splitting for a miniture or AIBU

[Goodfood1]

living with DP for nearly a year now and we've been great most of the time, however he likes his spirit, he controlled the drinking in the week by buying just a miniature to have in his coffee but once a week he goes out and gets pissed, mostly comes home and goes to bed, but sometimes (about 4-5times in this period)has arrived with paranoia and woken me up questioning etc. he usually doesn't remember much next morning and this is caused by the spirit.
this is not acceptable and I know we have argued, and nearly split.
last time he only came back pissed and not paranoiac but I said enough, when he knew that was it for me he worked until I gave in again and let him decide what he could do for me to give him the one more chance. he said no spirit and only out once a week. I said ok lets do this for 3 months and see.
about a week and half later(3 days ago) he came home with a miniature, he probably forgot to hide it from me but he says he forgot about the ban and didn't feel he needed to as he'd been good so far and it's only a miniature.
As soon as I got angry DP asked if I'd been drinking, me: NO, then he said I was just looking for an argument, me:NO and then that I was clearly changing as I used to be so tolerant and now am showing my true colors me: GGrrrrr. at this point I walked away from the conversation, as it was getting very heated and because this is to me was worse than the drink as he was just turning the tables.
I didn't speak to him again till last night.
subject brought up again and went in same direction 3 days later still no acceptance he shouldn't have bought the miniature.
As a rule he is amazing, a lovely person and we get on fantastic. I don't want to LTB over this but we seem so far apart on this I don't see how to resolve it.
AIBU and Should I be so adamant about the one miniature? or about the turning the tables to make me be the baddy? he just doesn't seem to hear me.
Any advice on how to move forward or not?
sorry if this is long

I think you made a fair request and he wasn’t able to comply. I also think you deserve better than this. Alcoholics suck the joy from the people around them.

Of course he’s an alcoholic; it’s costing him (and you) more than money. He won’t change and you can’t resolve this for him. You should leave.

I don't know why people are getting hung up on "paranoia". Severe anxiety aka the "beer fear" is common enough, especially following alcohol induced blackouts - I presume that's what the op means.

Hmmm OP you do know your partner is an alcoholic right!? Things are not going to get easier unless he gets help and if he does not be prepared for a very rocky road ahead.

So it isn't just the miniature every day, it's a couple of cans of beer every evening as well. Plus his weekly binge. So you aren't asking him to give up alcohol at all, and you aren't being anti-alcohol in reasonable amounts. But you do seem to have a partner who puts alcohol above you in his relationships.

He's. It a alcoholic because he has at most one miniature a day. And gets pissed occasional. Fuck me the sobriety brigade are out in force this morning.

Alcoholism is a mind set. When you’ve lived with one you recognise it - the flying off the handle, the complete lack of understanding how their drunkenness affects others, the sneaking and lying.

Op said he ‘controlled’ his drinking with the miniatures - this suggests he was previously drinking more and, even more concerning, that he NEEDS the miniatures. Or more likely, he insists on having them because drinking is a pleasure he just can’t let go of and he puts it ahead of his wife’s feelings.

DH has a similar drinking problem but he and I deal with it well together. (Mostly) He, like many alcoholics imho, is not physically addicted the way very very heavy drinkers are. He uses alcohol as a crutch, coping mechanism and form of control.

He has a couple of beers on a weekend and occasionally gets quite drunk. No one that doesn’t know him well would say he had a problem. But in the past he has gone out of his way to ignore my requests that he stay sober and refused acknowledge that his behaviour when drunk was completely unreasonable. He can’t recognise “oooh I’m a bit pissed here, better slow down” When he’s had a few he cannot stop - he becomes like a belligerent child, drinking simply because he’s been told not to.

When going out with friends he puts plans in place for exactly how many he’ll have and what time he’ll leave. Or he deliberately drives so he can’t drink. If it’s ‘just a few’ he religiously sticks at 2 because he cannot have 3 or 4; 4 quickly becomes 8.

His determination to control his drinking has saved our marriage. When he does slip up he gets no sugar coating “you have a drink problem and last night you did not control it. This caused x and y problems. What do you intend to do to repair this?”

Op yanbu. Only you can decide if you believe he can change. First he had to recognise the extent of the problem.

So the issue is he has a bad reaction to spirits, rather than the amount he's drinking?

If drinking spirits makes him paranoid then I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to stop. He should want to do this because of the impact it has on you.

My husband gets arsey if he drinks whisky, therefore he no longer drinks it.

hi everyone, I am actually in agreement with nearly everything you have all written even the contrasting alcoholic/non alcoholic hence me not knowing what to do and how to take this.

I could possibly compromise with the one a day miniature maybe not every day but a few evenings, but not on his drinking night as he wouldn't stop at a miniature.
What has hurt me the most is him trying to turn the tables and make me look bad, it was probably his best defence at the time in his head but 3 days later he hasn't changed it, so now I don't know if he actually believes what he says!
The spirit in question is whiskey btw
He has a mediterranean background where drinking everyday is not unusual.
The reason I said none to the whiskey is because I don't want to live in fear of how it will affect him each time.

YANBU. I would never insist my husband can't have the odd drink and vice versa but my husband doesn't come home steaming drunk and paranoid. Clearly you were concerned he had a drinking problem and he's confirmed it in his behaviour. Personally I don't think I could stay in this relationship as he doesn't sound at all committed to tackling the problem.

I'm in agreement with those that say he is an alcoholic.
You don't have to be waking up with the shakes and having to have a can of special brew with your cornflakes in the morning to be classed as an alcoholic. But getting in from work and having a miniature, and a few cans. Then getting totally out of control drunk on the weekends/on occasions does ring alarm bells.

There's a saying:
"There are two kinds of alcoholic - one that knows when the off license shuts, and the other that knows when it opens"
I think your DP is the former, for now.

The pattern this usually follows is that the drinking becomes an every day habit, the constant drinking will increase his tolerance to the alcohol and soon he will need more to feel the satisfaction he's currently getting. Stopping for a few days will not affect that. Then he'll end up drinking progressively more over time if he doesn't try to control it. Until its too late. We all know what damage alcohol does to your liver.

You need to decide if you want to try and help him through it, get him to admit to his problem and try to address it. Or if he's so stubborn that he literally will not even admit that his habit is getting out of his control (the purchase of the miniature despite the ban suggests to me that he's not got a handle on this), then he's going to end up alone and probably dead of liver failure at some point.

Sorry OP, its a shit situation to be in. I think the only wrong answer here would be to ignore it and let him carry on regardless, while you stay with him and watch him deteriorate. You stay with a sober gent or leave a drunk who won't be helped.

He has admitted it's a problem, and has cut down so that is a positive, however I'm over not being sure how he will come home which is why we got to the whiskey ban.

I am out now for a few hours but will be back to read when possible, for now thanks to you all for helping me put things into perspective

.

Is it just whiskey or is it all spirits?

Different spirits can affect people in different ways. Tequila, for example, makes me amorous and my sister black out. Vodka makes several people I know fighty. Yet we all tend to be able to handle other spirits.

I appreciate there are bigger problems here, and there's been a lot of very good advice on that front. FWIW I dated someone similar and in the end had to dump him he got clean finally some years later so TBH I'd encourage you to leave him rather than try to explain his actions on whiskey alone were an issue.

He is an alcoholic in denial.

Having a miniature in his coffee is his way of saying to himself that he is in control of his drinking " I only drink this little tot, a real alcoholic would drink more, therefore I am not an alcoholic."

But he forgets the daily cans, he forgets the legless binges, he clings onto the little miniature as a sign that he is in control, not the alcohol.That is why he gets so angry when you catch him out, he is having his illusion questioned.

Alcoholics who accept their drinking is out of control need help to stop. Alcoholics who do NOT recognise they have a problem are impossible to help.

He will not stop. He will eventually lose his job and his friends, except for his drinking buddies, he will spend his money, and then yours, you will end up cleaning up his piss and shit from your bathroom, your bedroom, or wherever he has passed out.

He might be a lovely caring man when sober now, but that will not last. it is not you he loves.You need to decide soon how much of your life you are willing to let him destroy.

Alcohol is a socially accepted drug, as a society we accept behaviour from alcohol users that we do not (yet!) accept from other drug users. If he was this way with heroin or cocaine you would not be questioning his addiction or making excuses for him.

@goodfood1 there are charities out that are for the support of families of alcoholics and provide advice on how to avoid facillitation. It's up to you if you LTB but it is possible to maintain a relationship depending on the type of drinking issues it is. It is also about respect for you though and turning the tables on the arguement was not respectful.

It does sound like this is a cultrual thing, as well as a coping mechanism to get over the work day. He needs to look at why he does it before you can move on and come to some solution.

I grew up with a person like this in the household and thought it was perfectly normal for everyone to drink every night and to get taxis home rather than be picked up when at a friends. It was only later when i realised. Now when this person visits they are asked firmly not to drink spirits in front of my DC, and to only have beer later in the evening. It works and is nice to have the sober person to chat too rather than the drunk one.

'What has hurt me the most is him trying to turn the tables and make me look bad, it was probably his best defence at the time in his head but 3 days later he hasn't changed it, so now I don't know if he actually believes what he says!'

This is called gaslighting. If he can turn the tables on you and manipulate the conversation to deny responsibility by putting the blame onto you then it is not a healthy relationship. Knowing that it's hurt you hasn't motivated him to show any remorse or to engage in meaningful, honest, respectful conversation.

What do you want in a relationship? What kind of life do you want to lead? How do you really want to be treated?

Thank you bossbaby those were my first thoughts and why I didn't even bother to argue first couple of days as was so angry. Now I'm hurt. I will see if it's possible to talk to him later but not feeling very positive atm.
I'm taking on board what I'm reading here

He is buying miniatures presumably because he can’t control portions himself and have “just one” from a one normal sized bottle of spirit.

He is still drinking spirits despite knowing they don’t agree with him because... he can’t control himself/stop drinking

You can’t control him you can only control the decisions you make

Why would you buy miniatures they cost a lot more? If he cannot be trusted with a normal bottle he is clearly dependent. If that’s the case it will be very difficult for you to help him as he is not seeing a problem. The deflection during the argument smacks of defensive behaviour.

Very problematic attitude to alcohol, especially: he forgot about the ban and didn't feel he needed to as he'd been good so far and it's only a miniature.

Bollocks did he "forget about the ban". He'd been thinking about it for ages, which was why it was a "miniature" bottle of spirits, and not a case of going out for a drink after work and just forgetting!

As a rule, one unit of alcohol is 25ml of spirits, so a miniature is more than one shot. Add in the cans, and any secret drinking - he really isn't just having 'one', is he?

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcoholic-drinks-units/what-is-an-alcohol-unit/

I'm over eight years sober and everything about his behaviour screams 'Alcoholic'. Have a look around the house when he's out, I'm pretty sure you'll find more alcohol secreted in coat pockets, sports bags etc. He may be having the shot in his coffee as mask for the smell of what he's been drinking elsewhere. Once you smell of whiskey, it can be from one drink or from thirty. Trust me on this.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/public/faqs-about-al-anon