To think that adopting a child isn’t like going shopping

[Cheeseplease73]

Friend of mine probably can’t have kids so has decided to adopt. I spoke to her about it recently and she basically said she only wants to adopt a boy, around 2 years old as they won’t be too damaged (her words) and will still belong to them even though they are adopted.

Aibu to be slightly by her attitude. She made it sound like adoption was like going shopping.

Once she looks into it and starts having assessment interviews she will realise better how it works

Oh boy. Has she been to any orientation sessions or talked with social workers yet?

@kokeshi no, no yet!

In a sense you are allowed to state preferences. But being that specific is daft and shocking.

Don't worry about, no-one with that attitude would pass the assessments necessary to adopt.

I think she needs to do some serious research into adoption. She has no idea the amount of lasting 'damage' that a 2 year old could have suffered. They don't take babies from loving caring households. Even a newborn could have drug addiction etc. Maybe point her in the direction of the adoption boards on here.

Yanbu, but I think all parents have unrealistic ideas before having children - imagining they'll have a particular sex, age gap, etc, etc. Then you get what you get, and that's that.

I wouldnt worry because with her attitude i dont think she will get very far with the adoption process.

When you start the process, you go through an extremely in depth process. Part of that process is to discover what age child or children you would best suited to. Some people think they'd be best placed to adopt older children and others have a preference to experience the baby phase.

As an adopter though, I can let you now that unfortunately a lot of "damage" takes place in utero before the baby is even born so age of adoption doesn't necessarily mean anything in my experience.

For me, it was how she talked about children like they were possessions that bothered me. Like a tick box exercise and with a slightly entitled attitude. Like we can’t have kids of our own so we’ll ‘just’ adopt like it’s a handy fall back plan. Really made me

Maybe back in the "dark ages" of adoption. Now days usually potional adoptive parents are picked that meet the childs criteria.Older parents usually get older kids etc. Children can still have problems due to their past even at 2 or under. Hate that word damaged.they aren't a ornament that you can send back if it displeased you or a you can a reduction on.

Agree totally cheese please 3.

Nothing wrong with a bit of "child window shopping" .
Reality will hit soon enough!!!

Has it occurred to you that she is being blase about it because actually it really fucking hurts not being able to have your own children? I have lost track of the number of times I've been told I should 'just' adopt.

I don't know, I think most of us are pretty naive until actually reality hits. I had my idea list of what I wanted with kids too, assumed it would be relatively easy. It wasn't. I learnt to lower my expectations. I'm sure she will too

Cabawill just summed it up correctly.

If they go through the formal adoption process, a lot will be made clear to them.

Look up Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, it's shortened just to FAS sometimes. It means the child's mother was an alcoholic and kept drinking throughout the pregnancy.

Some drug addicted mothers smoke a couple of crack pipes before giving birth to help with labour pains.

Some babies go into withdrawal after being born because they are no longer getting the illicit drugs from their mother via the umbilical cord.

Mothers that have been subjected to stress i.e. domestic violence etc all through their pregnancy have already shown that they are not able to keep the baby safe. That's before it's even born.

Babies that have heard arguments, shouting, violence etc are traumatised and will carry that with them for a very long time.

There are fifty thousand children in the care system in Britain. That's a minimum of fifty thousand parents who cannot or will not parent their children properly. Well, unless they are dead or in prison or in residential health care.

There are regular stories of a child/ren that get murdered by their adoptive parent/s. No offence to the OP's friend.

It's easy to be critical of her views but many people wouldn't adopt, for the reasons she has mentioned. It's very easy to be critical of people in a position you will never find yourself in. I think the phrase people use on here is 'virtue signalling'.

You shouldn’t be judging your friend in a public forum for a comment she made to you in confidence. If anyone’s being an idiot it’s you.

Actually, in some ways it is like 'shopping'.
As someone who has fostered, I had to prepare a child for the adoption process.
That meant taking lots of high quality close ups of the child in various poses, for a huge hall where lots of approved-to-adopt people wandered around looking at photos of many different children.
Potential adoptees picked the child they felt a connection with according to the photos.

PenCobSwan
There are fifty thousand children in the care system in Britain. That's a minimum of fifty thousand parents who cannot or will not parent their children properly. Well, unless they are dead or in prison or in residential health care.

Clearly there are too many children in the care system but this statement is clearly wrong since some, probably many, people who have children in care have more than one child in care.

Couples with fertility problems are often told they should "just adopt". Many people who are pregnant or ttc have a preference for which sex.

Has it occurred to you that she is being blase about it because actually it really fucking hurts not being able to have your own children? I have lost track of the number of times I've been told I should 'just' adopt

This. You don't sound like much of a friend. Your attitude to infertility is as as her attitude to adoption

gosh she is well out of the picture isn't she? And even infants can suffer trauma that will effect their lives forever, adoption is no easy path even if you are successful.

HAs someone else has said she might be making very blasé comments to cover her hurt.

The adoption process will help her understand about the kinds of children in care and whether it is right for her so I wouldn’t worry.nshe has a hard time ahead so maybe a little support would be kinder.

It sounds like she is just being honest. When she gets into the process she will have a more realistic picture of things. She is already been realistic not expecting to be able to adopt a baby. There are also more boys up for adoption so again is being pretty realistic. It's great she wants to adopt and you should be more supportive.