Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To LTB?

79 replies

Meme12 · 22/05/2018 19:51

Been with my DP for 5 years. I have 2 teenagers, with ASD (not his)

We now live together. He spends all his time gaming. Works for a week (self employed) then has weeks off. Makes excuses not to work, so he can play consoles ie job too far, no parking, not paying him enough, work conditions etc, etc.

He games, sometimes even waking me up at weekends at 5.30am or into the evenings talking on a headset. He literally comes downstairs to eat, even then sits on his phone, checking gaming forums. No conversation.

He says he is ‘bored’, which is why he does what he does. I am ‘boring’ and always watching crap on TV (because I’m always alone downstairs!) I talk he doesn’t even hear me, he is checking forums!! Ask him what does he think of dinner (convo starter) and my conversation is boring!

Today (after not going to work) I came home from shopping. Shouted upstairs Id cooked a breakfast. He came down an hour later (I refuse to take food upstairs now) and went into one about how he thought I had asked him did he want breakfast, not that it was ready (now cold). It’s my fault, I should ask, not just make something!

He refuses to apologise or take any responsibility. I’ve told him to F off and go live in a hotel, which is how he treats our home and me.

I don’t want to break up my family. But I’m sick of it. AIBU to LTB?

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 22/05/2018 20:42

What did he say (or did he ignore it) when you told him to F off to a hotel?

I think it might be nice to give him time to find somewhere else if you want to, but he might try to outstay, especially as he does sound a bit manchild.

Did he live independently before you met him? Can you return him to his mother?!

AnyFucker · 22/05/2018 20:43

I thought you told him to go to a hotel ?

Foxysoxy10 · 22/05/2018 20:43

Your DC don’t notice how detached he is, yet!
They will soon enough.

They may think relationships like yours are normal otherwise you wouldn’t put up with it. They may follow their Dads lead and treat you/speak to you like crap cause that’s what daddy does and you’re ok with that cause you put up with it so obviously that’s what a normal relationship is like..........can you see what I’m getting at here?

He is a terrible role model for your DC and (I mean this in the nicest possible way) you are being a terrible role model allowing the behaviour.

You deserve better as do your DC, please stop wasting your life on this man child prat!

Cloudyapples · 22/05/2018 20:44

Pack his bags and tell him he’s to leave immediately - that’s how.

LoveInTokyo · 22/05/2018 20:47

Pack his bags and tell him he’s got two days to find somewhere else to live. If he doesn’t go, you put his stuff outside and change the locks while he’s out.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 20:55

He's using you.

He couldn't afford to live as he does by the sound of it, if it were just him and his week of work. Certainly couldn't raise a deposit to even start. And then there's all the cooking, cleaning, washing stuff - he gets to live in a functional, clean, warm home without having to lift much of a finger. Which is fab because he doesn't want to waste his precious gaming time doing that, does he? No, no need. Been fly enough to get a bird who does all that.

He's literally looked at you and seen a domestic servant and meal ticket, and is entitled and sexist enough to throw his weight around in a house, home and family which he makes bog all contribution to and be astonished and angry should you even hint that he might do you the courtesy of even speaking to you.

What the fuck.

I mean - your home, with your children, and somehow it has got to the point where you are spending your free time cooking breakfasts for some little shit who has basically charmed his way into your home where he lives as a complete leech? And treats you like the shit on his shoe for the privilege?

I suggest you do not even TALK to him about this.

You let him go out.

You pack all his stuff.

You have a friend round and you tell him to go. Right now. Because he is quite simply not a partner, not part of your family, not even a proper 'housemate' - he's not even your friend. He's a cheeky parasitic cunt.

Original poster
Meme12 · 22/05/2018 20:55

Oh yes hotel! More heat of the moment when I suggested I should eat somewhere else and he agreed!

We are currently ‘texting’ to avoid shouting in front of the kids.

I’ve told him I’ve had enough. He has offered to get rid of console ‘if I think it’s a problem’ I said if he can’t see it’s a problem, then no, the console isn’t the problem he is.

OP posts:
whatsinthebox · 22/05/2018 22:07

FizzyGreenWater has hit the nail on the head OP

You deserve so much better than his shitty treatment of you.

Original poster
Meme12 · 22/05/2018 22:13

Yes fizzygreen has hit the nail on the head!

I just used some of her advice! He spent half an hour sitting working how much he earned, trying to prove I don’t subside him etc etc and it fell short! Missing the massive picture of how dare he treat me like that! He has gone to bed, asking for a ‘few days’

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/05/2018 22:24

How are you feeling OP?

LoveInTokyo · 22/05/2018 22:25

It’s not about how much you both earn (although someone choosing to work a lot less than they could because their other half is picking up the bills is not cool).

It’s about how much you contribute to the relationship in your own ways. Sounds like you’re bringing in most of the money and doing nearly all the work around the house. When did he last cook a meal or do the laundry?

He sounds like a total sponger and waste of space and you need to get rid.

Grumpyoldblonde · 22/05/2018 22:32

You're not a 'family' tell him to pack his bags and fuck off

NevermindMyMind · 22/05/2018 22:33

Got to the second paragraph in and it was my first real, unquestionable LTB.

What's he asking for a "few days" for?

Samesituation · 22/05/2018 22:34

He will not change OP.

But if you want to try salvaging your relationship I would give him some ground rules.

  1. The console goes for good
  2. He goes to work every week
  3. He contributes to the household bills
  4. He starts paying you back for all the time you have 'kept him.
  5. He starts spending time with you all as a family
  6. He helps with the household chores.

I would give him a trial period for 3 months.

Your other option is to tell him to leave immediately.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Meme12 · 22/05/2018 22:58

Testing I’m actually feeling quite tearful! Now everyone is in bed! I’m always the ‘strong’ one! Kicking myself up arse again, for the pity tears! Smile

samesituation

  1. Games console, this isn’t the first one. It’s the second, after first went under similar circumstances!
  1. Had this convo, so many times.

3,4 etc etc.

What gets me is rather than saying YES, you do do those things and I appreciate it and show it. He argues that I don’t! Tries to prove me wrong! And then still won’t accept it!

Like you couldn’t live anywhere else and work week on, week off. He sits down with a calculator, that proves him wrong! Then still says how dare you say I don’t pay my way!!!

How would you live somewhere else then!? I’d save the weeks I do work! Head, wall!

It’s done, I can’t live like this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Meme12 · 22/05/2018 23:02

Going to try to get some sleep on the settee. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
RubberJohnny · 22/05/2018 23:15

So the cheeky bastard has gone up to your bed in your house and you are sleeping on the settee? I'd get the fucjer up, ell him his bedding is downstairs and sleep IN MY OWN BED!

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 23:19

Text him and say - I'm coming to bed. My bed, in my house, that I pay for. Get out of it. Or you're out tonight.

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2018 23:21

You're sleeping on the sofa in your house while that waste of space is in your bed?

Go and wake him up and show him the door!

Not his house, not your problem.

Popc0rn · 22/05/2018 23:31

Fizzygreenwater put it perfectly. He sounds like a waste of space and the definition of a cocklodger. Hope you're rid of the dead weight soon x

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 22/05/2018 23:36

Why the fucking hell are you allowing this to happen? What do you get from this relationship? Expect more and you will get more. Expect nothing and...

LordNibbler · 23/05/2018 00:18

Is this all you think you deserve? Some sponger who adds nothing to your life? He's behaving like a spoilt child and trying to make you responsible for him. For the roof over his head, the food in his belly, and I guess you wash all the clothes and do all the house work too.
In the end people only treat us how we allow them to. He is clearly never going to change. The only person who can change this is you! The question is, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If it's yes, then carry on sleeping on the sofa, and spending all your evenings alone while he whiles away his life gaming. If it's no, then tell him to get out and mean it. Believe me, you hold all the cards here. Take a deep breath, hold your chin up and value yourself in a way he so clearly doesn't.

Hisnamesblaine · 23/05/2018 00:19

Has he ANY redeeming qualities?

YanniLaurel · 23/05/2018 00:26

Ugh he sounds childish and selfish and no fun.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 23/05/2018 06:52

I hope you follow through with this op, it didn't sound like he's capable of changing if he can't even see there's a problem!

Swipe left for the next trending thread