AIBU or is this really emotional abuse?

[sunnyblueskies]

Hi MNers,

I don't know where to start. So I will waffle my way through probably missing huge chunks.

Been with DH for 8 years married for 4.5. We have our beautiful preschooler who is 3.5 years.

There has been times in the past I have thought about leaving and almost nearly have but then wonder if I am just being a drama queen princess.

During our non married years it was fun with an element of seriousness from him. Almost talking to me like a child and telling me off if I had done something wrong (and not in a kinky way!)

After our LO was born it was horrendous, she was super poorly with severe reflux and allergies. Never slept. He was shocking used to moan about her crying and screaming and never helped. I had to foot all the private medical bills etc (NHS wouldnt do anything to help).
Resentment grew. I was like a single parent.

A few years go by, I just feel he never has anything good to say. Hes had outbursts in the past calling me a C word in front of our daughter because he thought I was changing. Infact I had lost a lot of weight and was starting to get my confidence back so I was feeling really good. He moans when I go to the gym, moans when I don't go. I don't know what he wants of me?
Every weekend he lays in to me over something trivial and blows it all out of proportion.
Example; a few months ago I had forgot to get a pint of milk. He was on the train home so I messaged him asking if he could get a pint of milk on his walk back from the train station (LO was in bed). I got a barrage of abuse saying how lazy I was and how unorganised and forgetful I am . Pulling up all kinds of random shite that was coming from no where. Cue tears.
A couple of weeks ago it was Friday, he was on the train on the way back from work, I text him suggesting what we could do at the weekend as the weather was meant to be glorious. Again when he got home I got it in the neck again. Saying that im hassling him and its not a relaxing plan (it was a picnic with our LO) im trying to organise his down time bla bla. Went on all evening, Cue tears. Now I am banned from messaging him on his way home.

Everything has a negative caveat to it. If I suggest something its always hit with a no or a negative response.

Tonight he came home. Went immediately upstairs to change and came back down to immediately say "oh i see the carpet is trashed" LO had knocked over a cup of coffee which I couldn't for the life of me get out. So now he has a face on and will bring it up at some point either later tonight or tomorrow.

I have recently been on a course to do with work and my mum and MIL and him, rallied around to help as it was for a week long so they all took it in turns to look after LO. He constantly throws it in my face that "everyone" rallied round to help me and why should they etc.

Yesterday I had a late client meeting, so I asked him if it was possible that he could leave work on the dot so I could make the meeting. He was fine with this. Then decided when I got home that he would throw it in my face that he had loads to do at work and came home especially on time so I could make my meeting.

All this is not doing my anxiety any good. Everytime he has an episode of moaning or grumpiness it gives me the shakes.

I would like to add, I am recently self employed. I work all the hours my LO is at preschool and the evenings too. I keep the house clean, dinners on the table every night and do the bedtime routine every night. I also get my gym in 3/4 times a week. So I am bloody shattered and like most of us, its a juggling act. He pays me a small amount every month for this. It covers my bills.

I feel like my wings are clipped. We talk all the time after every single "episode". It changes for a few days or a week and then reverts.

The above is scratching the surface and so minor. I have a list as long as my street as to all the various episodes and things he throws in my face. I just constantly feel like I am not an equal and that hes the teacher and I am beneath him. Hes constantly grumpy and short patience with LO. Even my LO calls him grumpy (not prompted by me!) I feel like I walk on eggshells and am constantly asking if hes ok and if I ask more than once he gets real shitty

I am trapped. I rely on him financially and just don't know how I could do it on my own.

AIBU or is this just normal grumpy husband behaviour?
Apologies for any typos. I am typing super quick so I can get downstairs on time!!

Thank you

@bbcessex is right.

You don't 'maybe' your way through a good relationship. You just know it's good for you and you know your life is better with them in it.

You know the opposite is true. He's not good for you and your life isn't better with him in it.

Thank you. I’m feeling like absolute dog shite this morning. I went to bed early last night. I ended up getting into a whatsapp conversation with some girlfriends.

He messaged me saying “i thought you were having an early night”
He’d clearly checked and seen I was “online”. He then went off on one (via text I may add) while he was downstairs, saying that if I’m texring a man there will be hell to pay (words to that effect!).

Woke up this morning feeling crappy about it. To top it off I feel like my DC is picking up on the bad feeling.
She’s been quite challenging lately and wanting only me. But this morning she was balling her eyes out over having to go to preschool. She loves preschool usually. It role my heart.

Have a quiet word with preschool and explain briefly what's happening, they will help you with your DC x

It doesn't matter what he thinks about how you live your life.

And you feeling like shit is probably all the years of you denying your body to feel shit at each argument, each moment of him being a git. It's hitting you all at once.

Embrace it if you can, let it flow through you and over you because it can be the start of your new life. A life where you allow yourself to recognise your feelings and feel them there and then.

Your dd may well be picking up on the bad feelings but that doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing for her or you x

I know it's crap that you feel like this but hopefully this makes you realise that this isn't right, that this is emotional abuse, that he won't change and that you can't go on like this xx

Ladies thank you. Today was very tiring I must say. Tried to smooth things over for DC. Ice cream, pizza, Park, lots of cuddles and kisses. It hurts me massively to see her so out of sorts and I feel solely responsible.

Sunny blue skies, I'm in exactly the same position with my DH. We've been married for nearly 10 years, the abuse started before that. He has punched a hole in the wall, thrown me across the room, kicked me and that's just the physical stuff.

Some of the things he has done are truly awful. Calling me names in front of my kids, blaming me for his anger (it's only me who makes him mad in this way!). He's been unfaithful, used to go out and get drunk and I wouldn't know when he was coming home.

I too finally had enough about a month ago and asked for some space he begged me for forgiveness. He said I was cruel for not helping him and is currently in therapy.

Last Wednesday my DD fractured her wrist and I had to take her to hospital. I called him and he seemed like it was quite an inconvenience to come home (his friends felt sorry for him because he had just bought a pint!!!). On the way home from the hospital, I asked him to pick up a pizza for my DD as a treat and he said he was too tired. My daughter heard it all as he was on loud speaker. When we got home, she was telling him all about what happened and he kept saying how tired he was etc etc. She actually turned to him and said 'it's all about you Dad isn't it?'

I have no idea what the future will hold and I'm just taking one day at a time. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted.

Just wanted to share my story and let you know that I'm in the same boat.

Be strong and message me if you ever want to chat

Xxxx

You are not solely responsible. He is.

It's hard for your DC now but they will feel so much more at ease when they don't have to see your DH treating their mother like this and I bet one day they'll thank you for it when they are adults.

This is only for now. Who knows in a year or two you could be living the life you and your DC deserve and look back on this and think 'thank God I stuck to it'. Please don't back down. It isn't your responsibility to change someone. It is up to them to change their ways if they are hurting the people they love. Your DH can blame you and make you feel guilty all he wants but you know the truth and your DC will too when they are old enough to understand.

Teach them how you would want them to live and be loved by leading by example and allowing yourself the same.

Wishing you all the best

Just read your thread, OP. Hope you are OK. Good luck.

Your lo is seeing this, when she gets older she will remember this. All the times daddy shpit3ed at mummy, it will stick in her mind for the rest of her life. Just like it did to me when my mum and dad argu3d all the time.

She might even grow up tho king this is okay for men to treat woman this way.

Tho k of your child. Go and live with your parents op if you can it's better than raising your child this way.

The very least I'd sit down and get this all of your first and say to him in seriously considering leaving you and of he doesn't care then is he even worth it. There are good men in this world op.

I'm not bragging but my dh treats me like a queen. You want someone to treat you like this and he is out there somewhere. It may take a few months or even a few years but there is someone out there for everyone. I'm saying this for your daughter. This is from someone who saw and never forgot seeing my parents argue and hate each other and I've never cotton over it.

Sorry about spelling and grammar (dystleix)

Sorry to jump on this again. Can someone help me? My H has been in therapy, trying to deal with his anger issues...but things have start led creeping back.

I've just had a situation, he thinks this is perfectly normal. Can someone help as I feel like I'm going out of my mind...I don't think it's ok.

My H is annoyed because I asked him to stay in tonight as I haven't been sleeping (build up of relationship stress and work) and I need help with the kids. He's already been out twice this week and his anger always gets worse when he's tired.

His friend has just popped over for a glass of wine, I asked my husband (very very nicely as always) to open out patio doors as he always shouts at me when I open them because I manage to unlock them and the black strip comes away. I honestly don't know how to do it and always end buggering it up! Anyway, as he was opening it, the black strip came away and he started swearing at me in front of his friend. I said i couldn't do it and he said 'couldn't or wouldnt' you just don't want to. Is this normal? He thinks this is just normal relationship stuff and I'm being too sensitive....

Am I?

doingmybest this is not normal, he is abusing you.

You gave him another chance, and he has gone back to his abusive ways.

Now is the time to leave.

Please start your own thread in Relatiinships, you will get much more support that way.

doingmybest1

No that isn't normal. How humiliating for him to shout at you in front of his friend (and probably very uncomfortable for his friend). It wasn't even your fault.

Thank you ladies. I've just started a new thread in relationships. This is really small fry and petty compared to some of the stuff he's done but it feels like he's screwing with my mind....

This sounds just like my life except i live with his parents and they have allowed this ti happen. I have tried ti confide in my MIL several times and she just says its just the way he is. Now that i have told him i want to leave they are niw all plotting a case against me claiming i have financially abused my husband whuch i have nit. He has never worjed as they have never wanted him to and he claims he is to ill to work. He contradicts himself by telling people im lazy and that he does all the housework. He does nothing and all his money goes in expensive hobbies.he swears at me and tells me im mental and paranoid and tells me he has told me things that i know he has not. My child wants to come with me but him and his family are stopping me from taking my child with me. He wants me to leave so he can say ive abandoned my son. So i am now living with his family and they are quizzing my son about me and buying him toys and gifts. My sin is 9 and knows its just bribery. They have been in touch with landlords enquiring about rental property close by for me to live on and have worked out what i will need to live off so my hubby can keep the child benefit and claim uc for my son. They reckon i should be fine in my 1000 a month wage which means he will get more than that in benefits!!im just so fed up i cannot stop crying.

Where to start!, Well firstly I apologise for the rant that I am probably going to be doing, it'll be all over the place and probably not even make sense. Anyway here goes... I am having a nightmare of a time at home. I have two young kids (toddlers at nursery), I work part time and while I am at work my kids are at nursery. My husband isn't working and picks them up and night, I am normally just in shortly after him. He makes all our dinner, including mine, but he is just so unreasonable with me, if he has a hard time with them, its me that gets in when I walk in the door, he insists I take over as he has had enough of their shit!, cant deal with them anymore its about time I took my turn bla bla bla, all the while he is shoving my dinner in front on me moaning, ranting about all the work he has put into it if I don't sit down to it immediately even though he wants me to deal with the kids.

He never sits down with us for meals, more times than not he is drinking, he thinks he has earned the right to that as he has been busy in the house all day, like I do nothing, I go to work, out of the house for 10 hours come home to this, and two tired kids (overtired sometimes) and the barrage of abuse that is coming from him. He thinks he has the hard end of the bargain, when I finish with the kids, getting them to bed, sometimes that could be 9PM, he insists that I take my turn and take the dog out for a walk, as he has had to do it all day, if I tell him I am tired and up at 6am next day as I have work, he screams and balls up at me that I am a lazy fat cow, my kids have started to repeat his language and shout things at me. I try to ignore him but it makes him worse, he gets louder screaming upstairs at me, when kids are in bed I normally go to bed to block it all out, sometimes I do take the dog out just to get away from it all, but if I am too tired I don't back down I just go to bed and ignore him.. It starts again next morning when I have to hurry to get to work, if kids act up, for example telling me they are not wearing what I have put out or don't want to brush teeth etc and I am in a hurry I have to tell him he needs to take over I need to leave for work, I get called all the names under the sun told I shouldn't be a mother, etc etc. I need to go to work why doesn't he understand that. If someone comes to visit I hope and pray that they don't say something that will set him off as its me that has to listen to his rant when they leave. If I discipline my kids, take toys away, raise my voice /tone then he threatens me that he will record me shouting and will report me to social services, I am not doing anything that any mother wouldn't do, I am raising my voice when I need to , I don't like this but cant have kids ruling me. Forgot to mention he even brings up things from my past, like me dad being a drinker, not being there for me when I was young, which isn't true he was a drinker but sorted it out and is a great dad now. He twist everything people say and uses things against me, I have even had to delete friends and familys numbers from my phone and change my pin on my phone as he wants to send them messages when he is drunk as he thinks they don't do enough to help us with the kids, (our kids!) both our families are very supportive and help with the kids as much as they can. He sings along to songs on radio and changes the words to insult me it has gotten to the stage there are songs I cannot listen to without hearing his abusive version, please help, What can I do, I cant take this much longer but I know if I leave it will upset my kids and also he wont leave us alone?

Abuse or not. Do you really want to spend all your time walking on egg shells waiting for him to explode or have to put up with his constant negativity? You said he has changed for small time after talking about it. Would marriage counselling may be an idea if your not ready to walk away?

Not sure if I put it right. He doesn't change even for a small time, he is always unreasonable, he is only OK when he isn't under pressure which with two young kids isn't very often, he is too far gone for counselling. I tried that with him once years ago but once they told him it was him they needed to focus on he didn't go back. Its like he enjoys being a b*tard

What a nasty little prick. You deserve so much better than this.

Thismummyneedshelp
I think you need to start a new thread, otherwise people are going to respond to the OP of this thread instead of you and that will get really confusing!
And your “partner” sounds like a horrible abusive twat. If you start a new post I bet you’ll get lots of good advice on getting away from him

This is an horrific way to live. You must get some strength from somewhere and make plans to leave. It will give you something to focus on and give you a goal for a much happier life with your daughter. I think it would make life easier with his totally outrageous and unreasonable demands on you, if you knew in the back of your mind that this situation is intolerable and that you have started making plans to leave him.
I am horrified for your situation and wish you all the best.

Maybe he is depressed? If so he should go to the GP

He shouldn't take it out on you but as the closest person to him, that's hard.

Only you really know, is he fundamentally horrid or is he desperately unhappy?

You shouldn't have to live on egg shells

Yes, it's emotional abuse. And since it's been going on for years, it's not going to improve. For your own sake and your child's, I think it would be much the best to leave.

Hi,

Sorry to intrude, just wanted to quickly say we made a documentary with Women's Aid and Surrey Police which explains coercive control/emotional abuse. It explains what the legal definition of it is, how to spot it and where help can be found.

Hopefully it's of help.