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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that MIL wants to play it by ear

29 replies

RosaLuxembourg · 18/05/2007 12:47

The 'it' being whether she, FIL and BIL are coming for Sunday lunch or not. She wants to wait and see what BIL fancies doing - if he wants to go out for the day we will all do that instead. But if he wants to come to our house they will. So I am supposed to shop for Sunday lunch for EIGHT without knowing if I am actually going to cook it or not. So am I being unreasonable in being slightly pissed off?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 18/05/2007 12:48

YANBU, why is it up to BIL?

moopymoo · 18/05/2007 12:49

Nope, yanbu or whatever the acronym is
can you ring bil direct? or tell them, all well and good but if you come here bring food? families eh?

delores · 18/05/2007 12:49

Don't shop. If they come round, give them a cuppa tea and biscuit. Better still be out.

seamonster · 18/05/2007 12:56

what does yanbu mean please?

Original poster
RosaLuxembourg · 18/05/2007 12:56

They own a holiday cottage about 20 miles from where we live. They come down every couple of months and there is always lots of pootling about over where we are meeting, are they coming to us etc. This time BIL is coming with them for the FIRST TIME in the 7 years they have owned this cottage. He has never been to our house either, as he couldn't be bothered to make the journey for our children's christenings etc (we have lived here 5 years).
Basically, it seems like his marriage is in trouble and he has run home to mum and dad (he is 42) who are terribly sympathetic and slagging off his wife to all and sundry despite the fact that - wait for it - the reason his marriage is on the rocks is because he has been having an affair!
So we are all supposed to treat him with kid gloves whereas I obviously feel more like slapping him.

OP posts:
bohemianbint · 18/05/2007 12:59

YANBU. I'd say tell 'em to forget it then but I'm not terribly tolerant of my in-laws to be honest.

chopchopbusybusy · 18/05/2007 12:59

YANBU - I'd arrange to be out.

maisemor · 18/05/2007 12:59

You Are Not Being Unreasonable.

RosaLuxembourg can you not ask MIL/FIL if it would be easier for her to have it at her place then? and then just phone BIL and ask if he fancies coming over at some other time?

maisemor · 18/05/2007 13:01

Forget the bit about asking BIL over separately and make sure that if they do come over to your place that you serve him something horrid that you know he hates

themoon66 · 18/05/2007 13:01

Don't shop. Make food arrangements for your own lot only. If they do turn up, then say 'I played it by ear and can do you beans on toast'.

delores · 18/05/2007 13:06

LOL themoon: I played it by ear.

Bink · 18/05/2007 13:09

Sounds like MIL is having to do some dancing of attendance on BIL - who knows why(!) - and may not be thinking straight at the moment?

Is she generally a reasonable pleasant person? Sounds as if you usually get on OK if the norm is pootling ... For this Sunday, I would have a infinitely-divisible easily-rustled up thing on hand (vat of pasta, eg) and leave the discussions till after. I had a similar experience not so long ago (though the numbers were, get this, 11) and the gratitude for being able to do the rustling-up & allow for the ad-hoc-ness meant that it was quite easy afterwards to have a quiet word about its being "a bit of a tall order, to be honest" - so moral high ground + everyone happy.

seamonster · 18/05/2007 13:11

Thanks, I'm new to all this (obviously) no you're not unreasonable. Sounds to me that bil is the 'golden child' and can do no wrong. I feel your pain every boxing all the in-laws decend from on high and expect me to feed and water them, meaning dinner, snacks,drink and tea. I have three kids,no.3 was 10 mths old last year and they all turned up 2 hours late, too late for dinner and golden boy wanted to leave in an hour or so as they had 'places to go'. Thus I had loads of leftover food and the stress of getting it all ready was for nothing. So in short I agree with delores.
RZLES

mumto3girls · 18/05/2007 13:12

I would just say okay,lets leave it this time then and be done with it.

MEMsmum · 18/05/2007 13:40

If you don't hear from them make arrangements for your own Sunday Lunch and if they phone/turn up, make them take you out for a pub lunch! BIL can pay - he must have loads of expendable income if he's got two women!

flipflopper · 18/05/2007 13:44

YANBU
That would piss me off

Original poster
RosaLuxembourg · 18/05/2007 13:49

Thanks guys. MIL is actually a control freak who never lets anyone in the family interfere with her plans - except BIL, who is, as Seamonster puts it, Goldenboy. Even though he rarely turns up to family events, never remembers birthdays or returns phone calls and can't be bothered ever letting anyone know his plans. I think the final straw for me was when he told MIL (not us!) that he wouldn't be comin to DD2's christening because he'd had a tiring week at work. I have more or less written him off since then. DH persisted in phoning, sending birthday cards etc but never gets a response. I'm not even sure he knows what our children's names are.
But yet, MIL clearly favours him above all her other children despite the complete lack of respect with which he treats her.
However, DH is very tolerant of my mother and so I try to do the same as I know it means a lot to him. He never stops trying to please his parents and they just can't appreciate him - but that's another story!

OP posts:
mamhaf · 18/05/2007 14:10

Yanbu. My inlaws (now deceased) used to regularly piss me off by turning up at lunchtime on weekends without even phoning to say they were coming.

edam · 18/05/2007 14:21

Rosa, I think oddly enough that happens a lot - the parent dances attention on the thankless adult child, not the helpful, nice ones. Maybe parent seeking approval?

Stargazer · 18/05/2007 14:26

Sorry, I'd tell her to make up her mind. If you've got to get food for them all you need time to sort it out - she's being unreasonable.

AnneJones · 18/05/2007 14:26

YANBU but it sounds like BIL is having a sort of personal crisis so MIL is trying to make life easy for him.

I would suggest this is an ideal 'out' of the whole sit - "surely BIL won't be up for a family gathering, let's get together another time" etc?

WinkyWinkola · 18/05/2007 15:33

YANBU. Total lack of courtesy. You could have something else that you'd like to do.. ... .. ...But then again you could be p*ssed off because you're letting her control what you do on Sunday and she's making you wait around. Why should you?

I'd just go out for lunch with my own little family but tell MIL ASAP you're now busy on Sunday because it's better to be polite. I would never wait around to see if someone could deign to make arrangements with me and keep me hanging on!

And perhaps if you are the first not to wait on BIL's every need, he'll buck up his ideas.

colditz · 18/05/2007 15:35

tell them if they don't give you a definate answer, they may pop in, as you might have some bread to make sandwiches IF you feel like shopping on the Saturday.

ripax · 18/05/2007 15:36

go out. fuck her

helenhismadwife · 18/05/2007 22:48

YANBU make your own plans for yourself and your family sod the rest of them they are being rude and ignorant