Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that adopting a child isn’t like going shopping

53 replies

Cheeseplease73 · 23/05/2018 13:12

Friend of mine probably can’t have kids so has decided to adopt. I spoke to her about it recently and she basically said she only wants to adopt a boy, around 2 years old as they won’t be too damaged (her words) and will still belong to them even though they are adopted.

Aibu to be slightly Shock by her attitude. She made it sound like adoption was like going shopping.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 23/05/2018 13:56

I'm sorry but you are not coming across as a good friend. She's found out they can't have kids - its probably a huge blow to her. She's probably talking so casually about it because she is trying to convince herself its OK that she can't have kids and adopting is a good plan B. I know lots of people without infertility who hope their baby is going to be a boy...or a girl...whatever. She's sharing something with you - and you are judging her for it. I bet if you said to her if you can't have a 2yr old boy but were offered a 1yr girl that she would tell you should would say yes. You also have to understand that adopting is very different from giving birth to a baby - there is a huge settling in processes etc. If she works she will be expected to give it up for a long time - which you are obviously not expected to do if you give birth. There would be a lot of life changes she will need to make - she's just processing things out loud to someone she thought of as a friend.

Ketzele · 23/05/2018 13:57

I think you're both right and wrong, OP. Your friend clearly doesn't understand the realities of adoption - yet. That is probably true of most adopters, but the process of being assessed is demanding and informative and she will understand the realities before she is approved.

She's not being realistic in wanting a 2 year old boy. It's those wanting newborns who will be disappointed.

She is very wrong to think that a toddler won't be 'damaged' - but I adopted a 10 month old baby in the fond assumption that she would have escaped problems, that parenting her would be like parenting any other child. Boy, did I get that wrong. Nearly a decade later, we are still uncovering the damage caused by her in utero or very early life experiences. But I think all new parents travel hopefully - and then life happens. With adoption, that is especially true. But you also learn that 'normal' family life doesn't have to fit the picket fence pattern, that there will be joys as well as stresses. My advice to potential adopters is: don't think you can make bargains with god, or clever choices that allow you to dodge the bullets. Don't feel you have to martyr yourself either, or adopt a child who has needs you can't handle. It is far better to be realistic about what you are up for than it is to appear saintlike to the social workers. Be prepared to fight and fight and fight for your child, because you'll find that all the airy promises of post-adoption support will disappear like dreams.

Oh, and to whoever said, There are regular stories of a child/ren that get murdered by their adoptive parent/s. Really? Can you link to stats that show this happens at a higher rate than with biological parents? If not, what point are you trying to make?

Ketzele · 23/05/2018 13:58

Sorry, meant to say she's not being unrealistic wanting to adopt a 2 year old boy;

Racecardriver · 23/05/2018 13:58

I don't think that being so explicit about not wanting a 'damaged' child is within the reasons of being blaze to avoid talking about the pain of infertility. As someone who has children I would never want someone who thinks like that to adopt mine if anything ever happened to me. Adoption isn't just about meeting her needs to have a child, it is about meeting a child's needs for a home. You can't compare adoption to conception. When you talk about conception you are talking about potential children, when you are talking about adoption you are talking about real children who have been through a lot. It isn't OK to talk about them as if the older ones or the damaged ones somehow aren't good enough. Adoption, like any kind of entry into parenthood is a privallege and should be treated as such.

colditz · 23/05/2018 13:59

Mothers that have been subjected to stress i.e. domestic violence etc all through their pregnancy have already shown that they are not able to keep the baby safe.

How fucking dare you. You know nothing at all, you sound like a fourteen year old child writing an essay.

RomeoBunny · 23/05/2018 14:03

They are some of the first things you are asked OP. "What age/level of needs/sibling groups/ethnicity would you be willing to adopt".

So it's not just your friend that seems to be naïve. You do too Hmm

We just got to approval but then I some how (god fucking knows how after 12yrs of infertility) got pregnant.

siwel123 · 23/05/2018 14:05

Yes OP you do sound a bit mean.
Your friend can't have biological kids. Do you know what that does to people?

Strongmummy · 23/05/2018 14:08

It’s great she’s considering adoption (it’s not for everyone) but her views will be soon realigned once she gets into the process, trust me, so I wouldn’t be too concerned. What’s more important for her to consider (as well as the age of the child) is the type of abuse her son or daughter will have been subject to/the disability’s they may have and how she will deal with that .

MizCracker · 23/05/2018 14:09

She's allowed to be naive. God knows I was before I had my first child.

gillybeanz · 23/05/2018 14:10

The process will help her see what's acceptable and she will change her attitude, or she won't fare to well under assessment.

steppemum · 23/05/2018 14:10

I think you are all being a bit harsh.

The very reason that so many older kids are hard to adopt is that new adoptive parents don't want older kids who are more 'damaged'

and older in this case means over 4.

You are also allowed to express a preference for gender and age (most want baby girls Hmm)

LetsSplashMummy · 23/05/2018 14:13

It sounds like she is in the first steps of considering this path and is trying to reassure herself it will be okay. She is obviously worried about adopting, about taking on a child that might have a difficult background or about the child being old enough to remember a time before coming to her home. Perhaps when she has mentioned it before to other people, they have been a bit "doom and gloom," so she is trying to preempt this with covering the solutions. Only time will tell if this is her real attitude or a way of coping.

I think a decent friend would be helping reassure her and support her, instead of trying to prove a point or ridiculing her on a forum.

juneau · 23/05/2018 14:14

I doubt she'll pass the screening process. Some friends of ours (DW is lovely, but very disorganised and scatty, and her DH is a total bell-end), were rejected at the first panel meeting. You only hear about the people who successfully adopt - not all the ones who get rejected.

PuppyMonkey · 23/05/2018 14:16

I don’t think it’s at all wrong for your friend to state a preference for the age group she would like to adopt. However I do think she will need some very intense training on attachment disorder in abused and neglected children and babies before she goes ahead.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/05/2018 14:22

She is unwise to say it out loud, but the truth is that most adoptive parents prefer younger children, preferably babies or young toddlers.

When you say she "probably" can't have kids and "has decided" to adopt, I take it this is all theoretical and that she hasn't actually engaged with the process yet. If she does actually try to adopt, she will quickly acquire a whole new perspective and understanding.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 23/05/2018 14:23

I am an adoptive parent and DH and I went into the process wanting to adopt a child under 3.

By the end of our assessment there was a long list of conditions and backgrounds that we would or wouldn't want to cope with. This list was just like a shopping list and was very hard to complete but we had to honest with ourselves.

In the end we were approved as potential adopters to one or two children under 3 and that list ( plus loads of other info )was used to match us to our children. The second time we adopted we asked to be approved for one child under 18 months.

If you had a situation where children were just randomly allocated to adopters without taking the specific needs and wants of both parties into account it would be a disaster.

Also agree that that just because a child is a baby when adopted it won't mean that there won't be any issues. We adopted a 10 month old and we have had lots of problems over the years. The teenage years are uncovering all sorts of issues.

ArtBrut · 23/05/2018 14:29

There are regular stories of a child/ren that get murdered by their adoptive parent/s

Evidence, please.

OP, you're being a bit unfair. She could well be being flippant to cover enormous hurt and frustration, and even if she is this naive, that won't last past the initial information evening, which seems specifically designed to weed out the waverers and those with unrealistic expectations of getting a child who is 'guaranteed untraumatised and with no developmental issues.'

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 23/05/2018 14:45

Before I had kids I was going to have 2 children, a girl, then a boy and I had names etc picked out. Total idealistic view.

Didn't work that way but I love how things turned out anyway, as most parents do. Your friend is no different and will adjust her expectations accordingly.

You should probably drop her as a friend though, she needs support through this, not snidey people bitching about her.

InkSnail · 23/05/2018 15:06

Your friend has confided in you about what, at this time, she feels would be the most suitable way forward for her and her partner and what they have to offer. Surely that doesn't mean she thinks of it as "going shopping", but trusting you with her thoughts as she processes them? It also doesn't mean she is fixed on the one option, or unable to envisage changing her mind.

I think she's wanting you to be like a trusted sounding-board, to talk things through with. She's doing the right thing to be honest with herself, instead of just learning by rote what she thinks the assessors most want to hear.

Infertility can be devastating and I agree with Travis1 that if your friend now has a kind of protective shell around her, she may come across as flippant just because she is used to having to contain her emotions.

Excited101 · 23/05/2018 15:13

It’s probably her way of dealing with the scenario. If she’s anything like me she’s the sort to make slightly inappropriate jokes and comments at the worst possible time to lighten the load too... cut her some slack, she’s most probably trying to diffuse a lot of the awkwardness she’s probably feeling.

NotMeNoNo · 23/05/2018 15:27

Everyone has to start somewhere, a lot of the ins and outs you don't really get until you've started going to the information evenings. You do have the opportunity to give preferences which is weird but it does go into the matching process.

PenCobSwan · 25/05/2018 13:28

*Mothers that have been subjected to stress i.e. domestic violence etc all through their pregnancy have already shown that they are not able to keep the baby safe.

How fucking dare you. You know nothing at all, you sound like a fourteen year old child writing an essay.*

Whoa ! Can't really answer that as it's confidential. However, your know nothing angry response really made me smile.

PenCobSwan · 25/05/2018 13:32

*There are regular stories of a child/ren that get murdered by their adoptive parent/s

Evidence, please.*

Nah, can't be bothered. Save to say it happens but maybe not in your view of the world. Placement breakdown happens.

Oh alright, just for you I Googled this phrase: murdered by their adopted parents. There's page after page or evidence. Anecdotal of course Hmm

SerenDippitty · 25/05/2018 13:41

For me, it was how she talked about children like they were possessions that bothered me. Like a tick box exercise and with a slightly entitled attitude. Like we can’t have kids of our own so we’ll ‘just’ adopt like it’s a handy fall back plan. Really made me

Have you any idea how often people who can't have children are told "why don't you just adopt" , usually by people with no experience of either infertility or the adoption system?

mostdays · 25/05/2018 13:46

See your point, but I think hers is actually a far better starting point than an idealistic "I'd adopt any child, any sex, any age, any history, any disability" type one, tbh.