To discourage DS's friendship with this boy

[ALiensAbductedMe]

Genuinely not sure if I am unreasonable. I have a son (9) who is friends with another boy. The boy is high functioning autistic. I am friendly with the mother and we have younger cchildren the same age so often get together. When they play, the friends son is often rude to my son and will shout in his face. My son acknowledges that it's due to the autism and tries not to take it to heart. His younger sister (5) is awaiting a similar diagnosis so we have some insight.

My issue is that the boy will continue to be rude and mean to my son and his mother will never correct him, instead she just soothes him and cuddles him while he calls my son names and shouts. The most recent example was when we went there to play and the friend got cross over my son having won an award at school that day and refused to speak to him. My son ended up sitting and playing alone and was so disappointed he cried. When the friend and his mum saw this they just completely ignored he was upset and went and watched a film together. When I gently pointed out that he was crying and wanted to play the mum just cuddles him tighter while the boy says he hates him and shouts it loudly for my son to hear. The mother says nothing.

Now I have a 5 year old awaiting diagnosis as I said, and I know it can be tough when your child gets upset, but even at 5 I would not let my DD be mean or rude to her friends. She doesn't always understand social situations and how to cope with them, but I see my role as trying to guide her through them and develop strategies to cope and maintain the important relationships and friendships she has. Like my son's friend, despite the high functioning she does understand what acceptable behaviour is in terms of being mean, and when she doesn't understand or behaves in a way that is unacceptable it is still my job to teach her and correct her.

I have become a bit distant with this friend lately because although I do understand, I don't see that my son should keep being subjected to this behaviour. My son also needs to learn that being shouted at and called names is not ok and that he doesn't have to put up with it. So, am I being unreasonable in distancing myself, especially knowing that the boy doesn't have many friends as it is? WWYD?

I’d stop the play dates too. I wouldn’t want my DS hearing his friend say he hates him. Is put him first and let him choose who he wants to play with outside of school.

I've had identical experiences to this with my DS and his friend. I agree with stopping or drastically reducing the play dates. It's what I did and don't regret it for a second.

It's a rubbish friendship model for your DS to be screamed and and I'm sure there are other difficult things going on in the dynamic.

Really it's the poor parenting I hugely object to and if this mum is anything like my friend, there's no talking about it or reasoning so the only option is to distance. Shame really as he's a sweet boy but I it's hurtful and confusing for my DS and he always came off as the underdog which is not ok.

I agree with PPs. Be led by your son. He sounds an understanding and tolerant little boy and it's great you aren't writing off a friendship but wanting to ensure your DS doesn't end up with damaged boundaries where gets a message he is unimportant. And he plays with him at school.

But who is arranging playdates at hers and in what format? If it's not benefitting your DS as it is, and unpredictably causing him distress- which isn't acknowledged by other Mum- then don't arrange further playdates at hers without you there too. YANBU.

If you were there/ or were not at that time but go in future, you can always leave early... '"Gonna cut this short today as (my DS name) is upset and (your DS name) is upset today. Let's do another time..."

There's no judgement in that, just acknowledging that your DS has feelings and needs support too.
NB.
I wouldn't get drawn into booking a different day at that point before you leave, just say 'best to knock it on the head today , we can sort all that another time'. Then you can check your DS's views without him feeling any pressure and talk about you wanting to respect his boundaries and support him too as he's your priority, even if you both understand other boy's specific behaviour.

If your DS doesn't want to do playdates there or wants to reduce them, I'd listen to that. Nothing has to be a forever decision.
NT children also fall out or change friendships or need a break sometimes and that was a distressing incident for your DS.

You can meet up with friend without DS in meantime to maintain friendship. If she's kind hearted and able to see outside her DC's needs to other's DCs needs whether NT or not, she'll understand.

My son has high functioning asd - and I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. The mother gets to parent her son how she wants - but I would be identifying for him the sort of behaviour he would ideally be showing. If no one explains this to him - how is he meant to know?