How to respond to ndn asking for money

[bedhead12]

NC for this - Every month or so neighbour asks me for money for their bills along with a sob story of how they've spent the last of theirs and have no money to feed their 2 kids....

Not sure why they think I have more money than them to be lending out but this is really draining me as I feel awful saying no and feel really awkward the next time I see them... I have explained I am not in a financial position to help but the requests keep coming, what do I do?

@ADishBestEatenCold I've never given them money at all, I didn't want to go down the route of giving it once in case it became a regular occurrence.... although it seems to have become regular to ask anyway!

Sorry you keep asking me to lend you money, I cannot lend any as I am broke myself, so please could you stop asking! Very rude.

I'd knock on their door first and ask for money. That should stop it.

Just keep repeating it. 'I have no money to lend you. Stop asking because I'm permanently skint.'

I never lend out money, either. Ever. If I had it to give, fine, but loaning is a losing game.

But if they get child benefit that should be used to pay for children's food.

Our cathedral have a clothes and food bank that a person can access directly (no questions asked) and offer lunches to families in the school holidays when children won't get their free meals. You could have a Google around and see what might be available locally for her. At the end of the day it's not up to you to help her but it might be easier to say no if you offer some practical help.

A friend used to work for a local authority as a benefits advisor helping people to budget when solely on benefits. She lasted 6 months. She found that many many people constantly put themselves and their wants first, nails, fags, evenings out before food for the family. When she pointed out that you needed to prioritise food and bills before luxuries she found her self being complained about.

One women said she felt poor if she didn't have her nails done and that she was being picked on by the council and being discrimated against. So friend left the role in despair

Don't bother signposting them to foodbanks or Sikh temples or the like. It's not your job to solve their problems. 'I don't have money to lend so please stop asking me.'

When I was in an abusive relationship my ex would spend all our money on what he wanted then make me beg people for loans. It was horrible and humiliating but I was too afraid of him to refuse. No one ever gave me any which with hindsight was a good thing because he would have demanded more and more but it was terrifying having to go home empty handed. I guess what I'm saying is unless you know what is going on just go easy on her without actually handing money over.

I know how difficult it is to say no when someone asks for money, particularly when there are children involved, but you have to summon up the courage to say "no", maybe 'softening' it with something like "No, sorry, I don't have any spare money to lend you right now" if you'd rather not just say a flat out no.

A neighbour of ours (with one child) would come along roughly every 4 weeks, so a few days before getting their disability benefits, and ask to borrow money, generally for their pre-pay gas meter as they'd need hot water and heating. They would always pay it back on getting their benefits, but we always worried that this would leave them short for the following month. Sometimes we'd be scrabbling about for change to make £5.00 up to get them gas again as we don't often keep a lot of money in the house (to get lost down the side of the sofa), or we'd be waiting for pay day or tax credits day ourselves! We'd also give them milk and\or sugar etc. when needed (and not expect it back). We decided we couldn't always afford to lend them money so would have to start saying no.

One day they turned up with their laptop and asked us to help them download a particular app. We said yes, so they came in and we found out they wanted to use a particular gambling website. This didn't sit right with us as we don't gamble and don't want to lend money to people who choose to risk losing their money gambling when they don't have enough for milk\sugar\gas etc. without losing money betting. So it made it easier to not to lend them money anymore.

We also saw them using the local betting shop in town and our stance is - we won't lend money to people who know they are going to be short on money later in the month if they knowingly waste it on 'games of chance'. We also brought up the subject of gambling in conversation and they didn't deny they gambled. We were going to have to say no to lending more money as we are skint ourselves, but their gambling choice made it easier to say no.

The only time we have lent them money since was when we had the bad snow and the heating was on full blast so costing a lot more, no matter the financial circumstances we couldn't risk them not having heating for nearly a week in sub zero temperatures, we are not completely heartless. So, in a genuine emergency situation, we would still lend them money.

It is hard to say "no, I can't lend you anything", especially the first time (with the pleading eyes and knowing there are children involved in particular), but you will be stuck lending if you don't say no eventually.

DrCoconut how awful . Just tell her no, you are broke and are struggling with your own bills, sorry. Don't be rude, just in case its a situation like DrCoconut.

Don't get involved with finding solutions to their problems.

Keep repeating you don't have any money to lend them. Get less polite. When the sob story starts, interupt with "are you going to ask me for money again this month? Look I never have spare cash to lend you, and as my numbers didn't come up this month, I'm the same position this month too. Don't waste your breathe, I just don't have it to give."

Is that the only time they knock?

Don’t open the door to them anymore.
If you open the door to them, say immediately, Hello. Before you start, can I just clarify that I still have no money to lend you or food to give out?

• wait for the answer

Continue with, I’m not sure why you got the impression you’ve got rich neighbours or we have money to lend, but we don’t. I’m trying to be a good neighbour but you’re making me really uncomfortable and I’m going to stop answering the door to you soon.

Start asking them for money every month before they can ask you.

Next time you're out and about, grab a stack of flyers for a local food bank, social services, or similar welfare/charity organizations. When your neighbor comes to your door next month, say "oh dear, you seem to be struggling each month. I'm afraid I can only just afford my own bills and expenses so I won't be able to help you this month or at any other time in the foreseeable future. Here, you really should call a reputable charity, try this one," and then hand her the flyer.

Next month, same drill, adding an "as I've already told you..." intro. If she comes for a third month, "Neighbor, I've already told you I'm not a charity and I can't help you. Why haven't you called one of the food banks I gave you info about? Do you need me to call for you?" I wouldn't let her launch into her whole sob story about why she needs help either; it's a trap meant to make you feel guilty enough to overlook the obvious manipulation your neighbor is attempting.

How can she ever bear to ask? I'd be mortified to let the neighbours know how precarious our financial situation is let alone ask for money - don't even tell my own family.

Awkward and you have done the right thing by not lending them money and they are being really cheeky. I think people like this only really understand black and white answers so I think rather than sympathising I would very firmly say you are not a local bank and won't lend them money. I would not say you cannot afford it. Your finances are nothing to do with them and sob stories apart they need to learn how to cope with their own financial difficulties.

As a debt counsellor myself in a previous life I would offer to go through their finances with them and I am guessing they would then disappear as almost always it is bad management of money or too much debt that is at fault. Most people don't want to be told that though.

Tell her to look on here or you could do it together and help her fill it in and she could see where she could change her spending habits so she did not need to ask for top-ups.
www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

I would love to say I would bellow "NO" from my doorstep but I know I wouldn't

What I would do is this though - keep a few bags of value (20p) spaghetti in. When she comes begging, nod and be silent until she ramps up (which she will) with "And I can't feed the kiiiiiiiiiiiids!!!"

Light bulb moment, hand her a bag of pasta, say "tHERE'S ENOUGH IN THERE TO FEED ALL THE KIDS" and the say "Oh my phone's ringing" (even if it isn't) and force an end to the conversation.

Then you KNOW those kids aren't starving, in fact most kids love plain pasta and for one meaL IT'S FINe. And because you know they're fine, and you haven't had to say no, you won't feel awful doing that every time. And she will eventually give up because pasta is boring and what she really wants is a fiver to get 10 fags

Going against pp, but I wouldn’t ask them for money, because they may say yes and that will set up the lending/borrowing relationship. And if you ask them then you can hardly tell them to stop asking you.

There's an art to saying nothing more than "no" but not seeming harsher than you have to be.

"Oh dear, not enough for heating or to feed the kids? That sounds awful. I'm sorry though, my answer will have to be no on borrowing money"

If neighbour asks why not, don't you have money yourself, etc., ignore the question and reply "I'm really sorry my answer is still a no. I hope you get it sorted though".

There's really not much someone can do if you don't answer questions and say "my answer is no". You can still look concerned and sympathetic.

'No, I don't lend money, please don't ask me again'

is she in an abusive relationship or does she have mental health issues?

"No, I have no spare money. Please don't ask again, I can't help you"

Have you requested that
she doesn't ask you again?

Also can you help her by giving her first refusal on unwanted clothes, food
Etc?