To wish DP could be a bit more supportive of my birth choices?

[berryboots]

I'm 7 months pregnant with DP and I's first child. He's generally been pretty supportive throughout the whole thing, but now that I've slightly started preparing for how I'd like to give birth, I am being met with what feels like a total lack of support.

First of all and most importantly (to me), I want to do it without pain relief. No epidural, no gas and air. He'a always known this was very important to me and that when giving birth I want to be in the mindset that pain relief is not an option. I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally, but this has always been an important factor for me and I hate the thought of feeling numb.

DP keeps saying that I'll never make it through, that I've not had an easy time in this pregnancy to begin with (low iron levels resulting in me fainting quite often + all the usual stuff that comes with pregnancy) and that I can't handle the pain. Not even a tiny bit of encouragement; it's like he's already decided that I am going to fail what I am trying to prepare myself for, and was hoping for his support.

I was hoping to labour in a birthing pool if the pain got intense. He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

I was hoping to give birth in this nice, nearby maternity ward where the midwives would be there to support me through a natural birth without pain relief. He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

I am just so frustrated. It feels like everything I mention about the way I want to deliver is being mocked and laughed at. It's not just him though, it's my own parents as well. They're all lovely in every other way and couldn't do enough for me, but they make me feel like an absolute idiot when I talk about how I want to give birth. Am I just being totally U and should wisen up a bit or am I right in expecting a bit of support?

[Ketayuzu]

He doesn't sound like a dick. He sounds concerned. Remember neither of you have done it before. You'll see the comments- people have done it. Hypnobirthing, water birth and tens machines are good ideas to plan for but i had gas and air. I needed it.
Don't exclude things- you'll hear enough that birth plans are just ideal scenarios not definites. The most important things is you are relaxed and not stressing about not being supported.
Talk to him and explain you need to feel supported. Stress is the biggest pain amplifier (which is not to say epidurals and drugs are unhelpful!)

[mirime]

@AngelsSins

Are you for real?! There is only one side of the story, HERS. She is the one giving birth, he doesn’t even need to be there. This isn’t an equal opportunities event.

Well there's two sides what is happening NOW. We have her interpretation of events, we don't have her husbands. He might be shocked at how she sees his reaction and may not realise how he's coming across and he will have his own view on how she's coming across to him.

Of course, ultimately, it is her decision.

[Justaboy]

I bet - he's probally quietly shitting himself with worry and probally too been reading all the wrong stuff from Dr Google!.

Don't know quite what you can do to change his mind but brave lady for wanting it to be as natural as possible:) But i do hope he will be there during the event and whilst there be amazed at the profound event giving birth is!

Anyway hope it all goes well and enjoy the young 'un!

[DailyMailFail101]

Your body, your choice, you know yourself better than anybody and if you think you can do it then go for it!

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

But why is the birth so bloody important ? It’s literally such a short period of time in a parents life . It’s a minuscule percentage and the output is a baby

Why is not having pain relief so inportant ? Birth hurts you might need it . You might not . It doesn’t matter . The baby and your health does

Don’t set such high expectations and relax . It will be what it will be

[juneau]

I had a natural birth the second time, no interventions whatsoever, and it was amazing. If that is what you want, stick to your guns. It's not always possible to have a natural birth, and you should be open-minded and see how you go, but it's worth aiming for natural if that's what you want.

[cansu]

Obviously how you give birth is entrely up to you but it sounds like he is trying to get you to engage in a more realistic approach to the experience.
Most women do need to have some pain relief.
Birth does not always go according to plan.
Your body has never given birth before so you have absolutely no reference point for the pai or for how you and your body will cope.

He sounds very sensible really. He may respond better if you discuss being open to making decisions based on circumstances at the time. No one takes pain relief before they need it. If you had a plan of aiming for as little intervention as possible but accepting that the situation may change, he may feel more comfortable with your approach.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Also find out what he is scared of worried about here ? As I bet He is secretly anxious

[iamyourequal]

OP I think your DP could choose more supportive words in his birth discussions with you, but I think he is just being a realist. I too had a birth plan for a water birth and minimal pain relief. Surely any pain would be bearable for the birth of my own baby? All I can say is none of us know how painful labour will be, or how we will experience and deal with that pain. You need to prepare to accept pain relief if you need it. The vast majority of women need it. The wonderful minority who manage without pain relief are probably far more likely to post their experience on this thread to support you. I wish you a straightforward birth and I’m sure your DP will be a great support on the day. It’s a very tough experience for them too.

[Curtainshopping]

I’ve seen many threads on here where women beat themselves up over their birth because it didn’t go how they wanted and they feel a failure.

It’s fine to have an idea of what you’d like but do not get hung up on a particular plan.

[RedForFilth]

Also wanted to say be open minded to pain relief. Too many women see it as failing to use pain relief and I've no idea why!
I didn't want anything too strong so I was out of it and I was terrified of the idea od an epidural. However, I was induced and couldn't have a waterbirth. Baby's heart rate kept dropping and I had no break in between contractions. I genuinely thought I was going to die! I had gas and air, I would have had the whole lot but I couldn't physically speak due to the pain!

However, make sure your boyfriend knows a birth partner is supposed to be on your side and advocate for you if you require them to. I'd at least have a second birth partner who was respectful if my choices and strong enough to stand my ground for me!

[RedForFilth]

Oh and the baby was back to back just to top it off

[Peakypush]

I wanted a birth like that for my first. I wasn't eligible for the midwife-led unit so had to give birth in hospital. I was disappointed but god was I grateful when the labour went pear shaped. I think if you don't want to give birth in a hospital you should make sure you're very very close to one as things can and do go wrong out of nowhere and yours and your babies lives are what's most important. Sorry, I'm not trying to scare you at all but it's was touch and go for my daughter and had I not been in a very good hospital I shudder to think what the outcome would be.

[clumsyduck]

How will you feel if you end up wanting pain relief though are you going to beat yourself up ?? I don't understand why women put so much pressure on themselfs ?? He is probably just nervous about it and for you

Just have an open mind , I did and despite a long labour , massive stuck baby an emergency section I still remember it as the most amazing experience

[Witchend]

My birth plans were #1 no pain relief (had epidural)
#2 epidural put in about week 36 to make sure it was in in time
#3 no birth plan as neither the other two had been followed at all.

[berryboots]

Thanks for all the comments and support - still going through all of them to reflect. DP has by the way admitted that he is also worried that going drugfree will put me off having more children in the future.

I know there's no gold medals or special treatments for women who do it without pain relief and I am absolutely open to the idea of going to the hospital/getting drugs if a potentially dangerous situation arises.

I don't think I would feel like more of a woman if I do have a drugfree birth - or maybe I would. As dumb as it sounds, I keep thinking of my tough-as-nails ancestors who had to go through the very same thing without relying on gas and air... and I admire them! DP says I am born in the wrong time.

On a serious note, I can appreciate that he is worried, but it is hard for me to empathise with his worries when he has no interest in educating himself.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" I keep thinking of my tough-as-nails ancestors who had to go through the very same thing without relying on gas and air... and I admire them!"

well , yeh sure, but they also died in childbirth a lot didn't they? I mean we don't live in the dark ages....
I think you are admirable, but...please just keep an open mind re painkillers...
xx

[clumsyduck]

Our ancestors went through a lot that we wouldn't have to because of medical advances ! I had an accident last year and had to have surgery in my foot I wouldn't fancy sticking a rag in my mouth while they chopped my foot off though

I just see stuff on here where women are feeling down because they didn have the right birth / couldn't breastfeed etc . I just want to tell them to stop! I think part of why I enjoy being a mum is I don't pile pressure on its hard enough as it is . It's also amazing and a big deal bringing a life into the world you don't need to focus on stuff like "no pain relief"

So I would just say go for it if that's what you want but have an open mind in that you may decide you do want pain relief and see that choice as the minor thing it really is in the grand scheme of meeting your baby!!

[Josieannathe2nd]

You need to believe you can do it and you sound like you do!

Some women do need or prefer pain relief but with just gas & air I ended up with a much more positive ‘less painful’ experience than many of my friends who technically had more pain relief.

Go into it positively, definitely don’t think of it as failing if you do need pain relief, but also don’t worry about it- the Midwives will be there to support you and transfer you of needed.

[Lazypuppy]

I had no pain relief, always planned to have gas and air but took so long yo get to 4cm dilated so i could have it i didn't need it as i was in a rhythm of breathing through the pain

[Dobbythesockelf]

How many women during the same time as your ancestors died in childbirth? How many of them lost children during childbirth? I think you are looking at childbirth in history through rose tinted glasses there.
You really shouldn't get too held up on this idea of a drug free birth or that it makes you tougher if you do it without pain relief. You need to sit down with your dh and maybe a midwife and talk through everything to do with Labour so you both have a clearer understanding of the process and options available.

[Tillytrotter123]

I agree with the pp. You can have a birth plan however don't feel disappointed if it doesn't go as you expect. Warm water is a massive pain relief and it was working for me until my baby needed to be delivered quickly, then I needed an epidural, episiotomy and forceps. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy. Whatever happens, when you see your baby it will be the most magical moment in your life and whatever it takes to get them here will be worth it.

[clumsyduck]

when you see your baby it will be the most magical moment in your life and whatever it takes to get them here will be worth it.

This . This is all that does and should matter !

[GinIsIn]

Ok that second post is just stupid. Do you refuse antibiotics or surgery because your ancestors didn’t have access to them? How about education? Or the internet?

Before you fall out with your DP over this,
You may want to check with your midwife as if it’s not been an easy pregnancy then you may not be eligible for MLU.

[OwlinaTree]

Your plan sounds very aspirational. My concern would be that you might feel you have 'failed' in some way if things don't work out that way. No-one has any idea how their body is going to cope with child birth. It really is luck of the draw.

Child birth is one day of your child's life and your life as a parent. There's so much more long term stuff to try to get right. Having a text book birth experience is lovely but is really not massively important in the big scheme of things.

I'd stick to having a few preferences and be open minded. My first ended up with me being induced, so all my active birth plans went out of the window! Then I had 2 sections. My babies are with me, that is the most important outcome.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you, and you and your dp can talk about this and come to an agreement.