To wish DP could be a bit more supportive of my birth choices?

[berryboots]

I'm 7 months pregnant with DP and I's first child. He's generally been pretty supportive throughout the whole thing, but now that I've slightly started preparing for how I'd like to give birth, I am being met with what feels like a total lack of support.

First of all and most importantly (to me), I want to do it without pain relief. No epidural, no gas and air. He'a always known this was very important to me and that when giving birth I want to be in the mindset that pain relief is not an option. I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally, but this has always been an important factor for me and I hate the thought of feeling numb.

DP keeps saying that I'll never make it through, that I've not had an easy time in this pregnancy to begin with (low iron levels resulting in me fainting quite often + all the usual stuff that comes with pregnancy) and that I can't handle the pain. Not even a tiny bit of encouragement; it's like he's already decided that I am going to fail what I am trying to prepare myself for, and was hoping for his support.

I was hoping to labour in a birthing pool if the pain got intense. He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

I was hoping to give birth in this nice, nearby maternity ward where the midwives would be there to support me through a natural birth without pain relief. He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

I am just so frustrated. It feels like everything I mention about the way I want to deliver is being mocked and laughed at. It's not just him though, it's my own parents as well. They're all lovely in every other way and couldn't do enough for me, but they make me feel like an absolute idiot when I talk about how I want to give birth. Am I just being totally U and should wisen up a bit or am I right in expecting a bit of support?

[happymummy12345]

Your partner should be more supportive. I used my tens machine for hours and it was all I needed (not even on highest setting). I then got in the pool and loved it.
Gas and air made me feel sick and gave me a headache so I won't be trying it next time.
It's perfectly reasonable to want to try natural options.

[iamyourequal]

On a serious note, I can appreciate that he is worried, but it is hard for me to empathise with his worries when he has no interest in educating himself.. I’m sorry but really? What is it your DP needs educating on. I’m sorry to say this but he sounds pretty clued up and you, to be brutally honest, sound naive. I am qualified to say this because I was the same myself. Please realise that for most women childbirth is shear agony. It’s not like stubbing your toe or having bad period pain. You might be superwoman on the day, but you might be just an ordinary mortal screaming for an epidural when the time comes. Please accept this so that you are not setting yourself up for s big disappointment and eye-rolling midwives when your Birth plan is out the window.

[Camomila]

There's no gaurantee that difficult pregnancy = difficult birth.

I was gray for most of my pregnancy. I began with a suspected ectopic at 6 weeks, had another bleed a few weeks later, lots of throwing up and fainting, low lying placenta at 20wk scan and low heamoglobin levels, then I started measuring small...then everything magically cleared up by 30 weeks and I had a lovely water birth in the MLU (I did have gas and air though, I thought itd make me queezy like the sedation stuff at the dentist but it was fine)

After my pregnancy I was as surprised as the next person by how straightforward the birth was!

[Singlenotsingle]

He's just being realistic. It's all very well saying you don't want pain relief, but if this is your first baby you don't know what to expect! Why don't you want pain relief? Is there a logical reason? It's like dummies. Some people say no way will they let the DC have a dummy - until they're faced with the reality of a screaming baby who won't sleep.
Just keep your options open

[BuntyII]

I really don't know how to say what I want to without offending some people. But I'm with your husband on this. Please try to be realistic because some of the mums I know who had an attitude like yours ended up with PTSD. They weren't prepared for the reality of childbirth.

[TheMonkeyMummy]

My DH was like this too. Turned out he was just very very concerned about seeing me in pain and distressed. It's a hard thing for our partners to witness, esp knowing that it will hurt like crazy and there is nothing they can do about it.

Having a birth plan is great. I always advise pregnant ladies to consider all their options, write it down and be sure your midwives/doctors know. Like many others, I would also recommend you have a plan B, and not be so focused about your ideal birthing plan. I have seen a few friends require counseling because they were so focused on one plan and when things didn't work out that way, they struggled to come to terms with that.

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Ps: your ancestors comment is dumb. Women and babies died. A lot. Modern medicine is miraculous. Many of us and our babies would not be here without it. And like you said, there is no gold
Medal for those who do it vaginally, or without pain relief.

And once that baby is placed in your arms, everything that happened prior to that moment, won't matter one jot.

Good luck.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

Its totally your choice whether to have pain relief or not.

200 years ago, you'd have had no choice - you'd feel the full pain of childbirth, every contraction, likely for many, many hours. Then after that, you are most likely to feel your most sensitive parts tearing or being cut and your baby possibly being helped out by forceps, or suction.

Your ancestors didn't have that choice. You have the choice whether you want to feel all of that, take the edge off, or none of that.

If you can honestly think of that, and say 'bring it on', then go for it, but doing so doesn't make it a better birth or you a stronger woman. There are no awards for martyrdom here.

I don't mean to sound brutal here, but you do sound naive, and I'm not sure you realise how painful most women find birth.

You may have a successful drug free water birth, and if that's your aspiration, then go for it. You may not have complications, or birth injuries.

But you might be surprised by the pain, and want a plan b, or at least accept that you may want pain relief and keep it a possibility in your mind.

With a plan b in place, that you know you can go to if it gets too much, then you can concentrate on trying birth your way, without a building panic in you, or feeling disappointed, if you want pain relief

[clumsyduck]

I have seen a few friends require counseling because they were so focused on one plan and when things didn't work out that way, they struggled to come to terms with that.

This is the type of thing I'm talking about . This is insane to me that there can be this amount of pressure they would end up feeling like this. I was just happy I got a baby

[TopangaD]

If you are still readinjbg responses I’d say to you op I undserstsnf u want him to be responsive to your ideas.. and you want him to push and advocate for you if you come to a cross point re pain relaeaf.. I had my first at home 35 hr labour and I begged at points for pain release i begged!! But he gave me the strength to carry on.. you need that behind you. My second was on a birhthig centre but again I had support... I did use gas and air be silly not to in my experience it helped I had a clear head greeting both my babies and glad for it. When it comes to birth plans I made a wish list rather than a to do list an my miswives loved this! Good luck!

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Don’t be scared of having an epidural if you need one. I thought it was wonderful!

[adviceonthepox]

Your OH should be supporting your choices as he must advocate for you if you are unable to do so for yourself. I would say however that being rigid in what you expect and want will not help you when the time comes.
IME not much notice is taken of birth plans and it's always a case of see how it goes on the day.
If you want the MLU tell your OH that's where you are going.
Water births are amazing but you can only have the pool if it is available. My advise is to Hope for one but don't expect one.
First babies are often late so don't be upset or surprised if you end up at the hospital being induced.
Labour is painful and scary and everyone deals with that pain differently. It is impossible to know how you will feel until you are in established labour. Pain relief is there to help should you want it. It doesn't make you any less of a mother if you do.
Most importantly try to be relaxed and go with your midwifes suggestions.

[MonicaGellerHyphenBing]

You do sound a bit naive OP. Of course it is completely your choice and your DH should respect that so YANBU to expect him to listen, but really you have no clue what the pain is like and how you will cope so why shut down all your options?

FWIW I laboured with no drugs, and not by choice, my labour progressed too quickly to be offered anything. I was fairly open-minded but had always said I didn't want an epidural if possible. Well let me tell you, during the later contractions I was screaming for one. Had my labour gone on much longer I think I would have taken everything going, it was agony.

Definitely have a Plan B so you won't feel disappointed if the all natural plan doesn't work out, getting the baby out safely is (obviously) what's most important.

[GnotherGnu]

As dumb as it sounds, I keep thinking of my tough-as-nails ancestors who had to go through the very same thing without relying on gas and air... and I admire them!

Why? They weren't tough as nails, they didn't have any choice, and for all you know they were terrified and screaming. And, as people have said, remember that a number of those ancestors will have died or been very seriously injured in childbirth. It really isn't something to aspire to.

[user1491753603]

My husband was a bit like this, very worried that if something went wrong we weren’t at the hospital and that I might not cope with the pain. What really made him feel more secure was having a tour of the MLU and getting to see it and ask questions to the staff. It really settled his mind.

On a side note please be open minded. My idea and yours were the same, the pain wasn’t the issue for me but the baby had other ideas. Turned footling breach whilst I was in early labour and I needed an emcs. My birth plan was really to only have interventions I needed and for me and baby to be healthy at the end. The route to it changed dramatically but the end result was the same so I didn’t feel bad but please don’t set yourself up for ‘failure’ .

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Honey our hardbas nails ancestors died and so did their babies ! Not all but a fair few

Just talk to him . Ask him to support you to be mobile and to move around and stay calm . I saw a video of women dancing in labiur and I loved it

Listen to his worries

The calmer you are and the more
Mobile the better . That’s my main tip . Stand up for as long as you can !

And do NOT ruin the last few months arguing about this . You will get the birth you get and I hope it’s easy and the baby is fine ! And if there are a few curve balls it’s fine you will be looked after

[moita]

I had a water birth without pain relief. To be honest it was all down to luck: baby was in the right position and there were no complications.

DP was nervous about me going to a stand alone MLU so we compromised on the MLU attached to the hospital. Gave him peace of mind.

I'm due my 2nd soon and sadly she has health problems so won't be able to go to a MLU. I will absolutely take an epidural this time!

I don't feel any more of a woman for having my 1st without pain relief.

[londonrach]

Your choice op but be prepared..birth never goes to plan. My birth plan was very flexiable ie i just put i want baby and me to be ok. I dont anyones birth plan going to plan

[londonrach]

I dont think anyones birth plan goes to plan..think is the missing word here

[ferntwist]

YANBU. He’s being astonishingly unhelpful and insensitive. I’d definitely recommend doing a hypnobirthing course together as they get the partners very involved and teach them about being your advocate and also as he’ll see lots of other couples saying the same things as you about what they want from birth.

[eurochick]

There's nothing wrong with the plan you have but try not to be too rigid in sticking to it. Birth very often doesn't go to plan. I'd recommend preparing yourself for your preferred birth as much as possible with hypnobirthing but also keeping an open mind.

I planned a home waterbirth. I read the hypnobirthing books. I engaged an independent midwife because research shows consistency of caregiver is correlated with fewer interventions. I did everything possible to put myself in the best possible position for a low intervention birth. I ended up with a section at 34 weeks with a full paediatric team in the room as there was a problem with blood flow to the baby. Birthing is a pretty unpredictable business. Being too rigid might just lead to you feeling like you've failed if you need to veer off plan.

[Sleephead1]

I mean this really nicely but it sounds like you are putting a huge amount of pressure in yourself and I don't think that's a good idea I hope it all works out for you but I would say you need to try and relax about it a bit as it might not go how you plan you could need a section , forceps, be induced ECT you may find the pain to much to handle the pain and I would hate to think of anyone suffering like that just because you feel you have to. I was transferred from a midwife led unit in a ambulance to th3 hospital after pushing for hours I had to have a emergency section as baby's heart rate dropped. It wasn't what I had planned and they have advised a section if I have another baby as I can't remember the medical name but it's basically a very small pelvis and baby was stuck. So I wish I'd been at the hospital to begin with as the ambulance ride and being transferred was horrid but obviously lots of people are fine at midwife led unit I just wanted to make you aware of what to expect if you do need more intervention. At the end of the day you and your partner are going to get your lovely baby and hopefully it will all go to plan but don't put too much pressure on yourself

[Tallyhooo]

My OH walked out when they broke my waters - he just couldn't see me in that much pain - that might get a 'that's terrible' response, but I totally understood - I also wanted the 'no epidural', but things didn't go to plan at all and I had too….

He came back into the room at the end -

I'm expecting again, and really considering another birth partner - some men just can't handle it - I had to spend so much time telling him what to do and making sure he was okay - birth was traumatic anyway...

Talking about it now I'm a bit more worried than I thought I was about this time!

[OutComeTheWolves]

I'd find that very frustrating too. I wonder if (from his perspective) he's letting you know that it's ok to change your mind re pain relief, but actually he's coming across as really unsupportive.

FWIW, my dh had a similar attitude with our first, but I did it without pain relief as do many other women. In hindsight though that's was because despite me being a complete wimp when it comes to pain, it was a relatively easy labour.

I'd sit him down and say that yes you may need pain relief and yes you may need to go to the hospital and if that happens that's fine. But you'd like to try the mlu first and would appreciate his support. If you end up in hospital with an epidural, then you haven't 'failed' (it's not a challenge that you win/lose) but you don't want to start off assuming that's what will happen. If he continues to be unsupportive, then you should let him know he's being a knob.

[OutComeTheWolves]

Dads get an opinion not a casting vote.

^ This. If he can't be your advocate while you're on labour, then he's not cut out to be your birth partner.