AIBU or is this really emotional abuse?

[sunnyblueskies]

Hi MNers,

I don't know where to start. So I will waffle my way through probably missing huge chunks.

Been with DH for 8 years married for 4.5. We have our beautiful preschooler who is 3.5 years.

There has been times in the past I have thought about leaving and almost nearly have but then wonder if I am just being a drama queen princess.

During our non married years it was fun with an element of seriousness from him. Almost talking to me like a child and telling me off if I had done something wrong (and not in a kinky way!)

After our LO was born it was horrendous, she was super poorly with severe reflux and allergies. Never slept. He was shocking used to moan about her crying and screaming and never helped. I had to foot all the private medical bills etc (NHS wouldnt do anything to help).
Resentment grew. I was like a single parent.

A few years go by, I just feel he never has anything good to say. Hes had outbursts in the past calling me a C word in front of our daughter because he thought I was changing. Infact I had lost a lot of weight and was starting to get my confidence back so I was feeling really good. He moans when I go to the gym, moans when I don't go. I don't know what he wants of me?
Every weekend he lays in to me over something trivial and blows it all out of proportion.
Example; a few months ago I had forgot to get a pint of milk. He was on the train home so I messaged him asking if he could get a pint of milk on his walk back from the train station (LO was in bed). I got a barrage of abuse saying how lazy I was and how unorganised and forgetful I am . Pulling up all kinds of random shite that was coming from no where. Cue tears.
A couple of weeks ago it was Friday, he was on the train on the way back from work, I text him suggesting what we could do at the weekend as the weather was meant to be glorious. Again when he got home I got it in the neck again. Saying that im hassling him and its not a relaxing plan (it was a picnic with our LO) im trying to organise his down time bla bla. Went on all evening, Cue tears. Now I am banned from messaging him on his way home.

Everything has a negative caveat to it. If I suggest something its always hit with a no or a negative response.

Tonight he came home. Went immediately upstairs to change and came back down to immediately say "oh i see the carpet is trashed" LO had knocked over a cup of coffee which I couldn't for the life of me get out. So now he has a face on and will bring it up at some point either later tonight or tomorrow.

I have recently been on a course to do with work and my mum and MIL and him, rallied around to help as it was for a week long so they all took it in turns to look after LO. He constantly throws it in my face that "everyone" rallied round to help me and why should they etc.

Yesterday I had a late client meeting, so I asked him if it was possible that he could leave work on the dot so I could make the meeting. He was fine with this. Then decided when I got home that he would throw it in my face that he had loads to do at work and came home especially on time so I could make my meeting.

All this is not doing my anxiety any good. Everytime he has an episode of moaning or grumpiness it gives me the shakes.

I would like to add, I am recently self employed. I work all the hours my LO is at preschool and the evenings too. I keep the house clean, dinners on the table every night and do the bedtime routine every night. I also get my gym in 3/4 times a week. So I am bloody shattered and like most of us, its a juggling act. He pays me a small amount every month for this. It covers my bills.

I feel like my wings are clipped. We talk all the time after every single "episode". It changes for a few days or a week and then reverts.

The above is scratching the surface and so minor. I have a list as long as my street as to all the various episodes and things he throws in my face. I just constantly feel like I am not an equal and that hes the teacher and I am beneath him. Hes constantly grumpy and short patience with LO. Even my LO calls him grumpy (not prompted by me!) I feel like I walk on eggshells and am constantly asking if hes ok and if I ask more than once he gets real shitty

I am trapped. I rely on him financially and just don't know how I could do it on my own.

AIBU or is this just normal grumpy husband behaviour?
Apologies for any typos. I am typing super quick so I can get downstairs on time!!

Thank you

I've been in your shoes, it's awful. But, I got out, my DC were a year and 3, I was a SAHM.

I sought support from my parents, left the DC with them for a few hours and went home and told my H to leave. There was no negotiation, he had to leave there and then. He was blindsided, and left. I was cold and firm (but was petrified of him, but didn't show it that time). DO NOT LEAVE THE PROPERTY (if safe to do so), you will have an easier time legally if you can stay and get H to leave.

I had no savings to fall back on, and I knew he'd try to control me with money (he already was during our marriage). I called the job centre the next day and set up an appointment, I claimed income support and tax credits, which in turn meant I could claim exemption from prescription and council tax benefit.

I also saw a solicitor, we owned our house, they gave me great advice, and once I was ready they handled my divorce. During the divorce proceedings I applied for CSA, which is now CMO.

I was worried I'd be destitute and homeless, but I needed to break free, and that was more important than staying in an emotionally, physically and financially abusive relationship.

I haven't looked back, I don't know where I found the strength to throw my H out, but it was the best decision I ever made. My DC and I are happy, safe and free.

Good luck 🤞

He doesn’t accept you for who you are! He tries his best to belittle and undermine you constantly, he wants you to be exactly what he says but I bet that changes moment to moment so you can’t win.
Open your eyes! He’s abusing you, all of it, even the times he’s ‘nice’ it’s all part of making you doubt yourself so you never leave.

To answer your question OP no you are not BU. Yes it is emotional abuse.

From your additional posts it is clear that he contributes very little to your family life and that both you and your LO would benefit from not being with him.

how is he accepting of who you are when he calls you lazy and unorganised

getting up once a week with his own child doesnt make him a great husband either

stop worrying if someone else will accept you thats for another day-you need to get out before you go under

I honestly think there's not one poster on here who thinks you will wake up in 10 years time thinking you've made a mistake. I think you will be the happiest person ever not being belittled, made to tread on eggshells, demeaned and verbally abused.

He puts the dishwasher on at night, big deal, that takes me all of 2 minutes. What about being nice to you, treating you as an equal, loving and respecting you? Doing little things that shows what he thinks of you. Oh yes, I forgot, he does do things that shows what he thinks of you, and those things are not good. I imagine he hates women to be honest

" I don’t want to wake up in ten years and realise that I made a mistake. I threw away a loyal (that is one thing I’m 100% sure on, he is not a cheat) person."

Of course he's loyal - how many women do you think would put up with his shit? He wants to hang on to the convenient minion he's got. He might be loyal to the concept of" his woman" because she is "his".

Frankly, most men are loyal. Your expectations are very low. You're putting up with being treated like an inferior person, and unfortunately this is teaching your daughter what is normal in a relationship. I'm not in a position to preach because I put up with all sorts of humiliation myself, because it didn't occur to me that I was worthy of anything better. Fortunately he left me.

I’m not one to jump to ltb but seriously this does not sound a healthy relationship at all. I hope you find a way through this.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I know for sure I wouldn’t want to tell him a want to separate while living under the same roof.
I know it sounds cowardly but I would want to just go for fear of anything nasty happening. This is where I become stuck. I literally don’t have a penny to my name to just move somewhere. I mean, I have credit cards but that’s only going to get me so far with no money. I feel really trapped?

Womens Aid have refuges. Give them a call when dh is not around and they will help get you out of there, money or not. At the very least they will support you and advise you and no one will force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Could family take you in temporarily?

Sweetheart it does not get better, it gets worse.

You are not being unreasonable, you are living in an extremely emotionally abusive situation.

Please contact a womens shelter/charity and talk to them about forming a way out of this that you can deal with.

You need to know that you are better, that you deserve better than that horrible little shit is giving you.

Another vote for Women's Aid advice. The good news is that you only have one DC and she is eligible for funded free nursery hours, putting you in a good position. You already know you have to leave. The next step is to get your ducks in a row, ready to exit. That could mean photocopying financial and legal documents, setting up a claim for income support and arranging for somewhere safe to stay. For the time being, you may be better off getting a part-time job or freelancing on a long-term contract to ensure a stable income until your business takes off. You can do this.

@sunnyblueskies, have you read the post which is pinned at the top of the Relationships board? Right, listen up everybody is essential reading. Just the first post if you want, yr lots of wisdom in there. It may help you to think about what a good relationship would look like. What would you bring happy in a good relationship look like? Or imagine you being happy with just your child; no man required at present!

Thank you MaryPeary,

That is a really fab read!

I couldn't live like that. You have to leave. I'm amazed you've managed to cope so far, my mental health would be shot if I had to put up with that. I agree about women's aid. Good luck

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Do you want to feel like this forever? Ltb now

Please see a solicitor. It’s best if he leaves, rather than you, though I can see why you can’t see that as an option. By the way, he’s not “loyal”. Being loyal does not mean just not sleeping with someone else. It means someone you can rely on, who supports you. The man sounds an utter pig, and it won’t get better.

I think you have a choice. Stop accommodating his behaviour and make demands on HIM. Don’t “let” him speak to you as he does, don’t “let” him ban you from texting. Have a go at him for making a fuss about milk - did you say “don’t be so ridiculous, I don’t want to hear another word”? Or did you just say nothing? Have you done a list of all the stuff you do at home and pointed out that he needs to pull his finger out pronto and help? I doubt you have. Your posts indicate you are now scared of him, so presumably you’d fear some reprisal if you started to assert yourself now? If that is the case the only other option is to leave him, but do t be on your own with him when he finds out.

If you feel this is too hard, just think of your DC. Remember, these will be your DCs memories looking back on childhood. Your relationship, every time he treats you like dirt and you don’t stick up for yourself is teaching your DC how relationships are, how women are. As your D.C. grows up she may be put in the position of choosing whether to defend you, of taking sides. Or maybe she will find a man like him to repeat the cycle because you are her role model. It will form part of who she is. Believe me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is not the way for you to live your life. See a solicitor. Find out what your options are.

Oh I was in your almost exact position with a man who treated me like a child. I could never meet his high expectations of me and I eventually felt I was so useless I couldn't do anything on my own.

Except here I am in my own rented home, bringing up my daughter, self employed with a good income and best of all - happy.

How I did it...

I started my own self employed business from home and worked hard to build my income (it tripled when I left and had some much more time)
I got money together from as many sources as possible - I took out a credit card while still in the family home (this gave me a decent credit limit)
I sold stuff on eBay and kept the money
I took money from the housekeeping over several weeks and kept it

Eventually I had enough for a deposit and first months rent.

Then I left. Immediately I had to work so much harder to survive - but the incentive was there and my business thrived.

It hasn't been easy - but Ive done it. Now the family home has been sold and I have a huge nestegg.

This isn't about money or the ability to leave - you can always survive. this is about you not believing you can do it on your own. he has put that thought in your head. Because you are capable.

You lost me at now I'm banned messaging him on the way home.

This is abuse. Pure and simple. Get your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor. Im not one to often say LTB but having been there myself, I can honestly now say it was the best decision of my life. Plus your LO will grow up thinking this is a normal way to be treated. Like you said, you're already practically a single parent anyway. Might as well make it official. Honestly wish you all the best of luck. If you want to PM me I'm happy to talk you through anything xx

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I truly appreciate it. Today has been one effed up day.

I have an informal meeting next week for a part time employed role. Doing the same job as I’m doing now.

Even though I’m self employed and work from home, I have a boss. Who hasn’t provided me with everything. So if I take it I’m going to seriously piss him off and have wasted loads of his time.

Yes. It also sounds x like emotional abuse. Hey your ducks in a row so that when you decide to leave everything will be ready.

Stop worrying about other people’s reactions. You and your child are in a very difficult and abusive situation. Do whatever you need to enable you to get away from your partner and keep you and your DC safe. You need blinkers until you’ve achieved that.

By which I mean potentially wasting some of your boss’ time is not something to worry about right now. And you are likely being way too self-critical anyway. Whatever helps you move down the road away from your partner is the way forward.

Agree with pp Cindy

OP I am so sorry to hear this. I am
I'm exactly the same situation. After some
Vile blow ups a couple of months back I gave my DH an ultimatum after he verbally abused me in front of my daughter (for the millionth time). I told him if he ever spoke t me
Like that again that I would leave. He's been fine for months but over the last few days the abuse has started last night.

I made the decision today to ask him for space. I don't know how he will react or what lies ahead but I feel better for making a decision.

No one should treat you on this way and whilst these things seem small, they are not. It's horrible abusive behaviour and as other posters have said, it will get worse!

Confide in a close friend or family member and start writing everything down.

Big hugs xxxx