To wish DP could be a bit more supportive of my birth choices?

[berryboots]

I'm 7 months pregnant with DP and I's first child. He's generally been pretty supportive throughout the whole thing, but now that I've slightly started preparing for how I'd like to give birth, I am being met with what feels like a total lack of support.

First of all and most importantly (to me), I want to do it without pain relief. No epidural, no gas and air. He'a always known this was very important to me and that when giving birth I want to be in the mindset that pain relief is not an option. I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally, but this has always been an important factor for me and I hate the thought of feeling numb.

DP keeps saying that I'll never make it through, that I've not had an easy time in this pregnancy to begin with (low iron levels resulting in me fainting quite often + all the usual stuff that comes with pregnancy) and that I can't handle the pain. Not even a tiny bit of encouragement; it's like he's already decided that I am going to fail what I am trying to prepare myself for, and was hoping for his support.

I was hoping to labour in a birthing pool if the pain got intense. He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

I was hoping to give birth in this nice, nearby maternity ward where the midwives would be there to support me through a natural birth without pain relief. He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

I am just so frustrated. It feels like everything I mention about the way I want to deliver is being mocked and laughed at. It's not just him though, it's my own parents as well. They're all lovely in every other way and couldn't do enough for me, but they make me feel like an absolute idiot when I talk about how I want to give birth. Am I just being totally U and should wisen up a bit or am I right in expecting a bit of support?

[FullOfJellyBeans]

I can kind of understand that he wants to be in the hospital for emergencies if he's anxious about things going wrong. In terms of being supportive though YANBU. I would suggest that while it's obviously important to you to do it as naturally as possible don't go set yourself up to think of it as a failure if plans change. Remember your first aim is to deliver the baby safely, of course after that you'd like your experience of your birth to be positive.

I would explain to him that it's fine that he's aired his opinion but you'd appreciate his support now and he needs to be more positive.

[Puttingthefootdown]

I work on the labour ward and a birth centre & I can absolutely say YANBU.

Women don't realise their own strength untill they need to use it. Birth plans rarely go accordingly. But the whole point in a birthing partner is complete support, and if he isn't going to be that support he doesn't need to be there.

You have to remember the birth is about you! Of course it's his baby yada yada. But you will ultimately be making all the decisions. Your midwife will support and encourage you in the safest way possible.

She will never tell you, you can't do this or that. So if a birthing partner saying all tjis to you, it will only knock your confidence.

It may well be that you need pain relief in the end. That doesn't mean you are less of a women or whatever BS people think. It just means you needed a helping hand.

Which is what you should be getting from everyone supporting you.

Tell him how you feel and show him this thread.

[3boysandabump]

I would quite honestly choose a different birth partner. You really don't need that sort of negative attitude in the delivery room. As for him not listening to you moan about the water temp etc he should count himself lucky if that's all he has to listen to.
Seriously though If you definitely want him there please have somebody else there to counteract his negativity tell him to shut the fuck up

[LouHotel]

I planned a water birth/No pain relied.

Then as other have in this thread, baby had a poo inside and it was on the drip and water birth off the table.

I still had no pain relief but it wasn't by choice in the end as I was desperate for methadone but it was too late to give me any before I started pushing.

The best birth plans are to have it as a guide, you start to talk to your midwife about your plan at 36 weeks, can do go with you so he feels part of the discussion but ultimately it is your choice.

[Audree]

How you end up giving birth is beside the point.
Ask for support. This is the single most important thing in your life and your dh should keep his opinions to himself. You will remember forever how you are treated by your dh, your mw or doctor and your family at this most vulnerable moment.
Good luck. And congrats

[Iwantaunicorn]

YANBU. When I was pregnant with my twins, DH was (at the beginning) basically forcing a c section down my throat, he’d read it was safer, blah blah, and we argued over it. Luckily he wised up, and backed off saying it’s my body, my choice, he’ll support me however I wanted to give birth, and defend me if needed to anyone who opposed my choice.

I do second PP who say don’t get too fixed upon an all natural birth, anything can happen and it can lead to feelings of disappointment and upset if you don’t have the birth you want.

In the end I booked in for an induction, and changed my mind at the 11th hour and had an ELCS which was absolutely brilliant, and perfect for the four of us. I hope you get the birth you want!

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

it's totally up to you. He doesn't get to make decisions or undermine you, he just gets to hold your hand, wherever you have decided that will be.
however....please don't be tooooo sure you wont want pain relief...:)

[LouHotel]

*pethidine!

[WhatisaNarwhal]

I had a drug free labour and birth.
My then DP was skeptical but supportive - although he didn’t want to do the hypnobirthing with me, which was fine by me- I was confident that I would be able to manage, and I think that it was the confidence more than anything that carried me (and my exDP!) through what turned out to be a wonderful (if in no way as planned) labour.

Don’t look to your partner to affirm your belief in the possibility of a drug free labour - hold that belief internally, work on your hypnobirthing, and just ask your partner to advocate for you as requested if needs be. If you don’t trust him to advocate for you in the way you would want, you need a doula or a different partner.

[Sofiathefirst2346]

My plan was same as yours, no pain relief, pool birth, MLU. I ended up needing to be transferred after I’d laboured all day in the pool but I still refused all pain relief. Ended up with a natural birth with a ten pound plus baby. Plan was same again for second baby. Slight deviation in that I used the pool at the hospital but no pain relief and natural birth with a second ten pound plus baby.

Stick to your guns. Don’t even discuss it with him if that’s his attitude, and maybe think about having another birth partner as well as or instead of who will act as your advocate xx

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I am someone who never got any birth choices whatsoever. Both children had to arrive in a certain way to keep everyone alive. And that was that.

Please try to thing of your choices as preferences. There is no 'failure' when it comes to birth. There are just different process and outcomes, so of which you may be able to choose or influence and some of which you may not.

It sounds like your dp could be dealing with this better but your approach doesn't sound very flexible and he may just be frustrated that you aren't considering the reality of how uncertain childbirth can be.

Good luck - I hope it all works out the way you want!

[TheProvincialLady]

MLU may not be an option if your iron levels stay so low but whatever your options are, they are YOUR options and your partner has no more right to insist on anything than you would have regarding his vasectomy. Don’t argue with him, just tell him he can either support you or you’ll find someone else to be there with you.

[lulu12345]

I did no pain relief, absolutely not by choice, but because it all happened so quickly second time round there wasn’t the time..

I’m in awe of you and others like you that are brave enough to want to plan to do it this way, I was way too cowardly, but in the end up I managed it just fine!

Anyway all I wanted to say was you should think hard about who you have as a birthing partner if you do go ahead with no drugs. If your partner is already not very supportive, that might be a sign that he’s not the type to be able to keep you calm and do what’s needed of him to help you through a drug-free birth. You don’t necessarily need to exclude him but maybe think about having a doula or someone else experienced and supportive along with you!

[pastabest]

I had a very straightforward birth in a birthing centre with DC1 and I'm hoping for the same with DC2 in a few weeks. I'm definitely pro birthing centres for low risk pregnancies.

You really can't plan anything about giving birth, and whilst I agree that he shouldn't be dismissing your plans at the same time you need to accept that some or all of your plans are highly likely to go out of the window at some point.

I didn't have any written plans as such but I knew I wanted to labour in the pool and I knew I was happy to use gas and air as pain relief.

Neither of those things happened, my labour progessed quicker than the midwives were anticipating (I think they forgot I was there as I was the only woman on the unit at the time) so by the time I was able to ask for the pool to be run there wasn't time to fill it before I gave birth let alone any opportunity to labour in it. For the same reason I only got gas and air for the final 30 mins of pushing and the stitches afterwards.

I also thought I would want to go straight home afterwards but because DC1 had some meconium in the waters we were transferred to the hospital for overnight observations and I was so glad we were because it suddenly dawned on me that I had no fucking idea what to do with this tiny baby.

So I think you need to make some compromises with yourself otherwise you are probably going to end up feeling like you've 'failed' if it doesn't go how you want it to go.

Gas and air is wonderful by the way. It doesn't really take the pain away it just makes you not care about it. The affect wears off as soon as you stop taking it. Having done it myself I don't recommend doing it without pain relief if you have a choice. No one gives out prizes at the end

[Amanduh]

He is BU not listening to what you want but YABU being so stuck in your ways to a birth plan. What if things go wrong, you have a 3 day labour and all you want is to be numb, baby isn’t safe and you can’t go to a midwife unit? There needs to be give and take for both of you.

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh and you have the right to be as inflexible in your painkiller choice as you like. You might change your mind if things don’t go easily but being inflexible now won’t mean you can’t change your mind at the time. And you may not. Again, this has very little to do with him. If all he can think about is how HE might feel if you’re in pain, he’s pretty selfish.

[TooMuchGreys]

I wouldn’t completely rule out gas and air. I understand you wanting to avoid drugs and epidural, I was exactly the same, but as a previous poster said, gas and air is out of your system straight away. It really helped just take the edge off the pain and refocus my breathing. You have absolutely no idea how the birth is going to go and it might be a good idea to consider it if things really ramp up. In my birth plan I said gas and air only, do not offer me any other pain relief. This way everyone knew what I wanted and they thought of other ways to help, walking around, breathing excercises, music, distractions, massage etc.

Do you have a high threshold for pain? It sounds like your husband and parents don’t think that you do and maybe this explains their attitude towards your plan? Will they offer a birthing pool at the hospital? It could be a nice middle ground to make both of you feel comfortable.

Perhaps write up a birth plan and both of you can discuss it with your midwife? Then the midwife can maybe provide him with some impartial reassurance.

[Daddystepdaddy]

In my experience birth plans go out of the window pretty quickly when Labour starts. Of course your DP should be supportive but that doesn't mean just being a 'yes man'. Nor is It fair to expect your DP just to do what he's told as it sounds like he has some real concerns about your plans and is struggling to articulate them properly. I think you need to have a proper grown up conversation about these things and perhaps discuss them together with a health professional.

[VivaKondo]

Your choices are yours and yours only.
Your DP and your parents have no right to put a judgement on them, let alone tell you there is no way you will be able to do it!

I would remind your DP that this is YOUR body and therefore your choice. Just as you wouldn't interferre in his plan if he was having surgery on his balls.
I would also tell him that if he can’t be more supportive of your choice, yiu will find another birth partner/doula. Not to be snippy but one thing you will need when you are giving birth is someone who can be your voice and support you in your choices. It looks like he will do the opposite and defend what he thinks should happen, his choices, rather than yours. That’s a surE way for you to end up feeling not listen to and make the experience an unpleasant one. (Something you might want to highlight to him too).
Id be livid if my H has been so dismissive of my choices.

[corcaithecat]

YABU if you think you have any real control over the process. Your DH and parents are just trying to be realistic. It's nice to have a rough plan but it's best to be flexible in the event of the birthing pool being unavailable or if you need forceps etc.
Also, there's no medals or awards given out for having the coolest birth that month, so if you change your mind about having drugs or a hospital intervention during the procedure, no-one's going to penalise you. Just don't leave it too late to ask!
I had a plan for gentle hypnobirthing then had to be induced as I was 2 weeks overdue and huge. After what felt like an eternity, had an epidural, which in the event was a godsend as they used forceps at the end to get him out.
But none of that seems remotely important now so try not to get het up about the perfect birth. There's really no such thing.

[chocolateworshipper]

It's entirely possible that the thought of seeing you in pain scares him. Men generally don't like to admit to being scared, so he could be laughing it off to cover up how he really feels.

No one looked at my birth plan once I got into hospital, which didn't actually matter in the end because everything went wrong and I had a c-section.

[Daddystepdaddy]

VivaKondo I think most decent men would react pretty negatively to being effectively told to f*#k off. I don't think that is helpful advice at all.

The example of the surgery is pretty spurious in many ways, but I bet most women would express a concerned opinion if they felt that surgery was uneccessary or being done in a way that might pose risks to their partners. I also expect that many women would want that opinion taken seriously by their partners.

[BodgingThisMumThing]

That was my exact birthing plan, that is exactly what happened too. BUT I’m very very lucky that it went the way I wanted. It can happen though, I didn’t plan not to have pain relief, my midwife just didn’t give me any, bar some paracetamol

[Bramble71]

I think it's wrong of your partner to dismiss your preferences, but he would be remiss not to discuss pain relief with you. I think you both need to sit down and discuss it seriously, if you haven't already and I also believe you shouldn't be quite so rigid, too.

[VivaKondo]

I don’t agree Daddy
First of all, I hate all the ‘poor him, he is just worried but doesn’t know how to say it’. These comments were dismissive and showing he hasn’t listen to the OP at all.
One of the things that have happened during the pregnancy will have any consequences in the birth itself.
The comments about her complaining abiut the temperature of the water shows no respect for the OP (its basically saying that she is always complaining and for no reason too). And it also shows a total lack of knowledge (the temperature has to be precise for the baby to be safe dur8ng the birth - there is no choice in the matter).
As for the ‘you can’t handle pain anyway’ is crap.
As for ‘being in the right hands’, home birth is actually the safest way to give birth! Not the hospital. So the OP staying at the nice midwife led unit is actually safer.

So basically he is acting as he knew better than the OP, is putting her down in her choices whilst proving he actually doesn’t know what he is talking about. ...