To wish DP could be a bit more supportive of my birth choices?

[berryboots]

I'm 7 months pregnant with DP and I's first child. He's generally been pretty supportive throughout the whole thing, but now that I've slightly started preparing for how I'd like to give birth, I am being met with what feels like a total lack of support.

First of all and most importantly (to me), I want to do it without pain relief. No epidural, no gas and air. He'a always known this was very important to me and that when giving birth I want to be in the mindset that pain relief is not an option. I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally, but this has always been an important factor for me and I hate the thought of feeling numb.

DP keeps saying that I'll never make it through, that I've not had an easy time in this pregnancy to begin with (low iron levels resulting in me fainting quite often + all the usual stuff that comes with pregnancy) and that I can't handle the pain. Not even a tiny bit of encouragement; it's like he's already decided that I am going to fail what I am trying to prepare myself for, and was hoping for his support.

I was hoping to labour in a birthing pool if the pain got intense. He laughs at the idea, says it's not gonna help anything and says he's not gonna sit there and listen to me when I complain about the water being too hot/cold/whatever.

I was hoping to give birth in this nice, nearby maternity ward where the midwives would be there to support me through a natural birth without pain relief. He insists we go to the hospital as we'd be in the correct hands rights to begin with in case things go wrong.

I am just so frustrated. It feels like everything I mention about the way I want to deliver is being mocked and laughed at. It's not just him though, it's my own parents as well. They're all lovely in every other way and couldn't do enough for me, but they make me feel like an absolute idiot when I talk about how I want to give birth. Am I just being totally U and should wisen up a bit or am I right in expecting a bit of support?

[Namechange128]

He is very very unreasonable to laugh at you, whatever you plan.

Totally separately, I also planned a drug free natural birth - and got an emergency section for before labour even started and it really freaked me out as I was so unprepared for intervention. (Second time around I got my hippy VBAC). It's good to be flexible, to allow you to make the best of what happens to you and your baby on the day. Congratulations!

[GabsAlot]

he should be discussing it with you not telling you u wont like this and that

but be prepared for a plan b-its all well and good saying no pain relief all natural-my dsis wanted a pool birth no drugs ended up haemorraging and having a c section and she had a pretty straight forward pregnancy

what will be will be

[GreenMeerkat]

Can I ask why you have decided to refuse all pain relief? Genuine question as I'm interested in your views.

Can understand epidural but no gas and air?

[FASH84]

He should support your wishes, and his tone is unacceptable, but you also need to listen to his concerns especially around the hospital. I think so many of you are very brave having no pain relief. I'm pregnant with my first and when DH asked me what kind of delivery I want I said 'i want all the drugs', I think he was a bit surprised by that, I'm generally a strong confident person, but in all honesty if I could just be knocked out and skip the labour I would. The after effects of an elective c section, not lifting or driving etc, and being awake during are what put me off of that. So if I'm going to do this, and evidently I am I want every drug they can give me. If I'm a bit out of it for the birth so be it, I've got a lifetime to bond with baby.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I wanted a pool birth but ended up with an emergency C section under general anaesthetic. I was alive, baby was alive, it was a success. Birth is a means to an end.

By all means aim for hypnobirthing without pain relief, but the important thing is having your baby. Your DH is being U to be so unsupportive, but I can see why he might worry.

[VivaKondo]

Daddy where did I say that he should f*k off??
I didn’t speak like this in RL. I certainly didn’t in my posts either.

However, this is the woman’s body. And no the partner has no right in what she decides to do with her body when she ismgiving birth.
You can discuss all you want. It’s a good thing.
But he has no right to tell her what will happen and where she has to give birth (eg hospital vs midwife led unit). Nor does he have the right to be so dismissive and disrespectful.

She isn’t putting the life of their baby in danger. She is doing everything within the guidelines of the midwifes. Why putting her down for doing so??

[Inertia]

Yanbu to have a plan for the ideal birth. Things might not work out like that, but as long as you are prepared for a possible change of plan if circumstances require it, then go for what you would like.

Your partner absolutely should not be taunting you and mocking your choices- and why is he making it all about what he is willing to tolerate while you are in labour?

He doesn't sound as though he will be a supportive birth partner who puts you first - could you have someone else as your birth partner if it comes to it?

[Daddystepdaddy]

We have one side of the story with limited information. I'm not the one suggesting that the OP potentially ruins their relationship with their DP based on that.

Like my original advice, I think they need to have a discussion about this with a health professional and realise the birth plans are wishes only in reality.

[grandplans]

could you have someone else as your birth partner if it comes to it?

Excellent suggestion. Can you get a doula? (Could be as well as or instead of).

[Daddystepdaddy]

Please reread my post I said your advice would effectively amount to being told to f#*k off and that is how most men would perceive it.

Expressing an opinion on something is not telling someone what to do. The OP has every right to ignore that opinion. She however does nit have every right to expect her DP to be happy about it.

[Babdoc]

If you want to deliver in a midwife unit instead of a hospital, what is your back up plan for major haemorrhage or severe fetal distress, and how long is the transfer time to hospital in an emergency, as midwives cannot perform caesareans or forceps deliveries? What if you find that you can't cope with the pain - there is no anaesthetist or epidural service in stand alone midwife units?
Your DH is probably worried about your comfort, safety and survival. That is not unreasonable of him, and maybe you need to think about his concerns and discuss them with him.
As previous PPs have said, labour is unpredictable. There is no such thing as a low risk delivery, except in retrospect. It might all go swimmingly with no pain relief required, or it might become suddenly life threatening for you, the baby, or both. Don't be too rigid in your planning, and don't feel you've failed if nothing goes to plan on the day.
I've put thousands of epidurals into exhausted women who never imagined that labour would go on so long or be so painful - and many of them had optimistic natural birth plans involving whale music and chanting!

[MissP103]

Op no one is going to give you a gold medal for not having any pain relief or going natural. What happens if it turns out riskier than you think?

[Sunnymeg]

Giving birth is such a totally different experience for everybody. When my midwife asked me what I wanted from the birth the answer was a healthy baby and a healthy mum. That's the end goal. I went through labour with no pain relief, I have high pain thresholds but had no expectations as I'd never given birth before, I don't say this to show off and if I'd needed an epidural I would have been asking for one like everyone else, I'm saying it to illustrate that you really do not know what is going to happen Be open to advice and go with the flow.

[mirime]

Yanbu, but I'd caution against saying definitely no pain relief in your birth plan - I said no epidural, but that I'd have pethidine if needed as I wanted to be able to move about, well that didn't happen, I was induced, pain eventually went from ow that's uncomfortable to agony in minutes and when I begged for an epidural the midwives chose that moment to want to stick to my birth plan

I got the epidural in the end, after the pethidine and a lot of confusion & distress for me.

Maybe do your "ideal birth" birth plan, but add bits for if things don't go according to plan - e.g. you'd like to be asked again about pain relief if you need any intervention such as the oxytocin drip.

[CaMePlaitPas]

OP, why are you talking to him about how you're going to get the baby out of you? Everything is your choice, your decision. He's already shown himself to be an arse so just get on with it your way!

[Bea1985]

I planned a natural active birth with no drugs. Had a 73 hour labour(not including latent labour!) , baby back to back, became very unwell/exhausted and had an epidural otherwise I would have ended up with an EMCS. I think your goals are respectable but be open to your plans changing ! It's important to be flexible . Gas and air doesn't make you numb so I really wouldn't rule out all pain relief. Your DH should be more supportive though, midwife lead units can offer excellent support . Good luck OP.

[AngelsSins]

We have one side of the story with limited information.

Are you for real?! There is only one side of the story, HERS. She is the one giving birth, he doesn’t even need to be there. This isn’t an equal opportunities event.

[robotcartrainhat]

YANBU
You may end up needing pain relief as sometimes that does happen for various reasons..... but then again you may not. Your partner should be supporting and encouraging you, not trying to scare you!!
And hes talking utter shit about the birthing pool..... they are genuinely really helpful to a lot of women for pain, especially at the crowning stage, they really help tone down the stinging.

[namechangemynameagain]

In the nicest possible way you get the birth you are given so you need to keep an open mind.

With such a rigid birth plan you risk feeling like a failure if you need pain relief or intervention.

[mishfish]

I accidentally gave birth to my third at home with no pain relief and nearly no midwife (extremely fast labour but planned Home birth). I have never felt so scared or vulnerable in my entire life and it left me really struggling to bond with my child. Please don’t put a drug free birth on any type of pedestal as you have no idea how it will go or feel at the time. Have your options available to you- you’ll feel worse ending up with an epidural if you’re so strongly anti pain relief now than if you go in with an open mind. No one is going to give you a medal, pat on the head or thank you for doing it without.

[robotcartrainhat]

and just to add that all types of pain relief have different effects on different women. I massively regret using gas and air as it had a very very bad effect on me and did not help manage my pain at all.
What works for one woman can be terrible for the next. So no one can really tell you what you SHOULD do!
Go for what you think will be beneficial to you... if its to stick to no drugs then go for it. Things might not pan out that way in the end but you know your body and the way it reacts to pain best... if you think youd be best in a pool then have a go with that.

For me bizarrely the most helpful thing in my labour was music! I wasnt expecting that to be the case, but I actually found focusing on music more helpful than the gas and air. Sadly I had not brought much music with me as I hadnt thought it would help me, just took a bit because someone insisted I should.

[Daddystepdaddy]

It isn't, but their relationship is and that will continue to exist in some form after the birth is over. What that form will be is dependent on how both act towards each other.

If there are concerns genuinely motivated by care then they would be best being allayed by speaking to a health professional so they can get the facts.

The OP says she feels that she is being mocked but that doesn't mean she is. It is typical for someone to feel defensive when someone close to them doesn't agree with them on something.

[mirime]

@CaMePlaitPas if he's going to be present it's quite handy if he knows what she wants as he may need to help her put her views across if necessary. That is something they need to talk about, if he's going to a supportive birth partner.

I get that, if this is out of character, he is probably scared, but he's really not expressing himself in a helpful way. My dh just went quiet and said it was up to me.

[jaseyraex]

He should absolutely be supportive of your plan, but you should be reminding yourself to stay open minded. It's great to have an idea of what you would like to happen, but also to be prepared if it doesn't go to plan. Labour and birth are so unpredictable. I was very much the same as you OP. I ended up being induced, having an epidural, and ending in an emergency c section. I didn't want any of that but that's what happened, that's what was nessecary at the time. Your partner is being a dick to laugh off your plan, perhaps sit down and discuss your plan and also discuss what you'd like to happen if it doesn't go to plan.

[GnotherGnu]

I'm guessing this sounds pretty naive to most of you who've given birth naturally,

Well, since you ask - yes. I had firm ideas about no pain relief, but reached a point when I simply couldn't go on without it; and, in the event, the baby turned out to be occipito posterior necessitating a big episiotomy and forceps, and I'd have had to have some major pain relief anyway. And, despite all that, it was still a great experience. Please don't get over-invested in the idea that you will have failed if you have pain relief.