To think you can 'love' a child too much?

[Puzzledbythis1]

Honestly confused and would love to hear other perspectives.
DP has a son(5) I have a son(5).
His treatment of the two kids is causing a lot of tensiom and trouble.
He has his son one week on and one off but treats him as though he is two years old. The result is so tangible that at 5 years old this child can rarely speak without whining and crying(for anything) can't brush his own teeth, can't dress himself or zip up a coat or even put on velcro shoes. Can't sleep alone, is sometimes fed like a baby.
Is picked up and held like a baby everytime he cries whether or not he's misbehaved.
I would say it honestly seems like obsession, the child cannot pass a day without being constantly photographed at every moment(eating, sleeping, on the toilet). When he-s asleep his father is then looking through all the photos of him constantly.
I realised suddenly at one point that I have seen him pass entire days interacting with him in no other way apart from saying 'awww little cutie pie' 'awew you' and tickling him. No exageration.
He said openly he can't be bothered to discipline him when he has him(so it's kind of like dealing with animal from the muppet babies).
He doesn't see any if this as wrong and I'm not even going into too much depth about it.
Is this normal for 5 years old or to have this intense of behaviour toward your child? My son is the same age and he can dress himself, eat, hold conversation etc.

I'm worried I'm just mean but it seems as though he's actually harming him somehow or harming his development the way he's treating him.

Any advice?

Sorry for all the typos. Also the problem between the two kids is that his son is a little angel that does nothing wrong ever and mine is constantly being fingered as the bad influence.
It's hard to deal with. I'm a lot stricter with mine and would like him to grow up responsible and capable.

I dont think thats love. By taking the easy way out he is loving himself more than his child.
And that is the role model of a man and father that he is is providing to his children.

his son is a little angel that does nothing wrong ever and mine is constantly being fingered as the bad influence.

Thats really not healthy, if you cant resolve this you have to consider leaving as he will damage your child. Look up the 'scapegoat and golden child' dynamic.

Your child will suffer if this continues.

I can understand your DH's attitude. When you can't see your child all the time, you want to dote on him and coddle him. Disciplining is hard and it's not at all fun. Your DH is taking a really really lazy approach to parenting, and it could indeed harm the child if he never learns how to behave well and treat people kindly.

I don’t think you can love a child too much, no. But your examples are nothing about loving too much, in my opinion.

Time to split up.

He misses his child, only gets to see him part time, this is normal loving behaviour. Yes he’s overcompensating but he’s showing himself a loving dad. Maybe he needs help in what is needed. It’s up to you if you can help or judge him

No, you can't love a child "too much" but you can be a very inadequate lazy parent while loving your child.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a man who behaved as yours does. Especially considering it is affecting your child.

I'd be gone.

Does the child's mum treat him like this when he stays with her?

That sounds so unhealthy for everyone involved, and it's definitely not love. Love is about putting the other person's well-being first and there is no way that is happening in this situation. Every time I discipline my child it's because I love him, what he is doing is not out of love.

What is his mother like with him? Have school commented? Maybe the child is conditioned to behave like this around Dad because he doesn't know any better.

I feel for your son, I don't think it's a good enough environment for him.

Could he be acting this way as e misses his dad and is doing it to get extra attention/affection/love, he might revert back to acting babyish as he wants his dad attention...

I imagine your his dad is indulging it as he may feel sad/guilty the he doesn't get to have his son full time...so he might be laying it on thick to make up for the times they are apart.

Does he treat your son like that too?

It's lazy Disney Dad parenting really isn't it?

He's parenting through guilt I guess

I dated someone like this briefly (didn't meet kids just saw the way he obsessed over one child - was incredibly sad as he had two more and one clearly was treasured in a way the others weren't but was also treated like a baby)

The dynamics will fuck your kid up if he's step parenting yours the rest of the time and it continues

Yes I've tried helping for many months now unfortunately I have to tread very very carefully to avoid enraging my partner as anything I say that doesn't involve praising him is taken as instantly that I'm making him feel inadequate.
When his son is with his mom he's physically aggressive and misbehaves to the point she is suggesting he doesn't come here as often and there's quite a bit of tension.
I broke up with him twice before this because of this behaviour but he apologised and said he wanted to try again/change.
He seemed to try but it's clearly compulsive on his part and very hard to stop.
The thing I find upsetting the most is that at one point he agreed he was infantalising the child to the point of leaving him incapable of acting his age but he said 'I like it though' it seems so selfish to me. I don't think parenting is about what we 'like' doing and if it was that easy we'd all do it? No?

As an example of how it affects my son...his son talks like a baby..talks in babytalk..my son never did this until we got together then started after being around his. My son now gets the blame for his doing babytalk.
His son can scream, shout, kick, bite, refuse to eat, refuse to sleep and it's all fine...it's dealt with with bribes and softness and generally gets what he wants, my son is constantly 'difficult' if he cries when tired or is 'hard work'.
The funny thing is how calm things are on the week with just my son, he's straight to bed and eats well, behaves etc.
The week with them together is so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting that it takes the week off to get over it.

It's unhealthy for both of them (father and son).

Personally, I would not want my own son to witness such behaviour, let alone being pegged as a 'bad influence'.

The problem is, rightly or wrongly, it's not your place to 'instruct' your DP in how to parent his child and pointing out his mistakes is only going to stir up a hornet's nest.

Time to part ways, if you ask me. Your priority has to be your own son and this is not a good environment for him to be in, nor good behaviour for him to be witnessing.

Just out of curiosity, how long have you been with DP? Do you live together?

To be honest I know it's over between us but I just seek some perspective on it for the sake of seeing the whole picture.
I have a lot of patience(maybe too much)...I understand my partners situation but it's too unhealthy for everyone right?

Definitely not love. Love is thinking that I want my child to grow up to be the best that they can be, independent, capable and a decent member of society. Love is thinking before yes or no. People who always say yes to their child, or always say no, are not even bothering to put their brains in motion to think of what the best answer is for that specific instance and children feel insecure because of it.

I can imagine the child's mum must find it terribly difficult to get him to behave when he is with her if the time is split equally.
I certainly wouldnt be happy about my child being treated so differently. I count put up with it or hold my tongue.

We've been together for around eight months, living together just two.

He toned down a lot since we met, in the beginning the child couldn't even eat without a camera in his face. We're taking minimum 100 photos per day.
It's also sad because he thinks this is 'happiness' the child being spoilt/hyper but it goes too far, stresses too much then he explodes in anger then he feels bad then he overcompensates by spoiling him more.
It's like watching an abusive relationship but it's not a couple it's a child.
Recently as it's started to take it's toll on us he'll go and sleep beside his kid in the middle of the night to comfort himself.
It's as though he's using him as a distraction/emotional crutch.

Talking*

I would end the relationship for good this time. Your son and you must feel a lot of resentment towards him, your son will wonder why he is being treated so differently. If you think you are happy enough to leave, or tell him to leave, whichever way round it is then do it.

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone acting like this with their child. I don't know how you have put up with it!

Very odd obsessive behaviour. Has he said why he feels the need to photograph him endlessly? He needs to shape up and see the bigger picture and how this will affect both children long term, but mostly his son (as it sounds like you're leaving sometime soonish??)
It sounds as though you have moved in together pretty quickly. Must be a bit of a difficult one for the kids to deal with too. Personally it seems too rushed for me and I think you should take a big step back and not live together, see how the relationship pans out for longer - or just give it up and walk away.

Love is putting you son first and removing him from this unhealthy situation.

Your first responsibility is to your son. He’s being scapegoated, it’s insidious and really damaging.

Can you imagine what this situation is going to be like in five years?

Scrap that, can you imagine what this is going to be like this Christmas? He’s not going to be prepared to treat the children the same is he?

You know what you need to do. Get on with it.

Wow. Sounds like your DP needs to hear about what harm he’s doing from another voice than yours. Maybe book a couple’s therapist for 1-2 sessions. Almost certainly, since this is a major issue in your relationship, the therapist will recommend a resource that outlines the development goals for a 5yo. It might be a referral to another therapist, or a book/study or factsheet/other therapeutic or diagnostic tool. Also ask if the schools have anyone in place to do assessments (of both boys). Once it is there in black & white that his ds is not even close to hitting his milestones, the child can be properly helped.

I’d also be arranging for your DP to come to play dates and birthday parties with this 5yo cohort racing about. All feeding themselves, playing complex games and conversing normally.

I think it is imperative that these things happen, for the mental health of your own child. Your DP’s denial (and lack of responsibility) will lead to him having to drag your son down, rather than take mature steps to raise his son up. It’s bullshit that he doesn’t know there’s something wrong, he just can’t be arsed doing the right thing, and he’s in very bad habits.

Parents (in the entire animal kingdom) have one prime directive. Breed, and raise that kid to independence ASAP. That’s all. Love is just one of the tools that biology uses, to ensure we stick at this parenting gig (which is often hard and boring). Love has to work in service to the prime directive, or it goes against it. Your DP could be the poster boy for not getting the prime directive. While it’s not your job to force him on track, it is your job to fulfil the prime directive for your own kid. Sounds like your kid is going backwards, dangerously.

I’d give it a firm 3 months, with lots of therapy, then prioritise my kid by leaving the relationship. Sorry for you, this sounds ghastly and fairly surreal to have to deal with.