his actions after a binge

They would if his way of reducing his alcohol intake was to buy small amounts of alcohol to drink in coffee - that's a diversion tactic, by the way!

Everything in the OP screams of a man who drinks much more that the OP is seeing, who allows her to see a very small amount of alcohol that he protects aggressively, making her the one seem to be the one who has a problem. So many here have already said it "Why get so annoyed about 1 shot in a coffee?"

That's what people who are already alcoholics do. They are utterly manipulative when it comes to alcohol and are very often very lovely, sociable people and therefore, very, very believable.

OP, leave. If he is being honest then the two of you have a major disconnect that won't get any better. But, as you probably know, he is an alcoholic and nothing you can do will change that. He has to want to change, he has to do ALL the work. You can only be either an enabler or collateral damage - and he won't care either way!

Juells · 24/05/2018 08:41

I wouldn't want this in my life. I can see why people say "It's only one drink FFS" but if I was with someone I liked and they asked me not to drink I wouldn't have any difficulty with that. He is having difficulty.

Original poster
Goodfood1 · 24/05/2018 08:46

thanks everyone, I knew you could help me. the spriit in his coffee was after work so at about 5pm, He still drinks beer about 1-2 cans after work again, and he still goes out once a week and gets pissed but hopefully without the spirit. This is because its that that makes him paranoid and he admits this. I wouldn't actually have a problem with the one a day miniature if it hadn't gone too far before , and there'll be a day he can go back to that as long as it's controlled.
we wont have kids together btw as both past that now and have our own from previous

OP posts:
category12 · 24/05/2018 08:47

The way I read it, the man has reduced his alcohol intake (presumably from much higher levels), to having a miniature a day. So he's a problem drinker who has relapsed, not someone who just likes a tipple occasionally.

WittyJack · 24/05/2018 08:48

Sadly I agree with curious, having had several alcoholics in the family, and having been with one for four long years.

You'd have thought my grandma was a sweet little old lady who was similarly clingy with her nightly sherry. Oh the shock you'd have got if you'd looked in sneaky places like under her bed or her toilet cistern or in the cleaning caddy. The face on you when you realised that the glass of tap water she'd taken to bed when staying with you was warm, neat vodka.

If someone is doing it every day and is defensive about it, that's a big red tip of the iceberg flag for me.

Lalliella · 24/05/2018 08:48

Are you sure it’s not also drugs? Cannabis is more likely than alcohol to cause paranoia.

ShapelyBingoWing · 24/05/2018 08:49

It probably doesn't help the perceptions here that his drink of choice is spirits in his coffee. That's something that, unless it's a fancy black coffee with whipped cream, I associate with alcoholics trying to hide their intake.

Is this actually what he would choose to drink?

When exactly does he have this coffee?

Have you tried to find out how many he didn't forget to hide? Does he hide them from you daily? Multiple times a day?

Ultimately you've said you don't want to leave him for this. So you've taken your limit off the table. I did similar with a drug using ex... "only at weekends". It only got worse. And yes, he sneaked drugs into the house during the week. Alcohol is a drug so I'd be very concerned about any dishonest and destructive behaviours associated with addiction.

category12 · 24/05/2018 08:51

Basically cutting down doesn't work - he needs to stop drinking altogether. With medical support if he's physically dependent

ScrubTheDecks · 24/05/2018 08:53

So he is drinking daily, in a big way once a week and has a ‘secret’ shot of spirits in his coffee after work? Once. Allegedly.

What the hell is he drinking that makes him paranoid? Absinthe?

And are you sure it isn’t just sheer volume but that you don’t have all the info about?

VivaKondo · 24/05/2018 08:53

If he is at the point where he is hiding alcohol form you, then he is an alcoholic.

Its up to you to decide what level of alcohol is too much.
No one can put a judgement on that or tell you if it’s right or not.

Very clearly the state of ‘so drunk that he is becoming paranoid’ is a deal breaker for you.
His reaction in your discussion, possibly hidding alcohol, been unable to stop drinking for just a week are all to take into account. Seeing that, do you think he will actually reduce his alcohol intake to a level that you find acceptable?

Remember too that he can be the most charming person in the world, the best partner etc... if he isn’t respecting what is a deal breaker for yu, then he isn’t the right partner for you.
Think about it. If having an affair is a deal breaker for you, would him being the best partner in the world be enough for you to accept his cheating?? I doubt it.
Same applies here.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/05/2018 08:56

Are you sure it’s not also drugs? Cannabis is more likely than alcohol to cause paranoia. Don't underestimate the damage alcohol does. It is, in itself, as destructive as any drug, mainly because it is one!

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